My Stepson Bullies my 2 Boys

[only4Hymn]

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been married to my husband for 11.5 years and it has not been perfect but we love each other and have produced 3 children together. When I first met my husband in a music chat room, we hit it off as friends. After a year of only talking, we decided to meet and see if there was something else. We decided to move to the next level and start dating. We dated for a year and planned to get married, which happened within a year's time as well. When we first began talking as friends, he mentioned that he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and after breaking up with his girlfriend, they both found out she was about 5 months pregnant. He was trying to live a Christian life but had his issues and I was just coming into a relationship with Christ for myself. It didn't bother me that he was soon to be a father because we were just friends...but as I mentioned, things transformed into a relationship and this meant that I would be in his son's life.
I have been in his son's life since he was about 1 year old. I remember him crawling around and learning to walk. I remember changing his pampers and fixing his milk bottles. I have always been there so I don't understand why there is such a struggle now.
When my husband and I married, we moved to another state and asked to take his son with us but his mother refused and would often try to woo my husband back to her and paint a picture of them living together as a happy family. She would bash me to her son then he would relay those aggressions when he came to visit. He would fly out to stay with us for weeks at a time and even at a young age, I remember him hitting and biting the kids. Now, he is 13 years old. I thought we were heading the right direction. It took me a while to get over how he would treat the kids but I was able to a couple of years ago when we moved back to the state he lives in and he started spending more time with us. But boy was I wrong. His dad bought him a phone for Christmas the previous year and one night when i was up late I checked his page online and saw where he posted a video of him beating up my oldest son. I remember that actual day because when he came out of his room his hair was all over the place and there was no clear reason as to why. The video was horrible. It showed him slamming my boy on the floor and blocking the door for him to get away. It made me so sad to know this was going on right under my nose and I didn't know it. But I forgave him and allowed him to come over again for weekends.
I homeschool my kids. I have 2 boys who are 10 and 8, and a girl who is 6 years old. I try to have open communication with them because i feel like i didnt have that as a child and I couldn't ask my parents questions about life or tell them how I felt about different things. So we will sit at the table during breakfast I ask if there is anything they want to talk about. A few months ago when I asked them this, my oldest son told me that my stepson was trying to kiss him in the room and when he tried to leave, he blocked the door. Then my second boy told me he tried the same thing with him. Also I had made friends with a family and introduced their kids to mine and we went on a playdate one day and I let my stepson come along. My kids said that when i wasn't looking he was trying to make them fall infront of their new friends and calling them ugly and telling the kids not to be their friends. I had NO idea. How is this happening? My6 daughter says he being nice to her but who knows what sexual advances he may made towards her but she is so young that she wouldn't know it was wrong and she thinks he is the COOLest ever.

I went to my church counselor and she suggested that my stepson get counseling for his behavior issues. She also suggested that I be honest with my husband to tell him how uneasy I feel about this situation and that I don't want him to come over until things are resolved. He tried to bring him over one day unannounced and I my second son was terrified at the thought of him coming in. When we saw him waiting outside through the window we all panicked. My oldest son seems to be able to move past it and that is good, but the fact remains that he does things that are totally unacceptable and I feel like I will be on pins and needles the whole time when he come here. I dont feel comfortable having him over because he is SOOOOOOooooo sneaky. My middle son is the most uncomfortable about the situation and I think it is unfair to put his feelings aside so that my stepson can come over and have his way. He complains that he wants to come over for the weekend but i dont feel he deserves that privilege when I know what his intentions are for when he gets here. He comes and then when he doesn't get his way, loses a video game against his brothers or anything like, he say "I can't wait to go home!" or threatens with "I'm leaving!" and they love having an older brother and don't want him to go home and so they concede to his demands. Sorry for the long message but I really need some advice because my husband feels like i should just Get Over It and it is not that easy for me. I will still love my stepson but I feel like I have to protect my little ones as best as I can. My husband feels like he has to cater to my stepson because his home life is not the best but that doesnt give him the right to come over here and make my kids miserable. I have even thought about leaving my husband just to keep his son away from them. I don't know what else to do.

 

[Willie-T]

You might consider working on what seems to be a pretty dismal marriage first. You can't ignore that, and expect to work by yourself, behind the scenes, without the cooperation of a husband who knows how to stand up.

 

[Ugly]

Um. I disagree. Your step-son is either a) acting out to what his mother is encouraging him to do or b) is a psychopath (meaning no conscience) and that his behavior still continues on to other kids when he's with his mother.
If your husband thinks this is no big deal, sorry, he's an idiot. You don't just 'get over' things like this, as this is actually a major red flag about where this kid is headed in the future. And as he gets older and bigger his behavior may turn to larger people, such as you or other adults.
So i would not say ignore this and work on your marriage. No. This kid has some serious issues and needs to be evaluated by a professional to determine if this is hostility being fed by the mother or a more serious condition. This abuse of your children needs to stop immediately and be the priority.
Once your step-son is able to stop being a threat to both your kids mental and physical health, then you can focus on the marriage. But letting this continue to scar your kids minds is a bigger priority. Seems like your husband need some counseling to understand that you don't let kids behave badly because you feel bad they've had a rough home life. Kids in situations like that benefit more from discipline than kids in healthier homes because the increased discipline helps create more stability growing up in an unstable environment.
So really this all needs to be dealt with. And you need to find some ground rules and set some boundaries with your husband concerning his son. Such as if the son comes over then you will leave and take the kids and stay elsewhere until the boy leaves and continue this until things can be resolved through professional counseling. But first and foremost the stepson needs to be evaluated for what hi mental condition is. If he's just being encouraged by his mother, this can potentially be resolved, if he's a psychopath, they may attempt medications, but there is no 'cure' for having no conscience.

Take note psychopath is the modern term for what used to be called sociopath, and not necessarily only used in conjunction with what you see on tv of serial killers, though serial killers are typically psychopaths, it's possible to be a psychopath and never kill.

 

[AnnieH]

Hi. I'm sorry this is happening. You sound clear-eyed about this and the church counselor is making sense. I don't think you should "get over it" because you're protecting your children from your step-son. The trouble is, a lot of the solution rests on your husband and he doesn't see the problem.

 

[Fenner]

I wouldn't let him around my children until he can control himself. I agree with Ugly this boy might be psychopath. I hope your husband showed him the video. You shouldn't leave your children alone with him under any circumstances.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I'm gonna be totally honest with you, so I'm sorry if I sound blunt. Your step-son is a danger to both of your kids AND you. He is showing ever sign of being violent, which through video, you have witnessed. He is bullying your sons, trying to kiss them, which is basically molestation, btw. He is showing every sign of being an abuser and molester/rapist when he gets older and it's only going to escalate from here, so don't delude yourself. If he's attempting to kiss your sons, then he's definitely doing something to your daughter as well!! Get this kid out of your house ASAP. Get him counseling, give him back to his mother and let her deal with him. If CPS ever somehow found out what he's doing to your kids, they'd take them away from you in a heartbeat. Does your husband know his son is doing this to your kids? If not, you need to tell him, and show him the video. I agree with Ugly. This kid is disturbed and shows signs of being a psychopath. Your kids are in danger from their stepbrother--do what you must to protect them!! Whether it's counseling, giving him back to his mom, or even juvenile hall. But whatever you do, GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

 

[Willie-T]

I'm going to take it right back to your marriage. There is something seriously wrong if you have not had at least three or four hours of plain, hard discussion with that man you're living with.

THIS IS A HUSBAND'S RESPONSIBILITY...... and you should not be having to resort to coming to strangers on a forum before he stands up and protects his family... both families.

 

[only4Hymn]

Thanks y'all. Ugly it took a while but I did finally have a discussion. My marriage has been great for years and the only major problems or disagreements we have had revolved around his son. I try to keep the peace as much as possible but I find him to be offended at the thought of me wanting to keep the son at bay. His son has him convinced that he was not doing "that kind of kiss" but my boys were uncomfortable with it so that's enough for me I don't know how to get him to understand how serious it is to me. His son needs him and I would never discourage their relationship but his son is clearly jealous that his dad lives with us and he tries to disrupt it as much as possible with every visit. I am really hurt by it all and the effect it has on my marriage is horrible being that we had such a great start. A few months ago he went to his school counselor and accused his moms husband of abuse and then called the police on her while she tried to reprimand him. So I feel like I could never discipline him for fear of him trying that method with me. My hands are truly tied. Lord help. And I'm on here because I feel it is a safe place to vent or to get other opinions because sometimes I second guess myself and think maybe I am too hard but I don't expect someone to solve my problem. I just trust that most people on here love The Lord and can speak an encouraging word to me like He tells us to. He said refresh others and you will be refreshed also so I'm sorry but I really need refreshing. Thanks brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[Sirk]

Step children are the enemies of 2nd marriages. I think calling him a psychopath is a bit strong. I would bet he has some stuff going on at mommy dearest's house that are contributing to his acting out. He no doubt needs to be medicated and in counseling. I wonder if there is some guilt on dad's part and that is why he isn't stepping up???
If this was my son there would be very clear boundaries set and no unsupervised play time until he can prove himself trustworthy and able to make good decisions. Discipline is going to be key with this kid....if he feels punished and is pushed into his brain stem all the time, his anger is only gonna grow.

 

[damombomb]

I agree with blueladybug, it seems something is not right at his Mother's house. I would call and talk to her about it. Are there
other children at his Mother's house?

 

[only4Hymn]

Sirk there is definitely some guilt in there. I have heard him sympathize with his situation plenty of times. He calls at odd ours and says he hasn't eaten all day and my husband orders enough food to feed the whole house for him. When we call and ask his mom if they truly have no food she says that's not true and they eat daily. He only calls for money. I even had a heart to heart and asked him if he could call more often and just ask dad how he is doing and just have a conversation rather than calling for money constantly. He said yes but it has only gotten worse. I even felt bad at one time and thought maybe the home life was the problem and the first time I saw him beating up his brother I had a talk with him and thought we were on the right page but when I asked if he is also mean to his two sisters at home he admitted that he indeed bullies them as well. So I told him to be nice to them as well as the ones at my house. When his mom decided to homeschool like we do that was when he seemed to have the best behavior. It lasted a year and then he went back to public school. He did get bullied a lot there for his teeth and then we paid for braces to get them fixed and he started taking karate and has been practicing his moves here on my boys ever since. It's just a lot of factors in this situation.

 

[mystikmind]

I have often thought to myself that parents are the stupidest living thing on the planet. Nothing gets through to them, it is quite remarkable, ask any teacher! You will have an almost impossible task convincing your husband of anything, he is the boys father and therefore suffers from parent stupidness.

My Wife (ex) is from the Philippines and when we used to talk about discipline she would say, "well if our daughter ever got out of control when growing up, i would take her back to the Philippines and i guarantee i would straighten her out quick smart, just like my parents did for me".

I agree, sometimes there is a need for a heavy hand, and frankly, if i ever did any of those things with my parents, i would have been smacked across the room and i would have deserved it. But i would guess it has gotten to a much more advanced state with that boy for hard discipline alone to work effectively without causing more mental damage along the way.

 

[Angela53510]

You say you have no choice, and you are right. A mother's job is to protect her children. This step-son cannot be trusted.

The choice is to leave the house with your children, when he comes over. Every single time. Sorry if this wrecks your marriage, but better that than three damaged children.

Do not allow this to happen anymore. From the sexualization to the abuse, this is only going to get worse and you need to take a stand.

How will you feel if one of your own children commits suicide because of this bullying? Or ends up running away from home forever to escape this bully?

I hate bullying with a passion, especially when the parents excuse it. Go to an abuse center, get help to escape this situation before they are raped and/or brutalized even more.

 

[Sirk]

Sirk there is definitely some guilt in there. I have heard him sympathize with his situation plenty of times. He calls at odd ours and says he hasn't eaten all day and my husband orders enough food to feed the whole house for him. When we call and ask his mom if they truly have no food she says that's not true and they eat daily. He only calls for money. I even had a heart to heart and asked him if he could call more often and just ask dad how he is doing and just have a conversation rather than calling for money constantly. He said yes but it has only gotten worse. I even felt bad at one time and thought maybe the home life was the problem and the first time I saw him beating up his brother I had a talk with him and thought we were on the right page but when I asked if he is also mean to his two sisters at home he admitted that he indeed bullies them as well. So I told him to be nice to them as well as the ones at my house. When his mom decided to homeschool like we do that was when he seemed to have the best behavior. It lasted a year and then he went back to public school. He did get bullied a lot there for his teeth and then we paid for braces to get them fixed and he started taking karate and has been practicing his moves here on my boys ever since. It's just a lot of factors in this situation.

I almost guarantee that there is some sort of pain that is underlying his bad decisions. He is feeling something painful and his acting out is a way of medicating it.

 

[only4Hymn]

Thanks for all the input. Sirk you are right! There is some hurt there causing him to act out and this is why I feel for him. However I still have little ones to protect. So I guess the problem is how do I help him but protect my little ones at the same time? How can I shield them without ostracizing him? How can I show him Grace and love without putting my kids in Jeopardy because I think that's why it's hard for my husband. The other day he said "time out for this. Things have to go back to bring normal." And I felt horrible because I wish things were "normal" but they're not and it's hard for me to pretend. I am a VERY translucent person. My husband said his son "misses his brothers and sister and wants to see them." WHY??? I don't understand why he wants to see them nor why my husband buys it! It's been so stressful. I am just hoping somehow The Lord works it out. When is it enough time passed that we can finally feel at peace to have him over? I have no idea how to gage this.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Is it possible that maybe your stepson is being abused/beaten/molested at home? Does his mother have a boyfriend or husband? Kids act out like this when they're going through something traumatic. Does HE get bullied at school? Bullies enjoy having control over their victims. Your kids are younger, therefore easier for him to manipulate. I think you, your stepson and your husband need to speak to his principal and/or school counselor, in addition to regular counseling for all 3 of you. You need to get to the root of his problem. He may truly miss his brothers and sister, then again maybe the only reason he's so eager to see them is so he can bully and molest them again.. I agree with what Angela said about your kids being traumatized by what your stepson has done to them..Don't wait a day longer, you need to get this tended to NOW..before your kids either harm themselves or follow your stepson's bad example and become bullies and molestors themselves when they are older.

 

[only4Hymn]

Angela those are some good points. Like I mentioned before he has called the police when his mom tried to punish him and has accused her ex husband of touching his private and we checked into it because it was serious to us just as much as it would be with any of our kids. My husband called his step dad and mom and they said he had a rash they took him to the doctor for and was prescribed a cream. His mom didn't want to do it so she asked her husband at the time to apply it for him. But when he told the school and my husband he totally left off the details about WHY he was actually touching his privacy, which was to apply the cream. So he has cried wolf on so many occasions that it's hard to know when or if it's real. He lies to his mom when we was about 8 and told her when he came over for the weekend that I didn't feed him and made him sit out in the hot Tx sun all day! I never could trust him after that and he is 13 now. If he would have been at our home when my boys told me all he has done, I really don't know what I might have done. It enraged me! Yes he was bullied like I also mentioned before. He got called Spongebob and he would fight very often. He got braces and was homeschooled and he was way better behaved at that time now he is back in public school but he doesn't mention being bullied at the present.

 

[Human]

I don't know what to do anymore.

Let me say that I understand you concerns, however I want to point a few things out, as a stepson, that you seem to be overlooking.

First of all, you seem to be treating the stepson as an outsider automatically. He is not an outsider to his father, nor should he be made to feel like one in his father's family setting. Broken relationships with children are tough because children from each parent end up living between different families and the whole thing makes for competitiveness in the kids. You are stoking this competitiveness in your stepson by making a distinction between ''him'' and ''them''. Even if you don't do it deliberately, it shows from your post that you consider him of secondary importance to your own children, and in the prescence of his father and his father's ''full-time family'', he will feel of secondary importance.

That is bound to hurt him, profoundly. As a stepson in a family, I know exactly how that feels.

Secondly, threatening him with exclusion for his bad behaviours will only make the problem worse -- he behaves badly because he already feels excluded, and lonely. He lashes out for control, because in many ways he lacks control in his own life -- both you and his father are essentially his superiors, and what you say goes, so when you act even slightly like he is of secondary importance, he has no choice to accept it in your company, then exact his hurt, frustration and anger when you are not around to see it.

His behaviour, given his circumstances, is absolutely normal.

The sexual exploration seems to be somewhat delayed. Most children do this at younger ages. He is 13, a teenager, and so I imagine there is some level of sexual repression, perhaps even abuse, in his life that he is not talking about. He is still sexually exploring and seems less mature than most thirteen year olds.

Forcing him to ''grow up'' won't help. What he needs is to feel accepted and wanted enough that his frustrations subside. When his frustrations and anger subside, so will his lashing out and his need for control. He will not feel any disparity between his level of personal authority and his desires for affection and acceptance, if his desires for affection and acceptance are met by those in authority over him -- that's you and his father.

Counselling is a good idea, but not just for him. This young man is clearly emotionally stunted and troubled, and if you want to have a good relationship with him, then he needs counselling to figure out his issues, and you and his father need to have counselling to learn how to help the young man on his journey effectively.

It sounds like he has been abused in some way, if not sexually then emotionally. I want to see you putting yourself more in his shoes as a stunted, emotionally damaged child, rather than pointing fingers at him. Empathy is important, more than anything else in this scenario.

 

[Human]

Here are some questions to guide you away from this horrible notion that he is a psychopath:

1. Does he lash out in anger? In uncontrollable rages, or otherwise become emotionally out of control?

If so, he is not likely to be a psychopath. Psychopaths do not fly into rages, psychopaths are calculative, calm, and generally without intense emotional affect.

2. Does he self depracate and say things like ''I'm worthless'', ''Nobody loves me'', and cry? If so, he is not likely to be a psychopath. Psychopaths generally have unusually high senses of self esteem.

3. Does he show remorse or guilt when confronted about his behaviours? If for instance, you ask him about kissing the boys or any of the other secretive behaviours he exhibits, does he tend to buckle over in guilt? If so, he is unlikely to be a psychopath, for they rarely show remorse.

4. Is he callous, and if so, does he lack any sense of empathy for his callousness? For instance, if you say to him, ''can you imagine how it feels to be punched and kicked'' (as it seems he suffers in his school life at the hands of bullies) will he understand?

This is maybe the most important indicator. If he does understand feelings, and grasps the concept of ''do unto others'', then he is most likely not a psychopath. Psychopaths generally lack empathy.

You should be very careful not to insinuate such a detrimental and fundamentally life-changing notion that this young boy is a psychopath, because it could have irreperable consequenes for both your own treatment of him, and his future life. Children are notoriously hard to diagnose because many of the social skills, particularly in abused children, have not actually ben properly learned yet. In abused children, the opportunities for learning ''good'' social skills are also generally much less frequent and consistent than children who aren't abused in any way.

What he exhibits could be classed as psychopathy by a very narrow minded forum member on a random internet Christian chat room, but a mental health professional is much more likely to assess all factors and come to an objective, educated conclusion.

If he isn't killing animals, starting fires, being uncannily, eerily calm in emotionally tense situations and has the ability for empathy, he's almost definitely just a child of a broken marriage, lashing out as they often do.

That doesn't mean it isn't problematic, but diagnosis of psychopathy is exceptionally rare. It's much more likely he just needs some counselling and support going forward.

 

[only4Hymn]

I'm sorry Human but after trying to read your first post, I couldn't continue because your accusations of me treating him like an outsider are way out of like. He was actually my First Child and I even asked him to call me mom. He was never made to feel like an outsider and only after his mom got into his head did this division take place. However I have done nothing but take care of and treat him as my own since he was a baby. I can definitely put myself in his shoes. I was molested by a female cousin and my father was inappropriate with me one time when he had a few too many to drink. It scarred me and made me become very shy and quiet. Also my dad left my mom when I was about 10 years old never to return until I was grown and moved out. So I always felt like I needed acceptance from a man all my life. So I totally sympathize with that .... BUT that does NOT excuse the fact that he is a danger to my other kids. Guess what? I have other family members that even if I desperately needed a babysitter, I wouldn't even let them "watch" my kids on TV. It hurts their feelings and they thing I am overprotective but so what. I have to answer to God for how well I was a steward of his children. Not to mention that my stepson is accountable for his actions now and it is up to him to make the right decisions. You can't blame parents for everything. My parents weren't perfect but I realize that just because they failed in some areas doesn't give me the right to not do better. So in this situation I know that he needs counseling and so does my husband because he is really the leader and I will support him. Tonight in Bible Study our teacher was talking about forgiveness and I decided to forgive him right then and there and I felt at peace about that and on the same token I feel like I am doing what's right in protecting the others. I remember having a talk with my stepson and telling him if a bigger kid came over and was beating him up that I would do everything to protect him and he said he knows that. I told him I love him and wouldn't want him to be mistreated and neither do I want him to do that to his younger siblings. So I don't see where you're getting this view from. But I have to say it is way out of line.