Huge test from God?

Julie93 · Aug 12, 2015

Hello everyone,

I am new to your forum but would appreciate your thoughts. I am a Christian, born and raised from birth to trust in The Lord. In my 20s, I met a man at church and we've been married for nearly 20 years. We were always blessed in many ways. We regularly attended church, had good jobs, had 2 healthy beautiful children, and I had been able to be a stay at home mom for a while even while we started building our "dream" home. Then things started to change and for the past several years things have turned upside down in our lives. In 7 years, I've lost a baby to miscarriage, lost my father to heart attack, lost my sister to cancer, my husbands business failed which caused me to go back to work at a job which takes up all my time so I'm no longer very good at keeping the house clean or taking care of the kids, we lost our house that we had built (because of the business) and recently I was fired from my job for no other reason than the boss wanted to make room for a friend of his. As a result we are in financial ruin. On top of this medical issues have been popping up, I'm assuming due to the enormous stress we've endured and now our marriage is nothing more than us being roommates and taking care of the kids. Trying to keep my faith has been next to impossible. I've heard of people going through rough times but it seems like everything is negative at every angle. The only positive thing is the kids...they have kept me sane. I am curious what this forum thinks...is this a test from The Lord? What is going on? Please any advice would be appreciated.

atwhatcost · Aug 13, 2015

Julie93 said:

Hubby lost his job with the federal government, got into computer networking but chose the In networking program at the time -- Novell -- before finding out Microsoft won the market, and then lost many jobs because computer networking need additional workers (300,000) just to fix the Y2K problem, leaving the market saturated after the turn of the century, I became disabled from gall bladder surgery (like even? You know? Who does that?), then hubby took jobs constantly where the businesses kept going out of business (because that was what was happening in computer networking all over the world), finally lost his last job, was so tired he didn't even have the energy to walk down stairs once more look for another job, then a blob covered the center sight in one eye, found the cause was high blood pressure, (a blood vessel popped. Had it popped anywhere else in his head, he would have had a stroke), while the doctor saw him for the high blood pressure she also did some blood work, which came back saying he had Hepatitis C, (the reason he was that tired. Had he not found out, it would have killed his liver. He was so happy he laughed and thanked her. She said, "It's Hepatitis C. This isn't good. You have to go through chemotherapy and it will probably be awful." He answered, "Yes, I know, but I thought I was dying, so this is good."), he had to go for 24 weeks of chemo, by then we ran out of all of our savings and spent all the retirement savings, (which also dropped in half at the turn of the century), and then we had to live on my Disability check -- $839 a month -- with a mortgage of $550, came within three weeks of living in our car, but I found some federal programs to take over our mortgage until the dust settled and for the only time in our lives we were on Welfare, (which paid the $3500 a month for that chemo), but he was too sick to see doctors often while on treatment and doctors assume everyone with Hep C are either intravenous drug users or homosexuals, so his doctor never looked at him to notice hubby was losing his balance, developing ticks, and losing feeling in his feet and legs up to his knee, which is called "diabetic neuropathy," so by the time he was cured of the Hep C, it caused Turret's, and CFS, and he has never regained the feeling in the front of his feet so he has really crappy balance, the disability doctor out-and-out lied to Social Security, so they didn't think anything was wrong with him until after treatment, (and still didn't think anything was wrong with him, until he stumbled into the hearing after he was denied), now we're both disabled, and paying off two mortgages, but, hey all this and, no. It's not a test. It's a lesson. Same lesson God gives to his kids every day in a variety of ways. "Trust God."

Amazing thing about me. I usually don't get the lesson plan until I run out of every other choice available. Amazing thing about God. He's always trustworthy. Obviously, he doesn't always take us back up to comfortable living again, (he did before for us), but he does take care of us in such ways that there is no choice but to get the lesson plan.

Julie93 · Aug 13, 2015

Thank you, Lynn. You sound like you have gone through some pretty rough times too. I actually cried when I read your name....Lynn....same name as my sister who passed away this past December. She was my best friend and mentor as she was older than me and had already been through it all. I can handle losing a job, or having a death in the family, or experience marital problems, or deal with personal illness....but having everything hit at the same time has been so difficult I have just about lost my faith. But thank you for your encouragement.....I'll try to figure out what the lesson plan is.

psychomom · Aug 13, 2015

Julie93 said:

hi, Julie and welcome to the site.

i'm so sorry to hear of all this... we've been through many similar things.

remember school where first they teach you what you're supposed to know and then they give the test?

i have found with God is comes in the opposite manner... first the test, and then He teaches us what He wants us to learn.

what i try to remember is that He loves His children and is always working for our good.
no matter how things appear, God is faithful and never leaves us.
the trials and difficulties we go through are absolutely for good.... He doesn't intend evil for us even when He chastises us, and i don't mean to imply that's what is happening to you.

if you seek Him... ask Him what He wants you to learn.
for me it's usually the big question--- do you trust Me?

keep thanking Him for your wonderful children, and everything else you can think of.
remember His promises... stay in the Word... He won't let you down.

and i am praying for you.

blue_ladybug · Aug 13, 2015

Julie93 said:

Read the threads in my signature, especially the one on lessons learned through pain. You will learn what the "lesson plan" is, during your hard times. Welcome to CC.

oldthennew · Aug 13, 2015

HEBREWS 12:1-2-3.

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside
every weight, and the sin which does so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race
that is set before us,

Looking unto Jesus The Author and Finisher of our Faith, Who for the joy that was set before Him,
endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the Throne of God.

For consider Him that endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, lest you be wearied
and faint in your minds........

12-13-14-15.

Wherefore, lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way;
but let it rather be healed.

Follow peace with all men, and Holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:

Looking diligently, lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up
trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.

Julie93 · Aug 13, 2015

Thank you for the responses everyone. I am trying to get back to where I need to be with The Lord. But to be honest I'm so angry with him right now for taking everything away....that's why I stumbled on this sight. I prayed til I was blue in the face over everything as each one happened....when I lost the baby....when we started experiencing financial woes....and especially when my sister battled her cancer. Her death is probably the thing I am most bitter about. She was such a happy, faithful Christian. She attended worship every Sunday with her husband and son. She had the most beautiful singing voice and sang in the choir plus sang solos which could melt your heart. She was also an athlete who ran 5K marathons and other such contests all the time. She found out she had cancer just a month or two after my family had moved two hours away so I could accept a better paying job. So I was not able to be there for her or my mom. She fought bravely and with the best attitude possible....never blaming God and always faithful. After a year she was told she was in remission, and we all celebrated her birthday like it was 1999. Just a few short months after that her pain returned, and she was told the cancer had returned with a vengeance, and that there was nothing more the doctors could do. They sent her home and within 2 weeks she was gone. I begged God to take me not her since I've always been the more troubled less popular less liked child. She'd always been the life of the party, the one always with a funny story to tell or be your best friend just by listening. She never met a stranger. I questioned why God would take one of his best soldiers and most faithful servant. I prayed til I physically made myself sick or fell asleep mentally exhausted that The Lord would heal her....she did not want to die and I witnessed a weak moment where in the last days before her death she rose up out of her death bed yelling and screaming that she didn't believe this was happening...she didn't want to leave us....she grabbed her son and yelled no I can't leave you over and over as my mom, myself and her husband sobbed. Out of all the things I have endured over the past few years this has been the absolute hardest and the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak. I haven't prayed since she died. I refuse. I keep thinking over and over that God will do what he wants why should I pray. I know it is not right for me to be so bitter. The other day I had it out with The Lord. Everyone was gone so I had the house to myself. In this rent house we have to stay in, the dishwasher, the oven and the air conditioner went out all within weeks of each other. I was trying to clean dishes and broke something and I just lost it. I started screaming and cursing at God why does everything have to be so bad right now. What had I done to deserve having everything taken away? Was he enjoying watching me struggle? Just let me die already (since all this has occurred I have started having serious medical issues ). If this is a "test" I have failed miserably. I know the story of Job but to read it doesn't help. Anyway since my "blow up" i have been searching the internet for what to do when you are very bitter and angry with God. I found this sight. I hope somehow I can get to a better place spiritually. I appreciate you reading this. Thanks for letting me vent.

Jenizona · Aug 13, 2015

Julie93 said:

Hi, Julie! Not a test from God. Just life. Hang in there! This could easily turn into a "how sad my life is" contest, but baloney! One of the biggest pitfalls people have is feeling sorry for themselves (myself included!). Once we start down that road, we tend to ruminate over all the bad stuff again and again and again. Break that cycle! You have not been given a spirit of fear, but you have a spirit of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND. Now is a chance for you to lead, so get in the driver's seat and be awesome!

And when you say, "Trying to keep my faith has been next to impossible," I wonder if you just mean that you're having a hard time being all sunshine and rainbows. Don't worry, God doesn't expect that from you! Read the Psalms and you can't go more than a page or two without seeing a soul crying out for relief, God totally gets this. Cry if you need to, then get back out there and be awesome!

It's not a test, it's just life. You can do it, and He can help you. Get in the Word, go to church, find encouragement! YOU CAN DO THIS! Consider yourself encouraged.

blue_ladybug · Aug 13, 2015

To the OP, please use paragraphs to break up your posts.

It is difficult for some of us to read a wall of text like post #7..

Julie93 · Aug 13, 2015

Sorry Lady Blue

blue_ladybug · Aug 13, 2015

Julie93 said:

No problem..

Joidevivre · Aug 13, 2015

So when you see fearful things arise – when you see evil raise its head – LOOK FOR THE GRACE. It is there – speaking in some way.

atwhatcost · Aug 14, 2015

Julie93 said:

Thank you, Lynn. You sound like you have gone through some pretty rough times too. I actually cried when I read your name....Lynn....same name as my sister who passed away this past December. She was my best friend and mentor as she was older than me and had already been through it all. I can handle losing a job, or having a death in the family, or experience marital problems, or deal with personal illness....but having everything hit at the same time has been so difficult I have just about lost my faith. But thank you for your encouragement.....I'll try to figure out what the lesson plan is.

Always the same lesson -- Trust God.

atwhatcost · Aug 14, 2015

Julie93 said:

I was angry when God made me disabled. How dare he? It took about a year to get over it.

A few months later is when hubby lost his job. A year after that, he got the Hep C. I assumed God would heal him, because it couldn't possibly be God expected the two of us to both be unable to work. Someone had to make an income and it wasn't going to be me. A week after treatment, he was told he was in remission. (At that time, they wouldn't call it "cured." A month later a news report said that people with his type of Hep C (2B) could actually be cured. They usually were.) Somewhere in his treatment the car died a city-block from our house. (A city-block is an eight of a mile in our city.) Since there was no money, we had no usable car. I did all the grocery shopping by walking or taking the bus, and hubby felt terribly guilty because he can fix anything, but couldn't.

So a week after treatment we both walked over to the car. He stumbled. He had trouble feeling the sidewalk below him. By the time we got to the car his shirt was soaked. (It was early spring, so not hot enough to sweat.) He also had to take 20 minutes before he could muster the energy to walk home. He didn't even have any energy to see what could be wrong. I told him not to worry about it, when he gets better...

A month later, I stopped saying that. I told him. He sighed in relief and told me he wasn't getting better. I was flabbergasted. Not angry with him. Confused about God. How could he? Within a week I was beyond furious. There is no word in the English language that covers my level of furious. If I was in charge of destroying Sodom and Gomorrah, I would have utterly destroyed the whole earth kind of angry. One thing I couldn't do, but wanted to do -- deny God. (Just can't. Too obvious he is.)

Years later, (well, okay. I'm not as quick as you to come back to my senses. lol), I decided something had to happen. I can't deny God. I didn't like him either. I have no idea how I heard of it or found it, but within a week the book I bought came in -- When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steve Estes. Joni was a 17 year old girl full of the love of God when she dove into some water, and floated back up a quadriplegic. She asked the same question you asked, "Why me?" She and her friend Steve took six months to study the Bible to find out the answer. That book is her telling other people in great pain the same answer.

In the foreword, it tells the reader not to read it when angry with God. I dismissed that. I couldn't get unangry, so what was the worse thing that could happen if I read it?

You're there. Read that book. It answers all your question and it's not the easy-Christianese answer. It's not, "God couldn't help it." (What a crock!) So read that book. It was my game changer. It's your way home.

psychomom · Aug 14, 2015

Julie93 said:

(apologies to those who've heard this before)

my sister, also my sister in Christ and best friend since high school, experienced a similar tragedy.
when she was 41 her husband died of bone cancer after a protracted illness.
they had four daughters and a son. their little boy had mental impairments... a sort of autism.
my brother in law died in January, and not quite two years later on December 17th my sister was upstairs changing bedsheets at 4:30 in the afternoon. her three youngest kiddos were in the living room watching Veggie Tales.

Logan, my nephew, decided he needed to go outdoors, and no one noticed an 8 yo boy slip out the door.
except my sister, who came down about 5 minutes later.
he hadn't gotten dressed for the cold Pennsylvania winter, and it was cold... temps in the single digits and wind chills well below zero.

they looked and called for him for 10 minutes and then called the police.
he was missing for four days. people from all over the nation came to look for him.
a call center was set up, people brought food and made coffee for the searchers.
during the busiest week of the year, folks gave their time to look for our Logan.
i remember standing at a window with my sister hugging one another and her saying,
i can't go to bed one more day not knowing where he is... is he in the hands of a predator?
we just wept. i'm sure you can imagine, as you're a mom, too.

the afternoon of the 22nd, i was playing with my 4 yo niece trying to keep her occupied and happy when the police came to say Logan had been found. he was miles away from the house, and had died of exposure the first night he was gone.
he was alone, which was an answer to prayer in some ways... but he was alone.

why did it happen? only God knows. my sister's response?

she's a very private person. she hates funerals and had just a very small one when her husband died for his sister's sake.
but so many people had helped when Logan was missing she knew she had to share this private moment of grief.
the service was held at the local high school auditorium and it was SRO with people standing outdoors in the cold listening to the service on loudspeakers because they couldn't fit inside.
her pastor came to the house to ask her what she wanted for Logan's service and she just wanted the Gospel preached.

she said, Kenton, this can't be about Logan. preach the Gospel. this might be the only time some of these people hear the Good News of Jesus Christ.

there is grace in tragedy, if we look we see it. because God's grace is always present in the lives of His dear children.
that grace allowed my sister to look outside of self to others.
it allowed her to share her grief and pain, a thing she normally could not do.
if left to herself, there would have been no service at all.... she certainly didn't want it.
but over 300 people heard the Gospel that night.

never believe God is not good. never believe He is not faithful.
though we may not understand, though we may be gripped with pain and fear and gutted with sadness,
He is with us. He is for us. He is working His purposes in us and through us.

He loves you. He wants you to trust in that.

Julie93 · Aug 14, 2015

Thank you everyone. Lynn....after you read this book you mentioned...it truly helped you to not be angry with The Lord anymore?

Marit · Aug 14, 2015

Julie93 said:

Thank you for the responses everyone. I am trying to get back to where I need to be with The Lord. But to be honest I'm so angry with him right now for taking everything away....that's why I stumbled on this sight. I prayed til I was blue in the face over everything as each one happened....when I lost the baby....when we started experiencing financial woes....and especially when my sister battled her cancer. Her death is probably the thing I am most bitter about. She was such a happy, faithful Christian. She attended worship every Sunday with her husband and son. She had the most beautiful singing voice and sang in the choir plus sang solos which could melt your heart. She was also an athlete who ran 5K marathons and other such contests all the time. She found out she had cancer just a month or two after my family had moved two hours away so I could accept a better paying job. So I was not able to be there for her or my mom. She fought bravely and with the best attitude possible....never blaming God and always faithful. After a year she was told she was in remission, and we all celebrated her birthday like it was 1999. Just a few short months after that her pain returned, and she was told the cancer had returned with a vengeance, and that there was nothing more the doctors could do. They sent her home and within 2 weeks she was gone. I begged God to take me not her since I've always been the more troubled less popular less liked child. She'd always been the life of the party, the one always with a funny story to tell or be your best friend just by listening. She never met a stranger. I questioned why God would take one of his best soldiers and most faithful servant. I prayed til I physically made myself sick or fell asleep mentally exhausted that The Lord would heal her....she did not want to die and I witnessed a weak moment where in the last days before her death she rose up out of her death bed yelling and screaming that she didn't believe this was happening...she didn't want to leave us....she grabbed her son and yelled no I can't leave you over and over as my mom, myself and her husband sobbed. Out of all the things I have endured over the past few years this has been the absolute hardest and the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak. I haven't prayed since she died. I refuse. I keep thinking over and over that God will do what he wants why should I pray. I know it is not right for me to be so bitter. The other day I had it out with The Lord. Everyone was gone so I had the house to myself. In this rent house we have to stay in, the dishwasher, the oven and the air conditioner went out all within weeks of each other. I was trying to clean dishes and broke something and I just lost it. I started screaming and cursing at God why does everything have to be so bad right now. What had I done to deserve having everything taken away? Was he enjoying watching me struggle? Just let me die already (since all this has occurred I have started having serious medical issues ). If this is a "test" I have failed miserably. I know the story of Job but to read it doesn't help. Anyway since my "blow up" i have been searching the internet for what to do when you are very bitter and angry with God. I found this sight. I hope somehow I can get to a better place spiritually. I appreciate you reading this. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi Julie!

I'm very sorry to hear all this, and I hope it will get better, I'm sure it will.
So; See life like this: It's a present from the Lord, given to us, with a lot of great stuff coming along with it. But then, there is the Devil, who has much power than the Lord, the only thing he can do, is try to destroy everything He has given us. This goes from life, to wealth, to a great family etc.

Now imagine this: Someone gives you a wonderful present. Then, there is another person who totally destroys it. I'm very sure you are not going to be angry at the person who gave the present. So NEVER be angry with God, even if it's going very bad in your life. He is the one that can make everything right, and he has just as much pain from it than you have.

Lastly, the world is a sinful place. We can ask ourselves, why does this happen to me, I'm a true believer?! Well, you are still a sinner. So, the concequences of sin also have impact on us.

This doesn't make anything right, but I hope it will help you!

Gods blessing,
lots of love,

Marit

Marit · Aug 14, 2015

Julie93 said:

Thank you for the responses everyone. I am trying to get back to where I need to be with The Lord. But to be honest I'm so angry with him right now for taking everything away....that's why I stumbled on this sight. I prayed til I was blue in the face over everything as each one happened....when I lost the baby....when we started experiencing financial woes....and especially when my sister battled her cancer. Her death is probably the thing I am most bitter about. She was such a happy, faithful Christian. She attended worship every Sunday with her husband and son. She had the most beautiful singing voice and sang in the choir plus sang solos which could melt your heart. She was also an athlete who ran 5K marathons and other such contests all the time. She found out she had cancer just a month or two after my family had moved two hours away so I could accept a better paying job. So I was not able to be there for her or my mom. She fought bravely and with the best attitude possible....never blaming God and always faithful. After a year she was told she was in remission, and we all celebrated her birthday like it was 1999. Just a few short months after that her pain returned, and she was told the cancer had returned with a vengeance, and that there was nothing more the doctors could do. They sent her home and within 2 weeks she was gone. I begged God to take me not her since I've always been the more troubled less popular less liked child. She'd always been the life of the party, the one always with a funny story to tell or be your best friend just by listening. She never met a stranger. I questioned why God would take one of his best soldiers and most faithful servant. I prayed til I physically made myself sick or fell asleep mentally exhausted that The Lord would heal her....she did not want to die and I witnessed a weak moment where in the last days before her death she rose up out of her death bed yelling and screaming that she didn't believe this was happening...she didn't want to leave us....she grabbed her son and yelled no I can't leave you over and over as my mom, myself and her husband sobbed. Out of all the things I have endured over the past few years this has been the absolute hardest and the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak. I haven't prayed since she died. I refuse. I keep thinking over and over that God will do what he wants why should I pray. I know it is not right for me to be so bitter. The other day I had it out with The Lord. Everyone was gone so I had the house to myself. In this rent house we have to stay in, the dishwasher, the oven and the air conditioner went out all within weeks of each other. I was trying to clean dishes and broke something and I just lost it. I started screaming and cursing at God why does everything have to be so bad right now. What had I done to deserve having everything taken away? Was he enjoying watching me struggle? Just let me die already (since all this has occurred I have started having serious medical issues ). If this is a "test" I have failed miserably. I know the story of Job but to read it doesn't help. Anyway since my "blow up" i have been searching the internet for what to do when you are very bitter and angry with God. I found this sight. I hope somehow I can get to a better place spiritually. I appreciate you reading this. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi Julie!

I'm very sorry to hear all this, and I hope it will get better, I'm sure it will.
So; See life like this: It's a present from the Lord, given to us, with a lot of great stuff coming along with it. But then, there is the Devil, who has much less power than the Lord, the only thing he can do, is try to destroy everything He has given us. This goes from life, to wealth, to a great family etc.

Now imagine this: Someone gives you a wonderful present. Then, there is another person who totally destroys it. I'm very sure you are not going to be angry at the person who gave the present. So NEVER be angry with God, even if it's going very bad in your life. He is the one that can make everything right, and he has just as much pain from it than you have.

Lastly, the world is a sinful place. We can ask ourselves, why does this happen to me, I'm a true believer?! Well, you are still a sinner. So, the concequences of sin also have impact on us.

This doesn't make anything right, but I hope it will help you!

Gods blessing,
lots of love,

Marit

atwhatcost · Aug 14, 2015

Julie93 said:

Long-term or short-term? I still have hissy fits. I still pout and do a great imitation of Jonah. But I'm determined to go where God wants me by boat now, because fish stomach is too uncomfortable.

I haven't been long-term angry with God since 2005. (Right after reading that book.) The answer is simple -- he has done this to us to keep us close. It's that simple, but you won't believe it until it's shown in that book.

Oh, and we don't have the money to fix our house. And by fix I mean we need 16 feet of sidewalk before someone gets hurt. Our front steps are going, so we might get hurt. (We also might well have no way of getting out of our house, since neither one of us are capable of jumping down four feet. lol) Some of the windows are so bad there is no windowsill, so they can fall out or in on any given day. Circumstances haven't changed. I have.

I suspect God is still teaching me "Trust God." I want everything fixed now, but our windows have been that bad since 1999 and they're still in the walls. I don't know what will give, other than trusting God that he will when it's needed, not when I want it or how I want it.

That much of a life changer.

Julie93 · Aug 14, 2015

I hope that someday I can feel the same as you do Lynn. I guess I will have to read the book you mentioned. I am unable to pray at this point. One, I feel ashamed of my anger towards The Lord. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it since I know only He has/had the power to keep us protected from ALL this hurt. And two, I really feel right now it's pointless to pray. The Lord has demonstrated He will do whatever he likes whenever he likes so what's the point in praying.

Huge test from God?

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