Compliments and Self Depreciation

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,414
2,405
113
#1
I have a confession; I can’t take a compliment. I can give them just fine, but if you want to see cinder looking awkward and at a loss for words all you have to do is compliment me. I’ll try to deflect it. I have several strategies for this but self depreciation is one of the old standbys. Tell me I’m kind, I’ll tell you that you only say that because you haven’t had to deal with me when I’m tired and grouchy. Tell me that the food I cooked is delicious; I’ll tell you it’s not that good and I’m sure I can do better.

But I’ve been around CC long enough to know that I'm not the only one who does this. I won’t name any names, but it seems like there’s a prevailing pattern (maybe even stronger in Christianity in the name of humility) of easily believing the negative things people say about us, but refusing to accept or believe the good things people say about us. It’s like most of us get lopsided in our view of ourselves and everything is skewed to the negative.

So if we admit that our perceptions of ourselves are wrong and most likely worse than reality, what can we do to change this situation and our perceptions?

 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,460
2,682
113
#2
cinder, what are you doing inside my head, reading my thoughts? staaaaahp :)

good question. i do the same thing.
 
C

cmarieh

Guest
#3
Cinder,

I am exactly the same way and I HATE it. I want so desperately to believe a compliment, but looking back to my childhood I was lied to and people betrayed the trust I placed in them and things really didn't change as I grew into adulthood. I actually got an accounting test back and it said that I got a 100% on it after freezing up on it I could not believe it I told the instructor to regrade it. I will be honest compliments feel good, but the question that remains in the back of my head is, are they sincere? I do think that every woman knows they are not who they are meant to me and that goes back to Adam and Eve. Personally, I hide behind my humor and I also have a tendency of saying everything is fine and to help encourage someone else when my heart is broken and shattered.

I believe it is always a work in progress that God is working on in every woman that will allow him to.
 
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#4
Learn to say, "thank you so much" with a smile. They aren't asking you to justify their words, they are giving you a gift of care and appreciation.

eta: you don't need to justify their sincerity or agree. Accept what they say as the truth. Now criticism is a whole other ball of wax
 

JonahLynx

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2014
1,017
30
48
#5
Yeah I rarely believe compliments unless they are from someone I have known for a long time. Otherwise I just take it for politeness. I always prefer critique because then I know what to work on. Until someone says what I'm doing wrong I'll always feel like I am screwing up without knowing why.
 
S

Shouryu

Guest
#6
For me, I just have a hard time accepting compliments as genuine or because I know I could do better.

For instance, I get lots of compliments on my musicianship when I'm doing things that don't warrant a compliment. "Oh, you played that so lovely!" Yeah, I didn't practice, I was sight-reading, and I screwed up twice and you didn't know because you didn't have the music in front of you. And even if you did, you still wouldn't know because you don't read music...soooo, thanks, that's kind and all (but that really sucked and I am going to be grouchy the rest of the day because of it).

Like Jonah, I tend to take compliments as more genuine when they come from someone whom I really know. Part of this is people who know me will know when I've actually, truly excelled. It doesn't feel like flattery coming from them. The other part, especially when it comes to music, is they generally know my capabilities, and are not going to congratulate me just because I played something in tune. They know that for me, good intonation isn't a "WOW!" thing, but instead, the bare minimum.
 
F

Faithful_Fay

Guest
#7
I was this way until a good friend had a talk with me about gracefully accepting a compliment instead of being awkward or making others feel unappreciated. Now I try to say thank you and get past the moment instead of prolonging it. It always felt like the opposite of being humble if you weren't reticent in accepting compliments, but it's worth effort to circumvent that sort of thinking.

Plus, observing this same behavior in another friend taught me how exhausting it can be for the persons complimenting. For some, it might extend past humbleness and be insecurity instead. It's tough to analyze our ingrained habits and thoughts.
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#8
So if we admit that our perceptions of ourselves are wrong and most likely worse than reality, what can we do to change this situation and our perceptions?

Just change them...?



People's perceptions of others are often filtered through their own issues.
 
Last edited:

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,242
5,210
113
#9
I have NNNNOOOO problems accepting compliments... so please feel free to pour them on!!

And fortunately, I have no learned to accept them graciously (if not obnoxiously) through both posts and PM's, so please feel free to keep them coming. :rolleyes:

(Cinder, as usual, this is a great thread. However, usually, by the time I get to your threads, people have already posted everything I wanted to say. Please forgive me for resorting to sarcasm instead. :D And by the way, you're awesome. And that's a compliment I EXPECT you to take!!! <3 :))
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#10
I think I don't take compliments well because I never believe them. If I really like someone and they know me personally, a complement from them can make my whole week - sometimes even my month. I find people don't give complements that much so, when I get one, it's a rare treat.

The high price of being a perfectionist is you never accept that you have any accomplishments, and you always remember your shortcomings - especially when others point them out to you. I wish others weren't always so quick to wound - some of us are pretty sensitive and do enough to tear ourselves down.
 
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#11
some of us are pretty sensitive and do enough to tear ourselves down.
I don't really take compliments gracefully, but I am better than I used to be. It does feel prideful to accept a compliment. I usually do end up trying to cancel it out with some other flaw for diversion. However, this doesn't mean I don't enjoy the encouragement. I don't want to be flattered, but a well-thought-out compliment is nice to hear and lifts the spirit, even if the person doing it doesn't know how wrong they are. :p

Something I do handle gracefully (in most cases) is criticism. I usually do give notice to it, accept the valid points it offers, and try very hard not to be offended. ServantStrike said it though... usually whatever your criticism is, I've already thought about it and beat myself up over it plenty of times, so take care in dealing those out especially if there's not a lot I can do to correct it.
 

Shannon50

Senior Member
May 9, 2015
184
2
18
#12
hummm... accepting love seems to be a problem in our society-- why do we refuse the good stuff? The first step is choosing to accept the compliment-- at least start for the other person, so they don't feel like an idiot for saying something nice to you--
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#13
I don't really take compliments gracefully, but I am better than I used to be. It does feel prideful to accept a compliment. I usually do end up trying to cancel it out with some other flaw for diversion. However, this doesn't mean I don't enjoy the encouragement. I don't want to be flattered, but a well-thought-out compliment is nice to hear and lifts the spirit, even if the person doing it doesn't know how wrong they are. :p

Something I do handle gracefully (in most cases) is criticism. I usually do give notice to it, accept the valid points it offers, and try very hard not to be offended. ServantStrike said it though... usually whatever your criticism is, I've already thought about it and beat myself up over it plenty of times, so take care in dealing those out especially if there's not a lot I can do to correct it.
This was sooo completely well said. Well done, madame. Well done.
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#14
I think I don't take compliments well because I never believe them. If I really like someone and they know me personally, a complement from them can make my whole week - sometimes even my month. I find people don't give complements that much so, when I get one, it's a rare treat.

The high price of being a perfectionist is you never accept that you have any accomplishments, and you always remember your shortcomings - especially when others point them out to you. I wish others weren't always so quick to wound - some of us are pretty sensitive and do enough to tear ourselves down.
Top drawer Servant, top drawer. Brilliant post. Kudos.
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#15
hummm... accepting love seems to be a problem in our society-- why do we refuse the good stuff? The first step is choosing to accept the compliment-- at least start for the other person, so they don't feel like an idiot for saying something nice to you--
Wonderfully put Shannon! Absolutely capital! Bravo.
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#16
for me, it has a lot to do with what the nature of the compliment is about.

most compliments embarrass me, especially when the compliment is given in a public manner. however, i do try my best to be gracious and say thank you, even when i'm feeling awkward. i've had a lot of practice pretending to not appear as socially retarded as i feel.

it also has a lot to do with the person paying the compliment.

one thing i'm kind of resistant to are compliments from folks (especially men) when they seem rather self-serving. this is especially true when i receive compliments from someone who i don't feel is in a position to comment on a quality about me, (i.e. given by someone who just met me, and yet comments on something that they have hardly had opportunity to witness) it often has the opposite effect on me.

instead of flattered, it feels like a mockery, and they present themselves as insincere.

compliments and "honeyed words" have become the socially acceptable way to treat someone whom you loathe (or just don't care for) yet don't want to publicly reveal your true feelings about. in some ways, i think people actually think this is what it is like to 'be nice' to someone, or 'loving one another in Christ'.

i don't pay compliments to people lightly, but sincerely. as a result, i hate seeing compliments given when it's clear to me they are trying to 'handle" or "smooth" someone over, or using the flattery to belie their true feelings. it's done way too much, especially in christian circles (including cc).
 
Last edited:
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#17
I actually love to compliment - to be the complimenter. But it seems from most of the replies (with one glaring exception by an unnamed poster seoulsearch) are uncomfortable with being complimented!
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#18
I actually love to compliment - to be the complimenter. But it seems from most of the replies (with one glaring exception by an unnamed poster seoulsearch) are uncomfortable with being complimented!

am i the only one here? .... ..... by the way, Ken, I love the pants! Are those Carhartts?
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#20
I actually love to compliment - to be the complimenter. But it seems from most of the replies (with one glaring exception by an unnamed poster seoulsearch) are uncomfortable with being complimented!
for me, it has a lot to do with what the nature of the compliment is about.

most compliments embarrass me, especially when the compliment is given in a public manner. however, i do try my best to be gracious and say thank you, even when i'm feeling awkward. i've had a lot of practice pretending to not appear as socially retarded as i feel.

it also has a lot to do with the person paying the compliment.

one thing i'm kind of resistant to are compliments from folks (especially men) when they seem rather self-serving. this is especially true when i receive compliments from someone who i don't feel is in a position to comment on a quality about me, (i.e. given by someone who just met me, and yet comments on something that they have hardly had opportunity to witness) it often has the opposite effect on me.

instead of flattered, it feels like a mockery, and they present themselves as insincere.

compliments and "honeyed words" have become the socially acceptable way to treat someone whom you loathe (or just don't care for) yet don't want to publicly reveal your true feelings about. in some ways, i think people actually think this is what it is like to 'be nice' to someone, or 'loving one another in Christ'.

i don't pay compliments to people lightly, but sincerely. as a result, i hate seeing compliments given when it's clear to me they are trying to 'handle" or "smooth" someone over, or using the flattery to belie their true feelings. it's done way too much, especially in christian circles (including cc).

you make a good point ken. i too love to pay compliments. and i'm not going to stop anytime soon. nor should we. it's one of life's great gifts. : )

in my case, and i venture to say, it's not just me. the fact is, most of us love to be sincerely complimented, even if it feels embarrassing and awkward. a sincere compliment can be just about the most amazing thing -- it can lift one, encourage, and help us to understand how others think of, and view us.

i can remember receiving compliments that have so deeply impacted me that, even years later, they're not forgotten. and i remember hearing from others how compliments i'd given had impacted others. it's really quite amazing that words from the heart can do so much good. : )

great idea for a topic, cinder. : D
 
Last edited: