The Yoke's On You (Defining "Unequally Yoked".)

[seoulsearch]

Hi Everybody,

One of the recurring discussions I see here in the forums is the question of whether or not one should consider dating (or even being friends with) someone who is an unbeliever. The general consensus seems to be no, absolutely not, don't even consider it. (I myself have mixed feelings about this, mostly in the term of friendship--how can we introduce anyone else to Christ if we refuse to be friends with them based on the fact that they don't know Jesus to begin with? Just my own personal thought, and I do think it varies from case to case.)

But, my question to you is: how, exactly, would you define being unequally yoked?

Here are just a few examples--would you consider two people to be unequally yoked if:

1. They were from two different church denominations.

2. One person believed in speaking in tongues and the other did not.

3. One person believed in "once saved, always saved" and the other did not.

4. One person believed in God, but had questions and reservations... but was willing to go to church with the other person and raise their kids in the same faith as the other, "more on fire" partner who was unwavering in their faith.

What do you think? Feel free to give your own examples as well. I am asking because I once had a friend whose parents were Lutheran and Catholic, and because it caused some serious friction as to how my friend and her sisters were raised (which church to take them to, which schools to send them to, etc.), I would have to say they were unequally yoked, even though they made the marriage work.

At the same time, a couple I am very close to from my old church (they served as elders for many years and have retired to pursue their own ministry) began their relationship with the wife being a young, very on-fire Christian... and the husband being someone who wasn't even all that interested in church. When he first asked her out, she said no because of their being unequally yoked... but eventually... he started coming to church, and YES, at first it was just because of her. But eventually, he went on to become a strong leader within the church in his own right and calling.

While I personally wouldn't recommend dating anyone in the hopes that they will become closer to the Lord eventually, I have seen it happen.

What are your thoughts? WHEN are two people unequally yoked to the point of saying, "Oh, this could never work (whether as a friend or a potential date), I must stop talking to this person and possibly even cut him/her out of my life"?

 

[greatkraw]

good hard question

I saw a family once where husband and wife worship in different churches - recipe for disaster

 

[seoulsearch]

good hard question

I saw a family once where husband and wife worship in different churches - recipe for disaster

Exactly, Greatkraw.

I see so many Christians who seem to eagerly and vocally condemn the idea of the "unequally yoked"--but when asked to explain what that is (besides the so-called "obvious" situation of believer/unbeliever) or even scratch anything but the surface... hello? Hello... hello... (loud echoes throughout the abrupt silence.)

Growing up in a Lutheran school, it seems we always received staunch, Scriptural answers of what we were to do or not do--but never any hardcore examples or much discussion about the fact that there really aren't any issues in life that are completely black and white--which led to my utter frustration and disdain for times when people can quote a passage (or several), but aren't willing to discuss it in terms of everyday life and everyday people actually APPLYING that passage in a victorious way.

 

[lil-rush]

I think a person should strive to find someone with similar spiritual beliefs to his own. Marriage is hard enough without the added stress of different spiritual beliefs. If a man is supposed to be the head of the house spiritually, yet his wife doesn't believe the same as him, won't it make it hard for him to lead?

And when they have children, which beliefs will the child be taught? Yes, I know some couples say "Oh, well I will let my child decide that when he is old enough to make such decisions." That is just silly. What happens when the child chooses your spouses beliefs instead of yours? You're going to feel hurt and wonder why your child didn't want to believe the same as you; you'll wonder what you did wrong to not let your child see that your way is the "right" way.

***

I also think couples should be at about the same level of spiritual maturity. You shouldn't marry someone who is more mature or less mature than you. You will be a burden if your spouse is more mature and possibly cause your spouse to stumble and lower his/her standards; likewise a less mature spouse would be a burden to you and possibly cause you to lower your standards.

 

[mcubed]

I think you are referring to this Scripture, II Corinthians 6:11-17:
11 Dear friends in Corinth! We have spoken frankly to you, we have opened our hearts wide. 12 Any constraint you feel has not been imposed by us, but by your own inner selves. 13 So, just to be "fair" (I am using the language of children), open wide your hearts too. 14 Do not yoke yourselves together in a team with unbelievers. For how can righteousness and lawlessness be partners? What fellowship does light have with darkness? 15 What harmony can there be between the Messiah and B'liya'al? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement can there be between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God - as God said, "I will house myself in them, . . . and I will walk among you. I will be their God, and they will be my people." 17 Therefore ADONAI says, "'Go out from their midst; separate yourselves; don't even touch what is unclean. Then I myself will receive you. In fact, I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters.' says ADONAI-Tzva'ot." (Complete Jewish Bible)And there is much to say in the Old Testament about begging yoked or married to a “non-believer” (Exodus 34:15-16, Deuteronomy 7:3-4, 1 Kings 11:1-6, 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 ...).
So, in my opinion no one cannot be married to a non- believer in Yashua and have a Biblical marriage. However, your points about not having the same Biblical beliefs is great! I think there is a lot of underestimated value in the simple having things in common between two people like in how they believe the Scripture. I think a lot of women forget that if we are going to submit to the man, in whom we Biblically must, we need a man in which we can submit to! Why “yoke” ourselves to a man that just does not believe, or I suppose one can say interpret the Scripture they way we do. Are we not setting ourselves up if not for divorce a long miserable life??? There are the doctrines which all must hold true to, Yashua is the Messiah, He died on the cross, rose from the grave and is coming back, and the Bible is the infallible, inerrant Word of G-d. However, many doctrines, like should we be Biblically kosher, which day is the Shabbat, does G-d heal everyone today (or is it by His severity), should a Christian drink alcohol, truly is “eating of meat issues”… it is debatable and not are we equally yoked for salvation but are we compatible for a marriage of a lifetime.

 

[Jon1412]

"Unequally Yoked" Means marrying a person who is not saved. If you don't know enough about someone to know whether or not they are saved, you have some serious problems. You should not date anyone that is not saved either, they will damage your testimony. The wife of Samuel Clemens, you know him as Mark Twain, married him because she thought he could change him. He completely destroyed her. Near the end of their lives during hardships Twain said to her, "If you must, you may lean on your christian belief." She looked over and said, "I haven't any left." She died a miserable woman. If you have not changed someone while you are being their friend, do you really think you can change them when your dating, really??? If you still believe that you need to get back into the Bible for a wake up call. The ungodly do not even understand biblical concepts, even what you would call easy ones. They just don't care. You are not able to save anyone, God is the only one that can save someone. If you have tried to convince someone to turn to God and they won't do it; pray, because that is all you can do.

If you marry someone that is not saved they will destroy you, they do not hald the same values as you do. God does not give his best to his second best. Why should you giver yourself, one of God's own, to a spawn of satan??? They will not treat you correctly, he will not love or she won't obey.They don't think that they should, they don't believe what you do. What is more importaint God or some hot guy??? Because marrying that hot, worldly guy that will lead to your destruction.

 

[seoulsearch]

"Unequally Yoked" Means marrying a person who is not saved. If you don't know enough about someone to know whether or not they are saved, you have some serious problems. You should not date anyone that is not saved either, they will damage your testimony. The wife of Samuel Clemens, you know him as Mark Twain, married him because she thought he could change him. He completely destroyed her. Near the end of their lives during hardships Twain said to her, "If you must, you may lean on your christian belief." She looked over and said, "I haven't any left." She died a miserable woman. If you have not changed someone while you are being their friend, do you really think you can change them when your dating, really??? If you still believe that you need to get back into the Bible for a wake up call. The ungodly do not even understand biblical concepts, even what you would call easy ones. They just don't care. You are not able to save anyone, God is the only one that can save someone. If you have tried to convince someone to turn to God and they won't do it; pray, because that is all you can do.

If you marry someone that is not saved they will destroy you, they do not hald the same values as you do. God does not give his best to his second best. Why should you giver yourself, one of God's own, to a spawn of satan??? They will not treat you correctly, he will not love or she won't obey.They don't think that they should, they don't believe what you do. What is more importaint God or some hot guy??? Because marrying that hot, worldly guy that will lead to your destruction.

Good points, Jon.

But if you read the beginning post, you'll see this thread is aimed more toward the direction of what defines being unequally yoked as far as between people who already believe, though of course, there is always the issue of unbelievers vs. believers.

The reason I wrote this thread is because people always tell me I need to find "a nice, Christian guy." (BRILLIANT!! I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LIFE-CHANGING ADVICE, BECAUSE I SURELY COULD HAVE NEVER, NOT IN A HUNDRED YEARS, THOUGHT OF THAT ON MY OWN!)

But here are some of my experiences with Christian guys (and I'm NOT saying all Christian guys are like this, of course, but this is how it's gone so far.)

1. I went to a Lutheran high school where the most popular boys bragged about going to the local strip club every weekend. One carried condoms in his wallet and was proud to show them off at school basketball games. Another, at our high school reunion several years later, attended with his wife, whom he was more than happy to show off--she was a stripper he had met in the Bahamas. She wore shorts smaller than what I choose as my own underclothes. And for our reunion picture, he told her, "Stand here, baby, and be sure to look HOT." Now of course I understand that going to a parochial school does not make one a Christian. But these were my first experiences with supposedly Christian guys.

2. I once had a situation in which I was talking online to a Marine in Iraq. We talked about faith and had many extensive conversations, as well as talking for an afternoon on the phone. He told me he was raised Catholic and with all he had seen in the war, his faith was stronger than ever. He seemed like a good guy... very much into his family.

One afternoon as we were talking online (just the usual, "Hey, how are things..), he told me he was masturbating as we spoke and hinted that he wanted me to participate in some kind of "sexy" conversation... I wrote, "I'm sorry, but I am not your personal porn object." He told me I had "hurt his feelings" and we never spoke again. I understand feeling lonely and stressed and having to deal with sexual feelings, but I was thoroughly appalled that he acted as if I should be flattered by his proposal.

3. I once dated a guy who was raised Christian, had a very strong-willed believing mother and grandmother, and when I saw his Bible, it was filled with markings and notes (judging from the faded writing, these notes were made over several years). He was also ten times better at quoting most any Scripture than I was. As we got to talking about past relationships... he could not even remember how many past sexual partners he had ("I know it's been at least 22...", he told me), and experimented heavily with underground sex clubs and culture (sadomasochism, etc.) and was still heavily addicted.

These are just a few of the examples I could cite.

Ironically, I have met several nice guys in everyday life (not online) who don't go to church (some are open to the idea), live clean lifestyles, and to my astonishment, are virgins (yes, I know people can and will lie but I've had every reason to believe them because I've known them for a while.)

Quite frankly, if I HAD to marry... and if these were my particular choices... I would pray, "God, please don't make me marry the Christian!"

 

[BillyTheKid]

In my opinion it would present a problem if two people from two different denominations would be together, however, a mature christian relationship is based on a strong foundation. That foundation is our Lord Jesus Christ. Regardless of the different beliefs the fact still remains that we serve the same God regardless of our different beliefs. In my opinion its up to the person. The whole point in the forums are for opinions not advice. Before we make any decisions we should first look at what God wants for us. If we base everything off of what we want we will always fail, God Bless!

 

[songster]

Good points, Jon.

But if you read the beginning post, you'll see this thread is aimed more toward the direction of what defines being unequally yoked as far as between people who already believe, though of course, there is always the issue of unbelievers vs. believers.

The reason I wrote this thread is because people always tell me I need to find "a nice, Christian guy." (BRILLIANT!! I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LIFE-CHANGING ADVICE, BECAUSE I SURELY COULD HAVE NEVER, NOT IN A HUNDRED YEARS, THOUGHT OF THAT ON MY OWN!)

But here are some of my experiences with Christian guys (and I'm NOT saying all Christian guys are like this, of course, but this is how it's gone so far.)

1. I went to a Lutheran high school where the most popular boys bragged about going to the local strip club every weekend. One carried condoms in his wallet and was proud to show them off at school basketball games. Another, at our high school reunion several years later, attended with his wife, whom he was more than happy to show off--she was a stripper he had met in the Bahamas. She wore shorts smaller than what I choose as my own underclothes. And for our reunion picture, he told her, "Stand here, baby, and be sure to look HOT." Now of course I understand that going to a parochial school does not make one a Christian. But these were my first experiences with supposedly Christian guys.

2. I once had a situation in which I was talking online to a Marine in Iraq. We talked about faith and had many extensive conversations, as well as talking for an afternoon on the phone. He told me he was raised Catholic and with all he had seen in the war, his faith was stronger than ever. He seemed like a good guy... very much into his family.

One afternoon as we were talking online (just the usual, "Hey, how are things..), he told me he was masturbating as we spoke and hinted that he wanted me to participate in some kind of "sexy" conversation... I wrote, "I'm sorry, but I am not your personal porn object." He told me I had "hurt his feelings" and we never spoke again. I understand feeling lonely and stressed and having to deal with sexual feelings, but I was thoroughly appalled that he acted as if I should be flattered by his proposal.

3. I once dated a guy who was raised Christian, had a very strong-willed believing mother and grandmother, and when I saw his Bible, it was filled with markings and notes (judging from the faded writing, these notes were made over several years). He was also ten times better at quoting most any Scripture than I was. As we got to talking about past relationships... he could not even remember how many past sexual partners he had ("I know it's been at least 22...", he told me), and experimented heavily with underground sex clubs and culture (sadomasochism, etc.) and was still heavily addicted.

These are just a few of the examples I could cite.

Ironically, I have met several nice guys in everyday life (not online) who don't go to church (some are open to the idea), live clean lifestyles, and to my astonishment, are virgins (yes, I know people can and will lie but I've had every reason to believe them because I've known them for a while.)

Quite frankly, if I HAD to marry... and if these were my particular choices... I would pray, "God, please don't make me marry the Christian!"

Seoulsearch,

I sincerely believe that, 'based on the experiences you've cited', the problem was not that these individuals were bad examples of Christianity, it is more than likely that they were not devoted Christians at all. You may as well have initiated a relationship with anyone on the street, as to have established a relationship with these men.

If it acts like an unsaved person, and speaks like an unsaved person, chances are...... enough said. The label of Christianity does not automatically make a person aChristian. Simply because they once sat in a church, or mouthed a few words, does not constitute a life changing encounter with Christ, or even a desire to change. Simply because they filled in the blank that says 'what is your religious affiliation' is not an indication of anything at all. I think 'Thaddeus' in a debate with 'truthseeker', said it best, "I can sit in my garage, but that doesn't make me a car".

 

[seoulsearch]

Seoulsearch,

I sincerely believe that, 'based on the experiences you've cited', the problem was not that these individuals were bad examples of Christianity, it is more than likely that they were not devoted Christians at all. You may as well have initiated a relationship with anyone on the street, as to have established a relationship with these men.

If it acts like an unsaved person, and speaks like an unsaved person, chances are...... enough said. The label of Christianity does not automatically make a person aChristian. Simply because they once sat in a church, or mouthed a few words, does not constitute a life changing encounter with Christ, or even a desire to change. Simply because they filled in the blank that says 'what is your religious affiliation' is not an indication of anything at all. I think 'Thaddeus' in a debate with 'truthseeker', said it best, "I can sit in my garage, but that doesn't make me a car".

I completely agree, Songster, about a "Christian" who is not really a Christian... but, to be completely honest, if I absolutely had to choose, I would rather take my chances on a person who was open to learning about God (and maybe not what we would consider a "full-fledged" Christian) and who had lived a moral life than on someone who claimed to be a Christian but had no track record to prove it.

Just my personal opinion!

 

[songster]

I completely agree, Songster, about a "Christian" who is not really a Christian... but, to be completely honest, if I absolutely had to choose, I would rather take my chances on a person who was open to learning about God (and maybe not what we would consider a "full-fledged" Christian) and who had lived a moral life than on someone who claimed to be a Christian but had no track record to prove it.

Just my personal opinion!

Opinion noted, and understood, however it is interesting that you presented only 2 choices, ignoring or eliminating the 3rd choice altogether.

 

[seoulsearch]

Opinion noted, and understood, however it is interesting that you presented only 2 choices, ignoring or eliminating the 3rd choice altogether.

Unfortunately, that's all I've been presented with are those two choices. I am still waiting on the third choice, which would be God's choice of a husband for me!

 

[songster]

Unfortunately, that's all I've been presented with are those two choices. I am still waiting on the third choice, which would be God's choice of a husband for me!

Understood. I'm confident you will find exactly what you're looking for.

 

[Sharp]

Here's an idea - which might be a terrible one, for christians who keep getting asked out by non-believers but not believers.

What about agreeing to date someone subject to an assessment period of 3 months, during which the person must attend 2 church services with you for every date you go on. 2 church services a week and 1 date per week.

Explain to the person how important it is for you not to be yoked with an unbeliever and that you can't be with them unless they are a christian. Explain to them that at the end of 3 months they will be dismissed unless they are walking with the Lord. If they really like you they will agree to this action plan.

I know this gives rise to the possibility that people will be 'doing it for the wrong reason' or 'faking it'. However, God works in mysterious ways and this could be a form of evangelism. This non-believer might end up pastoring a church one day. As long as you stick to the set time period, don't let yourself get too emotionally involved, and be willing to dismiss the person at the end of the time period, I can't see how any bad would come of it.

Just a suggestion...

 

[songster]

Here's an idea - which might be a terrible one, for christians who keep getting asked out by non-believers but not believers.

What about agreeing to date someone subject to an assessment period of 3 months, during which the person must attend 2 church services with you for every date you go on. 2 church services a week and 1 date per week.

Explain to the person how important it is for you not to be yoked with an unbeliever and that you can't be with them unless they are a christian. Explain to them that at the end of 3 months they will be dismissed unless they are walking with the Lord. If they really like you they will agree to this action plan.

I know this gives rise to the possibility that people will be 'doing it for the wrong reason' or 'faking it'. However, God works in mysterious ways and this could be a form of evangelism. This non-believer might end up pastoring a church one day. As long as you stick to the set time period, don't let yourself get too emotionally involved, and be willing to dismiss the person at the end of the time period, I can't see how any bad would come of it.

Just a suggestion...

Looks good in writing, my friend, but one of the main benefits of following Paul's instruction not to be unequally yoked, is, that both individuals begin the relationship in agreement, and the ground rules have already been set by the bible. Ideally, both desire to please God, and therefore, no one is striving to meet a particular standard beyond what is established in scripture.

By creating a 'test period', this places one of the individual's in a position of having control of the relationship from the start, a level of control which doesn't necessarily end, should the relationship continue. One partner could very easily spend the rest of their married lives measuring up to their spouse's expectations, recognizing them as 'the most spiritually mature' in the relationship, even if their walk with the Lord and knowledge of the bible is mediocre at best.

I'm just not certain that this ultimatum of possible dismissal, would provide the level of agreement and equal footing, both individuals should have at the outset of their relationship. If a Christian woman is partial to non-believing men or vice versa, there is little that anyone can do to persuade them otherwise. This desire is usually not measured against scripture, but is a perception of their own idea of a successful relationship. There are also those who are partial to dating non-believers because Christian men/women, may seem too conservative, restricted, or boring. With unbelievers, they have the advantage of being the most experienced Christian in the relationship, and as such, they basically control what is or isn't acceptable.

For individuals who do not feel they have a calling on their lives, are not given to witnessing, or perhaps are not that concerned with fulfilling biblical expectations, it may not matter to them whether or not their mate is saved, but for those who recognize that Paul's instruction was in fact a warning to believers who place God first in their lives, against the temptations, the potential lack of support, and an overall imbalance and general lack of stability these relationships can experience, there are obvious benefits which can pay off in the years that follow.

God said ask, and it shall be given. He also said, concerning Adam, it is not good for man to be alone, notwithstanding, there are some who have both Grace and the desire to remain single. I believe that when someone asks God for a mate, expressing their desire first to God, to be married, an encounter will be provided, giving that person their opportunity, with no need for ultimatums, test periods, or expiration dates.

 

[Sharp]

Very wise words Songster, and I agree with the principles you're conveying.

But I've heard of many stories of strong christian men, established in their faith, I've even heard preachers, who say "I started going to church because of this girl that I liked". And then BAM before they know it, they encounter the Holy Spirit.

Who knows, that creepy unbeliever asking you out every day could well be the next Mark Driscoll, Joyce Meyer, or Pope Benedict.

We are not to be yoked with an unbeliever, or unequally yoked. But people grow in the Lord. They can get more yolk with time.

 

[Sharp]

 

[kiwi_OT]

I completely agree, Songster, about a "Christian" who is not really a Christian... but, to be completely honest, if I absolutely had to choose, I would rather take my chances on a person who was open to learning about God (and maybe not what we would consider a "full-fledged" Christian) and who had lived a moral life than on someone who claimed to be a Christian but had no track record to prove it.

Just my personal opinion!

Tried this girfriendl and trust me it sucks. We all require as men and women in our relationships to be supported and made accountable for our decisions and spiritual growth. My ex was a very wonderful, loving, 'willing to learn about God', hardworking etc type of guy. But I ended up sinning (no surprises there aye) and at the end of the day we had nothing in common and I required more leadership in a potential spiritual partner.
I know its hard and it sounds like youve had hard luck with a few guys which you truly do not deserve and I hope and pray you will not bump into losers like these. They are tearing your hope in a good man up. Dont fall for that kind of lying (we all know who loves to whisper those types of lies at us).

Hang in there!! Will start praying for you

 

[songster]

Very wise words Songster, and I agree with the principles you're conveying.

But I've heard of many stories of strong christian men, established in their faith, I've even heard preachers, who say "I started going to church because of this girl that I liked". And then BAM before they know it, they encounter the Holy Spirit.

Who knows, that creepy unbeliever asking you out every day could well be the next Mark Driscoll, Joyce Meyer, or Pope Benedict.

We are not to be yoked with an unbeliever, or unequally yoked. But people grow in the Lord. They can get more yolk with time.

I certainly have no qualms with anyone who desires to bring a friend to church, and early in the relationship, that is hopefully what they are, simply friends, not sexual partners or live in boyfriends/girlfriends. We build relationships all the time with individuals who may, at some point, develop a fruitful relationship with the Lord. This is part of our responsibility as Christians.

I am simply discouraging individuals from creating 'test periods', or giving ultimatums, as the results may not be genuine. If the motives within the friendship are not impure, I agree, God is ultimately in control and may very well use the situation to reveal Christ to someone whose heart is prepared to receive Him, but if someone is partial to the alluring persona of some unbelievers, they are already acting with wrong motives, possibly finding the world slightly more desirable than the church.

I also believe that while the term 'unequally yoked' can apply to any type of relationship, it is most applicable when considering marriage. There are, of course, variables to every situation, but for the most part, it's a good principle to follow.

The term yoke refers to the harness that is put onto oxen, hence (a yoke of oxen). The principle behind the scriptural analogy is, if one of the oxen is considerably weaker than the other, it will not pull its weight; it may fall, or may cause the other ox to carry most of the load. Obvious insights can be gleaned from this, which represent the possible struggles some uneven marriages could face

 

[seoulsearch]

Tried this girfriendl and trust me it sucks. We all require as men and women in our relationships to be supported and made accountable for our decisions and spiritual growth. My ex was a very wonderful, loving, 'willing to learn about God', hardworking etc type of guy. But I ended up sinning (no surprises there aye) and at the end of the day we had nothing in common and I required more leadership in a potential spiritual partner.
I know its hard and it sounds like youve had hard luck with a few guys which you truly do not deserve and I hope and pray you will not bump into losers like these. They are tearing your hope in a good man up. Dont fall for that kind of lying (we all know who loves to whisper those types of lies at us).

Hang in there!! Will start praying for you

Hey Melody,

Thanks for the prayers--I know I need them!

I'm not just writing this thread as a hypothetical--I've been there and done this all too, a few times, and yes... it hasn't worked... but... as I've said, probably like a lot of us, I haven't met the right Christian guy who is truly living as a Christian that I've "clicked" with.

Most people will be shocked to know that the guy I married claimed to be an atheist when I met him. But to my astonishment, he prayed before meals (called it a moment of silence, which was better than me, as I often forget), was unfailingly polite, shunned pornography, and was a virgin. I certainly couldn't say that about any of the Christian guys I'd met!

And, there was more to the story--his mother had been fanatically reigious--he had scars on his back from a belt buckle, one of his sisters had marks on her forehead from an iron. She had told them the entire time they were growing up that they were sinners and must be punished. She then became a Jehovah's Witness and sent me dozens of tracts and books, trying to convert me... never once showing any remorse, admittance, or repentance over the past. Was it any wonder he was afraid of God?

Now, I know other Christians are going to SLAM me for marrying him... but we dated almost three years before marrying and the reason I thought we could make it is because he went to the Lutheran church with me every week (before AND after we were married--it wasn't just a show) and began reading the Bible and having discussions with me about what he was reading.

Now, we had our problems, of course, and probably married too young. I also got involved with an apostalic church (very different--open and emotional) and as I become more involved in that church, we grew further apart. He was fine with the Lutheran ways but wanted nothing to do with the new church I loved so much.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder if part of being the submissive Christian wife would have been to continue going to the Lutheran church in order to appease his comfort level--I don't know.

So (braces for criticism), yes, I know, I know... everyone will tell me, "Well of course it all went wrong! What were you thinking?"

But... he was so much more than any of the other "Christian" guys I had met.

Life is never black and white.