Divorce help

[Baptistrw]

Originally Posted by Baptistrw

The only escape clause from marriage is on the grounds of adultry, nothing less. If you have problems with different types of abuse, you and your spouse should seek marital counseling from a Pastor or another Christian counsellor. As for praying about it, God's already spoken on the matter in His word, and He won't lead someone to act contrary to what He's already said on the matter.

Baptistrw, UNTIL you have been in any kind of marriage relationship, that there has been abusive involved, i think its best you keep your opinions to yourself. You DO NOT tell someone to count it all joy when there going through ABUSE, use your common sense baptistrw... If your spouse is an unbeliever what makes you think he is going to willingly go to a pastor for marriage counseling! I do agree that the bible says that the only grounds for divorce is adultrey, HOWEVER, god did give us a brain, and if someone is physically harming you, GET AWAY, FLEE, god doesnt want us to get beat up on a regular basis and be a punching bag for someone. The only thing that you can do is pray, and if the situation your in is dangerous get outta there! find somewhere else to stay. If he continues to beat you down emotionally....and you have prayed and prayed about it, and continuelsy talked to your spouse about stoping that behavior and he doesnt stop, i would find somewhere else to live until the behavior stops.. I have been in a marriage like this and abuse only esculates, i would seperate yourself from him for now and really pray about it, and seek god. he will tell you what to do

I never said to count it all as joy. If you actually read what she wrote, she said she was emotionally and verbally abused, not physically. Trial separation could be good, but divorce is not the right answer, which is what her question was initially on this thread. So leave it at that.

 

[Baptistrw]

Originally Posted by Baptistrw

The only escape clause from marriage is on the grounds of adultry, nothing less. If you have problems with different types of abuse, you and your spouse should seek marital counseling from a Pastor or another Christian counsellor. As for praying about it, God's already spoken on the matter in His word, and He won't lead someone to act contrary to what He's already said on the matter.

Baptistrw, UNTIL you have been in any kind of marriage relationship, that there has been abusive involved, i think its best you keep your opinions to yourself. You DO NOT tell someone to count it all joy when there going through ABUSE, use your common sense baptistrw... If your spouse is an unbeliever what makes you think he is going to willingly go to a pastor for marriage counseling! I do agree that the bible says that the only grounds for divorce is adultrey, HOWEVER, god did give us a brain, and if someone is physically harming you, GET AWAY, FLEE, god doesnt want us to get beat up on a regular basis and be a punching bag for someone. The only thing that you can do is pray, and if the situation your in is dangerous get outta there! find somewhere else to stay. If he continues to beat you down emotionally....and you have prayed and prayed about it, and continuelsy talked to your spouse about stoping that behavior and he doesnt stop, i would find somewhere else to live until the behavior stops.. I have been in a marriage like this and abuse only esculates, i would seperate yourself from him for now and really pray about it, and seek god. he will tell you what to do

After I submitted my response I wanted to clarify and add to what I wrote intially..

I never said to count it all as joy, God's word did, in one of the best passages in the entire Word on trials, which is what abuse is. God can take a dark storm cloud and produce a beautiful rainbow. If you actually read what she wrote, she said she was emotionally and verbally abused, not physically. Trial separation could be good, but divorce is not the right answer, which is what her question was initially on this thread. So leave it at that.

 

[Anj]

WOW, i can't belive someone would advise another to stay in an abusive situation. Emotional and verbal abuse can leave JUST as deep scars as physical, or even worse ones. NO human should be in that situation.
Seperation is a safe option if the situation becomes to violent.....i say violent becuase voilent is more than physical.

 

[Topher]

Leaving doesn't necessarily mean divorce. Sometimes it is necessary to make a drastic change to create oppertunity. If you are feeling that you are abused, then leave. Pray for your husband, have everyone you know pray for him and try your best to work on the relationship, from a safe distance.
God bless you.

ROCK ON! Too many people think that in an abusive relationship you have two options: stay and be abused or get divorced. Wrong! What you said is spot on. Stay married, but put distance between you.

Keep it up the awesomeness Revived.

- Christopher

 

[shovelmaster]

Leaving doesn't necessarily mean divorce. Sometimes it is necessary to make a drastic change to create oppertunity. If you are feeling that you are abused, then leave. Pray for your husband, have everyone you know pray for him and try your best to work on the relationship, from a safe distance.
God bless you.

Yes, i totally agree with that. Divorce...plain and simple, God hates it. The bible only allows divorce in the case of adultry.

That being said, I dont believe a woman should stay around to be a punching bag...or constantly take verbal/emotional abuse. Sometimes a woman has to get out of the house...get away from that abuse. Noone deserves that.

But that doesnt mean to divorce outright. Seek counseling. Try reconciliation. Do whatever it takes to work things out. Even if the couple has to live separately for a while. Maybe a long while. But work at it...do WHATEVER it takes to stay together. Work at it as long as it takes....

 

[Compassion]

The question is, where you and your husband saved when you were married? If you were both not saved, then God doesn't even recognize it as a marriage union.

 

[Snowbird]

First of all, nothing like this should ever be done in haste. You really need to get on your knees often and pray hard about God healing your marriage. I don't know if your spouse is a christian or not, but, I will say this, my husband was not a christian when I met him. I met him when I went astray from the Lord (we walk away from God --he doesn't walk away from us). He began being verbally abusive with me and after a few years-- it escillated to both verbal and physical. As much as things have changed now due to extreme circumstances (we are still married - but no physical abuse), you need to understand that although divorce is never a good option, I also believe that God does never intends for us to settle for abuse, he loves us and wants us to thrive. You cannot thrive in abuse. Unless someone has actually been in your shoes, they do not realize the pain and hurt that can go along with this type of thing. You can read scripture and study God's word all day and love the Lord, but, that person has to come to the Lord before you STOP getting abused - the time frame of that, if at all, is unpredictable and if your safety is in jeopardy, I think the Lord would want you to keep your body and your mind safe. Sometimes, it means leaving in order to help heal that situation. If you take advice, take it from someone who has been in a similar situation, otherwise, the pain of this is not fully understood and you may get advice that will get you hurt.

 

[IChThUS]

Hi Baptistw

You take me to task on what I did not (intend to) say

I have very strong feelings on divorce, and can not accept it as permissable in the sight of God.

However I have to temper that when I see the devastation that comes from abuse. I see no reason whatsoever for any woman (or man for that matter) who has been abused by his spouse to continue suffering that abuse, be it physical or mental.

There are two views of marriage. Marriage in the sight of the state and Marriage in the sight of God.

I will fully support you in divorce under the law of the land.

But your commitment in the sight of God can not be ended.​

If this sounds strange and contradictory - take whatever steps that are necessary to free yourself from further abuse, end the marriage as the law sees it. But for yourself, you are still married in the sight of God and can not (so long as he lives) take another. Your commitment still stands.​

I pray that you find peace.​

That makes no sense whatsoever. Supporting someone to disobey the Scriptures is a dangerous thing to undertake. Especially when the Bible is perfectly clear on the matter. It's better to endure problems in this life than to lose out on rewards in heaven.

(I hope) I said that under no circumstance was her own commitment ended, and she remained married in the sight of God, but she had the legal separation from the view of the state. Others seem to say the same thing. I am sure she has prayed for him and continues to do so.

As one involved in Christian Counselling you can not counsel anyone who does not desire it for themselves. If one requests it and the other does not, then only half the problem can be addressed.

How many abused women have you had close contact with Baptistrw?

I have said all, and more, than I had meant to do. I shall say no more and certainly not defend what I have said to anyone other than God.

 

[Jerryy]

hello buddy well I know what the bible says but u have to see every situation if he ( hubby) abuse u I don't think u have to be with him of course u can work hard and pray for GOD's guiance and he might change and be the best hubby ever, GBU
Ben

 

[Slepsog4]

The question is, where you and your husband saved when you were married? If you were both not saved, then God doesn't even recognize it as a marriage union.

That is patently absurd. Marriage was created from the beginning. It has nothing to with whether or not a person is or is not a believer. Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman to be husband and wife. This covenant has both privileges and responsibilities.

God created marriage for humanity not Christians only.

 

[easygoing]

Twistedangel84, pesonally i think that the woman in a marriage is the anchor of the relationship and you will be able to set this guy straight if you just put it all on the table for him and let him know how serious this has become.

I am speaking from personal experience here, I was the bad guy in my relationship in the first several years. Drinking, smoking, doing drugs, wanting to do my own thing without any thought of my wife or the consequences of her leaving.
After a while it came to a point where she let me know where things were heading if i continued in my ways.
It dawned on me that here is the woman that i love and want to be with for the rest of my life and i am about to lose her on account of not being able to control myself! Now i tell you the change was not overnight and it took infinte patience for both of us but in the end i left all of those things behind because the love for my wife was greater than anything that i was going to lose her over.

I remember the words that our minister told us on our wedding day.. He took us aside after the ceremony and said to us that marriage is a sacred thing and that it is not to be taken lightly, it takes both people to make it work and we have to work at it constantly through good and bad if it is going to last.

I thank god for granting my wife the courage to stand up to me and tell me the error of my ways.
I am proud to say that all those things i was doing before are a thing of the past and my wife and I are as happy as ever and have been blessed by 2 wonderful children and are looking forward to having another as soon as god blesses us with the privelege of having another.

Pray to god for that courage and when he grants it to you ask for him patience as well so you and your husband can get past this bump in the road and move on to bigger and better things.

 

[blinkz]

The Word of GOD says "JESUS SAYS" very important to note, because inspite of and above everyone's view, the WORD should take pre-eminence in your heart, so the word says that the only time your marriage contract with GOD is broken is when either of you dies, reason being when you becomes married you are no longer your own, but the both of you become one flesh mark 10:8, and any house divided against itself cannot stand, i declair the peace of GOD that passes all understanding in your life and the wisdom of JESUS to deal with the issue, which was sent just to make you stronger. Be encouraged by the word of the Lord and walk in authority over the works of the devil. You have the VICTORY GOD BLESS YOU!
[/quote]

 

[Kaitlin]

i declair the peace of GOD that passes all understanding in your life and the wisdom of JESUS to deal with the issue, which was sent just to make you stronger. Be encouraged by the word of the Lord and walk in authority over the works of the devil. You have the VICTORY GOD BLESS YOU!

[/quote]

wow, I so hear the teaching of Kenneth Copeland or someone alike there. Anyways, I'm missing something in this conversation which I think is crucial. TwistedAngel84 did not share how long she has been in this marriage and how long she has been abused. She does also not share what she has (or they have) done in order to improve their relationship. She also does not share what her attitude is in this whole situation (is her attitude partly a reason for the abuse? I will not make any assumptions, because we really can't know unless she shares... and in any case, I so hope that she has not become bitter and unforgiving). When I read the posts, it seems that most assume that there has been made no attempts to bring God's healing into the marriage. But let me assume that she has (or they have) already been in counselling. Maybe there has already been a process of years of prayers and counselling. If you pray and keep praying for years and you keep being abused, if you have done everything to make it work, but there is no change, there comes a point that you just know that it is not going to be fixed. I believe that God is mercyful enough to allow an abused person to leave that relationship. I have seen too many abusive relationships to be so naive to think that everyone should just stay married to a person who abuses you. Let me just point out that I am definitly not in favour of divorce, I believe you should be very godly and do your uttermost to save your marriage, but I also know that sometimes, this is a rather unrealistic. For some it can work, but for some not. Besides this, most here assume that only men are the ones to be abusive in marriages, but I have also seen many relationships where the woman is the one to abuse the man.

 

[Ash72]

This is really interesting. So many non-married people, or people who have never been married, posting comments on this matter. Sure people say the bible is very clear on adultery being the only reason for divorce, that's all that is directly spoken. However, the bible is also very clear on people being wise. Wisdom does not tell one to sit there and be abused for the rest of your life. If one party is not going to change, they are not going to change plain and simple. I think it's absolutely right to seek God's help, seek counseling and give it your best go at a fix. But if one party refuses to change and continues abusing then I can't at all see god, in all of his mercy and love, saying to this person, forget about your anguish and the fact that you are living in fear and turmoil all of your life. Stay there in this situation!! No, I don't see it. There are things that happen in our christian walks that are not mentioned in the bible. Some denominations dont believe you can have musical instruments in worship in the new testament age because its not specifically mentioned in the bible. Does that make the rest of us wrong for having music in our church services? I dont think so, but its not specifically mentioned in the bible. SOrry folks, I disagree with many of you here. God's mercy and grace is big enough to protect an abused woman or man and i believe full-heartedly that he would allow them out of the situation, regardless of whether or not it is printed. And what good is a life-long separation going to do? Some are suggesting that she just indefinately split from her husband? So if this doesnt work, then what? Split further? Move to a different country? Some people do not change and refuse to, and in this situation, I think God's mercy would allow the person an out.

 

[grace]

Ok....I think that from what I am reading....the scriptures that are being are being used as a bit of an *escape clause* from marriage.

My take on it.....That of course God wants us to prosper where we are and thrive. He wants us to be happy...and I do not believe that He wants us to be abused.

When it comes to ending a marriage due to adultery....I think that is talking about the reason (s) that God would allow/honor another marriage. It speaks pretty clear on that. That does NOT mean you leave because they are not faithful...it means that if they are compulsive in their in that sin and show no remorse change then you could remarry if the marriage ends.

I have been through this, and have spent a lot of time seeking councel on this so that my mind and spirit were clear as I move foward with my life.

 

[iraasuup]

Wow such an in depth topic. I truly believe the bible is very clear on this matter as many of you have stated, however I also agree with Ash72 on some points aswell. Here's my take on it. I think it's easy for us all to sit back as outsiders and make judgement on a situation and tell someone what they should or shouldn't do based on the scriptures (and don't get me wrong... that is indeed the first place we should look to for answers and guidance) but, I truly believe that unless we ourselves are actually facing the situations.. sometimes we really have NO IDEA what is going on.. and therefore probably aren't really in a place to make judgement. The best thing we can do for anyone in this situation is pray and offer support.

Sometimes, we fail to see the bigger picture, or understand what's really going on, and are too quick to pass judgment.. and this can only add fuel to the fire! That is just my two cents worth!

 

[zander]

I've lived with divorce my whole life,
both my parents and my own. My father was an alcoholic and my family has taken in hurting people for years. I have seen abuse in their lives, I have taken abuse in my marriage, and i have seen abuse in my children's lives from their mother. I believe the Bible is clear on Divorce. God said originally divorce was allowed because of hardness of heart. That is really the core issue of Divorce, hardness of heart. For marriage is a laying down of ones life for another. God is Love and Love is an outward selfless giving act. It's a covenant not a contract. Covenantual marriage is a marriage based on the kind of Love that God is , Unconditional. That means that you came into your marriage covenant saying that YOU will Love them unconditionally. That means you vowed to keep your end of the bargain (covenant) regardless if the other person does. The worlds view of marriage is contractual, which means you keep your part of the contract then I'll keep mine. That is not Biblical. The worlds view of marriage is , what is in it for me? If it doesn't bring me happiness and they don't meet their responsibility to bring me happiness then i move on to someone else. God's view is Marriage is a cherished view of how God loves us and is a life time commitment to the extent that a person is no longer just themselves, they are one flesh with their spouse, a newly created person from the Two individuals. A very serious thing in God's eyes. Marriage isn't about happiness it's about commitment.
That being said, The Bible is clear on the Biblical breaking of the covenant of marriage. The First is, an adopted lifestyle by one's spouse of sexual immorality. The second is, marrying an unbeliever and the unbeliever no longer wants to be married. Those are the ONLY Biblically accepted reasons to break a marriage covenant. God hates divorce. It's not the answer as people think it is.
Marriage is to represent God's Love for his people. Abuse is not an example of that,regardless of what type. You are not to be abused.
No one is. Abuse is in no way Biblical. It has NO place in marriage. That being said, a person in an abusive marriage has the hardest calling. To stay married, love the abuser, hate the sin, Separate, but NOT divorce.
in other words, the Bible states that you are to separate from your abusive spouse, until reconciling is possible and you can have a marriage that would honor God. If that's not possible, you are to stay married, but be separated. Even if that's for years and the rest of your life. You are only free to remarry if your spouse dies, or commits adultery or moves into an illegitimate marriage. God see's marriage that seriously. If you are in a situation where you are married but separated, and there is no reconciliation, God at that point becomes responsible to stand in the gap and be a husband to you ,a father to your children and meet your needs which he does. If you email me back i can give you the Bible passages that show what I've explained. And if your interested some advice on some healthy ways to go about Tough Love. Love that does the right hard thing for the sake of others. Praying for you and your family. A brother in Christ, zander PS. God's will is for your marriaged to be healed and prayers for that are of utmost importance. The Bible states that if we perservere in prayer God hears us. BUT.... that doesn't mean because you have faith in prayer that he will change and that God will impose his will on your husband, God can bring about things to change a person's heart, but he won't force them to. That is an act of the will. Be encouraged, God does work miracles, exspecially if he's a Christian

 

[grace]

I've lived with divorce my whole life,
both my parents and my own. My father was an alcoholic and my family has taken in hurting people for years. I have seen abuse in their lives, I have taken abuse in my marriage, and i have seen abuse in my children's lives from their mother. I believe the Bible is clear on Divorce. God said originally divorce was allowed because of hardness of heart. That is really the core issue of Divorce, hardness of heart. For marriage is a laying down of ones life for another. God is Love and Love is an outward selfless giving act. It's a covenant not a contract. Covenantual marriage is a marriage based on the kind of Love that God is , Unconditional. That means that you came into your marriage covenant saying that YOU will Love them unconditionally. That means you vowed to keep your end of the bargain (covenant) regardless if the other person does. The worlds view of marriage is contractual, which means you keep your part of the contract then I'll keep mine. That is not Biblical. The worlds view of marriage is , what is in it for me? If it doesn't bring me happiness and they don't meet their responsibility to bring me happiness then i move on to someone else. God's view is Marriage is a cherished view of how God loves us and is a life time commitment to the extent that a person is no longer just themselves, they are one flesh with their spouse, a newly created person from the Two individuals. A very serious thing in God's eyes. Marriage isn't about happiness it's about commitment.
That being said, The Bible is clear on the Biblical breaking of the covenant of marriage. The First is, an adopted lifestyle by one's spouse of sexual immorality. The second is, marrying an unbeliever and the unbeliever no longer wants to be married. Those are the ONLY Biblically accepted reasons to break a marriage covenant. God hates divorce. It's not the answer as people think it is.
Marriage is to represent God's Love for his people. Abuse is not an example of that,regardless of what type. You are not to be abused.
No one is. Abuse is in no way Biblical. It has NO place in marriage. That being said, a person in an abusive marriage has the hardest calling. To stay married, love the abuser, hate the sin, Separate, but NOT divorce.
in other words, the Bible states that you are to separate from your abusive spouse, until reconciling is possible and you can have a marriage that would honor God. If that's not possible, you are to stay married, but be separated. Even if that's for years and the rest of your life. You are only free to remarry if your spouse dies, or commits adultery or moves into an illegitimate marriage. God see's marriage that seriously. If you are in a situation where you are married but separated, and there is no reconciliation, God at that point becomes responsible to stand in the gap and be a husband to you ,a father to your children and meet your needs which he does. If you email me back i can give you the Bible passages that show what I've explained. And if your interested some advice on some healthy ways to go about Tough Love. Love that does the right hard thing for the sake of others. Praying for you and your family. A brother in Christ, zander PS. God's will is for your marriaged to be healed and prayers for that are of utmost importance. The Bible states that if we perservere in prayer God hears us. BUT.... that doesn't mean because you have faith in prayer that he will change and that God will impose his will on your husband, God can bring about things to change a person's heart, but he won't force them to. That is an act of the will. Be encouraged, God does work miracles, exspecially if he's a Christian

Enough said!!! Zander, this has been the best post on the subject. It was pretty much what I was trying to say in my *meager* little post, but failed miserably to get accross.
Very well written. Thanks for posting it.

 

[iraasuup]

Here's a question. What if your spouse leaves you? Like because they're unhappy for whatever reason. So they leave you.. they decide they absolutely do not want to reconcile.. they want to move on with their life. You have done everything you can to hold on to the marriage yet they still walk out. Well then what. Are you all saying you are then not free to re-marry if someone else comes along? Or are you destinecd to remain single for the rest of your life. I mean THEY left you.

Just a scenario I'm throwing out there...
Any thoughts?

 

[carpetmanswife]

if the unbeliever depart let him depart 1 cor 7:15