No longer attracted to wife.

freedomf2012 · May 14, 2015

My wife and I have been married 20 years and have one son that is sixteen. Do to health reasons my wife was not able to have any more babies. The problem is that her weight has now caused some health problems, but she still doesn't think it is a problem. I have asked politely in the past for her to loose some weight and all she will say is I guess you want me to starve my self. She did loose most of the weight she gained from the pregnancy but over the last ten years she has gained a lot of wait. I know there are several people on her that are going to beat me up for saying that I am not attracted to my wife any more. The fact is that I love my wife because she is such a great person but her appearance has made me no longer attached her. I don't understand why we work so hard on our appearance before we get married but seem to not care about it after marriage. And yes I have kept my self in shape. Don't know what to do.

GodIsSalvation · May 14, 2015

Maybe try to get your wife to go on walks with you. That way you both can exercise and spend some time together.

ember · May 14, 2015

argh...I do see your point of view...but I have an expression:

show me a fat wife and I will show you an unhappy woman who has found a love affair with food

and this is not to say you are the cause of the unhappiness, but a person has to feel good about themself to keep in shape and to care about appearance and of course the less you care, the less you care

I have had a few friends who were fat or overweight and they were unhappy with how they looked but at the same time did not seem to have the will power to overcome their food habit

I think personal hygiene and taking care of one's self to be important and definately a factor in attraction but you can't nag a person into that

what if you tried to 'work out' with your wife...or bought her a stationary bike or tried doing something with her that you can participate together in?

who does the grocery shopping...is there alot of stuff at home that helps put on the weight?

Jeff_56 · May 14, 2015

GOD'S WORD provides , and HE simply says stay married(the WORD for believers following Jesus) or suffer the consequences.(a lot more severe than anyone imagines).

that's the 'contract'. (GOD'S WORD).

now, pray pray pray pray pray pray pray every day.
read HIS WORD every day.
be humble before the one who created the universe, and see what he has planned (it may not be comfortable, no, not at all comfortable; but no one else gives the way of eternal life).

there's a ton of stuff to look into for health (none of which the ama/doctors reveal, usually).

in fact, a lot of what is recommended 'officially' , causes a lot of profit, and weight gain.

Jeff_56 · May 14, 2015

footnote: most diet food, anything labeled "diet" is best to avoid.
likewise: soy(unfermented), flour(processed), milk(processed), sugar(processed), salt(processed), msg(processed), pesticides, herbicides, tapwater(unfiltered), tictacs(yep),
and so on.

and look long and long and long into , seek out and find and research, natural substances to replace drugs when possible.

notuptome · May 14, 2015

Nothing in the marriage covenant that requires you to be attracted to your wife. Stop thinking about your self and start thinking about her. Make the Lord first place for you in your life and allow God to bless you.

Just how would you feel if your wife contracted cancer and lost a lot of weight?

For the cause of Christ
Roger

Anneliese · May 14, 2015

freedomf2012 said:

Which one do you put emphasizes or importance more, the "she is such a great person" or "her appearance"? If you value her character more than appearance, then her appearance should matter as much. Remember, everyone gets old and ulgy.

I don't understand why we work so hard on our appearance before we get married but seem to not care about it after marriage.

Have you asked her this question to her (as above)?Is it to do with not being able to conceive another child? Only she would know.

There are many factors in gaining weight, you should consult a doctor or a dietitian.

I think the health concern is more an issue than appearance in the long run.

Provide her with a room to communicate freely and intensely listen to her, not just hearing her. Talk to her and pray together as a family.

MyLighthouse · May 14, 2015

Losing weight is hard. And there's a lot of guilt that goes into it. It's best not to tell them what to do and just help them and support. Since your living a healthy lifestyle, just be like I want us to do this together, your health (not weight) is concerning me. Appearance does matter, but surely your in over with her for far more than that. Fix her healthy meals, go on walks together, encourage her. 20 years is a long time, don't give up on her now.

3Scoreand10 · May 14, 2015

I have been married to the same lady for 52 years, and when I look at her I still see that 17 year old beauty that I saw 52 years ago. In all reality she is not the same physically, not as young , not as slim and trim, but neighter am I.
My eyes have aged as she has aged.
What I see is that Godly lady living in a corrupt body, not the body.
Mabe you should look at yourself to see if her physical looks is really the problem or is there more.
Look at that beautiful lady, not that corrupt body that God has given you as a help mate.

tourist · May 14, 2015

I have found it true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. OK, your wife has gained a few pounds but you are also 20 years older and probably also showing signs of age despite having kept in shape.

If you want a happier marriage you're going to have to change the way that you think.

Tell your wife that you are sorry. Perhaps she will have it in her heart to forgive your callous attitude.

tourist · May 14, 2015

3Scoreand10 said:

You obviously see your wife through the eyes of God. I agree with you 100%. We are both blessed men. God is good.

Pumicestone · May 14, 2015

Wow ! So many posts in such a short time. Obviously hit a nerve.

I regret to admit that I share Freedom's feelings. Wifey was a stunner 30 years ago but has not aged well.
Of course, I am no oil-painting either.

And if she ever sees this, I'm dead meat !

blue_ladybug · May 14, 2015

Pumicestone said:

If you don't want her to see this, maybe you should'nt be writing about her on the internet.. just sayin'..

Miri · May 14, 2015

Losing weight is something you cannot force her to do, she has
to want to do it for herself. But there can be so many reasons why
she may find this hard.

I also bet that she knows you dont find her attractive and this will affect
her self esteem, which will in turn make it harder for her to lose weight.

If you want to help you will need to be a team player, express that you love
her, do things for her to raise her self esteem, help her to feel beautiful.

Maybe at some point you could both go for a health check and use that
as a stepping stone to start a healthy plan, which you both do together.

Its hard to lose weight when the other person you live with is not on
a diet. If you dont need to lose weight yourself then you could go on
a healthy eating plan but eat a little more, to help your wife.

atwhatcost · May 14, 2015

freedomf2012 said:

What happens in another 30 years when she's, not only overweight, but OLD? Wrinkles come! Hair turns wiry, gray, white, and then yellow. Many women get chin hair and have moustaches most 15 year old boys would envy. That child fat wasn't merely fat. Her body changed. She has saddle bags, because her pelvis got pushed out sideways to let the baby out. Her skin inflated like a balloon, and no matter what you do, most women can't get that skin to look like anything less than a deflated balloon when the baby is born. Some (most) have pouches. The only way to fix that is plastic surgery, and that's only a temporary fix, because (and this is so going to burst your bubble), when you get old gravity hits.

The hair on your head will lower into your ears, nose and back. Her gravity will sink her perkies, and make her bubble bottom look more like an old bag ofd Jiffy popcorn that someone hung up instead of ate.

Wait until she hits menopause. Your lovely partner will turn into a raging volcano on the inside and a lava flow on the outside. I could have heated most of Philadelphia at bedtime, the night sweats were so bad.

So, really? You stayed in shape? Or are you like most guys I've known who swore they kept in shape? (It's really not a 34 inch waist, simply because your belt buckle is even with the bottom of the zipper. lol)

Think of her position. She married a guy who said he'd love her for better or for worse, and is already complaining before the worse has even hit!!!

I'll give you an insider's-trading tip. You know what got me to lose weight finally? A husband who loved me whether I was fat or thin! Once I'm not weighed down by his superficial demands (and I never was, which I am so thankful for every day), I was free to do what I wanted superficially. I weighed 234 at my heaviest. I lost ten of those pounds simply by giving up sugar for lunch and breakfast. (I so love honeybuns -- literally, not a figure of speech. lol) I came down with diabetes last year. (Duh now. lol) I then had to give up all sugar. Hubby has had diabetes much longer, (and he's never been big on sweets.) Instead of doing what you're doing, when I asked him what I needed to do, he gave me the basics. I lost another ten pounds. Only then did I decide I want to lose the rest. Not for him, but, of course partly for him. Mostly for me, just to see if it helps my back any. I've just reached a spot I haven't seen since the last century -- 199. (Okay, I've lost two pounds since then, but that 199 was so exciting!) I don't even know how much more I need to lose because that getting old thingy already started. Gravity is kicking in. I'm 1.25 inches shorter than I used to be. I know I used to be between 155-170 pounds, but I also used to be 5'11". Oops.

It works so much easier without someone nagging me.

And know what would help your wife -- you remembering to love her no matter what. I know we all say, "Let's never change," but come on now! You've been married for 20 years. When are you going to catch on we change anyway?

Nautilus · May 14, 2015

I'm going to have to agree with freedom here. Marriage isn't a reason to let yourself go.

Fenner · May 14, 2015

freedomf2012 said:

I had weight loss surgery in December of 2014. I do understand your concern about hour wife's health. I had high blood pressure, serious back pain and honestly felt awful about myself. My husband never said anything about my weight gain but he knew I was miserable about it. I'm not sure what got me to the point that I knew I needed to focus on my health but I know from my own experience that no matter what anyone else says it has to come from within to want to make those changes.

I would start by getting rid of the junk food in the house. We still have some, I don't totally deprive my family but my Husband and I had a serious discussion about how I felt like he was setting me up for failure when he bought it. So that helped. I think maybe sitting down and having a talk about your concern for her health might help, but I'm not sure. Will pray for you both, God Bless.

Desdichado · May 14, 2015

The best advice I can give is accept things for the way they are and roll. I don't know why she let herself go or if it is even her fault (glands being what they are).

What I do know is that it is immoral to seek sexual pleasure apart from her. You cannot divorce her unless she is cheating. Changing her habits at this stage of life is difficult if not impossible. Just be glad she was attractive when she was younger like a balding man can be grateful for the time he had hair. That and try to find new reasons to appreciate her.

And I have to say, you're better off with her than some hot lady who is a total ice queen.

But, let me blunt my edge here by saying, I feel for you, my friend. That sounds like a difficult situation to be in and I pray God leads you to contentment.

secularhermit · May 14, 2015

Sometimes those ladies are punishing (themselves) for not being (sexually) loved (the way they wanted)

mystikmind · May 14, 2015

freedomf2012 said:

I think there is usually more to a loss of attractiveness than just looks. There are many examples of men who still love and desire their wives despite age and appearance, so you really have to ask yourself is there more to it? And i think there will be!

Also self confidence has allot to do with attractiveness, so if your wife has lost self confidence, i would bet that will be the greater reason for your loss of desire than her looks!

So my advice is that your going to have to do some hard yards, you are going to have to work hard to build up her confidence, only then will you have a chance to encourage her to take care of herself physically.

No longer attracted to wife.

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