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F
I never took your post as not loving your wife. Also, I thought maybe you offering to take over grocery shopping. Telling her you aren't attracted will hurt to much. Start cooking too. Tell her she did those things for 20 years, it's your turn. I also like the walking idea. And keep in mind often men don't have the weight struggle like women do. Womens metabolism does change when they get older. Is tennis or some other sport you could do together possible? Also, find a nutrtion that isn't a fad diet. Depriving makes a person misreble. Diet products often make people fatter... Especially diet sodas and aspertame products. Drinking lots of water helps... I don't like plain water. I add real About 2oz to a 20 oz bottle of water. (I like Knudsen organic justices that are natural with vegetable mixes and are a bit thicker than regular juices.) Also, avoid products with yeast for a few weeks to help cleanse the digestion track. Getting her bowels regular will help loose about 15 pounds almost immediately! I promise! Everyone is different in skin types but agreed a woman's body is. Forever changed after children. However, it also depends on age... I had a child at 19, 34, and then 41. I'm now almost 45 and am struggling with weight for the first time in my life. But I'm not huge... Just not my normal 120 like I always was all my life. So just realize there are some of us who did greT for years and hormones, menopause, and health can affect weight, especially bowels. So I say research but be aware that there is so much commercialism in nutrition so pry about what is right for your wife. A good rule of thumb: stay away from processed foods, eat the colors of the stop light - red, yellow, green, also white foods are the most fattening. Hope I helped! And well, turn the lights down and put her needs before your own intimately, and pray for God to work on the areas you have needs in. I am praying for your intimacy. Lastly, our marriage often reflects our relationship with God. How much time do you spend seeking Him, His voice, and what He wants from you? I encourage you to ask yourself these questions... Heck, all of us should. Lord bless you and keep you and shineHis face upon you. Shalom~
since your moniker is FREEDOM, Sir...
Why don't you invite your wife to let us know HER reasons of such "abandonement"?
I bet she also has strong emotional reason you inadvertely bypassed.
If I could write down the things I have known (or done).
I also have been unachieving, emotionally, sexually, economically... Where could be any person placed on such things?
My sister is having problems with her tiroids... Is she having physical problems you ignored? (as those I myself ignored before I got married by wrong reasons, and not by healthy love)
Why don't you invite your wife to let us know HER reasons of such "abandonement"?
I bet she also has strong emotional reason you inadvertely bypassed.
If I could write down the things I have known (or done).
I also have been unachieving, emotionally, sexually, economically... Where could be any person placed on such things?
My sister is having problems with her tiroids... Is she having physical problems you ignored? (as those I myself ignored before I got married by wrong reasons, and not by healthy love)
F
For starters I have prayed about this many times. Every time that I have try ed to talk to her about her weight and her health she just tells me it should not matter , I should lover her no matter what she weights. I do lover her but am not attracted to her. I feel if she loved me she would at least try to loose some weight. I don't expect her to be a skinny mode. I have watched a lot of my friends on Facebook over the years get a divorce. Every one of them have lost a lot of weight when the start the dating thing. It's not right to just let your self go just because your married. And she goes to the doctor on a regular basis and has no health problems that would cause her to gain weight.
I never, never, got engaged with a lady with overweigh for (probably) your own reasons but, if I was sick, ill in a way the woman I LOVED would leave me....
Ohhhh! That hurts (same way I would not give her "pleasure") becasue that part of "me" don't work on that physcal-sexual area... What a predicament you are, sir.
Ohhhh! That hurts (same way I would not give her "pleasure") becasue that part of "me" don't work on that physcal-sexual area... What a predicament you are, sir.
M
I thought it was after becoming pregnant she begin gaining weight not after marriage.
What is the reason for divorce if you love her? You know there's many people that want someone to love and that loves them. I thought you married people this reason, it's an expectation that there could be weight gain or lost, lose hair and age well or terribly. That's why you marry the heart not the body. Marriage is a commitment to love someone until the death. To stay true to them despite how you feel. To love your wife like Christ loves the church. Sure thankful He doesn't want to divorce because my hips grew some.
Find out why she did gained weight without implying the "go on a diet fatty" attitude. That doesn't encourage, but makes it worse. Focus on wanting her to be healthy so she can be around longer, that you don't want to lose her sooner because of (insert health issue). If your approaches are failing try something different, fight for your love be different than your friends.
What is the reason for divorce if you love her? You know there's many people that want someone to love and that loves them. I thought you married people this reason, it's an expectation that there could be weight gain or lost, lose hair and age well or terribly. That's why you marry the heart not the body. Marriage is a commitment to love someone until the death. To stay true to them despite how you feel. To love your wife like Christ loves the church. Sure thankful He doesn't want to divorce because my hips grew some.
Find out why she did gained weight without implying the "go on a diet fatty" attitude. That doesn't encourage, but makes it worse. Focus on wanting her to be healthy so she can be around longer, that you don't want to lose her sooner because of (insert health issue). If your approaches are failing try something different, fight for your love be different than your friends.
U
I knew a girl once, she was not heavy at all. Knew her for years and she never had a boyfriend. She disappeared for a while and when she showed back up she put on a lot of weight... and started dating someone. She explained it to me this way... she had to stay at a good weight to get a guy, but once she had a guy she didn't need to worry because she had them. She purposefully stayed thinner until she got a guy, then once she had one she stopped caring and let herself go intentionally.
So it's not always a love affair with food, some people are just selfish by nature.
So it's not always a love affair with food, some people are just selfish by nature.
Not going to beat you up for being honest about not being attracted to your wife anymore, but the question is what are you going to do about it? Because the only person you have control over in this situation is you.
The most important place to start in this whole thing is to quit blaming your wife for being overweight. While some of her behaviors may contribute to her weight, there are also genetic and hormonal factors as well as a whole lot of bad nutritional information out there. I'm on my own weight loss journey, and one of the huge turning points for me to be able to do this at all was to realize that being given bad information on what was healthy and would cause me to lose weight was one of the main reasons I couldn't lose weight. It wasn't my fault I was failing. If it were as simple as eat less and move more (and easy to do), everyone would be skinny.
For the long version of all the science and graphs and stuff, I recommend Dr. Jason Fung's Aetiology of Obesity lecture series on youtube. The short version of what he has to say is that obesity (and diabetes and pretty much all our diseases of civilization) is caused by too much insulin. To lose weight you need to reduce your insulin levels which can be done by greatly reducing carbohydrate intake (especially fructose (which is part of table sugar) which hits your body with a double whammy insulin effect) and making sure you have longer stretches of time when you don't eat (like 12 hours every night, and no snacks between meals). Exercise has many health benefits, but weight loss really isn't one of them so don't pressure or nag her into being more active. That will naturally come as she gets more healthy anyway.
If right knowledge and advice are one important part of the picture, helping her find her motivation is the other. Tell her or even imply that it is something she needs to do, and she'll start out feeling like she's already failed by being inadequate as she is. You know your wife better than anyone, what is going to motivate her? For me part of it was watching someone else lose a massive amount of weight (like close to 100 lbs) in about a year. Another huge thing for me was finding something that I actually thought I could stick to long enough to lose as much weight as I need to and not feel deprived and miserable. If she's been on a diet before and felt like she was miserable and starving the whole time and it didn't work, don't call it a diet. In fact it might help to approach it as giving her permission to eat as much as she wants of the "good foods" which won't make her fat (I'm talking butter, bacon, cheese, burgers etc. not lettuce and kale). It might also help to propose it as an experiment you're going to do as a couple, eat low carb for a month and see how you feel at the end of that month and if you want to continue or not.
I've lost about 40 lbs in the last 9 months on a low carb diet (and I've had a few weeks off diet here and there during that time). I come from a chronically chunky family and having discovered the "secret" of weight loss I really want to see them get in on it too, but I do foresee some challenges in pitching this to others: 1) Fear of fat: if you're going to cut down on carbs you have to increase the amount of fat you're eating. There's plenty of evidence that fat won't hurt your health and never did (well except for those industrial produced grain and seed oils that may well contribute to inflammation). 2) Cost: Real food is more expensive than subsidized processed carbs. If you can afford it don't ever mention or complain about the cost, if budget concerns are an issue figure out how to do the best you can with what you have. Any good change is a step in the right direction. 3) Comfort: No one wants to feel deprived. And very few people will stick to an eating plan that they don't enjoy or that they feel deprived on. 4) Rewards and Celebrating: It's great for motivation to celebrate even small victories. But when you're losing weight, you shouldn't reward yourself with food. Don't ask her so often that she feels nagged, but if she shares with you that she lost a pound or two, celebrate it with her. And give her permission to get herself something as a reward for meeting certain weight loss goals she sets for herself ( a new outfit or CD or go see a movie for every 10 lbs lost or something like that).
Well that's all the weight loss advice my experience can offer. Remember you aren't the coach or the boss of her weight loss; your best role is the cheerleader on the sidelines who will cheer loudly whenever she accomplishes something.
The most important place to start in this whole thing is to quit blaming your wife for being overweight. While some of her behaviors may contribute to her weight, there are also genetic and hormonal factors as well as a whole lot of bad nutritional information out there. I'm on my own weight loss journey, and one of the huge turning points for me to be able to do this at all was to realize that being given bad information on what was healthy and would cause me to lose weight was one of the main reasons I couldn't lose weight. It wasn't my fault I was failing. If it were as simple as eat less and move more (and easy to do), everyone would be skinny.
For the long version of all the science and graphs and stuff, I recommend Dr. Jason Fung's Aetiology of Obesity lecture series on youtube. The short version of what he has to say is that obesity (and diabetes and pretty much all our diseases of civilization) is caused by too much insulin. To lose weight you need to reduce your insulin levels which can be done by greatly reducing carbohydrate intake (especially fructose (which is part of table sugar) which hits your body with a double whammy insulin effect) and making sure you have longer stretches of time when you don't eat (like 12 hours every night, and no snacks between meals). Exercise has many health benefits, but weight loss really isn't one of them so don't pressure or nag her into being more active. That will naturally come as she gets more healthy anyway.
If right knowledge and advice are one important part of the picture, helping her find her motivation is the other. Tell her or even imply that it is something she needs to do, and she'll start out feeling like she's already failed by being inadequate as she is. You know your wife better than anyone, what is going to motivate her? For me part of it was watching someone else lose a massive amount of weight (like close to 100 lbs) in about a year. Another huge thing for me was finding something that I actually thought I could stick to long enough to lose as much weight as I need to and not feel deprived and miserable. If she's been on a diet before and felt like she was miserable and starving the whole time and it didn't work, don't call it a diet. In fact it might help to approach it as giving her permission to eat as much as she wants of the "good foods" which won't make her fat (I'm talking butter, bacon, cheese, burgers etc. not lettuce and kale). It might also help to propose it as an experiment you're going to do as a couple, eat low carb for a month and see how you feel at the end of that month and if you want to continue or not.
I've lost about 40 lbs in the last 9 months on a low carb diet (and I've had a few weeks off diet here and there during that time). I come from a chronically chunky family and having discovered the "secret" of weight loss I really want to see them get in on it too, but I do foresee some challenges in pitching this to others: 1) Fear of fat: if you're going to cut down on carbs you have to increase the amount of fat you're eating. There's plenty of evidence that fat won't hurt your health and never did (well except for those industrial produced grain and seed oils that may well contribute to inflammation). 2) Cost: Real food is more expensive than subsidized processed carbs. If you can afford it don't ever mention or complain about the cost, if budget concerns are an issue figure out how to do the best you can with what you have. Any good change is a step in the right direction. 3) Comfort: No one wants to feel deprived. And very few people will stick to an eating plan that they don't enjoy or that they feel deprived on. 4) Rewards and Celebrating: It's great for motivation to celebrate even small victories. But when you're losing weight, you shouldn't reward yourself with food. Don't ask her so often that she feels nagged, but if she shares with you that she lost a pound or two, celebrate it with her. And give her permission to get herself something as a reward for meeting certain weight loss goals she sets for herself ( a new outfit or CD or go see a movie for every 10 lbs lost or something like that).
Well that's all the weight loss advice my experience can offer. Remember you aren't the coach or the boss of her weight loss; your best role is the cheerleader on the sidelines who will cheer loudly whenever she accomplishes something.
E
well of course it should matter and I am not sure why you have had such a hard time in this thread...I don't you deserved that
You just cannot explain to some people that the physical does matter...and that we are each responsible for our bodies
I did not read where you were going to leave your wife or that you constantly nagged her
Sometimes people are actually defending themselves and not thinking about your question
Somehow, your wife has to want to loose weight...perhaps you have that figured out...you also said she has health problems because of her weight...that should be a deciding factor for her but it seems she is totally unmotivated
Would she consider counselling as her weight actually effects the both of you....or maybe one of those plans where they deliver meals to the home to help?
I didn't read you planned on divorcing her...I would hope not..
There are doctors who specialize in diet or eating healthy...nutritionists...my mother once lost weight quite well by going to one...sadly, she did not continue...a bag of chips was too tempting
E
oops...missed this from yesterday
well, one of my cousins was quite pretty with a nice figure but began to put on weight ...which was a bad sign cause her mother was a small duplex...anyway, AFTER she was married her and husband moved to another province and I didn't see her for a number of years
Our grandmother died and of course the whole family came to the funeral...which was in the province she was born in
I walked by a few people sitting together...took a look but didn't recognize anyone...and then I heard my name called...I turned around and the person used my knickname...I blinked and somewhere in all the tonnage was the voice of my cousin
It was not a good transformation...I was truly sorry to see what had happened to her
I think it must be very hard to take all that off ...I don't think she has...I think she may have been more sad then selfish though...but I do think a person should do things to please the other in a marriage...well at least be considerate
I probably have a foot in my mouth now so I will pull out...
well, one of my cousins was quite pretty with a nice figure but began to put on weight ...which was a bad sign cause her mother was a small duplex...anyway, AFTER she was married her and husband moved to another province and I didn't see her for a number of years
Our grandmother died and of course the whole family came to the funeral...which was in the province she was born in
I walked by a few people sitting together...took a look but didn't recognize anyone...and then I heard my name called...I turned around and the person used my knickname...I blinked and somewhere in all the tonnage was the voice of my cousin
It was not a good transformation...I was truly sorry to see what had happened to her
I think it must be very hard to take all that off ...I don't think she has...I think she may have been more sad then selfish though...but I do think a person should do things to please the other in a marriage...well at least be considerate
I probably have a foot in my mouth now so I will pull out...
Pray about this.....I am talking to the OP.....freedom.....that you will have a change of attitude.... and take a lesson from my husband.
We have only been married a short time and he married me overweight, (lots), hubby will smile at me and say did you take a pretty pill? Now most days I'd like to feel bad about the way I look and not real confident that any man would have ever wanted to marry me.....But when he says to me that I am pretty and that he loves me. He helps make me feel better about myself and when I feel better about myself then I want to try and exercise and do better. Maybe it is reverse psychology but he is sincere when he says it an I feel so loved. You might try that and see if she responds to that....couldn't hurt.
We have only been married a short time and he married me overweight, (lots), hubby will smile at me and say did you take a pretty pill? Now most days I'd like to feel bad about the way I look and not real confident that any man would have ever wanted to marry me.....But when he says to me that I am pretty and that he loves me. He helps make me feel better about myself and when I feel better about myself then I want to try and exercise and do better. Maybe it is reverse psychology but he is sincere when he says it an I feel so loved. You might try that and see if she responds to that....couldn't hurt.
A
sounds to me like you are just looking for an excuse to leave your wife and want to blame it on her.
At least that is what I would think if I were your wife. Kind of depressing. If my husband told me he found me unattractive because I was unable to lose the weight I put on because I was having HIS kids. I would probably eat more and gain more weight to test if he really loved me at all or only loved the physical body that I had before kids.
Probably not healthy but if she is testing to see if you love her and not just her body, then you're failing.
How long do you think she will continue loving you if she doesn't feel like you love her?
I suggest counseling for both of you if you want to make your marriage work. Marriage is more than just sexual attraction.
At least that is what I would think if I were your wife. Kind of depressing. If my husband told me he found me unattractive because I was unable to lose the weight I put on because I was having HIS kids. I would probably eat more and gain more weight to test if he really loved me at all or only loved the physical body that I had before kids.
Probably not healthy but if she is testing to see if you love her and not just her body, then you're failing.
How long do you think she will continue loving you if she doesn't feel like you love her?
I suggest counseling for both of you if you want to make your marriage work. Marriage is more than just sexual attraction.