My Sister is a recent widow and out of control

[Sharah]

My sister has been widowed recently and she is behaving so out of character. she is drinking most days. she comes home after midnight and because she is out all night baby(7) can t go to school. I work and when I asked her to please be a little quiet when she comes in she told me that my sleep is not more important than hers.

she has formed a new habit, anything I say she hits back with I am anti social and i have no life and i am jealous of her.
I dont go out much, i prefer to stay home during my down time. I have a very demanding job and i use all the free time i have to rest.

I am worried because she is talking to strange men on the phone and when i picked her phone up a few months ago and the screen showed a sex chat. i have never touched her phone again,mainly because i am afraid of what i may see.

my sister married her first love and she never did any of these things before. she has only ever been with this man,never dated,never so much as kissed a boy, i explained that not all men are like her husband and that there are people out there who will use and abuse her. she responded with maybe i need a man and that i shouldnt judge her because im not perfect.

my concern is keeping me up at night and i have no one to ask for help. my family isnt aware of what she is doing and she says things to baby like "its your fathers fault that i am sitting like this".


I feel like she see's me as the enemy. I have never been married & have no kids so maybe i am just clueless about this. i do have more life experience than her as i have been working all my life. i finished school and went straight to work to look after my family. i take care of my mother and my mother is looking after her sister after she had open heart surgery so she isnt here to see what she is doing.

i know that when the family finds out they will blame me and i cant find a way to stop her. i am so afraid that she will go out and not come back home ever again. she has asked me if these men can come home and i fought her tooth and nail and put my foot down and said NO, BABY IS HERE. we are two females with a child, they could rape and kill us, they could hurt my baby and then what do we do?


there is so much more and even if there is no answer or advice, i fell less alone having just put this up. please pray for her. my dream for her is simple: work,look after her son and be happy.

she thinks i am controlling and bossy and jealous. i dont know anymore.

 

[Ugly]

Sounds as though she's going through grief. It's likely that this behavior is temporary, if she can work through her grief, but it is still destructive until then. I'd suggest try not taking it all so personally when she speaks against you. Not easy, i know. But right now her mental and emotional system is on overload and she doesn't have the capacity to think or act clearly.
Really, all you can do right now is just what you're doing, try your best to protect her and her kids and yourself. Let her know you love her and are there to listen to her any time she needs to talk. There's a good chance that when you say this you will be met with a negative reaction, but deep inside it may still help her feel at least a little better.
Just keep trying to be stable and steadfast. The more you are consistent the more help it will be to her, as she needs a sense of stability right now. Just don't expect these things to show signs of having a positive affect on her right away. It will take time.

You may also want to look up the five stages of grief and learn to spot them and how to best deal with each stage.

 

[jogoldie]

Hello my sister.....im so sorry for what your going through.....everyone handles grief differntly....ugly is so right ......
the stages of grief are very real.....sometimes they come all at once....the anger they feel helps them avoid dealing with
the real issue ....its like avoiding the pain by causing yourself any pain other then the heart.....you are her outlet...none of what
she is doing to you is how she really feels.....you see she is doing all she can to not feel....she loves you the most...you are holding
up her life while she takes the time to run in fear....the fear of feeling the loss of someone so close....her life also scares her ...
What now ...were does she turn.....I remember these feelings so well...my son passed away at 6...what I can tell you is this....
Our HEAVENLY Father ....keep praying...this is not over yet. . ..but it will be....she will get tired of running....she will get up the
nerve to deal with her loss...the thing that made me face my grief was my other child....just realizing her need for me...was my
the thing that woke me up...God had me all along...but I was mad at Him...that in itself was hard to face...try not to confront her..
God tells us take care of the widows and children....Your faith will serve you well my friend.....If l can help you with anything just pm me..
Give her time...im praying for you and your little family...peace and joy come to you ......jo

 

[Sharah]

Hy thank you.

It got worse not better she left home.
She has stopped talking to me altogether however she kets me visit baby.
She has done some fairly awful things to me. I cant be anywhere near here because she now poses a danger to me psychically.

She sent a man after me, he harrased & stalked me for months. He had pictures of my home from the inside & images of me at work.
When i confronted her, she laughed in my face. Its tough, i had to leave my home & very few people know where i currently reside as a safety prcaution.

Baby knows nothing of this & i will not tell him either. She makes me beg to see him & is downright abusive to me when i call to arrange a visit with him, i pick him up & we go to public places.
Im never alone when i get him as i do not trust her at all.

Thank you for the advise & prayer, thus one time, im sitting this one out.

Its in Gods hands now.
Thank you.

 

[Dan58]

A separation is good and probably a wise move. How does your sister support herself? Who pays the rent or owns the home? Your sister sounds like a person with no responsibilities in life and has too much free time on her hands. Protect yourself by separating yourself from her, but don't let her disrupt your life, make you paranoid, or put you on the defensive. If your the one who's working and paying the bills, perhaps kicking her out would have been a better option than leaving yourself? Its difficult to give advice without knowing your living circumstances? It sounds like she's controlling the situation by intimidation? If your sister is going out all night, paying someone to harass or follow you, has a place to live, plenty to eat, and a child to take care of, I'm wondering who's financing her flamboyant lifestyle? Loosing your husband is no excuse for acting crazy, I'd cut her loose and throw her out until her attitude changes. Your the responsible sister who's working hard, but her selfishness demonstrates a complete lack of respect. She's doing what she's being allowed to do, and someone should set her straight. jmo

 

[realchild4life]

My sister has been widowed recently and she is behaving so out of character. she is drinking most days. she comes home after midnight and because she is out all night baby(7) can t go to school. I work and when I asked her to please be a little quiet when she comes in she told me that my sleep is not more important than hers.

she has formed a new habit, anything I say she hits back with I am anti social and i have no life and i am jealous of her.
I dont go out much, i prefer to stay home during my down time. I have a very demanding job and i use all the free time i have to rest.

I am worried because she is talking to strange men on the phone and when i picked her phone up a few months ago and the screen showed a sex chat. i have never touched her phone again,mainly because i am afraid of what i may see.

my sister married her first love and she never did any of these things before. she has only ever been with this man,never dated,never so much as kissed a boy, i explained that not all men are like her husband and that there are people out there who will use and abuse her. she responded with maybe i need a man and that i shouldnt judge her because im not perfect.

my concern is keeping me up at night and i have no one to ask for help. my family isnt aware of what she is doing and she says things to baby like "its your fathers fault that i am sitting like this".


I feel like she see's me as the enemy. I have never been married & have no kids so maybe i am just clueless about this. i do have more life experience than her as i have been working all my life. i finished school and went straight to work to look after my family. i take care of my mother and my mother is looking after her sister after she had open heart surgery so she isnt here to see what she is doing.

i know that when the family finds out they will blame me and i cant find a way to stop her. i am so afraid that she will go out and not come back home ever again. she has asked me if these men can come home and i fought her tooth and nail and put my foot down and said NO, BABY IS HERE. we are two females with a child, they could rape and kill us, they could hurt my baby and then what do we do?


there is so much more and even if there is no answer or advice, i fell less alone having just put this up. please pray for her. my dream for her is simple: work,look after her son and be happy.

she thinks i am controlling and bossy and jealous. i dont know anymore.

It's resentment not anger she is dealing with, people who don't get what they want out of life will feel a deep resentment. So shes not listing to that emotion and it's become toxic (So shes become toxic) But that feeling is only there because it's warning her not to expect anything out of life.

 

[atwhatcost]

Hy thank you.

It got worse not better she left home.
She has stopped talking to me altogether however she kets me visit baby.
She has done some fairly awful things to me. I cant be anywhere near here because she now poses a danger to me psychically.

She sent a man after me, he harrased & stalked me for months. He had pictures of my home from the inside & images of me at work.
When i confronted her, she laughed in my face. Its tough, i had to leave my home & very few people know where i currently reside as a safety prcaution.

Baby knows nothing of this & i will not tell him either. She makes me beg to see him & is downright abusive to me when i call to arrange a visit with him, i pick him up & we go to public places.
Im never alone when i get him as i do not trust her at all.

Thank you for the advise & prayer, thus one time, im sitting this one out.

Its in Gods hands now.
Thank you.

Is the child in danger? If so, go through the courts to get custody of the child.

If not, stay away from her and the child. The child will come to you when he/she is of age, but whenever you go to that child, your sister snares you back into all this drama. Protect the child in either case.

 

[Sharah]

Hy.

She isnt hurting baby as far as i know & he talks to me, so if he is troubled he would tell me, i hope.

She got paid out after he passed away & the money is what she is using. She also has a small company he started & she gets money from there.

She isnt a bad person just really naive & silly about life, she gave 2 guys money that i am aware of, i found out after the thing happened.

She used to live with me but she moved out & refused to tell me where she stayed as" i dont want you knocking on my door "
I found out after this guy started harassing me.
Up to this point she has not shown any remorse for her actions even going so far as to say i deserved it for being such a %##<>€€^#}.

I have spoken to my friend, a local pastor & he helps me keep tabs on baby as he runs a local taxi service & he was the person i called the night this happened & i left my home.

So far God has placed complete strangers in my life & its been months now & these people protect me & care for me.

Its a little more complicated ( imagine that

 

[Sharah]

Hy.

She isnt hurting baby as far as i know & he talks to me, so if he is troubled he would tell me, i hope.

She got paid out after he passed away & the money is what she is using. She also has a small company he started & she gets money from there.

She isnt a bad person just really naive & silly about life, she gave 2 guys money that i am aware of, i found out after the thing happened.

She used to live with me but she moved out & refused to tell me where she stayed as" i dont want you knocking on my door "
I found out after this guy started harassing me.
Up to this point she has not shown any remorse for her actions even going so far as to say i deserved it for being such a %##<>€€^#}.

I have spoken to my friend, a local pastor & he helps me keep tabs on baby as he runs a local taxi service & he was the person i called the night this happened & i left my home.

So far God has placed complete strangers in my life & its been months now & these people protect me & care for me.

Its a little more complicated ( imagine that

 

[Magenta]

Your sister is in a downward spiral of addiction that will not end until she 1.) admits she has a problem and asks for help or 2.) ends up either institutionalized or dead. She shows signs of extreme narcissism, self-centeredness, and selfishness that are typical behaviors for addicts (clearly displayed by putting her needs ahead of yours while blaming you for asserting your needs, such as sleep, and making out like there is something wrong with you because you choose to live your life sanely while she goes insane). I am sorry she has pulled you into the vortex of her drama. She needs an intervention, or to hit bottom... whichever comes first, will not be soon enough to spare her the agony she will endure to recover her self respect and dignity when she finally comes to her senses, if she does. There is plenty of help available for her should she ever be willing to reach out for it. It is unfortunate there is a child involved. He will be scarred by how skewed she has become, and her callous disregard of others.

 

[Sharah]

I pray that you are wrong about the last part.

 

[Magenta]

I am sorry if that came off as being overly harsh... but I have lived with addiction myself and been in recovery for it for over twenty years. Children, as resilient as they are, are terribly impressionable, and his mother's behavior will almost certainly negatively impact him one way or another. Many addicts eventually have their children taken away from them, and that is sometimes enough of a consequence to give them the incentive to clean up their act. Your sister sounds like a candidate for that. I have known too many who have died. Either way, I hope you are looking after yourself. Have you gone to any twelve step meetings, such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) to help you deal with your involvement in this? I would also suggest some AA or even NA, to get some perspective from the other side. Where I live, there are multiple meetings every single day, at different times of day, all over town. You could easily look up meetings in your area online, and get some real time face to face support. Many people are unaware of the fact that the 12 step program was developed to help people establish and maintain a relationship with God. I say that just so you know that if you do go to such meetings, especially well attended meetings such as AA would be most probably be, you will more than likely meet people of strong faith who would be more than willing to help you and become part of your support network. Recovered alcoholics and addicts continue to go to meetings not just to maintain their own sobriety, but to make themselves available for those that come in looking for help.

 

[jillwings]

I recommend you study up on what codependence is. You can read websites or books about what codependence is or watch videos about it. Then study about healthy boundaries. You need to learn what you own and what you don't. Things you have said indicate to me that you feel some responsibility for things that are entirely your sisters problem and you need to lay the things that don't belong in your lap back at the feet of Jesus. Some counseling or therapy would be great help in this. So would reading books about boundaries. Your sisters problems cannot be solved by anyone but her and Jesus. As an auntie myself I love my niece so very dearly, my heart goes out to you for the pain this has caused you to try to see your nephew. There are bonds we form as family and it causes very real pain when things like this happen. Pray for baby, pray for him earnestly. Pray for sister too. But sometimes you have to 'step back' from the mess you did not make, and you do not own.

 

[Sharah]

Thank you very much for all your help.

I will consider & really think about the advice given here.

 

[atwhatcost]

Hy.

She isnt hurting baby as far as i know & he talks to me, so if he is troubled he would tell me, i hope.

She got paid out after he passed away & the money is what she is using. She also has a small company he started & she gets money from there.

She isnt a bad person just really naive & silly about life, she gave 2 guys money that i am aware of, i found out after the thing happened.

She used to live with me but she moved out & refused to tell me where she stayed as" i dont want you knocking on my door "
I found out after this guy started harassing me.
Up to this point she has not shown any remorse for her actions even going so far as to say i deserved it for being such a %##<>€€^#}.

I have spoken to my friend, a local pastor & he helps me keep tabs on baby as he runs a local taxi service & he was the person i called the night this happened & i left my home.

So far God has placed complete strangers in my life & its been months now & these people protect me & care for me.

Its a little more complicated ( imagine that

Good people don't send men after other people. Any other people. And yet, she sends some guy after you? Get over thinking she's "good, but naive."

And again, since your nephew is safe, stay away from him and sister. Since your pastor knows the boy, have the pastor give him a note, letting him know you aren't deserting him, but protecting yourself for now. When he is old enough to make his way back to you, feel free to tell him the truth. By then, he's old enough to deal with this reality and should be aware of what's going on.

Kids aren't as dumb as adults believe they are. My husband knew something about his mother's story regarding his Dad was fishy, so he found his father's brother and learned the other side of the story. (His father died, before he found his uncle.) Likewise, his daughter came to him to find out why her mother's story was fishy.

So, as long as nephew is safe where he is, stop putting yourself in danger. Ten years is a much shorter amount of time then you think.

 

[atwhatcost]

I am sorry if that came off as being overly harsh... but I have lived with addiction myself and been in recovery for it for over twenty years. Children, as resilient as they are, are terribly impressionable, and his mother's behavior will almost certainly negatively impact him one way or another. Many addicts eventually have their children taken away from them, and that is sometimes enough of a consequence to give them the incentive to clean up their act. Your sister sounds like a candidate for that. I have known too many who have died. Either way, I hope you are looking after yourself. Have you gone to any twelve step meetings, such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) to help you deal with your involvement in this? I would also suggest some AA or even NA, to get some perspective from the other side. Where I live, there are multiple meetings every single day, at different times of day, all over town. You could easily look up meetings in your area online, and get some real time face to face support. Many people are unaware of the fact that the 12 step program was developed to help people establish and maintain a relationship with God. I say that just so you know that if you do go to such meetings, especially well attended meetings such as AA would be most probably be, you will more than likely meet people of strong faith who would be more than willing to help you and become part of your support network. Recovered alcoholics and addicts continue to go to meetings not just to maintain their own sobriety, but to make themselves available for those that come in looking for help.

The 12 step program may have started out having something to do with God. Now it's merely "something to do with any higher power." Many who go merely replace their addiction with an addiction to 12 Steps. True, a healthier addiction, but still not closer to God.

 

[Sharah]

Good people don't send men after other people. Any other people. And yet, she sends some guy after you? Get over thinking she's "good, but naive."

And again, since your nephew is safe, stay away from him and sister. Since your pastor knows the boy, have the pastor give him a note, letting him know you aren't deserting him, but protecting yourself for now. When he is old enough to make his way back to you, feel free to tell him the truth. By then, he's old enough to deal with this reality and should be aware of what's going on.

Kids aren't as dumb as adults believe they are. My husband knew something about his mother's story regarding his Dad was fishy, so he found his father's brother and learned the other side of the story. (His father died, before he found his uncle.) Likewise, his daughter came to him to find out why her mother's story was fishy.

So, as long as nephew is safe where he is, stop putting yourself in danger. Ten years is a much shorter amount of time then you think.

you have valid points but staying away from baby when he has no stability is hard. I know what she does & i know the kind of person she is.

I will try, no promises. I will try, please pray for us all. But most of all baby.

 

[Mitspa]

you have valid points but staying away from baby when he has no stability is hard. I know what she does & i know the kind of person she is.

I will try, no promises. I will try, please pray for us all. But most of all baby.

So are things any better now?

 

[Mitspa]

Oh didn't see your other post.

 

[Sharah]

Oh didn't see your other post.

They are thank you.