I'm devastated after wife's affair.
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A
And these sound like the words of a man who thinks everything should revolve around him.
I'm seeing a pattern here. Lots of blaming her. No blaming yourself. No seeking God. But, hey! All good because you can prove yourself the victim on here.
Four months later. How is this working for you? Tired of it yet? My brother married the woman he cheated with. You seem to think this is all resolved except how you feel.
I'm seeing a pattern here. Lots of blaming her. No blaming yourself. No seeking God. But, hey! All good because you can prove yourself the victim on here.
Four months later. How is this working for you? Tired of it yet? My brother married the woman he cheated with. You seem to think this is all resolved except how you feel.
I know, in general people will say the husband is also to be blamed for his wife's infidelity . I tried to find where I did wrong, she said nothing is wrong with me... and she don't know why she was so stupid in giving herself up to this guy. He is a married man, my age, her old time friend since school, ex. bf? she said no..(sweet talker maybe). Does it matter to know know all the things they said to each other?
My wife is the type of person who can be easily influenced by other people like buying things or ideas but i never thought this will also include to falling into another man's arms.. I wanted to know every single thing he said to her that make her gave herself up so easily to him. (since there is nothing wrong with me).. but she never want to to tell.
I did went to look for the guy who live in another town 200 km away,..to face off with him (just to talk - non violence) but somehow he know I was coming and managed to disappear.
She repented, confessed to me (but not anyone else), starting (trying) to live normal again,.. she tried her best to show me she is changed. Me?life goes on ..to forgive, but not to forget....still got pain, Trust? time will tell. It took years to build ..before crushing down in in seconds.
My wife is the type of person who can be easily influenced by other people like buying things or ideas but i never thought this will also include to falling into another man's arms.. I wanted to know every single thing he said to her that make her gave herself up so easily to him. (since there is nothing wrong with me).. but she never want to to tell.
I did went to look for the guy who live in another town 200 km away,..to face off with him (just to talk - non violence) but somehow he know I was coming and managed to disappear.
She repented, confessed to me (but not anyone else), starting (trying) to live normal again,.. she tried her best to show me she is changed. Me?life goes on ..to forgive, but not to forget....still got pain, Trust? time will tell. It took years to build ..before crushing down in in seconds.
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A
Same thing I said before.
Start from the beginning of this thread. Notice, I was never the one who asked for the details. I was the one who suggested you take this to God. Too late. Didn't know you already took it to your wife first.
But did you? Did you really? Because you said you forgave her before she had the chance to say anything. And then she told you to be quiet, and, until you gave the details on here, you did keep quiet. But did you keep quiet to her? Did you keep quiet to God?
Do you have your answers yet. Two questions I'd absolutely have to know before I could ever, ever consider forgiving my hubby for such betrayal. Even then, it would have to be handed to me from God to forgive him. (This is the one thing I know hubby wouldn't do to me, simply because his ex did it twice to him. That's both of our line in the sand, but that's also why I know it would be impossible for me to forgive him without God intervening to change me.)
And, bad news for you. Forgiving includes forgetting. You can't ever forget literally, but you're to throw it across the seas and never bring it up again. That's why you need to know before you forgive. Otherwise you sew the bullet up in the wound and the festering will kill your marriage.
Start from the beginning of this thread. Notice, I was never the one who asked for the details. I was the one who suggested you take this to God. Too late. Didn't know you already took it to your wife first.
But did you? Did you really? Because you said you forgave her before she had the chance to say anything. And then she told you to be quiet, and, until you gave the details on here, you did keep quiet. But did you keep quiet to her? Did you keep quiet to God?
Do you have your answers yet. Two questions I'd absolutely have to know before I could ever, ever consider forgiving my hubby for such betrayal. Even then, it would have to be handed to me from God to forgive him. (This is the one thing I know hubby wouldn't do to me, simply because his ex did it twice to him. That's both of our line in the sand, but that's also why I know it would be impossible for me to forgive him without God intervening to change me.)
And, bad news for you. Forgiving includes forgetting. You can't ever forget literally, but you're to throw it across the seas and never bring it up again. That's why you need to know before you forgive. Otherwise you sew the bullet up in the wound and the festering will kill your marriage.
V
The Bible tells husbands and wives not to neglect giving love and affection to each other or else they might get tempted to stray. Withholding tenderness, kindness, respect and honor.... or not spending alone time with one another.... or failing to listen to what your partner wants can cause division in a marriage.
But I think talking to a professional counselor would better clarify the specific things that need improvement in your marriage. I honestly don't think you're going to resolve your issues on the internet.
But I think talking to a professional counselor would better clarify the specific things that need improvement in your marriage. I honestly don't think you're going to resolve your issues on the internet.
B
NOTHING... absolutely NOTHING.
I infer from your question you are trying to gain "understanding" to why your wife cheated. The basic answer is because she wanted to. I already mentioned previously how many moral/ethical barriers she had to ignore and reason away to get to the moment of the actual "act" and there after had NO CONSCIENCE against repeating the "act" over a period of months.
This in no way is a "it just happened" kind of thing... like she was stuck in a broken elevator with a man and they got to talking and the tension and fear of the emergency turned to companion/comfort and he took advantage of her vulnerability and it charmed her clothes off" then they got out of the elevator and she was like... OH MY! what have I done!
No that isn't how it was, she enjoyed the pleasure and privilege of being COMPLETELY trusted by you. Had all the personal freedom, nice home, family, hard working husband WHO PROVIDED for her... likely most anything she wanted that you could afford. Full freedom in her private pursuits and pleasures.... except it wasnt enough and instead of saying, "I feel dissatisfied" or " I am lonely" or " I want to spice up things" or "I am whatever" and turning to her husband ... Who is the ONLY LEGITIMATE OR RIGHTFUL PERSON TO TURN TO... she went looking elsewhere.
Teddy she has not only betrayed your marriage and trust, but your children, family, your church family. She committed adultery against another woman and that family TOO. She employed the "actor friends" her lover and employees of business to try to cover up her sin... EVEN after she was initially confronted.
She has been USING other people as her "story" to be have trysts... I wonder what LIES she told the friends at church when she wasn't at the meetings she was supposed to be at... when they noticed her absence and asked?
I am not rehashing over this scenario to cause you pain... I DO however want to be CLEAR, that her sin is much bigger and worser than a "private matter" some have sort of alluded it to be. True the lurid details are private... but the depth and breadth of her SINNING all over the place in conjunction with this affair IS NOT PRIVATE.
This is the real dilemma for some of us commenting to you... we understand and want you to heal... but you MUST be clear the distinction between "sorry she got caught" and "truly repentant"... which in the scripture are distinquished as "worldly sorrow" and "Godly sorrow" respectively.
Godly sorrow brings forth fruit worthy of repentance... that means she would recognize the colossal sinning across the board and be willing to expose it thru confession..... not beg you with apology and be fearing what people will think and wanting you to cover it up and keep it secret. That said I am not saying you take out a billboard in town making a declarartion but there are some very necessary steps that should happen in this case.
1) decide how to inform your older children... if they don't know already they surely know something is up... do not let them formulate their own idea... it could be worse than the truth. This is being being honest in the home and demonstrating leadership and FORGIVENESS.
2) figure out what YOU need in practical terms to allow YOU to begin healing the broken trust. If that means you keep the "spyware" for a while so be it. If it means she goes NO WHERE without a child with her for a while, or some other method of accountability that's fine too. If you dump facebook, or open a JOINT page... whatever it takes. If she is truly repentant she will understand and agree to the measures you put in place to begin restoring your trust in her. If it is all too oppressive for her to abide... well you might want to reconsider what kind of "sorry" she is.
3) the church needs to know... at least the elders... and she should lose her position of leadership or whatever sanction the eldership counsels with you.
4) she should write a letter of CONTRITE APOLOGY to the wife of the other man.... and of course NEVER have any contact with him again.
Those are the four things I can think of to get you moving in the direction of Honoring God through actions and beginning the restoration process.
Whatever "talking" goes on between you and your wife is your relationship of private matters but the above steps are practical and biblical principals.
I infer from your question you are trying to gain "understanding" to why your wife cheated. The basic answer is because she wanted to. I already mentioned previously how many moral/ethical barriers she had to ignore and reason away to get to the moment of the actual "act" and there after had NO CONSCIENCE against repeating the "act" over a period of months.
This in no way is a "it just happened" kind of thing... like she was stuck in a broken elevator with a man and they got to talking and the tension and fear of the emergency turned to companion/comfort and he took advantage of her vulnerability and it charmed her clothes off" then they got out of the elevator and she was like... OH MY! what have I done!
No that isn't how it was, she enjoyed the pleasure and privilege of being COMPLETELY trusted by you. Had all the personal freedom, nice home, family, hard working husband WHO PROVIDED for her... likely most anything she wanted that you could afford. Full freedom in her private pursuits and pleasures.... except it wasnt enough and instead of saying, "I feel dissatisfied" or " I am lonely" or " I want to spice up things" or "I am whatever" and turning to her husband ... Who is the ONLY LEGITIMATE OR RIGHTFUL PERSON TO TURN TO... she went looking elsewhere.
Teddy she has not only betrayed your marriage and trust, but your children, family, your church family. She committed adultery against another woman and that family TOO. She employed the "actor friends" her lover and employees of business to try to cover up her sin... EVEN after she was initially confronted.
She has been USING other people as her "story" to be have trysts... I wonder what LIES she told the friends at church when she wasn't at the meetings she was supposed to be at... when they noticed her absence and asked?
I am not rehashing over this scenario to cause you pain... I DO however want to be CLEAR, that her sin is much bigger and worser than a "private matter" some have sort of alluded it to be. True the lurid details are private... but the depth and breadth of her SINNING all over the place in conjunction with this affair IS NOT PRIVATE.
This is the real dilemma for some of us commenting to you... we understand and want you to heal... but you MUST be clear the distinction between "sorry she got caught" and "truly repentant"... which in the scripture are distinquished as "worldly sorrow" and "Godly sorrow" respectively.
Godly sorrow brings forth fruit worthy of repentance... that means she would recognize the colossal sinning across the board and be willing to expose it thru confession..... not beg you with apology and be fearing what people will think and wanting you to cover it up and keep it secret. That said I am not saying you take out a billboard in town making a declarartion but there are some very necessary steps that should happen in this case.
1) decide how to inform your older children... if they don't know already they surely know something is up... do not let them formulate their own idea... it could be worse than the truth. This is being being honest in the home and demonstrating leadership and FORGIVENESS.
2) figure out what YOU need in practical terms to allow YOU to begin healing the broken trust. If that means you keep the "spyware" for a while so be it. If it means she goes NO WHERE without a child with her for a while, or some other method of accountability that's fine too. If you dump facebook, or open a JOINT page... whatever it takes. If she is truly repentant she will understand and agree to the measures you put in place to begin restoring your trust in her. If it is all too oppressive for her to abide... well you might want to reconsider what kind of "sorry" she is.
3) the church needs to know... at least the elders... and she should lose her position of leadership or whatever sanction the eldership counsels with you.
4) she should write a letter of CONTRITE APOLOGY to the wife of the other man.... and of course NEVER have any contact with him again.
Those are the four things I can think of to get you moving in the direction of Honoring God through actions and beginning the restoration process.
Whatever "talking" goes on between you and your wife is your relationship of private matters but the above steps are practical and biblical principals.
Loneliness...inattention... lack of communication... there's a book called, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage by Dr. Willard F. Hartley, Jr. that explains why affairs happen. I think it's a Christian book, but to be honest, it's been years since I've read it. Not even sure I have it any more...
V
Your whole post borders on religious extremism with all its condemnation, unforgiveness, accusations, assumptions, demands and hate. If there were control issues in their marriage before, your foolish advice will only intensify it. To instruct this man to dishonor his wife by informing their children of their mother's error, to expose her to the church, to order his wife to write a contrite apology to the wife of the other man, to police her like a criminal until she has merited his trust, to continue using spy apps, is so contrary to what Jesus says, I can hardly believe you would even dare to post such barbaric legalism! You're playing God!
You have pretty much stoned this woman publicly and are pacifying this man's anger and unforgiveness, of which he admitted he is struggling with. You honestly frighten me with your outlandish hate for his wife. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ that Tedy does NOT take your wrath-fueled advice and instead gets some godly counsel from someone who is spiritually mature and who exhibits the wisdom and love of God for the sake of his family.
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V
Tedy my dear brother, nothing is impossible with God. I am praying that the Lord will give you the desire of your heart and that a miracle will take place in your life and in your marriage. May you soon find a wonderful Christian counselor who can help you work through all of your emotional battles and help you pick up the pieces of your marriage that it be healed. Peace to you in the Father and in the grace of Jesus Christ.
A
Nice try. We're not your wife. You really really don't want to know, do you? Not from her. Not about anything. Sweep it under the rug. Your rug is bulging.
And you really don't want to take this to God either, do you? Remember him? Creator. King of Kings. Lord. The Lord part ought to be a big clue.
If you won't go to her and ask, I have my doubts about you loving her.
If you won't go to God, I have my doubts you're a believer.
Again. What will YOU do? That bulge under the rug is so big, the rug doesn't touch the floor.
And you really don't want to take this to God either, do you? Remember him? Creator. King of Kings. Lord. The Lord part ought to be a big clue.
If you won't go to her and ask, I have my doubts about you loving her.
If you won't go to God, I have my doubts you're a believer.
Again. What will YOU do? That bulge under the rug is so big, the rug doesn't touch the floor.
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maybe one maybe both or maybe I'm a shareholder in the company...anyways... I notice you're teaching only forgiveness neglecting any sense of duty...Similar to steal what you want then ask forgiveness later...The 20 things you have posted relating to controlling behavior are irrelevant after infidelity...Unwashed tombs huh? (nice way of changing God's word)... Which is greater... forgiveness or God's covenant which was broken to warrant seeking forgiveness to begin with?
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Gozinia, after an affair is the most critical time to be full of love and forgiveness, don't you think? Clamping down with restrictions is not the answer and will not restore a sense of trust which is so desperately needed between the injured parties. If they are going to restore their relationship, they need to breathe life back into the love, which may have been damaged beyond repair. It is SO relevant after an affair, in fact, it is absolutely essential if they have any hope whatsoever of saving their marriage!