I'm devastated after wife's affair.

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J

jkalyna

Guest
#61
#61
VioletReigns said:
Oops! I spoke too soon. My dear Atwhatcost - I apologize as I'm the one who needs the restraining sock because I'm gonna use my "outdoor voice" right now:

IS EVERYONE KIDDING ME??????? :confused: :p

Seriously, when I read TedyBareHeart's story, all I could see is that he's extremely controlling. He's putting spy apps on his wife's phone, running around town demanding security camera history, interrogating (his admits) his wife, I mean the man is policing his wife like she's a prisoner. It was actually frightening reading his story!

I don't for a minute believe that this supremacy over his wife only started the day he discovered her missing. Nobody becomes that controlling instantaneously. It seems things progressed to this boiling point over a period of time.

I am not blaming TedyBareHeart for his wife's behavior. She's accountable for what she does. I am addressing the fact that this husband is not trusting God when he is invading his wife's privacy, cross-examining her like a police sergeant, demanding she answer to him and even has their children in on surveying their mother's every move. This is insanity!

Where is God in this situation? We are not to control our spouse like that. We need to let them go free if that's what they want. "Let them depart..." If he wants this marriage to survive, he's going to have to get professional counseling rather than try to shackle his wife to their vows. Is this a prison sentence or a godly marriage?

They need professional help, maybe even legal help, but certainly not continue this frantic incrimination of his wife.
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demanding security camereas history, or sending spys on her alot of people in the world do that, and they don't even personally talk to that person, infatuattion, but I agree with you. If I had a husband sending those things around town, I don't know, maybe it's a good bodyguard thing.
 
J

jkalyna

Guest
#62
#62
TedyBareHeart said:
Need help to overcome the extreme pain and rage.
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Then get it. YOu know there are men who go off breaking 20 or 30 car windows, because of anger issues. This obviously is not from the Lord God, and it is not a pleasant fruit to digest, it is unrightouss fruit, and your tasting it in your spirit, prayer , prayer, and prayer with other's and violet is right, do it, before it controls you, Do you know that there's a bible verse that says "jealousy is the rage of a man." It is not the wrong jealousy, but a jealousy of you want to protect her, a Godly one, but if not kept in check, it is and will cause rage, the other bible verse; " jealousy is cruel as the grave," and are you a born again believer, then you know that unrighteous jealousy is not from the Lord, and the adversary will make you think ways to get rid of this man. Then you might never get back together behind bars. Think about that. Seek the LOrd on this. and council.
 
T

TedyBareHeart

Junior Member
#63
Aug 16, 2015
14
0
1
#63
this is to VioletReigns.

What you said (supremacy over her) is exactly what I should have done all this while.. if I did, this should've not have happened. Y'know, I gave her all the liberty as she is a full time house wife and I understand clearly how's its like taking care of the kids all by herself when I'm not around.. I let her had fb accounts,..I didn't restrict her from joining groups in the sosial media (whatsapp, wechat etc..) because I trusted her and on top of that she she is very active with church activities like attending cell groups, prayer meetings, mission trips which I'm really comfortable with. Never did I thought she in her right mind will be involved in an affair. And before you bombard me further with your inaccurate insight about my situation, let me tell you one thing, the first thing I said to her right after I told her I know it all.. is .."I forgive you" .. I didn't even wait until she beg for my forgiveness (she was crying like a waterfall). but I said it first..I forgive her..why? because I loved her very much..she's all the love I got.. It has been over a month now after the reveal.. I still have much pain in my heart.. though I forgave her.. still have the thoughts of punishing her for what she done. She begged me not to tell anyone.. her parents, siblings, friend, church members, not even our pastor.. I felt so alone. no one to talk to..
 
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Gozinia

Gozinia

Banned
#64
Feb 11, 2015
243
1
0
#64
How many people do YOU police that aren't even your Spouse Miss Violet? Well you're being policed now :) have anice day
 
J

jkalyna

Guest
#65
#65
You could talk all ;you want here, and the prayer forums, sometimes it just festers, and I'm glad you's are all back together. I don't blame you, your not the one who walked out, temptation, comes without giving you an invitation to break up the family home, but you know who's behind all this, I know you prayed and please post your needs in the prayer forums. God blessed you, and won't turn his back on you. :)
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#66
Feb 21, 2014
70,882
9,613
113
#66
1.) You have forgiven her. That's good.

2.) This COULD still have happened no matter how controlling you are.

3.) You say you "LOVED her." Key word here is LOVED.

4.) SHE is NOT "all the love you got." You have JESUS' love, and his love is much purer and truer than hers could ever possibly be..
 
T

twotwo

Guest
#67
#67
TedyBareHeart said:
...the first thing I said to her right after I told her I know it all.. is .."I forgive you" .

I forgive her..why? because I loved her very much..she's all the love I got..

I still have much pain in my heart.. though I forgave her.. still have the thoughts of punishing her for what she done.

I felt so alone. no one to talk to..
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She already had a big correction from the Lord by having her sins revealed!

This is a time to trust the Lord and listen to Him! This is a time to put aside your reason and do everything he says.

  • Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Love your enemies, Pray for those who hurt you…
Mother Teresa used to say that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

May you find your joy with the Lord! Given all your worries and cares to Him, for he cares about you.
 
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VioletReigns

Guest
#68
#68
Gozinia said:
How many people do YOU police that aren't even your Spouse Miss Violet? Well you're being policed now :) have anice day
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Thank for the heads up, Richard. :rolleyes:
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#69
#69
Oops! Or is that Peter? :eek:
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#70
#70
TedyBareHeart said:
this is to VioletReigns.

What you said (supremacy over her) is exactly what I should have done all this while.. if I did, this should've not have happened. Y'know, I gave her all the liberty as she is a full time house wife and I understand clearly how's its like taking care of the kids all by herself when I'm not around.. I let her had fb accounts,..I didn't restrict her from joining groups in the sosial media (whatsapp, wechat etc..) because I trusted her and on top of that she she is very active with church activities like attending cell groups, prayer meetings, mission trips which I'm really comfortable with. Never did I thought she in her right mind will be involved in an affair. And before you bombard me further with your inaccurate insight about my situation, let me tell you one thing, the first thing I said to her right after I told her I know it all.. is .."I forgive you" .. I didn't even wait until she beg for my forgiveness (she was crying like a waterfall). but I said it first..I forgive her..why? because I loved her very much..she's all the love I got.. It has been over a month now after the reveal.. I still have much pain in my heart.. though I forgave her.. still have the thoughts of punishing her for what she done. She begged me not to tell anyone.. her parents, siblings, friend, church members, not even our pastor.. I felt so alone. no one to talk to..
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Do you hear yourself? You gave her all the liberty...? You let her have social media accounts....? You had no problem with her joining church activities & things that you're comfortable with? Brother, Jesus Christ gives everyone including your wife the liberty to make our own choices. You don't own your wife and make the rules for her.

And I'm not bombarding you with anything. You came onto a world-wide social website telling the entire planet about your story and you asked for advice. You got my advice, I didn't bombard you with it. You are free to take my advice or throw it away. I'm not controlling you.

Your statement that you "still have the thoughts of punishing her for what she done" is not healthy at all. In fact, it's downright scary. You need to get counseling immediately. That anger is poison.

Be encouraged, you are not alone. You have the option of getting professional counseling. There are many crisis centers which offer free counseling for marriage disputes and unhealthy relationship situations. I don't know of any in Malaysia but you can always research online for places which offer help.

I understand you have extreme heartache and pain. It's devastating to be betrayed by someone you love. But you are setting guidelines for your wife to live under just so you feel comfortable and secure. The bottom line is, people will disappoint and fail us. We can't make them the foundation of our lives. God is the only One who will never fail you. I pray you get counseling so you can begin to build your marriage on a firm foundation of God's love.
 
A

atwhatcost

Guest
#71
#71
VioletReigns said:
Now, now my dear East Coast sister & friend, don't make me put you in the restraining sock. Use your "indoor voice". :rolleyes: heehee

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Look at those eyes, they just calmly and sweetly thinking, "Your hands are hamburger when I get out of here, buster."
 
Utah

Utah

Banned
#74
Dec 1, 2014
9,701
252
0
#74
TedyBareHeart said:
this is to VioletReigns.

What you said (supremacy over her) is exactly what I should have done all this while.. if I did, this should've not have happened. Y'know, I gave her all the liberty as she is a full time house wife and I understand clearly how's its like taking care of the kids all by herself when I'm not around.. I let her had fb accounts,..I didn't restrict her from joining groups in the sosial media (whatsapp, wechat etc..) because I trusted her and on top of that she she is very active with church activities like attending cell groups, prayer meetings, mission trips which I'm really comfortable with. Never did I thought she in her right mind will be involved in an affair. And before you bombard me further with your inaccurate insight about my situation, let me tell you one thing, the first thing I said to her right after I told her I know it all.. is .."I forgive you" .. I didn't even wait until she beg for my forgiveness (she was crying like a waterfall). but I said it first..I forgive her..why? because I loved her very much..she's all the love I got.. It has been over a month now after the reveal.. I still have much pain in my heart.. though I forgave her.. still have the thoughts of punishing her for what she done. She begged me not to tell anyone.. her parents, siblings, friend, church members, not even our pastor.. I felt so alone. no one to talk to..
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TB, I'm not going to kick you while you're down (and I'm not saying Violet did) however, even in your reply to Violet, three statements stand out that actually support her views:

"I gave her all the liberty"

"I let her have Facebook accounts"

"I didn't restrict her"

Come on bro, what gives? Your wife is an adult with God-given rights. She's independent, she was obviously lonely, and she betrayed you. My heart goes out to you, it truly does, but you should heed Violet's wisdom; restoration will only happen when you and your wife put all the shortfalls of your marriage out on the table -- hers and yours.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#75
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#75
Reading through the posts.. Is it just me, or does it seem like these comments are coming off like the husband is in the wrong here?... I don't agree with that. I think he has every right to be angry, and the wife should be the one to be willing to do anything to try to win back his trust if she's sorry. Whether that's counseling, deleting every type of account... Whatever... But how does she still have liberty to do these types of things if she did these things while having them? That's like telling someone that struggles with porn to keep the computer in the room... I don't know. That's just the vibe I'm getting from these comments. If the wife doesn't come off as sincere and say she wants to do anything and everything to make up for what she did, I wouldn't want to be with her after because I couldn't look at her the same. Without trust, there's nothing.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#76
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#76
A lot of people are mistaking a person stepping up and setting boundaries for control. I can guarantee a lot will feel differently if the man did the cheating, and the man had all these different accounts and did all these things with the opposite sex. I don't think anyone would be saying "He has the freedom to do it" like they are with this wife. Gender bias, anyone?
 
Utah

Utah

Banned
#77
Dec 1, 2014
9,701
252
0
#77
jsr1221 said:
A lot of people are mistaking a person stepping up and setting boundaries for control. I can guarantee a lot will feel differently if the man did the cheating, and the man had all these different accounts and did all these things with the opposite sex. I don't think anyone would be saying "He has the freedom to do it" like they are with this wife. Gender bias, anyone?
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Everyone has the freedom; but TBH is stating that he gave her the freedom. Control issues.

And I stand with you regarding his wife not being sincere. I wouldn't want her back either.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#78
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#78
Utah said:
Everyone has the freedom; but TBH is stating that he gave her the freedom. Control issues.

And I stand with you regarding his wife not being sincere. I wouldn't want her back either.
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If you're, married though, you should be asking how your spouse feels when it comes to doing all these things with the opposite sex when your spouse isn't present. Yes we all have free will, but marriage is a covenant under God that blends you two together. It's not just you anymore... It's you and your spouse.
 
Utah

Utah

Banned
#79
Dec 1, 2014
9,701
252
0
#79
jsr1221 said:
If you're, married though, you should be asking how your spouse feels when it comes to doing all these things with the opposite sex when your spouse isn't present. Yes we all have free will, but marriage is a covenant under God that blends you two together. It's not just you anymore... It's you and your spouse.
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I'm not married . . . whew!

I dated a girl once who was livid when she called me one day while I was at work and I told her I was having lunch with a female colleague. She said being with someone of the opposite sex in a one on one situation is how affairs begin. After much discussion I agreed to no longer have lunch with any female colleagues. I was cool with it, but unfortunately that was the beginning of the birth pangs with her. Those pangs never ended, so the relationship did.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#80
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#80
Utah said:
I'm not married . . . whew!

I dated a girl once who was livid when she called me one day while I was at work and I told her I was having lunch with a female colleague. She said being with someone of the opposite sex in a one on one situation is how affairs begin. After much discussion I agreed to no longer have lunch with any female colleagues. I was cool with it, but unfortunately that was the beginning of the birth pangs with her. Those pangs never ended, so the relationship did.
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It depends on the couples, as everyone has different couples as what's okay and what's not. I think it's important to communicate between one another what you feel is right and not right... I don't know. For me, I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation alone with the opposite sex. I would always try to have someone else join if my w wife/gf couldn't... I feel like I'm about to get backlash for saying make you you and your partner are on the same page, and that's not right. Communication is the number one important thing. Not doing such thing tends to be the reason for most failed marriages and relationships.
 
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