Emotional Cheating

[hoss2576]

When someone tells you that their spouse/mate has cheated on them, had an affair, or committed adultery, I think most of us have a universally accepted idea of what that means. I mean there really isn't too much confusion about what they are talking about.

In the last few years more people have been talking about the idea of "emotional cheating." There have been some who have shared that they would consider it to be a bigger problem to them if their mate did this than physical cheating, because physical cheating could be done without planning, an example being a one night stand that happens. Emotional cheating involves more and is deeper, so for some it feels like a bigger violation to the relationship.

So here are my questions;

What does emotional cheating look like? How do you define it? We talk about having guardrails for physical temptations in dating and marriage, how do you guardrail your relationship emotionally?

 

[MissCris]

The Number One way to safeguard a relationship from emotional cheating is for neither party to have a close friend of the opposite sex whom they confide in, or who confides in them. All that vulnerability with someone who is not your significant other is just asking for trouble.

Edit: I had a longer post that answered more questions and my phone ate it, and now I don't have time to write it again.

 

[Lynx]

Not really clear on this emotional cheating thing, but... Someone used a situation as an analogy for something else (which is not germane to the topic at hand.) "Imagine you and your wife were happily married, but every Thursday morning you went to have brunch with the girl you've been friends with for a long time." Would that be something like emotional cheating?

Maybe I'll just wait until someone submits a definition.

 

[FlyDragon]

Every time I associate this subject to the bible verse when Jesus says, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

There was a sad and prime example of "emotional cheating" that happened within the church my family and I attended.

It involved the pastor and a member of the congregation and it consumed the pastor so much it devoured and diluted his teaching and preaching. It was a mess towards the end and the signs were clear that he was in love with this woman. He would be late for bible study on Wednesday after being at a ballgame with her all the while the pastors wife was at the church waiting, the list goes on.

The cherry on the top of the cake: the pastor took the husband of the woman's cellphone and downloaded pictures of her that were on the husband's phone. The husband soon found out as the pastor confessed what he had done later on. Needless to say the emotional cheating has since stopped but his congregation is still healing from the mess.

To this day we do not know if there was any physical cheating nor do I want to know either but it was clear this was "emotional" of some sort.

 

[MissCris]

Maybe this will help.

Wikipedia says...(I dislike Wikipedia but this is accurate)-

An "emotional affair" is an affairbetween two people that mimics the closeness and emotional intimacy of an affair while never being physically consummated. An emotional affair is often colloquially referred to as an affair of the heart. An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship outside the relationship, and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment. What distinguishes an emotional affair from a friendship is the assumption of emotional roles between the two participants that mimic of those of an actual relationship - especially with regards to confiding personal information and turning to the other person during moments of vulnerability or need.
When in a committed, monogamousrelationship, an emotional affair can be considered a type of chaste infidelity. It can be particularly difficult to address because the boundaries that are crossed are personal rather than physical. While sexual infidelity can be written off as one partner seeking physical release outside of the relationship, an emotional affair can delegitimize the emotional bonds that make up the foundation of a relationship.

 

[Lynx]

Seems emotional cheating is also the kind of thing one can be accused of fairly easily, with no real substantiation and also with no way to defend against the accusation. A double edged dagger.

 

[MissCris]

Seems emotional cheating is also the kind of thing one can be accused of fairly easily, with no real substantiation and also with no way to defend against the accusation. A double edged dagger.

I think if you're (anyone) with someone who is accusing you frequently or without much cause of any kind of cheating, that relationship is kinda doomed anyway.

Honestly, there Are real and serious cases of emotional affairs. People walk into them thinking they're safe because the person is "just a friend". An emotional affair is easy to defend, too- "I'm allowed to have friends, aren't I?" Or "Well I have to talk to Someone since You never talk to me". That kind of thing makes the other spouse/partner feel guilty and ensures that they can keep up their emotional affair, though I doubt most people see what it is they're doing right at first.

It's an easy trap to fall into, though I don't mean that as though the people involved aren't at fault. I just mean that these things usually do simply start as a friendship, but pretty soon both people are sharing their hearts and bonding...and if that bonding isn't with your significant other...it's a betrayal. If someone is out falling in love with anyone else, yes, that's emotional cheating.

Sorry...I just sincerely hope people take this topic seriously, and see it for the destructive force it can be within a relationship.

 

[Lynx]

Oh no doubt about that, I know it's real. I've seen it happen. Usually it's the precursor to the other kind of cheating that everyone condemns a lot more but sometimes the participants hold it at the level of emotional cheating for years. My own mother did it for quite some time before she finally went off the edge and did the other kind of cheating.

I just thought I'd mention it because I've seen people falsely accused of it before. Sometimes one will accuse the other of this specifically to justify one's own emotional cheating.

 

[melita916]

It's an easy trap to fall into, though I don't mean that as though the people involved aren't at fault. I just mean that these things usually do simply start as a friendship, but pretty soon both people are sharing their hearts and bonding...and if that bonding isn't with your significant other...it's a betrayal. If someone is out falling in love with anyone else, yes, that's emotional cheating.

i have seen this firsthand in someone who was closed to me. he kept saying the woman was just a friend. "she's just my friend!" but those close to him could see it was more. eventually, they both confessed to having a relationship (both were married when they confessed. idk if the woman is presently divorced. the man is still married to his wife) and claimed they were going to stop, but they didn't.

his family is very dear to me. and it's heartbreaking to see how much they're hurting because he still chooses the other woman. idk if they have a sexual relationship, but i wouldn't be surprised if they do. but it all started with the emotional cheating.

 

[JonahLynx]

I don't think that's adultery, just pushing the line concerning...

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. - Ephesians 5

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands. - 1 Peter 3

IMO the husband might not be too loving or considerate spending so much time with a female friend. And the wife might not be too respectful or honorable spending so much time with a male friend. Just my opinion though.

The man would feel offended because it seems like his wife doesn't acknowledge him and the woman would feel offended because it seems like her husband loves someone else more.

 

[jsr1221]

When someone tells you that their spouse/mate has cheated on them, had an affair, or committed adultery, I think most of us have a universally accepted idea of what that means. I mean there really isn't too much confusion about what they are talking about.

In the last few years more people have been talking about the idea of "emotional cheating." There have been some who have shared that they would consider it to be a bigger problem to them if their mate did this than physical cheating, because physical cheating could be done without planning, an example being a one night stand that happens. Emotional cheating involves more and is deeper, so for some it feels like a bigger violation to the relationship.

So here are my questions;

What does emotional cheating look like? How do you define it? We talk about having guardrails for physical temptations in dating and marriage, how do you guardrail your relationship emotionally?

It's becoming too close to someone behind the spouse's or even boyfriend's/girlfriend's back. Now there are probably cases where the one being emotionally cheated on does know this person, but it happens when you start hanging out or talking with this person on a more frequent basis. With regards to what Melita said about her friend saying "we're just friends", I think once you start saying that over and over again, you have a problem. There's a reason why people think these things in the first place, so it'd be better to take a step back.

 

[pwrnJC]

What does emotional cheating look like? Okay..let's see what the world offers us...There is an Affair that can be for one night or ongoing and either open or closed, cyber sex, casual flirtation, chatroom dating, Sexting, a booty call, illicit sex, wife swapping, exchanging keys parties, lap dancing, dirty dancing, pole dancing, soft porn & hard porn viewing, flashing, Quickies, gigilo, call girls, dating naked, open marriage, same sex marriage, and bi-sexual encounters. Adultery does not actually exist anymore especially if or both of the married couple gives concent. All are highly emotional, all are cheating if you have a marriage certificate and the one you are doing all of this with is not the same name on the marriage certificate.

 

[melita916]

i will add that both individuals were having problems in their own marriages. they had that in common. unfortunately, their eyes drifted away from Jesus and onto each other.

 

[jsr1221]

i will add that both individuals were having problems in their own marriages. they had that in common. unfortunately, their eyes drifted away from Jesus and onto each other.

You don't really hear of strong marriages having this issue. Once communication stops, the floodgates can open. That's why instead of location, location location, it's communication, communication, communication!

 

[seoulsearch]

One thing I think about though, is that it almost seems as if we have to cut out any and all contact with the opposite sex if we get into a relationship or, of course, especially if we get married. This would admittedly be a tough transition for me because I've always had guy friends. And my thought was, if it hasn't turned into something romantic after X years of knowing them, it never will. Some of my married friends have told me they feel very isolated because they as singles, they had guy friends and have a tough time coping with never being able to make friends with a guy again.

It seems that if I ever do get into a relationship, I'll have to pretty much cut off all communication with my guy friends except a generic Christmas letter or something that gets sent out to everyone... And as it is now, most of my friends and I, whether male or female, only keep in touch a couple times a year due to busy schedules.

As for when emotional cheating takes place... My then-husband and I worked at the same place and had a group of friends we all hung out with from work. He was really into gaming with friends and while sometimes I'd go along, I didn't always want to and we were always in agreement that sometimes we had separate interests. One of the girls we worked with liked gaming too and started going with him to these events instead (which I had no problem with at the time). To tell you the truth, I didn't even think much about it.

After all, we were all friends and hung out both in a collective group and in pairs. Second, I was married to him. Third, she had a long-term serious boyfriend and they were talking about getting married. But...

How does one know if it's turning into emotional cheating? I personally believe that if you find yourself preferring the company of that person to the one you're with, or if something significant happens and you find yourself wanting to call THEM instead of the person you're with, or if you're having to hide things from the person you're with in order to talk to or spend time with the other person, or someone insists that their "friend" be included in EVERYTHING... I think there is definitely a problem.

As for the solution... I'm not sure. One of the challenges I'm finding is that, as a single, people tell you to "Go out, meet people, make friends!" And some of those friends might be of the opposite gender. I'm not quite sure of how cutting all of my opposite-gender friends off is going to go. I'm not quite sure how to tell someone, "You're a great friend in helping me with my transition, but we both have to understand that if either one of us gets hitched, the only way can ever talk again is with supervision."

One thing I've found that's helped me get better is having a wide variety of friends. Maybe I need to talk about something and my friend Michael can't talk that night, but my other friend Kristen can. Maybe I just need to grab a cup of coffee and my friend Carrie can't go, but my other friend Alex is already at the coffee shop. Well, what if you're married and your spouse is unavailable, which happens often, due to work schedules, and you really need to talk or someone to rely on? Does this mean we all need to hope for a very reliable, almost always available same-gender friend as a back-up?

One of my own personal struggles is in how I'm going to transfer relying on a wide group of friends to almost exclusively just one person. I personally don't even think this is possible, because I'd be burdening him with the things I've relied on a group to help me with.

In the dating world, I've met several guys as well who will say, "I've always had a lot of female friends (and I don't plan on giving them up.) How do you expect to handle that?" Seeing as I'm not dating anyone, I haven't had to really think about an answer to that yet.

But if the time came, I guess we'd have to talk about it and work out some sort of compromise because, after all, I have guy friends, too.

 

[Lynx]

With everyone talking about people "emotionally cheating" with other people I think it should be mentioned that you can cheat on your spouse with things other than other people. Like the spouse who sits watching TV all the time, or spends every spare minute on a video game... ever heard of the Everquest Widows?

But cause and effect are not readily apparent. The person who watches TV all the time may do so as a RESULT of the spouse "emotionally cheating."

 

[Lynx]

As for the solution... I'm not sure. One of the challenges I'm finding is that, as a single, people tell you to "Go out, meet people, make friends!" And some of those friends might be of the opposite gender. I'm not quite sure of how cutting all of my opposite-gender friends off is going to go. I'm not quite sure how to tell someone, "You're a great friend in helping me with my transition, but we both have to understand that if either one of us gets hitched, the only way can ever talk again is with supervision."

One thing I've found that's helped me get better is having a wide variety of friends. Maybe I need to talk about something and my friend Michael can't talk that night, but my other friend Kristen can. Maybe I just need to grab a cup of coffee and my friend Carrie can't go, but my other friend Alex is already at the coffee shop. Well, what if you're married and your spouse is unavailable, which happens often, due to work schedules, and you really need to talk or someone to rely on? Does this mean we all need to hope for a very reliable, almost always available same-gender friend as a back-up?

One of my own personal struggles is in how I'm going to transfer relying on a wide group of friends to almost exclusively just one person. I personally don't even think this is possible, because I'd be burdening him with the things I've relied on a group to help me with.

In the dating world, I've met several guys as well who will say, "I've always had a lot of female friends (and I don't plan on giving them up.) How do you expect to handle that?" Seeing as I'm not dating anyone, I haven't had to really think about an answer to that yet.

But if the time came, I guess we'd have to talk about it and work out some sort of compromise because, after all, I have guy friends, too.

Hmm... makes dating sound like buying an emotional raffle ticket. If you win the guy or girl you get a spouse. If you are one of the many losers you get nothing.

 

[seoulsearch]

One can certainly see how emotional cheating gets started.

The couple is having problems and not understanding each other... and maybe not wanting to talk at all... or maybe they're having work schedules in which they never see each other. I've known so many couples who've had to take on opposite working hours in order to keep their family fed. The only time they see each other is in passing while they're running out the door.

So maybe one of them... or both... feel very lonely because they really are spending a lot of time alone, and maybe raising their kids alone. I've had friends whose spouses were gone for weeks or months at a time because of work.

And then all of a sudden... You find yourself talking to someone at work, at your child's school, or... at church. And this person listens to you, makes time for you, and really seems to understand. You spend time talking with this person instead of arguing or dead silence, as you seem to always be encountering when you try to talk to your spouse...

And the door to all the wrong things is blown wide open.

One thing I AM grateful for about being single is that it's taught me better ways to deal with being or feeling alone, which I hope to be able to transfer to my relationship/marriage if we do have to go through periods of separation.

 

[sassylady]

When I found out my ex had been looking at Playboy magazines when he was a trucker, and later pornograpy on the computer, I felt like it was cheating. He may not have touched somebody but he looked on them with lust.

 

[Pipp]

Emotional cheating often leads to physical cheating. I've seen it first hand with people very close to me. The " we're just friends " soon became the cover up for adultery. Now a wonderful lady is practically raising her 4 little kids alone ( he stops by for 2 hours at a time a few times a week). If you're married you have no right texting and confiding in someone of the opposite sex. Its not safe. Being friends is one thing ...confiding in someone is something else.