Wow...is this desperation or what? Seriously, you should consider being a writer for movie scripts. You would win, hands down, for drama. Does this world need to know this? Is this your way of venting? Let's get serious for one moment...Take this anquish and expressions here and get alone with your Creator and tell it to HIM...your Father. Give Him all your burdens, concerns, as JESUS said.."Cast all your burdens on ME!" What I see here is that you are using the internet to ease your burdens..it isn't working. Nobody needs to know your inward thoughts, except GOD..because only HE can do something about it. When you open up your soul to the world...what do you expect? What you will get is not exactly what you really need....only a relationship with JESUS can you begin to overcome this. Your fellow brothers and sisters can indeed pray for you...but..as I re-read your post..I see no mention of you seeking or asking for spiritual help, guidance or prayer. I see you wallowing in grief...and only JESUS CHRIST, the Holy SPIRIT and GOD Himself can get you through, not this chatroom. There..I was as blunt as you were. Seriously...putting a man into a trash bag and putting it into a shredder? If I didn't laugh, I would sob...