Hey Everyone,
Here is something I've been thinking about after reading some of the threads: if a couple gets married and there is a significant age difference, what are their thoughts as to what will happen when one is left behind?
Yes, I realize that in ANY marriage, one spouse typically passes away before the other. But let's be real here: if a woman is 25 and marries a man who is 40, chances are, he is going to have health issues before she will, and God is going to call him home first. OF COURSE, there are always exceptions, but let me explain explain why I'm asking for people's thoughts about this.
As someone who has been part of Christian dating sites for many years, I'd say the average age of the majority of men who try to contact me is generally 15 years older than I am. Now, in my previous example, when one is 25 and the other person is 40, that may not seem like much of a difference. But when the ages start to go up... such as, when one person is 40 and the other is 55, I think that in some ways, the fact that you are in different phases of life starts to become more apparent. For instance... many men that age are grandparents, whereas, I don't have even have children.
Now, I am NOT saying all men, or people, for that matter, are like this. BUT, I often DO feel as if many of the older men who contact me seem to have a feeling of, "If I can just get a younger woman to be with me the rest of my life, I'll have it made. I won't be lonely, will have something nice to look at, and will have someone to take care of me up until the very end. I won't ever have to worry about being alone again."
If one spouse is several years older than the other, I often wonder, do they think about what will happen to the spouse who is left behind? Do they feel any responsibility to care for that person after their own death?
I am also aware of the fact that the reverse can happen as well. Over the years, younger men have sometimes asked me out, with as much as a 16 year age difference. I have sometimes thought to myself, What would happen if I were the one who married someone younger?
Let's say I were to die at age 70, and he was 55, which, in today's terms, is relatively young. I come from a family in which, if you love someone, you plan ahead and try to be prepared as much as possible. Of course, you can't plan for everything, but what I mean is, I would want to make sure of things such as: 1. my funeral costs, which can be an enormous burden these days, would be taken care of and something he didn't have to worry about; 2. that we had a cushion of savings for him and any children and/or grandchildren involved in order to help get him back on his feet. After all, what if my death meant he would have to go on working, or go back to work if he wasn't? Many people today find themselves significantly contributing to helping both their adult children and raising their own grandchildren.
I am not saying any of this to be morbid--I realize most people generally don't want to think about death--especially their own!! But I know one of the things that's bothered me personally in the dating world is that there seems to be this "goal" of finding someone who will almost undoubtably outlive them... in order to "assure" they will always have a companion, someone to take care of them, and never be the one to be left behind. It's kind of like a large mortgage or credit card debt: "When I die, that's someone else's problem!", and it falls to the ones who are left behind.
I understand the fear of abandonment very well. But I'm also not interested in being with someone who is actively looking for me to purposely be the one left behind.
I have a good friend whom I've known for well over a decade. Our relationship has always been platonic, and we've helped each other through some very hard times. He is entering into a stage of life in which I have little knowledge or experience, and I have often prayed that God will send him at least 3 people who to help him in areas of life I can no longer help him through. This is NOT because I think I'm so special that it would take 3 people to replace me--it's because he's done so well that I truly believe he needs a larger, stronger, and wiser support group to guide him through his next step of life.
I would feel this way about someone I married as well. Though of course, I would hope to be the love of his life, I do understand that inevitably, life ends, and if I were the one God called home first, I would want him to have a network of support and, hopefully after some time had passed (I'm selfish and don't want to think I could be replaced right away at my own funeral!), he might even find another spouse.
What are your own thoughts? If you married someone much older, do you mind the idea of being the one left behind? And if you intend to be the older person in the relationship, what do you feel are your responsibilities to the person and/or family you will leave behind?
