It really is a sad thing when couples just can't get their act together. Maybe it's not meant to be that way. Maybe living love in paradise is just something you see in movies and read about in books. One strong disagreement well over a week ago took an ENTIRE week to settle down. Things were back to normal after he had his quiet/man cave time. But somethings just not right, and its with me. I don't know if I call it insecurity, or if its just feeling not back 100% or what it is. It seems that we have a fantastic day, night, weekend, and then I say one thing that he replies with a short, one-word response of "whatever" that sends my heart over the edge. Maybe I just love too much? I just never give my husband one-word snappy answers like "whatever" ..... this from a man who walks the talk of "don't have an attitude with people", "treat others with respect", have a happy attitude ... blah blah blah .... It seems lately that if I ever express one thought of mine that he is not in agreement with, I get that short, snappy answer that makes me wanna spin my head around on my shoulders 15 times! Of course, I don't .... I just move on and go silently about my business. Why can't a man just say something like "babe, I don't understand why you say that, or what do you mean by that, or somethingggggggggg other than WHATEVER!!?? Is that just not rude and disrespectful???? Sorry for the vent.
We Just Can't Get it Together - WHATEVER
- Thread starter Cindy12
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I believe in the deepest of my heart that is a true statement. It's not even just my opinion ... its just me I think. He can be sensitive to my feelings at times, but when the mood strikes, his insensitivity sets in ... and its hard. Because my feelings don't go back and forth like that so its hard to rebound quickly when he spits out nastiness. God sure has been counting my tears lately and I've probably prayed so much for normalcy that its getting old. Why does it have to be that after 23 years, you try to say one thing and it just has to make you feel like your right back at day one. Thank you so much for your prayers, I need all I can get right now.
B
WHAT are you doing here? I have a very clear recollection of you repeatedly affirming you were going to pursue God and give your marriage/husband problems over to HIM (do I NEED to go searching for the proof?). What is wrong? DId your 15 minute prayer session not right all the perceived wrongs in your house or ordered the world to your liking? Woman, either you are going to become a DOER of the word, which you will discover by study, or you can continue to be a WANTER of the word! Your action or inaction isn't going to nullify the word of God, however, complaining and gripping about your spouse here is feeding your carnal nature and while your husband doesn't know what you are doing ....GOD DOES!
You know what is even sadder? What is sadder is that my 19 year old the other night said to me, "mom, STOP being afraid to tell him what you think ... you shouldn't have to tiptoe around him like you do" ...... dad acts like he gets to make all the decisions in this house and you don't get to make any. Now thats sad.
WHAT are you on about??? I can't come here? and yes, my prayer session DID work and YES there is another issue. Such is life .... sorry that you have a problem with that. Are you saying that I am to bow down and let this man walk all over me? Praying is certainly something I do, but I also have to live with him in the now. At least I am not griping to HIM about it! People here have helped me, I am sorry if that does not work well with you.
Did it ever occur to you that the moodiness your husband is exhibiting might be depression?
My husband did this to me for a few years, and when he finally got on antidepressants, the whole relationship changed. Trouble is, most men won't see a doctor and are so out of touch with their feelings, they don't realize it is depression. Our family doctor could see it in my husband, and told me so. But he refused medication, till his back was against the wall.
Please see if your husband needs a diagnosis and medication. Sometimes it is not about us, but the mental state of our spouse.
My husband did this to me for a few years, and when he finally got on antidepressants, the whole relationship changed. Trouble is, most men won't see a doctor and are so out of touch with their feelings, they don't realize it is depression. Our family doctor could see it in my husband, and told me so. But he refused medication, till his back was against the wall.
Please see if your husband needs a diagnosis and medication. Sometimes it is not about us, but the mental state of our spouse.
You could be so very right!!! About 10 years ago, he was going through a tough time and extremely arrogant and he even told me that he didn't know what was wrong with him. He went to the doctor and sure enough they said he was suffering with some depression (job stuff, financial, etc) and he did get on medication for 8 months. He felt SO much better and he was a much happier person! You could be so spot on here!! After 8 months, he said he felt that he should come off of them because he had a huge raise, job promotion, just feeling a lot better about life. So he has not been on anything since that time.
The question is, how do I go about bringing that up? lol ... I might really get an attitude if I suggest having the doc check him out. But I guess its worth a try!
The question is, how do I go about bringing that up? lol ... I might really get an attitude if I suggest having the doc check him out. But I guess its worth a try!
B
So what your saying here is it is GOOD to go behind your husband's back and complain about how you feel his behavior is disrespectful to YOU and that your daughter ALSO agrees... but both of you are dismissing the commands of scripture.
(1)Wives respect their husband, as he is the head as Christ is over the church.
(2) Children honor your FATHER and mother... <notice father comes first>
It is not respectful of your husband to "uncover" your private home interactions, and definitely not in the demeaning judgey "look how bad he is" way you are going about it.
In NO WAY can it be construed that your daughter has an attitude of honor toward her father, which didn't just spring up since yesterday. Further, in entertaining her dishonoring attitude and not shutting her down, YOU are the one sowing factions and disharmony into you home.... Do you want to eat the fruit of that in the future?
I strongly urge you to re-think your priorities and move toward aligning yourself with scriptural principals that bring blessings instead of curses.
(1)Wives respect their husband, as he is the head as Christ is over the church.
(2) Children honor your FATHER and mother... <notice father comes first>
It is not respectful of your husband to "uncover" your private home interactions, and definitely not in the demeaning judgey "look how bad he is" way you are going about it.
In NO WAY can it be construed that your daughter has an attitude of honor toward her father, which didn't just spring up since yesterday. Further, in entertaining her dishonoring attitude and not shutting her down, YOU are the one sowing factions and disharmony into you home.... Do you want to eat the fruit of that in the future?
I strongly urge you to re-think your priorities and move toward aligning yourself with scriptural principals that bring blessings instead of curses.
It's my youngest son, not my daughter. My oldest 2 sons moved out years ago because of his attitude. They said they didn't have to deal with him once they went off to college and never came back. He built that bridge with them, not me. Its not what I say, it was what they witnessed and lived with. They got the same lousy attitude. Because I did respect him (as the bible states), I stuck around and tried my best to bow down and be the good wife. Until you walk in my shoes, don't judge me please. I have not sowed any disharmony between him and his children. He has done this on his own. They only want me to stand up to him when he is is nasty. God does NOT want me to be run over like a car and trampled on .... no matter what you might think.
I think that she just wants peace in her marriage. This site can be very much like a counseling session. I don't see how writing posts on this site is going behind her husband's back. This is a Christian site, and hopefully a place for a certain amount of peace and healing.
Despite this, you have a right to post your point of view as well. I am sure it is well intentioned but I feel it is not very helpful to this hurting member of CC.
God Bless You.
Despite this, you have a right to post your point of view as well. I am sure it is well intentioned but I feel it is not very helpful to this hurting member of CC.
God Bless You.
B
Nope never suggested you get run over. I am entirely addressing YOUR attitude, not your husband's behavior. NO Matter HOW BAD any husband is, there is a respectful way a wife can seek the counsel of others. YOUR posts <pointing up there> are full of your "offendedness", that is entirely the wrong attitude... be quick to forgive, seek forgiveness yourself, and cleanse your own attitude, pursue Christ without murmmering and let GOD work in your marriage. This will bring peace to your home.
With all due respect .... I have been quite forgiving over the past 23 years of this attitude. If i am being offensive, its here, not in front of my husband, so he is not getting any of that attitude from me. I was trying to share my feelings here since I cannot share my feelings with him without being shot down. I don't think you get it. I am sorry if I have an attitude. It's hard to not have an attitude when you pray for 23 years and you still have the same issues with the same man over and over and over. I do see God working, but with this man continuing on his stormy path, it sure is a bumpy ride. Forgive me but I need someone else to talk to and this is why I am here. Don't think I have not talked to God, that is a continual daily talk .... but its evident I still need friends to talk to.
B
Tourist,
this is a PUBLIC FORUM, where al sorts of people view these threads. The only thread that is private is the women's group which Cindy could and maybe should post in the future, however she won't get any men's responses. Christian walk is not about "me in my moment ONLY", and these words will linger long after the problem is resolved and forgotten by the OP. Conduct and practice is to be judged and filtered thru the light of scripture...this is what I have made an effort to show her. Perhaps not a softly as you or even she might prefer... but it was a very few days ago she affirmed how she was going pursue the Lord and let him work in her marriage.
this is a PUBLIC FORUM, where al sorts of people view these threads. The only thread that is private is the women's group which Cindy could and maybe should post in the future, however she won't get any men's responses. Christian walk is not about "me in my moment ONLY", and these words will linger long after the problem is resolved and forgotten by the OP. Conduct and practice is to be judged and filtered thru the light of scripture...this is what I have made an effort to show her. Perhaps not a softly as you or even she might prefer... but it was a very few days ago she affirmed how she was going pursue the Lord and let him work in her marriage.
B
I get IT a lot more than you will ever know. The issue isn't LORD change my husband...<I have been praying 23 years, when do you plan on doing it God?>... the issue Cindy is... "LORD CHANGE ME!". You have been praying amiss for 23 years. I am trying to help you here... you can decide to take hold of the power of God, Bow down to GOD and ask him to change YOU.
Funny, my prayer HAS BEEN Lord change Me!!! And he has changed me -- so much more than you know because you really don't know me at all. I've been on my hands and knees for 23 years asking GOD to change MEEEEE .... and he certainly has. But that has not changed the circumstances of my marriage and it won't stop human beings from having life problems. We're all here (including you) for a reason.
What about this situation makes you so fearful? You've been married for 23 years so you should have learned how to communicate with each other. But it sounds like your husband isn't much of a talker, especially about his feelings and other internal workings. What are you trying to talk about when you get a response of "whatever"? That answer could mean: I don't want to talk about it or I truly have no opinion on the matter or I think that there is no response I can give that will satisfy you or solve the problem. While it's probably difficult, the best thing you can do now is just be patient. In the past week he's had to deal with the fact that a woman he met overseas and was trying to minister to either got the wrong idea or latched on to him with less than honorable intent; he's cut her and her children off completely to please his wife (and while it sounds like he should have done that, if he's as decent and honorable a guy as you were saying he was in the previous thread then he's probably having a hard time thinking about those children and their needs that aren't being met), his wife still seems upset about it but he doesn't know what more he can do to prove his loyalty to her and he's getting a bit frustrated by his own incompetence to reassure her. (I won't swear that I've got that right as you know him better than I do, but I've known enough guys to guess that this is close to how he sees the situation).
It might take a few weeks for things to get back to normal and him to process all of this (stress makes me extra short with people too), but if this is an isolated incident (again don't know your 23 year marital history) then I think you may be giving into unnecessary fear and worry that is only making the situation worse. But since I'm female and know that sometimes even when you know the fear and insecurity that's plaguing you is irrational it can still be tough to get past it, I will let you in on my old standby for those conversations that are too difficult to have in person: have this conversation through letters. And when you write him, don't accuse him of anything, just tell him the fears you are dealing with because of this situation, if you know they're unreasonable tell him that too, and tell him specifically what would help you feel reassured and get your emotional world back in balance. And if he even attempts to do it, you should believe that he's committed to your marriage and working through this, even if you guys still have a tough couple of weeks to walk through.
Ok that's the best advice the single girl who thinks like a guy (or at least that's what my dad says) has to offer.
It might take a few weeks for things to get back to normal and him to process all of this (stress makes me extra short with people too), but if this is an isolated incident (again don't know your 23 year marital history) then I think you may be giving into unnecessary fear and worry that is only making the situation worse. But since I'm female and know that sometimes even when you know the fear and insecurity that's plaguing you is irrational it can still be tough to get past it, I will let you in on my old standby for those conversations that are too difficult to have in person: have this conversation through letters. And when you write him, don't accuse him of anything, just tell him the fears you are dealing with because of this situation, if you know they're unreasonable tell him that too, and tell him specifically what would help you feel reassured and get your emotional world back in balance. And if he even attempts to do it, you should believe that he's committed to your marriage and working through this, even if you guys still have a tough couple of weeks to walk through.
Ok that's the best advice the single girl who thinks like a guy (or at least that's what my dad says) has to offer.
B
Oh, See the first time you wrote that, I concluded that you were making a joke or being rhetorical as it was in a BIBLE STUDY thread and Christians who know their bible DO KNOW there is no actual FRUIT named. Lemons are however highly valued for their culinary and medicinal uses including preserving, cleansing and purifying... really amazing fruit really. You might not know that, I seem to recall you mentioned you don't cook. Now that you have brought up the question AGAIN, I must now conclude that my first assessment of your commentary was in error and it is indeed an intentionally snarly comment born from the your own embittered spirit.