Let me start with in high school i knew who i was in Christ, I knew who Christ wanted me to be and what he wanted me to do which was work with high school youth and share my story with with them. It wasn't until after my first semester of college i completely lost myself, and turned away from God. I wanted to live my own life. I wanted to do my own thing and i did. I gave up my purity (which was the hardest thing to deal with) and dated people i shouldn't have. 6 moths ago i started dating someone i thought was a nice christian guy. Turns out he wasn't. We moved in with each other soon after starting dating. Long story short we moved to Florida or we tried and he stayed i left because he cheated on me and took my tax return. Anyway now i and before i met him i felt like i needed to have sex to feel wanted and right now i feel the exact same way. I feel like I am a disappointment. Not just for myself but for God, my family. My downfall started when i became addicted to porn. Which i still have a slight problem with it to this day. I'm so lost, so hurt, so confused i don't know to do. This hurt but desire for change was brought on when watching 19 kids in counting where one of their daughters was getting married and they both stayed pure. I felt like i couldn't have that. I couldn't have a pure marriage, or a good God driven guy. I'm never gonna have that. I'm broke living with my parents any advice would be great i could use it and some help. Prayer would be nice for a job i've went back to school which i gave up when dating that guy. My car broke down and i need money to fix it. As well as to get to church i was going until it broke down. I just need help....
Your story isn't that unusual actually, nor is it irredeemable. The God who could bless and use lying conniving Jacob, and cheating murderous David, and a group of disciples who ran off and left Jesus when the troops came and Jesus was arrested; well, I'm pretty confident he can handle your confusion and your trying to figure out who you are, what you want, and what you want to be.
As far as disappointing people, well you have. At the very least you have certainly disappointed yourself. But here's the thing, disappointment isn't forever. It isn't permanent; and it isn't the last word on your life and value. And I will guarantee you that all of those you think you have disappointed still love you and want good for you beneath the disappointment. Their concern will be (or at least it should be) to see you whole and restored and that is the goal they will be willing to help you work towards. Especially when you are feeling lost and uncertain, surrounding yourself with good allies and people you can trust to do what is best for you (even when you don't like it) is critical.
As far as the feeling wanted and the porn thing, sounds like you already know that porn and casual sex are the wrong solutions for the desire to feel wanted. There's a great book I read called
Your single treasure which is all about a christian perspective on singles and sexuality (because let's face it, churches usually do a really poor job of helping us think this through). The book starts off with the story of a gal who owned an antique store and had this really nice table for sale. A customer came in and wanted to buy the table but wanted a cheaper price on the table. They haggled and finally the store owner agreed to change the price…. and she increased it. She justified the decision by saying that it was her table, she could sell it for whatever she wanted, and after talking with the man and pointing out all the value in the table, she realized she'd be cheating herself if she sold it for a lower price. The point being god made you with value, don't give yourself away cheaply. The other thing that can really help, is to catch a vision for what you want instead of garrisoning yourself with prohibitions. A godly marriage to a good godly man certainly is not impossible for you, but if that is what you want, choose today to live your life to pursue that goal and prepare for it. Some people scoff at the idea of a second virginity, but recommitting to purity and sexual abstinence until marriage (whatever you want to call it) is the godly path out of the place you find yourself.
Ok that's practically a book already. If you ever feel the need to talk with an older single gal I'm here (cc pm; lurking in chat, whatever), and there's some other great people around too (many of whom also screwed up when they were younger, but have found God's healing and redemption). Blessings and do your best to leave the past behind you and turn back to pressing on toward the goal of Christ.
