Confessions of my conscience.

[blue_ladybug]

zoii, what happened to you does not diminish who you are as a person. Nor does it define who you are now. You can either let this beat you down, or stand up and be an example to those you want to help by becoming a counselor. This event has made you stronger, not weaker. Yes, it's changed you, but let that be a good thing, not a bad one.. You're not to blame for this guy's sickness towards women. And no one can know just by looking at you, what happened. I thought the same thing after my rape--that I looked differently somehow, and they could just tell. I know how dang hard it is to forgive someone who hurt me so badly. It took me years before I accepted it, forgave him and moved on. Do not keep letting this guy hold you back from reclaiming your life. He took away your innocence, don't let him take away who you are now and who you want to be..

 

[Altair-786]

:/ upsets me that women r treated like rubbish these days

 

[JustViv]

Revenge belongs to God and even though he is now a Christian, remember that, God will have him pay for the consequences of the sins he had committed. Ultimately, if this person ends up in heaven because of true repentance or not, it's between him and God. The pain he had inflicted in you may stay with you for a very long time but, God truly knows how broken you are. God wants to make you whole again despite how this person had destroyed and damaged your life. Put your focus on God and let His Spirit to minister to you each minute. As you go along, let it go, pour it out to God and cry to Him, if you need to. He's there with all ears, listening to you and His arms are wide open to receive you with great love and will want to embrace you.

 

[Ugly]

Revenge belongs to God and even though he is now a Christian, remember that, God will have him pay for the consequences of the sins he had committed. Ultimately, if this person ends up in heaven because of true repentance or not, it's between him and God. The pain he had inflicted in you may stay with you for a very long time but, God truly knows how broken you are. God wants to make you whole again despite how this person had destroyed and damaged your life. Put your focus on God and let His Spirit to minister to you each minute. As you go along, let it go, pour it out to God and cry to Him, if you need to. He's there with all ears, listening to you and His arms are wide open to receive you with great love and will want to embrace you.

If God forgives us our sins, and separates them from us as far as the east from the west then how can we be punished for them as well? If we are 'new creations' how can we be punished for our past? Hell is the only punishment fitting for sin. So how exactly will God punish sins that He has forgiven and washed with His blood, if hell is the only punishment for sin, yet the person is born again and saved from hell?

 

[zoii]

Justviv and ladybug - ty for being there last night hugs

 

[Ugly]

I have been thinking about writing this for some time but have been quite fearful of it. I can be very fragile at times and I do a lot of work with a counsellor. But I have an issue that is just growing in my brain that I cant stop thinking about... Its building like a pressure in my head.

Not long before my 13th birthday I was walking home from school... I always walk home with friends... this day I didnt. I was grabbed from behind and punched so hard in the face i wasnt really fully conscious. I was grabbed by the throat and raped by a man in his 40s. Apparently I had been screaming n had been punched several times in the face fracturing my cheek/eye socket and jaw. I was hurt...really hurt. I was strangled and would likely have been murdered if this evil man hadnt been disturbed. Its left me with issues I struggle with and self harm has been a part of it plus a deep fear of men.

Unlike most of my friends, I'm not really attracted to anyone n dont want a b/f. Recently I had received attention from a girl and I guess I had my first feelings of... I guess love...not physical but I sure adored her - Oh and believe me I fully know what the position here is about it - theres plenty of threads here about same sex attraction - goodness knows i dont need it to be re-stated.

The man who hurt me was caught and gaoled and I was not his first victim. However that evil rapist after just under 3 years will have his first parole review. A policeman told my father he states he is now a christian which will improve his chances of parole. My fear is that not only this evil man will be at some point released, but as a christian he will be welcomed into the loving arms of jesus and this community. His past will be fogtten and he will live in heavan with God.... while I, even though I have and will continue to love god and be a good person, will be spurned by jesus and this community and cast to hell if I ever act on my feelings for this girl. I cry over this - it feels such a bitter injustice.... being a good person seems to amount to nothing n being evil doesnt matter either as long as at some point u repent..... for a person in my position- it cuts me deeply. I swing between staying strong, getting depressed or getting angry. There just doesnt seem to be any justice in this.... and then to be told I should marry and let the man lead.... ugh..thats a whole other story...

I'm sorry this happened to you. And believe me, i am in no way trying to downplay this mans actions, but in the eyes of God we are all equally deserving of hell. So 'being good' is irrelevant. And being saved isn't about 'being good', it's about revelation and rebirth. And the fruits of that rebirth is the 'good' we see, not the other way around.

And the comparison you make is not quite equal. A man who came from the world and sin being welcomed in as he is reborn and realizes his need for God vs a Christian who chooses to go against the bible and God willfully and knowing exactly what they are doing. So you are comparing a person who doesn't know God coming to God and learning how bad his behavior is and repent and stop doing it and regret it to a person who has that knowledge and chooses to go against it and purposefully go in the opposite direction.

Also, if he is truly changed he will likely be bothered in his conscience the rest of his life, being a torment of his own. Not to mention if his past gets known to the public he's at risk of ridicule and potential harassment or worse and that will be in the back of his mind the rest of his life.

But given that a large population of inmates 'find religion' in prison, which is only a ruse to make themselves look good, it's not likely to be effective because the prison system is well aware of this claim mostly being faked. Or at least that's the case here in the US, not sure about other countries.

 

[PoetMary]

Sweet zoii! We're here to love on you, encourage you toward Jesus and play (maybe even just a small part) in the healing that God clearly has planned for you.

That which satan means for evil, God will use for good.

We don't always know the how and why of it all, but I believe with all my heart that God is good and that he deeply loves you. He shares in the pain you are experiencing. And so do we, because you are part of the Body of Christ. The fact that you're struggling pains us as well.

We can and will be praying for you. Please let us know if there are any other needs you have that we can meet.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Justviv and ladybug - ty for being there last night hugs

You're welcome, zoii.. But your "last night" was MY noon..lol

 

[JustViv]

Justviv and ladybug - ty for being there last night hugs

You're most welcome and I hope you have had a good sleep last night.

 

[atwhatcost]

Okay, so I had all these really important things to tell you, but God has said Nah!

So here is what he laid on my heart for you. (I don't really know if this is in proper order, but numbers listing is easier than bullet listing, and I'm giving it in the order he gave me. He also gives me images and incomplete sentences, but I'm going to make it understandable to you. Just so you know I'm not claiming God literally spoke to me. More of a handing over of concepts.)

1. I love you with my whole being. You are my princess. My daughter. My love.

2. Trust me. I know it feels like I wasn't there for you that day, but I was. It wasn't him that chose to leave you before killing you. That was me. I was with you before that day. I was with you on that day. I was with you the days afterward. I am with you. I will eternally be with you. You are never alone, because I am with you caring for you. (And I don't know if this is another thought or the same thought.) There was purpose for that. A purpose for you. A purpose for him. I am just. Justice was served and will be served. For him. Justice for you was served through my love on that cross, so trust I know the pain, but it comes with my love.

3. You do not have to worry about the future. I have taken care of that for you. You do not need to know if you will ever trust a man. You trust me, so I will help you with the things you do not trust. Trust me now. Trust me every now. Today's now and tomorrow's now. You feel broken. You are not. I am the potter. You are my prized gift still in process. I am giving you what you need for today. Keep seeking me day by day and moment by moment so you can trust me more. I will not let you down because you are my beloved, prized daughter.

 

[atwhatcost]

Zoii
Your story just breaks my heart. You have every right to feel the way you do but please, dear sweet girl, don't continue to let satan rob from you. Try to turn some of your anger toward the evil in this world that influences people to sin. Satan has used a vile man to try to destroy your life, probably intending to kill you in that encounter. Now that has failed, so he will use the pain he caused to try to destroy any chance for happiness you have left.

The one thing I really want you to know down deep inside your heart is that men didn't do this to you, the evil in the world that influences men did it to you. There is also a bright light shinning in the world, living inside all men who truly give themselves to it. Let that light burn inside you until it consumes all the pain, bitterness, betrayal, loathing, and confusion. You can emerge from that light a completely different person, reborn and forged even stronger. There can come a time in your life when you will look at the little innocent girl that was so hurt as if she was a different person. You will feel sorrow for her and even pity, but you will completely understand that you are no longer that little hurt girl. God will then use you to bring healing to others like that little girl.

You have my love and prayers.
Randy

When I was raped all I could do was see my shame -- my mistakes, my stupidity, my what-was-I-thinking? I thought I deserved it somehow. I was weak, I was stupid, I was so unprepared. I'm ugly. Something is wrong with me. They completely won and took the one thing I wanted to give freely to a man I loved. No man would want me after that. Stupid men... all the same, bas....!

It kept going. It always came back to how stupid and weak was I that I couldn't stop it? And how creepy are guys? (The guys who raped me were somewhere between above average looking to downright beautiful looking, so if they were like that, was there any chance any guy wasn't like that? There was a belief back then that men who rape were "hard up." Bologna!)

And I got counseling quickly afterwards. And it took quite sometime. And I've imagined ways to punish them that go beyond any folklore or story I've ever heard. I became so dark. I think pitch black might be a lighter shade than I was.

But that was 39 years ago. I look back at that college student now, and think, "Get on with your bad self! You go, girl!" (I'm a 59 year old, frumpy woman, just so you can fully appreciate how much that isn't how I really talk, but about expresses how I feel. lol) I'm kind of proud what I did right. (And I never contacted the police, so I'm fully aware of what I didn't do right.) Ultimately? Five against one and I didn't make it easy for them. They won, but I did well with those odds. I can still remember every shocked look on their face when they were thinking, "She's not supposed to do that."

I'm not ashamed I was raped. One in four woman are. 25% of women aren't doing something wrong, and I am no more going to blame men for that then I'm going to stand up for women who rape men.

Five creeps raped me. They may or may not be creeps to this day. That's up to God. But God was with me that night. I see how some of that serves others. Some of it serves me. It all serves God. I'm not ashamed. If someone has problems with me for being raped, that's on them. Not my problem. If someone has problems with me because I'm not ashamed? What's wrong with you?

 

[lihle]

Zoii you're such a brave, incredible strong young lady. I'm so sorry about what you had to go through and still going through, i admire your strength and courage to talk about this. Hugs and kisses.

 

[PeacefulWarrior]

My shotgun is getting really clean this week.

Prayers for you, Zo.

 

[Leannaix]

Zoii,

You are so strong and I am so proud of you. I don't know what you're feeling and I won't pretend to, but I'm here for you. I hope your attacker gets exactly what he deserves, and that no false stories of conversion set him free. If his conversion was genuine, well, I still don't think that changes anything he did and he still ought to pay the consequences of his actions.

You've become a great friend to me and the person I'm closest to on CC, and I think you are wonderful. Stay strong.

 

[Zoe1234]

Zoii, I just want to give you a hug whenever you need one.

I dont know why this happened to you, but please don't be disappointed in Jesus Christ. He cherishes you more than anything.

 

[shotgunner]

My shotgun is getting really clean this week.

Prayers for you, Zo.

That's the way real men feel about the kind of trash that would harm little girls.

 

[zoii]

Okay, so I had all these really important things to tell you, but God has said Nah!

So here is what he laid on my heart for you. (I don't really know if this is in proper order, but numbers listing is easier than bullet listing, and I'm giving it in the order he gave me. He also gives me images and incomplete sentences, but I'm going to make it understandable to you. Just so you know I'm not claiming God literally spoke to me. More of a handing over of concepts.)

1. I love you with my whole being. You are my princess. My daughter. My love.

2. Trust me. I know it feels like I wasn't there for you that day, but I was. It wasn't him that chose to leave you before killing you. That was me. I was with you before that day. I was with you on that day. I was with you the days afterward. I am with you. I will eternally be with you. You are never alone, because I am with you caring for you. (And I don't know if this is another thought or the same thought.) There was purpose for that. A purpose for you. A purpose for him. I am just. Justice was served and will be served. For him. Justice for you was served through my love on that cross, so trust I know the pain, but it comes with my love.

3. You do not have to worry about the future. I have taken care of that for you. You do not need to know if you will ever trust a man. You trust me, so I will help you with the things you do not trust. Trust me now. Trust me every now. Today's now and tomorrow's now. You feel broken. You are not. I am the potter. You are my prized gift still in process. I am giving you what you need for today. Keep seeking me day by day and moment by moment so you can trust me more. I will not let you down because you are my beloved, prized daughter.

Oh - this was so beautiful - ty

 

[zoii]

When I was raped all I could do was see my shame -- my mistakes, my stupidity, my what-was-I-thinking? I thought I deserved it somehow. I was weak, I was stupid, I was so unprepared. I'm ugly. Something is wrong with me. They completely won and took the one thing I wanted to give freely to a man I loved. No man would want me after that. Stupid men... all the same, bas....!

It kept going. It always came back to how stupid and weak was I that I couldn't stop it? And how creepy are guys? (The guys who raped me were somewhere between above average looking to downright beautiful looking, so if they were like that, was there any chance any guy wasn't like that? There was a belief back then that men who rape were "hard up." Bologna!)

And I got counseling quickly afterwards. And it took quite sometime. And I've imagined ways to punish them that go beyond any folklore or story I've ever heard. I became so dark. I think pitch black might be a lighter shade than I was.

But that was 39 years ago. I look back at that college student now, and think, "Get on with your bad self! You go, girl!" (I'm a 59 year old, frumpy woman, just so you can fully appreciate how much that isn't how I really talk, but about expresses how I feel. lol) I'm kind of proud what I did right. (And I never contacted the police, so I'm fully aware of what I didn't do right.) Ultimately? Five against one and I didn't make it easy for them. They won, but I did well with those odds. I can still remember every shocked look on their face when they were thinking, "She's not supposed to do that."

I'm not ashamed I was raped. One in four woman are. 25% of women aren't doing something wrong, and I am no more going to blame men for that then I'm going to stand up for women who rape men.

Five creeps raped me. They may or may not be creeps to this day. That's up to God. But God was with me that night. I see how some of that serves others. Some of it serves me. It all serves God. I'm not ashamed. If someone has problems with me for being raped, that's on them. Not my problem. If someone has problems with me because I'm not ashamed? What's wrong with you?

Im so sorry - Im at a loss how to respond.

I get absorbed in all this n I think about me me me.. But since I spoke out so many of u have come to me - n I feel tears at the kindness that has been shown to me. I felt very ugly saying this story n I cannot tell u how touched I am with the compassion that has been shown here. I would like to say more to each of u...but im so emo reading these responses that mayb i'll wait so I do justice to the love u all have shown - ty so much
Zoii

 

[shotgunner]

Zoii
It's completely understandable to feel the pain and hurt this horrible attack caused in your life. You have a right to feel everything you are feeling.

What you cannot do sweet girl is to continue to let this attack be the defining moment of your life. You cannot continue to be the helpless victim. You have the power, through Christ in you, to transform your life into anything you desire.

If I were your father I would have you say two things continually.
1. It wasn't my fault.
2. It won't define my life, I have the power to be anything I choose to be.

 

[atwhatcost]

Zoii
It's completely understandable to feel the pain and hurt this horrible attack caused in your life. You have a right to feel everything you are feeling.

What you cannot do sweet girl is to continue to let this attack be the defining moment of your life. You cannot continue to be the helpless victim. You have the power, through Christ in you, to transform your life into anything you desire.

If I were your father I would have you say two things continually.
1. It wasn't my fault.
2. It won't define my life, I have the power to be anything I choose to be.

I was 20 when I was raped. I'm 59 now. It WAS the defining moment of my life. It changed everything. I stopped wasting time thinking Jesus saved me so I could do anything. At that point in time, I was proud I didn't break one commandment. I still didn't break it, but it woke up in me all the selfish desires of sexuality and sex. At least I was 20. Zoii was not. It brought me to my knees. It taught me new depths of humiliation and humbleness before God. It was the first step into getting help for many things that were selfish in me. I look back and can see where I was headed. Not good. But it diverted my path into a good direction -- back to God. I was 20. Zoii was 13.

It did define me. Over the long haul it redefined me and refined me in good ways, although what happened that night was so far from good you'd need a spaceship to get to good.

And "I have the power to be anything I choose to be?" No way! God gave me the power to be what he chooses me to be. That night proved to be the night I learned how little power I really have. That was my redefining realization. Most people never quite understand that most things in life we have no power over. That night showed me that at a young age so I didn't waste my life thinking I'm powerful. God is powerful!

Man is he powerful!!!