I kinda just had a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde moment. A lot of times I try to suppress my emotions because I hate feeling worldy, I don't like feeling like "those people". I've created this kind of mental rule wherever I'm feeling something that I don't want to feel, I have to filp a "switch". Once I've flipped the switch everything goes numb. I've gotten so good at it than when turn the switch on I almost don't feel a single thing, and I can do whatever I want without feeling hung up about it till later.
But just a moment ago I suddenly felt a short sharp rush of those same feelings I tried to make myself avoid. The scary part is I think I enjoyed it a little. In that split second, I felt almost completely different, as if my own spirit wanted to rebel against me, not against God, just me. It made me want to push back against it. It was scary, but now I just feel numb toward it.
But just a moment ago I suddenly felt a short sharp rush of those same feelings I tried to make myself avoid. The scary part is I think I enjoyed it a little. In that split second, I felt almost completely different, as if my own spirit wanted to rebel against me, not against God, just me. It made me want to push back against it. It was scary, but now I just feel numb toward it.