New here & need advice....

KymA · Jun 20, 2015

Hi All,
I'm Kym, Ive been married for almost 30 years. I have 2 adult children, a daughter, 28 & a son 26. I also have 2 twin 21 month old grand daughters. (They belong to my daughter.) My struggle has been going on for a while, but I really want to change the situation & I would like to try and make a change that will, in the long run benefit everyone. A little background....my daughter married 3 years ago. She was only married for a short time before she left her husband for someone else & became pregnant. She has since divorced the husband & the children's bio-dad gave up his parental rights. So my daughter is a single parent. She has a good job as a nurse and has just purchased a home. The problem is I have been her sole child care provider since their birth. My husband & I told her that we did not want to be full-time child care providers for a long term situation, but it seems to be working out that way. We tried to get her to understand that we have already raised children & their are things that we have always dreamed of doing. She says we aren't good grand parents because we want to have our own lives & not 100% dedicated to the girls. Are we wrong to want to have our lives back? I love those girls to the moon & back, but in the end I am not their Mother. I want to do what's best, but I feel like I am trapped. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Kym

purgedconscience · Jun 20, 2015

Hi Kym.

I'm not sure that I'm qualified to answer your question, so I'm primarily going to pray for you that God gives you wisdom and I'll secondarily just offer some thoughts for now.

I'm thinking that you shouldn't feel or be trapped in that it doesn't seem right that you should have to unwillingly be forced to maintain children that were brought into this world by choices that your daughter made. In other words, she's ultimately responsible for her own children and she shouldn't use guilt or condemnation to coerce you into raising her own children.

On the other hand, Christ has called those who belong to Him to lay down their lives for others, so there's nothing wrong with you willingly altering your own life's plans to help raise two children who are precious in God's sight.

For me, the stickling point here is coercion versus choice. Again, she shouldn't be shaming you both into taking care of her own responsibilities, but there's nothing wrong with you willingly doing so for the betterment of the children themselves.

Like I said, those are just some thoughts. I will be praying for you.

blue_ladybug · Jun 20, 2015

If she makes a good salary, and can obviously afford to buy a good home, then she obviously can also afford a babysitter. Be straight up with her. Tell her you want your lives back, and that you ARE dedicated to the kids, BUT you cannot take care of them AND do what you want to also. Tell her she needs to accept this and find her own sitter for her kids.. Don't let her guilt you into giving up your dreams to take care of HER kids the rest of your lives. Your days of raising kids are over. Tell her that and tell her it's her turn now..

KymA · Jun 20, 2015

Thank you...prayer is what I need most of all. We have had several conversations over the last 2 years about getting back up daycare. Just in case I become ill or if I just want a weekend off to go and do. She refuses to find any back up childcare. So its every weekend I have them. When they were infants she worked nights & I would have them Wednesday through Sunday every week. I want to help her & them, but she uses them as leverage to get her way & I just don't know how to stop her from doing it that. Taking care of 2 toddlers is exhausting for a woman of almost 50.

purgedconscience · Jun 20, 2015

This might sound harsh, but couldn't you just refuse to open the door when she brings them to your house?

Ultimately, my concern is for the children themselves and their upbringing, not to discount what you're going through, but from what you're describing she is definitely using them as leverage and that's not a healthy situation. If you just refuse to let them in, then she'll have to find an alternative. That said, again, my concern is for the children, but she seems to be playing upon your consciences and hearts to get her own way.

I'm just going to pray. It's a tough situation.

KymA · Jun 20, 2015

She says that I should just take them with me when I want to go places & do things or if I don't want to take them then I should find a sitter for them. I don't think I should have to find the sitter. Not to mention her Dad & I have never charged her for babysitting or anything that the twins have ever needed. ie food, clothes etc. I don't want compensation. I was trying to help her even though this was a situation of her own making. We have always tried to impress upon both the kids since they were tots that it takes Daddys & Mommies to raise children. Its hard. Unfortunately something happened along the way & my daughter took a different path.

purgedconscience · Jun 20, 2015

KymA said:

She says? Since when did children start telling their parents what they should do? This very well may be a situation where tough love is needed. Parents ought to be instructing their children and not the other way around. I have to be careful in how I say this, especially in that we're talking about your own daughter, but she sounds manipulative and demanding. You should never be manipulated into doing something against your own will. Even God desires that we give ourselves to Him willfully, so your daughter shouldn't be coercing you into taking care of her children.

That said, I still have an inner turmoil and I might fall prey to such manipulations myself in that I have such a great love for children. In the end, I'm thinking that you simply need to stand firm in your role as your daughter's mother and not let her reverse the situation and exercise authority over you. That can never be healthy and God hasn't ordained the same.

MarcR · Jun 20, 2015

KymA said:

Hi All,
I'm Kym, Ive been married for almost 30 years. I have 2 adult children, a daughter, 28 & a son 26. I also have 2 twin 21 month old grand daughters. (They belong to my daughter.) My struggle has been going on for a while, but I really want to change the situation & I would like to try and make a change that will, in the long run benefit everyone. A little background....my daughter married 3 years ago. She was only married for a short time before she left her husband for someone else & became pregnant. She has since divorced the husband & the children's bio-dad gave up his parental rights. So my daughter is a single parent. She has a good job as a nurse and has just purchased a home. The problem is I have been her sole child care provider since their birth. My husband & I told her that we did not want to be full-time child care providers for a long term situation, but it seems to be working out that way. We tried to get her to understand that we have already raised children & their are things that we have always dreamed of doing. She says we aren't good grand parents because we want to have our own lives & not 100% dedicated to the girls. Are we wrong to want to have our lives back? I love those girls to the moon & back, but in the end I am not their Mother. I want to do what's best, but I feel like I am trapped. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Kym

Send her a bill for 1.5 times what she would pay a licensed daycare provider and remind her that involuntary servitude is illegal.

KymA · Jun 20, 2015

I don't want to sound like I am complaining, but it honestly feels so good to able to say what I think without the guilt trip. She fails to understand how her situation has affected everyone in our family. These girls are so precious & everytime I look at them my heart breaks for this situation. They are the only reason that I have not had a confrontation with their mother & she knows that. As to not opening the door, she bought a house 40 miles away from us & she brings the girls at 5am & picks them up anywhere between 8 & 9p. So I have a full day to say the least.

purgedconscience · Jun 20, 2015

Kym:

I've already addressed how I feel that your daughter is seeking to manipulate you via guilt, so I would never want to add to such guilt or employ such tactics myself. That being said, I do feel the need to address two things that you said in relation to yourself:

I think that only God can answer this question for you. In other words, we all ultimately need to come to the point in our lives as Christians where we humbly and sincerely say to the Lord, Not my will, but Your will be done. My advice to you would be to sincerely ask the Lord what His will is for you in regard to your dreams. I personally know a lot of people around your age who are raising young children, willingly, and some of them have even gone the route of adoption to raise children at this stage of their lives. We are all ultimately called to lives of self-sacrifice, but such self-sacrifice ought to be directed by the Lord Himself. In other words, the Lord may or may not want you to spend all of this time with your grandchildren. I'm simply suggesting that you ask Him for His will in this situation as opposed to possibly being coerced into doing something by your daughter that is opposed to both your will for your life and His will for your life.

I'm sure that it is, but Sarah gave birth at 90 and Moses had the oversight of approximately 3 million murmuring Israelites in the wilderness between the ages of 80 and 120. I'm simply saying that God's grace is always sufficient for us. If he calls us to do something, then He'll provide the necessary grace by which to accomplish it. I said if. Again, my suggestion is simply that you humbly ask Him what His will is in this situation. If He leads you in a different direction than your daughter is coercing you into, then stand firm in obedience unto the Lord. If, however, His will is that you sacrifice your own dreams that those two precious girls may be raised up in a loving and godly environment, then His grace will be sufficient for you.

May God grant you wisdom and strength.

atwhatcost · Jun 20, 2015

KymA said:

Hi All,
I'm Kym, Ive been married for almost 30 years. I have 2 adult children, a daughter, 28 & a son 26. I also have 2 twin 21 month old grand daughters. (They belong to my daughter.) My struggle has been going on for a while, but I really want to change the situation & I would like to try and make a change that will, in the long run benefit everyone. A little background....my daughter married 3 years ago. She was only married for a short time before she left her husband for someone else & became pregnant. She has since divorced the husband & the children's bio-dad gave up his parental rights. So my daughter is a single parent. She has a good job as a nurse and has just purchased a home. The problem is I have been her sole child care provider since their birth. My husband & I told her that we did not want to be full-time child care providers for a long term situation, but it seems to be working out that way. We tried to get her to understand that we have already raised children & their are things that we have always dreamed of doing. She says we aren't good grand parents because we want to have our own lives & not 100% dedicated to the girls. Are we wrong to want to have our lives back? I love those girls to the moon & back, but in the end I am not their Mother. I want to do what's best, but I feel like I am trapped. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Kym

Isn't it time for you and hubby to go on vacation for a couple to a few weeks? Set it up, and then tell your daughter two days before you go. It will be amazing how quickly she can find someone else to help her when she isn't bullying her parents to do it.

You are trapped. Stop it. Go on that vacation you've been wanting to go on except for the daughter anchored to your port.

Angela53510 · Jun 20, 2015

I would give her a month's notice and a bill.

Then book a trip out of town the day after the month's notice and shut off your cells phones. Be gone a couple of weeks.

You need to enforce your decision. I do not blame you in the slightest for being exhausted. I have 4 grandchildren, and taking care of a couple of them for a day taxed me to the max, although I love them dearly.

Your daughter is incredibly selfish and is using you. She needs to take responsibility for her actions of leaving her husband and not getting child payments from the biological dad. You should not have to suffer because of her bad decisions.

I can't imagine my children doing this to me. We do babysit on occasion but the working parents have full time day care, and the stay at home mom and my son, we babysit for evenings occasionally when they go out. It is fun, but like I said, tiring not just for me, but for my husband too.

atwhatcost · Jun 20, 2015

KymA said:

Since she's smart enough to become a nurse, she knows what she's doing. Would you pay for a maid to clean your house if you could guilt someone into cleaning it for you? You probably would, but only because you're mature enough to know not to use people. It's time to teach her a little about maturity too.

And, I'm not saying you didn't teach her. Mom certainly taught me not to hang around a lake until I learned how to swim, but I did anyway. The only way we got past that skirmish was when I decided it was time to learn how to swim. (I got over my fear of "what if I can't?") I understand your daughter's stubbornness, because I can be equally as stubborn.

So, yeah, time for a vacation minus grandkids.

sassylady · Jun 22, 2015

She put herself in the situation of being a single mom basically, and you are not obligated to raise her children. Nurses make good money, she needs to find herself a sitter. I'd want my life back too.

tourist · Jun 22, 2015

Your daughter is taking advantage of you. She has a good job and her own home and should be able to afford her own childcare.

blue_ladybug · Jun 22, 2015

Your daughter is sneaky, manipulative and selfish. That's how I view her from all you've said here about her.. I agree with Angela and the others who urge you to go on vacation.. and whenever she brings the kids over for you to babysit, firmly tell her that you cant watch them because you and hubby will be busy.. Give her tough love and tell her you're NOT a daycare..tell her you feel she's using you and being selfish. Maybe hearing those words will make her smarten up and be ashamed enough to seek out another babysitter.. don't put up with her baloney anymore!!!

ember · Jun 22, 2015

KymA said:

ouch...this is painful and I'm sorry that it's going on

It sounds like your daughter is self centered and immature...everything is about her and she apparently does not seem to consider another person or how how her actions will affect them

Perhaps deep down she thinks that you are the best and safest person to look after the grandchildren and she knows that you love them?

In reality, she is kind of holding you captive and using your feelings...which are genuine...for her own selfish ends.

It's not easy to refuse to take care of those you love because of the intrusion and lack of concern or gratitude on the part of the person who should know better.

I would not necessairly make a clean break and just cut off all the babysitting, but I would be firm and begin to be firm when I say no and show her that you mean it by warning her ahead of time and then keeping your word when she tries to make you break it.

The accusations are simply manipulations...seems they may have worked so far, so be prepared for her to be either angry or idignant...but it might just be a wake up call for her...she should stop using you and you should stop letting her.

I am sure you would welcome her children into your home at times but even when you love someone, no one wants to feel taken advantage of.

I pray you act before you become physically sick or possibly have an angry outburst with her.

Seems people are pretty much in agreement that you should define your realtionship in a way that allows you to have your life with no need to feel guilty.

Rosesrock · Jun 22, 2015

KymA said:

Hi All,
I'm Kym, Ive been married for almost 30 years. I have 2 adult children, a daughter, 28 & a son 26. I also have 2 twin 21 month old grand daughters. (They belong to my daughter.) My struggle has been going on for a while, but I really want to change the situation & I would like to try and make a change that will, in the long run benefit everyone. A little background....my daughter married 3 years ago. She was only married for a short time before she left her husband for someone else & became pregnant. She has since divorced the husband & the children's bio-dad gave up his parental rights. So my daughter is a single parent. She has a good job as a nurse and has just purchased a home. The problem is I have been her sole child care provider since their birth. My husband & I told her that we did not want to be full-time child care providers for a long term situation, but it seems to be working out that way. We tried to get her to understand that we have already raised children & their are things that we have always dreamed of doing. She says we aren't good grand parents because we want to have our own lives & not 100% dedicated to the girls. Are we wrong to want to have our lives back? I love those girls to the moon & back, but in the end I am not their Mother. I want to do what's best, but I feel like I am trapped. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Kym

#1 hi and welcome
#2 im married 23 years 4 kids
#3 you are NOT responsible for your childs decisions that put her where she is
#4 manipulation is abuse
#5 dont let her use your love for your grandchildren to make you feel bad
#6 you can only do what you can ..,,,,
#7 HUGS!!!!!!

Dan58 · Jun 23, 2015

KymA said:

Your mistake was volunteering in the first place. You inadvertently removed the responsibility from her and placed it upon yourself. You set a precedence that your daughter is unwilling to undo. Your an enabler who can't say no, and your daughter is in complete control. Your daughter bought a house, so she can afford to make other arrangements, but why should she when she's getting free childcare? Time to take charge Mom and lay down the rules.

KymA said:

Then explain it to her.... I think your misinterpreting her failure to understand? I suspect she understands, but just doesn't care how it effects you. Cut the apron strings and let her take charge of her own life. She's not your real problem, she's just taking advantage of a situation that you've allowed to happen. As has been suggested, take a vacation and force her to find other childcare. If you can't say "No", she'll probably have you painting her house this summer too

.

Hungry · Jun 23, 2015

Welcome Kym. I see this is quite the slippery slope. I completely understand both your and your daughter's situation. My wife is a nurse. I know that although they make a good wage, day care, especially after hour daycare is almost as much as she would be earning (take home pay). That is just the financial aspect. I don't know what kind of patients your daughter cares for but I know it can be very stressful. There is peace in knowing that your children are being loved and well taken care of in your absence. That being said, you already put in your parenting time. I think that is what gives most parents the strength during the younger years, knowing that it will pass. It is an all consuming endeavor and requires most of your time and attention. Just when you thought you could start investing some time into your interests, it again had to be put on hold. This time you have less energy and less freedom because ultimately they aren't your kids and you don't get the final say. The hours are inconvenient and you feel forced. No body likes being forced. I can imagine it puts a strain on your grandparent/grandchild relationship as well because you are now lead disciplinarian for more than half of the week. Here's my advice; let love be your guide, not your feelings. We all make mistakes and it sounds like your daughter unfortunately made some that not only effect her but you and those poor children who are growing up without a father. The stability that helps nurture them and give them security so they can focus on being kids has been compromised as well. She is a mom and she is trying to do what is best for her kids. That's getting them good care when she can't be there, even if she has to use manipulation to do it. Sometimes life doesn't offer up good and bad solutions, just bad and worse. I am sure you came seeking advice during a particularly tired moment. I am also sure there are many of those. Find strength in the Lord. The Christian life is a race. I've ran many races and can assure you they are no fun when you are in the midst of them, gasping for breath, exhausting all of your muscles, and you just want to stop. Unfortunately, somebody, just moved your finish line a little. It isn't fair and it isn't fun but it is what it is. I can guarantee, when this race is done, you will be glad you pressed on. My in-laws are awesome. My wife's dad even retired early from a very lucrative position that he enjoyed to stay home and help with the grandkids. I can assure you he has been a better role model than me and may be more responsible for our children's successes as well. While it is my job to try to steer them on this road of life, so they can one day effectively take the wheel, it has been their job to love them and support their dreams with blind encouragement. Although it may be exhausting and not your ideal situation, you are most likely the only option your grandkids have to get the security and love they need. One day we all will stand before the Almighty Judge with all the time eternity has to offer. Each of us will have to give an account with how we spent our "talents". You have the opportunity to make a very solid eternal investment, with many immediate returns. Embrace it! I will continue to pray for your peace and strength.

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