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Hi, I am having an issue and am not sure if I am doing the right thing. I have been married to my sweet husband for almost 6 years. We have two beautiful daughters and another child on the way. Things with his mother were ok in the beginning. Although she was a bit overbearing at times, I could handle it. The real issue began shortly after our first daughter was born. About 5 months after she was born we began noticing that her eyes were not locating and following objects as they should. It was something that was very scary for me, a young mother only 18 at the time. I talked to my husband and it was something we agreed should be looked at ASAP and in the meantime we would not try to worry about it until it was time for her appointment. However, my mother in law would never let it go. She would bring it up every time we visited or anytime we would see her. We asked her to stop and just see her as the beautiful baby she was and let us handle everything. She never did. It began to hurt so much more the more we were reminded that she wasn't going to be looked at as a "normal child" by her own family. Weeks later it was finally time for the Opthamologist appointment where she was diagnosed with Optic Nerve Hypoplasia and Nystagmus leaving her blind with crossing motions in both eyes. My heart was broken. I cried and I cried a lot. My heart broke for everything I knew she would have difficulty doing and my heart broke even more when I remembered how my mother in law reacted to it in the first place. I didn't know how to tell her and I wasn't sure that I wanted to, atleast for the moment. My husband and I agreed to let some time pass so we could gain some strength and then tell her. In the meantime, my mother in law was already telling family and friends that she suspected something was wrong. Which hurt even worse when we found out while we were trying to heal. I felt betrayed. So I told my husband that I couldn't bring myself to tell her and if he wanted her to know, I asked that he would be the one to tell her. She never gave him the chance for him to come to her. She demanded to know "what was wrong with her granddaughter" and she had a right to know ASAP bc she " is her granddaughter". She never acknowledged how hard it was for us and how hurt we were. My husband told her and asked her not to tell anyone for the time being. Told her we needed some time and then we would be the ones to tell people. She confirmed to everyone what she had expected anyway. We had no Idea until we received messages telling us they were thinking of us. It was something that hurt knowing that my daughters vision was something to be talked about. I'm not even sure why she had to inform the people that she did. I was willing to tell close family, but as for her friends and people we have no relation with, I felt there was no relevance for them to be informed about the issue. It just hurt knowing that she was being talked about something not in her control other than the awesome and beautiful baby she was. I guess you can say it created a little distance between us bc my husband and I was a bit uneasy about going around her, fearing she would bring up the issue. It was something very difficult for me to talk about and I honestly couldn't talk about it without choking up or trying to hide my tears. The distance created issues for my mother in law. She blamed us for not being fair and for not treating her the same way we did with my mother. My mother never over stepped her boundaries. She never saw my daughters vision as an issue. She loved her anyway and trusted if I NEEDED to talk to her that I would. For the sake of having my daughter know her grandparents, I had to put my pain aside and be ready to fight back tears if the issue was brought up and we continued to visit them on a weekly basis. My husband was very firm with her about her not bringing up that topic anymore and asked for her to view our daughter as the normal child she is. He asked her to treat her as she would her other grandaugher (my sister in laws eldest daughter; mother in laws first grandchild). She agreed. However, she just couldn't. She would still bring the subject up sometimes which I learned to kind of just avoid the subject and direct it to a different topic. I was trying. I was trying to move froward. Then I started noticing my mother in law staring into my daughters eyes with a look of observation across her face. I tried to convince myself that she wasn't. I tried to look away when I saw this. But after every time we visited and every time she held her it just became more obvious to me. She wouldn't let her vision go and she wasn't looking at her as a normal child. How could she when she was staring at her in that manner. All I wanted was her to look at her and smile...hold her and laugh, to look at her the way she did with her other grand baby and to simply treat her as a normal child. It began to squeeze at my heart and hurt me even more. I am by no means a sensitive person. I don't want to gloat but I'd consider myself A tough cookie, but this is something I could be tough against. It crushed me and it crushed me the more I thought about it. I told my husband after much hesitation. I never wanted to be THAT daughter in law, THAT wife...the nagging one but how else would I stand up for my daughter. For something that dug so deeply into my heart. My husband thought things were going smoothly so it took him as a shock. I kind of think he didn't want to believe it. His mother was Christian woman herself and was hard for him to believe she was still hurting me by the odd looks and the "secret vision questions" she would sneak at me when no one was around. I understand she may have had questions but my husband was very clear on how hurtful it was for me to talk about. To me she was not being considerate of my feelings and putting her own wants first. I asked my husband to just watch her the next time my mother in law held our daughter. He did and he was very quick to also see it. He asked her to stop "observing" her and to just love her and look at her as a normal child like they discussed. She was insulted but agreed. It never really changed and I guess you can say that I started to shield my daughter. As she got older I started to fear that one day she will see what I see. My daughter is Legally blind but not totally. She has vision. And I feared she would see the staring and it would hurt her too. So again we distanced ourselves. Not totally but just enough where it wasn't happening once or twice a week. We would visit but no longer made it a priority. I enrolled my daughter in a program for children who had delays in certain areas. So my daughter had a physical and occupational therapist visit our home twice a week. We agreed not to mention this to my MIL as it would just be another topic that would make her not see her as she should. We asked that if she wanted to visit us then to please call first. She didn't like this idea and would still drop by unannounced and get upset with us when we asked her not to, again. Anyway, we kept our distance but maintained a relationship. My mother In law always made us feel bad for this, although we warned her we would have to do what we thought was best. She would tell others that I was controlling and that I was hurting my daughter by doing so. So again after feeling much guilt from her, we again started our weekly or more visits. I remember clearly, it was a few days before Easter and we visited to dye Easter eggs with my MIL and FIL. I saw her "observing" yet again but chose to ignore it the best I could and reminding myself that it's Easter and to just enjoy this. Soon after we got home we were informed that she indeed was observing our daughter and based on her observations she was determine that she "has no peripherals and can only see 6 inches away". Again it crushed me knowing that she couldn't even treat her like we asked even on a Holiday. It became clear that she never would. Time went on and as it did, my daughter has been referred to as her "disabled granddaughter" and has been continued to be talked about to her friends as well as looked at oddly by her. Then she started these behaviors where she would make it very difficult for me to get her to attend my daughters birthdays. She went on vacation the week of my daughters 1st birthday and told us she might not make it in time for her party. When she saw we were upset by this, she came to the party but was sour about the issue. The second birthday she failed to remind my FIL of my daughters bday and he almost missed it and we had to reschedule just so she could make it as well. Third birthday she missed it completely. 4th birthday, we had to reschedule her party so she would be there and my FIL missed it completely as well and the 5th birthday her and my SIL scheduled their birthday on her bday party so we went to my moms instead to celebrate and bc the time we had for her cake pickup, she had to sit at home and eat cake alone on her bday. She then was invited to my daughters preschool graduation (a school for visually impaired children) and it took a lot for me to ask her to come being all that we've been through with her vision. Two empty seats sat there waiting. They never showed up. Claimed she forgot. Then it was my youngest daughters 1st bday. She forgot that too. She always remembers her oldest granddaughters birthdays and school plays but doesn't care to remember our children. The favoritism is really disturbing to us. The oldest grandaughter, Lila, bullies my daughter. Once she smothered my daughter with a pillow and knocked her head into a wall. It left a large bump on her head. My daughter was crying but instead my MIl ran to her oldest grandaughter bc she too was crying for fear of getting in trouble. She comforted her instead. Lila has also poked crayons into my daughters eyes and when my daughter told my MIL, she ignored my daughter. I'm not even sure if she processed what my daughter said as she went on talking. My daughter has very sensitive eyes and when we visit to swim, Lila splashes my daughter in the eyes with water. After constantly asking her to stop my daughter began to cry and told her "nanny". My MIL literally told her to stop whining. My daughter did it back to Lila and Lila told my MIL and very sternly told my daughter "Jaid she told you to stop!" My MIL and niece spend a lot of time together as they live right across the yard from one another. She justifies her favoritism with that excuse. However I feel that's no reason to treat my children the way she does. My husband sees it too and is hurt as well. The more chances I give, it seems the worse we get hurt. One time I went to the park with my MIl and niece and as my daughter and niece were playing another child joined them. My daughter was about to go down the slide when Lila and took the little girl by the hand and took off running from my daughter. They hid behind our bench and I heard her tell the little girl "here hide, she cat see very well". My heart was crushed by this. My daughter had no idea what was going on. They were not playing hide and seek either. If my daughter new this happened it would have broken her heart bc she adores her cousin despite her mean actions towards her. That was the only time I have ever seen Lila get in trouble by my MIl but she was also very quick to justify Lila's actions. "She didn't mean that" she said. I understand kids can be mean, I get that but those words she spoke "she can't see very well" were my MIL's words through Lila. I've never informed Lila of my daughters vision. I never felt we had to, as every other child sees her as just another kid. Lila only acts this way when she's with my MIL. Lila is very obedient when she is with her own mother. It's the favoritism. There's been times that she has gardened and spent all day with Lila and when my daughter came to visit and present her a toy that she wanted her nanny to play with her with, my MIl told her she didn't want to play. My daughter looked like a lost and forgotten puppy. Her poppy had to play with her instead. All this has created more and more distance between our family and my MIL. My daughter is starting to see it and it breaks my heart. My MIL blames me for the distance. She says I'm controlling and that my husband is a "henpecked" boy for spending less time with her. She doesn't understand that, that's the way my husband feels too and that we make descisions together and it's not up to just me. I think it's easier for her to blame me. Just last Summer she became angry with me after I got upset over her missing all of my children's birthdays. I told my husband she was angry with me and although I know we shouldn't have, we read her messages. Again I know it was very wrong but it did confirm how she really felt about me. She said awful things about me. Said I had a "tormented soul" asked "what does my son live with on a daily basis" talked ill of my mother and the rest of my side of my family. Even found out that she was praying her husband to die. When she was confronted about it she tried to justify it and denied some of it. She always has a way of making us feel guilty though and always trying to do the right thing we continued to have a relationship with her. Things were fine until she wrote me 3 months in advance to tell me she was going on vacation the week after my daughters bday which was going to be the weekend we had my daughters bday. My grandfather passed away 2 Years ago and we always have his memorial the weekend of my daughters birthday. So after all the celebrations she missed last year we told her very clearly about my grandfathers memorial and how we plan on having my daughters birthday party the weekend after, but to keep both weekends available in case something changed. My husband told her, I told her. We were very clear. Yet she chose to take another vacation on my daughters birthday. When she sensed I was upset she said she would talk to my FIL and maybe she could change the date. She is the one treating him to the vacation, so she can chose when to go. Shes a school teacher and has months of vacation each summer so she can take her vacations whenever but somehow they always happen to fall on my daughters birthday; mid June. Like I said before,She always attends her oldest granddaughters birthdays and celebrations though. She always buys Lila things and while I don't care for materialistic things, the message is clear that she has a favorite. After all this we became weary with her behavior to our girls. She has caused me much stress and pain and yet I'm always the one to blame. How do I draw the line? My husband and I have both agreed that we definitely need to permantley distance the girls from her until she can change. We have told her this but she is very angry towards me for it. Again, she blames me. Am I doing the right thing? I know I am supposed to forgive and I have. I don't feel any hatred for her but definitely pain. I feel saddened by it. Can I forgive and love from a distance? Is that acceptable to Jesus? How do I protect and shield my children from someone who chooses to pick favorites and not see my daughter as a normal kid while doing the right thing? IS this the right thing to do? Please, any advice will be appreciated. I am at a loss. Thanks and God bless.
