widows/widowers are people too :)

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J

Jullianna

Guest
#1
#1
Why is it that so many people just assume you've been divorced if you are over 30 and unmarried? And when you say that your spouse died, it's like you just said you're growing a third eye or something? :)

We are people too. haha We date, we joke, we laugh, we love. It's okay to talk to us! Really!


P.S. - it sometimes helps if this is a marital status option so that it's not such a surprise to people after they begin talking with you. :)
 
superdave5221

superdave5221

Senior Member
#2
Jul 28, 2009
1,409
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#2
Hey Julianna, I am sorry you're having trouble with this. When looking for potential marriage partners, sometimes people tend to see things like this as "baggage", instead of seeing the positives in it. Certainly, if your spouse is deceased, you have every right to remarry, if that is your wish. Many people attach too much importance to things like, never been married, socieoeconomic status, age (within reason), looks, ect., when the most important thing, is that you are a sister in Christ. To be honest, I am a little surprised that you would have this type of problem among Christians. But Christians are people too. And people, are imperfect.
 
K

kiwi_OT

Guest
#3
#3
Many blessings on you :)

Do you have any children?
 
D

DABEARS85

Guest
#4
#4
Jullianna said:
Why is it that so many people just assume you've been divorced if you are over 30 and unmarried? And when you say that your spouse died, it's like you just said you're growing a third eye or something? :)

We are people too. haha We date, we joke, we laugh, we love. It's okay to talk to us! Really!


P.S. - it sometimes helps if this is a marital status option so that it's not such a surprise to people after they begin talking with you. :)
Click to expand...
This is honestly a sad case and I am sorry to hear of men or women losing their spouse due to death at such a young age. That has to be heartbreaking. I am truly sorry... and anyone that pretends you are NOT people too are completely insane. Being a widower is nowhere near being divorced on any level whatsoever. I certainly wouldn't hold it against you :)
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#5
May 23, 2009
16,525
5,459
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#5
Julianna,

I just wanted to say thank you for your thread and for making us all more sensitive towards this heart-breaking situation.

I've had severals friends who had parents that died at very young ages and I never know what to say... I don't want to appear callous at all but I also don't want to dwell on the loss either if they're the stage of healing and moving on.

Thank you for making us all a little more aware of what some of our fellow Christians are going through--I'm so sorry for your loss and sincerely hope that God has given you people, family, a church, and friends like us on CC who can support you.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#6
#6
Thanks everyone for the loving thoughts and words. I supposed that when people see that you are relatively young and have gone through something like this, they would automatically assume that you're looking for another spouse. I can't imagine anything farther from the truth. It's very important to take time and not jump into anything, you know? There's a lot of healing that needs to take place before you should begin to consider entering into a serious relationship with anyone.
 
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bugsb

Guest
#7
#7
Jullianna said:
Thanks everyone for the loving thoughts and words. I supposed that when people see that you are relatively young and have gone through something like this, they would automatically assume that you're looking for another spouse. I can't imagine anything farther from the truth. It's very important to take time and not jump into anything, you know? There's a lot of healing that needs to take place before you should begin to consider entering into a serious relationship with anyone.
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Hi Julianna,

I am a widow 3.5 years now. I am 42 now but was 39 when I lost my husband of 18 years. I fall in between the young widows like yourself and the older widows who are emptynesters and/or retired so they don't know what to do with me.

I know how you feel about being treated differently and have to agree that it is a shame that people want to pigeon hole us so quickly for their own comfort. I have found it quite comical as time goes on actually. Sorry time seems to bring out a weird sense of humor in widow and widowers.

Anyway, many widows never do remarry and it seems to me the length of time they were married, how happily they were married and how old they are when they incurred their loss makes a great deal of difference. Just because a majority of widows do not; does not mean you will not and just because your young does not mean you have to go off and marry someone tomorrow to make everyone else comfortable. It isn't about them, it's about you. Time is relative. For example: To one three years is a short period of time to others it's not long enough. So what is important is that you know when your ready and when you do then things will happen.

There are a great many secular sites out there for grief share but I have not found one that is christian and on line. I know how important it is to be able to have someone to talk over issues without worrying about offending anyone or being offended by anyone secular because of giving credit to God or quoting scriptures for edification and encouragement, or talking about topics like dating etc that most people rather not talk about period, so I would like to offer you my friendship, shoulder to cry on, and ear to bend.

I am new to the board and was drawn here by your post as I am in search of the very thing I am offering you. I hope we can help and support one another. God Bless You!
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#8
Aug 2, 2009
24,646
4,305
113
#8
Jullianna said:
Why is it that so many people just assume you've been divorced if you are over 30 and unmarried? And when you say that your spouse died, it's like you just said you're growing a third eye or something? :)

We are people too. haha We date, we joke, we laugh, we love. It's okay to talk to us! Really!


P.S. - it sometimes helps if this is a marital status option so that it's not such a surprise to people after they begin talking with you. :)
Click to expand...
Most people are probably caught off-guard because they were expecting you to be divorced. Then they probably feel bad for reminding you that you are a widow...then there is the awkward silence when they are stuck wondering if they should ask you about it or not, knowing that you might not want to talk about it, but at the same time knowing that changing the subject abruptly may come across as rude.

I'd like to think that once they are past the awkward moment that they would treat you as they would anyone else. If they treat you as anything less then they are not worth your time.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#9
#9
Thanks y'all :)

I guess I can see how it might catch people off guard, especially when it's more common for the person to be a divorcee. But bugsb is right, you soon get used to that reaction and learn to respond to it with a certain wierd kinda humor. :) Laughter is great medicine for most situations, even this one. :)
 
grace

grace

Senior Member
#10
Sep 8, 2006
1,064
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#10
I too fall into the camp of *assuming* a little to much when it comes to someones current status.

Reading this thread has definatly planted a seed in my mind to process more as to why people may be where they are in their life at a certain age.

Thanks for being brave enough to bring up this topic, and I am sorry for the loss of your husband. Take care.
 
W

wp65

Guest
#11
#11
Hi,Jullianna, I understand what your talking about. I to have just lost my husband to. And I was afraid to start anything at all. My God lead us to someone who my understand to.
 
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wp65

Guest
#12
#12
I agree with bugsb, life is to short though to sit home and look at the walls and it just pass you by. I know , its going to be hard to take the first step. My kids, don't like me sitting home and crying either. I've never been one to do that. I know my husband wouldn't want me to either. He had a hard last two years and he would never want me to give up on myself. So we all have to dust off the worry of people thinking bad. They don't come home to a empty house.
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#13
#13
Jullianna said:
Why is it that so many people just assume you've been divorced if you are over 30 and unmarried? And when you say that your spouse died, it's like you just said you're growing a third eye or something? :)

We are people too. haha We date, we joke, we laugh, we love. It's okay to talk to us! Really!


P.S. - it sometimes helps if this is a marital status option so that it's not such a surprise to people after they begin talking with you. :)
Click to expand...
Amen, Sister Jullianna. I've actually received messages from a few people questioning why I got divorced. My husband went home with God over 10 years ago. I am no longer grieving because I have absolute assurance that he is in glorious peace and eternal joy with Christ Jesus our Lord and I will see him again someday. :D
 
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BasketCaseII

Guest
#15
#15
I also am divorced, and i was told by one church that i had joined that i could never work for the church in any capacity.
e en though i take responsibility for my divorce & the destruction of my marriage. I have been told over and over that it was not my fault. Yes we have thoughts and feelings and should not be ignored.. Even had some peeps in my family tell me, well i told you not to marry her...

Whatever okay. I am tired of being alone and tired of just being invisible.
 
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BasketCaseII

Guest
#16
#16
I am a victim of domestic violence and as ashamed as i am about it all, i still want friends & I still want a life of some sort.
 
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