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Wow. Nice one Presidente.
I can't stop laughing.
Not that what you said is not true and good on paper but boy, you definitely know the way to a woman's heart !!!
remember your marriage is not the same as Mystic's and your wife is not Mystic's wife and Mystic is Definitely NOT you.
I can't stop laughing.
Not that what you said is not true and good on paper but boy, you definitely know the way to a woman's heart !!!
remember your marriage is not the same as Mystic's and your wife is not Mystic's wife and Mystic is Definitely NOT you.
And you keep taking pot-shots at me and my posts. I'm hear trying to help a brother out, and you are undermining my posts with short quips and probably ill-thought-out posts. I just don't see how you have the experience to help this brother out with the approach you are currently taking.
The hypothetical speech you responded to above isn't designed to make a woman's heart go pitter pat. In Hollywood movies, at the end the man gives a romantic speech and the woman decides she loves him after all. (E.g., When Harry Met Sally, 10 things I hate about you, and the list goes on and on.) I'm not aiming for that here. The purpose is for him to tell her that she is sinning and hopefully she will repent, if not on the spot, then at some other point in the future.
Jesus taught to rebuke the brother who sins against you. Galatians, James, I John, and various other passages give instruction on correcting believers who sin. This is an aspect of the Christian life that we should all be familiar with. It definitely has a place in a Christian marriage.
I've already asked whether he's been passive in the marriage. If she has to lead, that can erode respect and confidence over time, too. Since he's going through a divorce, if he's all over the place emotionally, that's not good evidence that he has been this way for years. It's a stressful time for him right now.
M
Wow, allot to think about here, thanks all,
I will say this much, it is abundantly clear to me that i am a flawed person, not even marriage material to begin with. I do not see any point to deceiving myself about who i am, change begins with honesty. All these things i know already, that is the easy part, the hard part is DOING! (i need encouragement, and prayer)
I guess i talk more about my wife and what she is doing more, because that is the side of things i understand the least?
I will say this much, it is abundantly clear to me that i am a flawed person, not even marriage material to begin with. I do not see any point to deceiving myself about who i am, change begins with honesty. All these things i know already, that is the easy part, the hard part is DOING! (i need encouragement, and prayer)
I guess i talk more about my wife and what she is doing more, because that is the side of things i understand the least?
S
I think it's great you are helping mystic. I can tell you from experience that when a relationship is broken to the point of separation or divore, any pushing or pulling will only hasten it's demise.....including rebuking or begging. The only way to save it is to let go....no more push or pull in any way shape or form. Leading by letting go.
M
I am naturally a passive person, she did lead in the marriage, although i am the wiser one, so she was always turning to me for advice, in that respect i was the leader. Now that i think of it, she did slowly stop asking my advice more and more over time. In the last year or so, not at all (that i can remember). intellectually, it is Kindof like she was the pupil who grew up and doesn't need the teacher anymore. Or possibly i don't know what i am talking about at all??
You've been through one divorce, right? I could see how that could be the case, if she's out the door. Another way to look at it is if she's gone already, what have you got to lose? If he hasn't tried correcting her and telling her what she's doing is sinful, what does he has to lose? If he isn't angry about it, it probably won't hurt anything with the kids, at least if he is careful what he says.
Jesus said, "If your brother sins against you, rebuke him." So Christians need to obey that. That's a church discipline passage. I read a blog post from this woman who was all pro-marriage, until she decided she didn't love her husband. Her church actually excommunicated her. She complaining about it on the blog, but it sounded like they might have done the right thing.
Jesus said, "If your brother sins against you, rebuke him." So Christians need to obey that. That's a church discipline passage. I read a blog post from this woman who was all pro-marriage, until she decided she didn't love her husband. Her church actually excommunicated her. She complaining about it on the blog, but it sounded like they might have done the right thing.
M
Officially my wife moved out two weeks ago, and in Australia the law says you have to be separated 12 months before a divorce can be granted. I guess the government did that to help reduce the cost of divorce on the community.
But that is not of much help to me right now because i cannot afford to keep our house on my own and i have to make a decision soon, my parents want to sell their house and buy my wife out of her share and move in with me. If my wife is going to allow my parents do sell their house, for me, that is the point of no return, i will not be very open to or seeking any reconciliation with my wife after that.
Another option, i could take on boarders to help pay the mortgage, and my parents would not have to sell their house, and there would be room for a reconciliation at any time within the next 12 months. The only problem is, my wife is in a hurry to get her share of the house, i cannot get that kind of finance, and if i take a stand to delay paying her share, then all hell will break loose and then there will be even less of a chance of reconciliation.
When it comes to the house situation.... how does that saying go "damned if i do, damned if i don't"
But that is not of much help to me right now because i cannot afford to keep our house on my own and i have to make a decision soon, my parents want to sell their house and buy my wife out of her share and move in with me. If my wife is going to allow my parents do sell their house, for me, that is the point of no return, i will not be very open to or seeking any reconciliation with my wife after that.
Another option, i could take on boarders to help pay the mortgage, and my parents would not have to sell their house, and there would be room for a reconciliation at any time within the next 12 months. The only problem is, my wife is in a hurry to get her share of the house, i cannot get that kind of finance, and if i take a stand to delay paying her share, then all hell will break loose and then there will be even less of a chance of reconciliation.
When it comes to the house situation.... how does that saying go "damned if i do, damned if i don't"
Mystikmind,
I see our dilemma. If you brought it up with your wife, you could say you won't sign the papers. Later you can reconcile and she can live with your mom and dad. So tell her she'd better reconcile now.
I wouldn't let a housing situation stop a reconciliation, but I can see how the situation is difficult.
I see our dilemma. If you brought it up with your wife, you could say you won't sign the papers. Later you can reconcile and she can live with your mom and dad. So tell her she'd better reconcile now.
I wouldn't let a housing situation stop a reconciliation, but I can see how the situation is difficult.
M
There is one other option, it is my wife's preferred option, sell the house and both take our half whatever is left over after paying the mortgage. That would be around AUD $150000.00, which is allot of money for most things, but it is a piss in the ocean for buying another house in Sydney! So once it is sold, i will probably never own another home in Sydney, elsewhere perhaps, but not Sydney.
S
I am sure your parents will help you buy a house once yours is sold and everyone has their share and part their ways.
Since you are sitting around waiting for your parents to sell their house and making it look like your wife is making them do that, why don't you go ahead and free the woman and let your parents HELP YOU instead?
STOP using her as a dumping ground for your emotional baggage. Seriously. You are making difficult for that woman to come around.
K
The truth is none of us are doing anything but speculating.We dont know either of you,just what you say.But when you talk about affection it reminds me of the book I mentioned His Needs/Her Needs. It seems you may have thought you were meeting each others needs but in reality you were giving her what you needed and she was doing the same.Therefore no needs were getting met.I hope that makes sense.
She may a a medical reason she does not enjoy sex,it may be an emotional reason.Thing problem is when things deteriorate on all levels its hard to find where it went off the road.There may be hope if she is willing to go to counseling.But women mature faster then men.They move on to needing other things in a relationship,especially if shes a mom. You may have been in the honeymoon period while she had moved on.And if you dont communicate you dont see the gap beginning.It seems that you did sense it though. Men and women approach sex differently. Women need time,they need to be wooed,a man just needs a willing woman.lol All joking aside you get my point. It seems you were in different phases of the relationship.You were passing each other like two ships in the night. I hope she gives a second thought to her choices.Every one you marry has a different set of needs and problems.If she thinks leaving you will solve all her problems,shes wrong.If she doesn't finish her emotional issues with you she'll carry it to the next relationship,as will you.You both have your issues to deal with.Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.We really do hope things get better for you.
K
She has the councilor to correct her and him.I dont think this is a blame situation.He didnt say whether they were Christians at the first of their relationship but they had sex before marriage so that causes problems a lot of times.He did say she had an aversion to sex before they married. He didnt think it would be a big deal,and they seemed to be happy.But it became a big issue! But the problem is he cant expect her to change to a passionate lover when that wasn't in her personality to begin with. They weren't compatible in that area and in a marriage sex is always a big deal.They're both in the wrong.And him trying to correct her when he admits he is to blame also she will only see as him using her behavior as a scapegoat.No woman wants to be talked to like a child and disciplined. It will not go well if he tries it.Especially if he's been passive all along.Putting his foot down now will make her scorn him more. She lost respect for him a long time ago. Unfortunately he is only waking up now to all the problems and issues.Women talk all the time,its how we relate.Men often just tune us out.But some men actually listen to the subtle hints that they are going in the wrong direction.I hope things work out for them but they both have a lot of work to do.Blame game isn't going to help anything.It takes two to run it in the ditch and two to dig it out.
You say he's in the wrong. About what? Premarital sex?
In real life, in a real relationship, when someone does something wrong, if you don't address it, how long is that relationship going to last? Does anyone have a relationship like that where you don't point out where the other partner does something really big that's wrong and the other person says nothing? I'd think such couples are rare. That wouldn't be a healthy marriage. If she's divorcing him over their growing apart and a bunch of issues related to her feelings, clearly she is in the wrong, and she's hurting the little girl in the process.
Jesus said, "If your brother sins rebuke him." This is a Christian site, not a secular advice site. Believers in Jesus should obey teachings like this, not just sweep these issues under the rug.
I don't see this as 'putting his foot down.' She's out the door already. This would be him confronting her with the fact that what she is doing is wrong. Part of her probably knows this is wrong already and she may feel guilty about it. Someone pointing it out to her may do her some good. She may only have people giving her bad advice.
Few people like being told they are wrong. Few people are wise enough to appreciate it, at least at the time. But it can do people good when someone else points out that what they are doing is wrong. The Proverbs say that open rebuke is better than secret love. A wise man loves rebuke.
And what kind of love says, "I love you so much that I won't warn you that you are about to drive our family over the cliff"?
In real life, in a real relationship, when someone does something wrong, if you don't address it, how long is that relationship going to last? Does anyone have a relationship like that where you don't point out where the other partner does something really big that's wrong and the other person says nothing? I'd think such couples are rare. That wouldn't be a healthy marriage. If she's divorcing him over their growing apart and a bunch of issues related to her feelings, clearly she is in the wrong, and she's hurting the little girl in the process.
Jesus said, "If your brother sins rebuke him." This is a Christian site, not a secular advice site. Believers in Jesus should obey teachings like this, not just sweep these issues under the rug.
I don't see this as 'putting his foot down.' She's out the door already. This would be him confronting her with the fact that what she is doing is wrong. Part of her probably knows this is wrong already and she may feel guilty about it. Someone pointing it out to her may do her some good. She may only have people giving her bad advice.
Few people like being told they are wrong. Few people are wise enough to appreciate it, at least at the time. But it can do people good when someone else points out that what they are doing is wrong. The Proverbs say that open rebuke is better than secret love. A wise man loves rebuke.
And what kind of love says, "I love you so much that I won't warn you that you are about to drive our family over the cliff"?
K
I didnt say he was wrong,I said they were wrong.And yes,premarital sex is wrong so I dont know you'd even mention that.But that wasn't my point.My point was they had intimacy issues even before they married.He said she wasn't eager for sex before they married.He admitted to his own faults in the marriage.I have said they both "drove it in the ditch".And they are both responsible for getting it back on the road again.So I did not blame him.
Since they both took part in the break up of the marriage it will do him no good to tell her she is wrong.Most women do not walk away from marriage without counting the cost.She said she had never cried so much.This means this is painful for her as it is for him.When he said would flowers have helped she cried.She still has feelings but she is trying to bury them because she has been hurt.They are both hurting.And I dont think she's not taking her daughter into account.We haven't got her here to talk to but mystikmind never accused her of being a bad mother or an uncaring mother.Women are thinkers,deep thinkers.This has been boiling in her mind for a long time I'd bet.Not all men are good at reading women.I may be all wrong on this.But one thing I am not wrong on is him telling her what she is doing is wrong.I believe she has counted the cost and for some reason still feels divorce is the only way.I hope she changes her mind but rebuking her wont do it.She'll see him as an uncaring jerk.He has no right to tell her she's wrong when he's complicit in the marriage failing. If he doesnt care and just wants her out of his life then sure go ahead and say what you want.It wont make him feel any better.JMO
M
many marriages go through hard period of times. Mine also. But with the guidance of lord, we overcome hardship in our relationship. I think there is something wrong, and both of them do not know how to solve them, or they do not know what is wrong. True Christians should trust in God first, and trust that man and woman are built to be one, than they will have courage to overcome difficulties , no matter how hard it is. I have gone through severe sexual pain, after birth and abortion, and was pretty depressed for a long time. A breaking relationship must have some issues , that is really hurting, physically, or mentally, or both! This hidden issue, must be found! And it can be solved. Nothing is hard in the lord.