Toughest Decision of my Life

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DazedandConfused15

Guest
#1
#1
To get to the point, my wife and I "separated" for a brief period just recently. During the separation, I dated for a few weeks and she did as well. The guy she started dating had been talking to her for almost 3 months behind my back. They were obviously further along in their "relationship" then what she wanted me to believe. We had both saw attorneys and discussed our options. I soon realized I was not over my wife, and I ended my relationship. I wanted to focus my attention on my wife and trying to make our marriage work. I had made several mistakes, and taken her for granted and I wanted to make right on my wrong. We have a 6 year old son together and I felt it was only right to try one last time but this time, change some things within myself. After several discussions with her, she decided to move back in two weeks ago. While hesitant that things would go back to the way they were, she has been pleased with our progress and the changes that I've made with myself. Well on Friday, things come to a hault.....she found out she is pregnant and it's not mine. She wants me to accept her and the child that doesn't belong to me but I don't think I can mentally handle that type of reminder on a daily basis. She's gone to the babies father and he's upset because she left him and now she's pregnant with his child. I don't know what to do, things were great the past 2 weeks and our relationship felt like it did many years ago. Then this happens, and now I have no idea how to handle it. Should I forigve her, and continue working on our marriage? Should I just divorce her and encourage her to start a new life with him? I don't want my son to know the reason his mother is gone is because of this. I wanted a second child with her, but obviously I wanted it to be MINE. I've never been so confused in my life.
 
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NewWine

Guest
#2
#2
Wow! I am so sorry for the mess you're in now. I have no advice, but I will DEFINITELY keep your family in prayer.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#3
#3
Holy cow man. Have you repented before jesus? I think you have limited options....lead or don't lead.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#4
Feb 21, 2014
70,937
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#4
1.) You both committed adultery while separated. SHE did,anyway, and has been for quite a long time. I think both of you need to make things right within yourselves, because obviously whatever led to your separation in the first place, played a huge factor.

2.) She was stupid and didn't use protection, and now she's pregnant by him. That's a hard pill for you to swallow, I'm sure. BUT she has no right to ask you to accept another man's child. You already have a kid with her, and now she's having one with him, which is gonna make things VERY awkward for everyone. I would just divorce her, forgive her, and try to get on with your life. If you stay married, this other guy is ALWAYS gonna be between you, since I'm sure he will probably want to see his child once it's born and gets older. Adultery is the ONLY allowance God makes for divorce, and she went way past that.. This is her mistake, and she needs to deal with the fall-out of it. Draw up divorce papers, let her go live her sordid life, and you find a way to move on from this unfortunate event.
 
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DazedandConfused15

Guest
#5
#5
Thank you all for your prayers and for your advice as well. God bless all of you.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#6
#6
I'm gonna go out on a limb here but people have come back from far worse situations. All things are possible thru Jesus. I think you gotta let God control the outcome. It was hurrying to find happiness that got you into this mess. Is hurrying to get out of it gonna have better results?
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#7
Mar 13, 2014
42,717
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Tennessee
#7
You both cheated on each other so in a way that makes it easier for reconciliation as both parties are responsible. If you love your wife and she loves you and you both are sorry for what had happen then I don't see what the issue is. The way that I see it is this - accept the unborn child as your own and salvage your marriage or divorce her. Yeah, obviously you would want this second child to be yours but it's not. Either get over it or get over her.

Welcome to CC.
 
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Cloud9

Banned
#8
Apr 24, 2015
220
2
0
#8
If you are totally certain she wants to come back then if I am you I am going to forgive her and take her back. Didn't Hosea do that?

Love covers a multiple of transgressions and children are always a gift from God.

It could be God is teaching you to be a forgiver like Jesus because being a forgiver is the ultimate sign of being an overcomer.

Just be sure she means this change and is doing it for the right reasons.

All this is conditional on her being a baptized Christian though because then you know she has Jesus to help straighten her out and He won't fail her.

Without him she could repeat her past behavior.

It sounds like she isn't saved so you will have to be firm with her and tell her if she wants to stay she will have to accept Jesus and get baptized.

You don't want to be unequally yoked because you will just have problems down the road when your values clash.

You can only say Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior by the power of the Spirit.

That profession of faith is a litmus test in my book to whether or not someone is truly saved.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#9
#9
Cloud9 said:
If you are totally certain she wants to come back then if I am you I am going to forgive her and take her back. Didn't Hosea do that?

Love covers a multiple of transgressions and children are always a gift from God.

It could be God is teaching you to be a forgiver like Jesus because being a forgiver is the ultimate sign of being an overcomer.

Just be sure she means this change and is doing it for the right reasons.

All this is conditional on her being a baptized Christian though because then you know she has Jesus to help straighten her out and He won't fail her.

Without him she could repeat her past behavior.

It sounds like she isn't saved so you will have to be firm with her and tell her if she wants to stay she will have to accept Jesus and get baptized.

You don't want to be unequally yoked because you will just have problems down the road when your values clash.

You can only say Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior by the power of the Spirit.

That profession of faith is a litmus test in my book to whether or not someone is truly saved.
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I agree with most of your post except the part about the ultimatum of accepting Jesus. That is manipulation and never works. She has to drink from the fountain by the prodding of the holy spirit.
 
PennEd

PennEd

Senior Member
#10
Apr 22, 2013
13,691
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#10
Incredibly hard situation for all involved. I'm not sure what is right, but I know God does. A couple of verses to help you brother:
Romans 8:28[SUP]28 [/SUP]And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

The 1st couple of Chapters of Hosea are really hard to take for men, but it might be helpful for you to see what he was able to forgive. May the Lord help you and your wife and look after the unborn child. In jesus name. Amen
 
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Sirk

Guest
#11
#11
There are a lot of unintended consequences ahead for you. That is just the simple truth of the matter. The best thing you can do is seek the Lord and His wisdom. Making emotional based decisions is what got you into this mess....making more will make it worse. The question that needs to permeate your soul from this day forward is....God, what will you have me do? Your will, not mine.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#12
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
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#12

I'd file for divorce and custody of your 6 year old, and send the tramp off to raise the child she created with the other man. I think in this case, God might actually prefer that you divorce instead of making a mockery out of marriage. Neither of you are committed to each other, you made a joke out of the vows you took and both went out to play the field. Your not confused, you've both just chosen to live in sin and created a mess. Sorry for the straight talk, but the kids you created deserve better. If you do stay together, make sure your wife's lover pays child support. I think you'll find that when you truly love someone, you won't desire to go out and date someone else. Your mistake was engaging in the same behavior as your unfaithful wife. Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first practice to ignore God's rules. jmo
 
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cmarieh

Guest
#13
#13
According to the bible you have grounds for divorce, but I believe in fighting for the marriage no matter what. Yes, it is sad that she got pregnant with another mans baby, but you still love her which is evident by what you said. The baby didn't do anything wrong and why punish the baby from having a good home. I have actually witnessed a family that went through a similar situation and now it is their testimony. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#14
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
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#14
I won't presume to know if you were unfaithful to your marriage vows or not, but I plead that you look at the situation through the viewpoint that pregnancy with a woman who is not your wife may very easily have happened to you.

If you want to preserve your marriage, and you are both willing for that to be the case, as it seems you are, I would advise the route of forgiveness and accepting this child. The truth is, you could just as easily be dealing with this situation with the woman you dated and your wife would be in your shoes.

Is it going to be easy? No. But God uses all of the situations in our lives to draw us closer to relationship with him. There is something that God wants to teach you here, to teach her here. Pride aside, you both messed around and have sinned against each other.
 
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Cloud9

Banned
#15
Apr 24, 2015
220
2
0
#15
Sirk said:
I agree with most of your post except the part about the ultimatum of accepting Jesus. That is manipulation and never works. She has to drink from the fountain by the prodding of the holy spirit.
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It is not really a manipulation.

You are just putting her on notice that you are a person of conviction and you are obeying God.

You have the litmus test to verify if her conversion is real or not.

And God speaks and acts through His people all the time.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#16
#16
I think the main issue is not so much about right or wrong or what to do, it is about how to deal with the emotions?

They both agreed to separate and they both agreed to date, so its not 'cheating' but a poor choice (and a sin, but were all sinners).

Perhaps it will help to think of it this way, the old relationship was destroyed, now you have a new relationship and in a way, it is like dating a woman who has a child from another man, except in certain ways, its easier for you than for other men who date women with children whom they had before they met (you know, because the woman is so protective and you will never be their number 1 priority).
 
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atwhatcost

Guest
#17
#17
My hubby was on a cruise on an aircraft carrier in the Med when his wife (first wife) told him she was pregnant. He married her. That's his daughter in all his heart, even though he knew who the biological father is.

This isn't one of those things you think about for a couple of days and then have others choose for you. Be a man. Make your own decision. And make sure God let's you know what to do.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#18
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
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#18
I hope you have the courage to forgive and to raise this child as your own. Really, a child is not a deal breaker. But you could raise the baby in a good Christian home, and the child would be forever grateful.

I'm sorry this happened to you, and I pray that you will think about your other child, and allow your wife to come back to you. It was a BIG sin, but as someone else said, it is not the fault of the baby.
 
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DazedandConfused15

Guest
#19
#19
Thank you all once again for your responses. My faith in God has been on soft ground for the past few months but I've recently made the decision to find my way back to solid ground with him. Your responses have been encouraging and eye opening for me. No one wants to feel alone in these situations but as some have said in the end I have to make the decision and do what I think is best for me and those close to me. I do believe in forgiveness and I do not believe I should pass judgement as some have pointed out, this could have happened to me. I know in my heart that I will be able to help provide the best home for this child. My current child is full of love and happiness and this child deserves that as well. Things happen for a reason and while my immediate reaction was "I can't do this", I am now seeing that I can do this and it's going to be ok. Thank you again for your prayers and help with this matter.
 
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RachelP03

Guest
#20
#20
DazedandConfused15 said:
Thank you all once again for your responses. My faith in God has been on soft ground for the past few months but I've recently made the decision to find my way back to solid ground with him. Your responses have been encouraging and eye opening for me. No one wants to feel alone in these situations but as some have said in the end I have to make the decision and do what I think is best for me and those close to me. I do believe in forgiveness and I do not believe I should pass judgement as some have pointed out, this could have happened to me. I know in my heart that I will be able to help provide the best home for this child. My current child is full of love and happiness and this child deserves that as well. Things happen for a reason and while my immediate reaction was "I can't do this", I am now seeing that I can do this and it's going to be ok. Thank you again for your prayers and help with this matter.
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Im so glad to hear that you are going to the Lord with this and allowing God to change and work on your heart. I know its not easy, but keep allowing God to work in your life and this could be a beautiful story and testimony!!!
 
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