Marraige Separation

[zoii]

I have a issue of question dealing with a marriage that ended in separation for the last five years because of him being a alcoholic and not disclosing that to me in the beginning. We have been married for almost 25. I just have not brought myself to divorce him because I don't want to go against Gods feelings about divorse.But have moved on and have a boyfriend I love. I have no love for my husband other than simpathy and do help him because he is ill. I have looked at the dissolution provision lately because it has a fraud clause which I'm interpretating as him not telling me his problem and being a lie in the beginning not disclosing himself as a alcoholic. I went thru almost 20 years of physical abuse from him. Does God really want me not to be happy and move not ever on? I just am so afraid God will punish me if I do this Dissolution to be free to marry again

DebraH - welcome to CC - I see you recently joined. I hope u find love n kindness here and help for your issues. When I got to the part of your post where u suffered physical abuse I must say that was enough for me - on that basis I differ from my friends here and would agree with you in that I would not be returning to a relationship where I was being physically hurt - and with alcoholism often comes verbal and psychological abuse as well. I would never ever advocate sending a woman back into a situation of domestic violence until that man could very clearly demonstrate he was 100% rehabilitated (which is uncommon).

I wish you all the best for your life
Zoii

 

[DebraH]

What I've learned is God hates divorce. But He knows my heart and I choose not to live by the law but by him dying for our sins. I will trust him to forgive me for he knows my heart and knows I was betrayed from the beginning. A lie of omission from my husband in the beginning of the marraige and the fact that the dissolution law which is in the books by God's Grace I truely believe was allowed by God because he allows it certain circumstances. My marraige was over when my husband starting abusing alcohol and me.

 

[atwhatcost]

What I've learned is God hates divorce. But He knows my heart and I choose not to live by the law but by him dying for our sins. I will trust him to forgive me for he knows my heart and knows I was betrayed from the beginning. A lie of omission from my husband in the beginning of the marraige and the fact that the dissolution law which is in the books by God's Grace I truely believe was allowed by God because he allows it certain circumstances. My marraige was over when my husband starting abusing alcohol and me.

This lie of omission thingy isn't biblical. You've learned that elsewhere. You've gotten the "fraud clause" and "dissolution provision" somewhere else too, which is doubly bad because even getting it from somewhere else you still feel the need to "interpret."

You've said you seek God's answer, so why are you looking everywhere but from the Bible for your answer? Look at these words you're picking up even now, even here. You trust God to accept your sin of betrayal? Seriously? Then why don't you accept your husband's sin of betrayal over and over again? The least you should do is accept that you're betraying God as often as your hubby betrayed you. What's the difference? If you think God easily forgives you and lets you keep on sinning on and on, then give the same thing to your husband. Let him keep sinning on and on with you and just love him no matter what. (Did your "interpretation" just come to a grinding halt there? Good it should have. Seriously, if you think God thinks it's no big thing for you to cheat, why should you make it any big thing that your husband betrayed you by abusing you?)

You keep telling what you truly believe but you're not basing it on what God says, so should you truly believe what you truly believe?

Which way are you going to play this? Do you really want to do whatever you want to do and play the martyr, or are you following God?

One request. If you do decide to keep everything just the way it is, just stop calling yourself a Christian, since you've shown no resolve to find out what Christ wants from you now, once more any desire to follow him.

 

[Consumed]

This lie of omission thingy isn't biblical. You've learned that elsewhere. You've gotten the "fraud clause" and "dissolution provision" somewhere else too, which is doubly bad because even getting it from somewhere else you still feel the need to "interpret."

You've said you seek God's answer, so why are you looking everywhere but from the Bible for your answer? Look at these words you're picking up even now, even here. You trust God to accept your sin of betrayal? Seriously? Then why don't you accept your husband's sin of betrayal over and over again? The least you should do is accept that you're betraying God as often as your hubby betrayed you. What's the difference? If you think God easily forgives you and lets you keep on sinning on and on, then give the same thing to your husband. Let him keep sinning on and on with you and just love him no matter what. (Did your "interpretation" just come to a grinding halt there? Good it should have. Seriously, if you think God thinks it's no big thing for you to cheat, why should you make it any big thing that your husband betrayed you by abusing you?)

You keep telling what you truly believe but you're not basing it on what God says, so should you truly believe what you truly believe?

Which way are you going to play this? Do you really want to do whatever you want to do and play the martyr, or are you following God?

One request. If you do decide to keep everything just the way it is, just stop calling yourself a Christian, since you've shown no resolve to find out what Christ wants from you now, once more any desire to follow him.

You may want to learn something called empathy and actually sympathize with someone if you want them to heed your advice rather than bash them over the head and insult them

 

[BarlyGurl]

You may want to learn something called empathy and actually sympathize with someone if you want them to heed your advice rather than bash them over the head and insult them

So I conclude from your comment "EMPATHY" from you is merely a tool to manipulate another to take your advice because you want them to FEEL GOOD... doesn't matter if it IS GOOD.

 

[Consumed]

That response wasn't addressed at you, and no, it's not a manipulation tool, it's basic respect.

 

[Consumed]

I'm not saying she should take my advice, I'm saying if you want her to heed yours you might try coming off in a less hostile manner

 

[atwhatcost]

I'm not saying she should take my advice, I'm saying if you want her to heed yours you might try coming off in a less hostile manner

Check the whole thread. I did. So what happened? She accepted another non-biblical concept from you -- "toxic relationship."

I'm saying this -- God does NOT give us his will through 20th and 21st century self-help books. He shows it through his word and through The Word.

Keep pretending it's modern self help and you can turn it into anything you want but God's will. When a person is willing to face the real God for real answers, that leaves one think left -- the right thing to do in the right situation with assurance that it is truly what GOD believes.

 

[Consumed]

Check the whole thread. I did. So what happened? She accepted another non-biblical concept from you -- "toxic relationship."

I'm saying this -- God does NOT give us his will through 20th and 21st century self-help books. He shows it through his word and through The Word.

Keep pretending it's modern self help and you can turn it into anything you want but God's will. When a person is willing to face the real God for real answers, that leaves one think left -- the right thing to do in the right situation with assurance that it is truly what GOD believes.

You obviously didn't read my entire post if all you saw was "toxic relationship". And you very much do not know me if you think I don't read my bible or take it seriously. Please stop being a troll, and bug somebody else

 

[atwhatcost]

You obviously didn't read my entire post if all you saw was "toxic relationship". And you very much do not know me if you think I don't read my bible or take it seriously. Please stop being a troll, and bug somebody else

Exactly! I don't know you. That's a two-way street. (You don't know me either.) BUT this is certainly not about getting to know each other. It's how to learn God's will in a particular marriage.

That excludes:
-- This is what happened to me.
-- I know just how you feel.
-- God told me to tell you.
-- God says... each and every time.
-- You should...

None of that is significant. What is significant is that she stops trusting self-help books and starts trusting God.

Got a problem with that? Fine. Start a thread.

 

[Angela53510]

Under no circumstances should you go back to an alcoholic abuser. If he did not change in 25 years, he is not about to change now.

You need to get a divorce, and free yourself from this man. God does NOT want you to be hurt or abused.

BUT, and this is a BIG but - you need to get out of this boyfriend relationship. It sounds like you have rebounded. Jumped out of the frying pan, into the fire. If this man is an atheist, your life is going to be more difficult than the one you had with your abusive husband. You will be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.

If you are living with him, you need to stop. And do not live with him, even after the divorce goes through. Please find an abuse center and get abuse counseling, preferably both group and individual counseling. Then you will be able to see the dynamics of Battered Wife Syndrome, which it sounds like you have the potential to have happen again.

If the new boyfriend is really "nice" to you, it could just be the first stages of the Cycle of Abuse. The "honeymoon" period.

Please read this link, and do NOT go back to the abusive husband, because this time he could be successful in killing you. And please leave this new boyfriend!

Cycle of Abuse

 

[DebraH]

Thank you for your comments. I'm not living with the boyfriend and am not going to be with the husband. I cannot believe however Gods Grace will not be with me if I continue to pray. I really believe some are too legalistic. And that in my mind totally invalidates the reason God died for our sins. Yeah he don't like divorse but I cannot believe it is a unpardonable sin.

 

[Omni]

I have a issue of question dealing with a marriage that ended in separation for the last five years because of him being a alcoholic and not disclosing that to me in the beginning. We have been married for almost 25. I just have not brought myself to divorce him because I don't want to go against Gods feelings about divorse.But have moved on and have a boyfriend I love. I have no love for my husband other than simpathy and do help him because he is ill. I have looked at the dissolution provision lately because it has a fraud clause which I'm interpretating as him not telling me his problem and being a lie in the beginning not disclosing himself as a alcoholic. I went thru almost 20 years of physical abuse from him. Does God really want me not to be happy and move not ever on? I just am so afraid God will punish me if I do this Dissolution to be free to marry again

Seems to me like being in a relationship with a loving boyfriend but having a little fear of God, is much better than having no fear of God but a husband who beats you. If God detests shedding innocent blood more than divorce, then God detests you being with your woman-beater husband more than he detests you being with your boyfriend.

No human is under any obligation to stay with a partner who beats them. That's the opposite of what a partner is meant to do.

 

[Omni]

Under no circumstances should you go back to an alcoholic abuser. If he did not change in 25 years, he is not about to change now.

You need to get a divorce, and free yourself from this man. God does NOT want you to be hurt or abused.

BUT, and this is a BIG but - you need to get out of this boyfriend relationship. It sounds like you have rebounded. Jumped out of the frying pan, into the fire. If this man is an atheist, your life is going to be more difficult than the one you had with your abusive husband. You will be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.

If you are living with him, you need to stop. And do not live with him, even after the divorce goes through. Please find an abuse center and get abuse counseling, preferably both group and individual counseling. Then you will be able to see the dynamics of Battered Wife Syndrome, which it sounds like you have the potential to have happen again.

If the new boyfriend is really "nice" to you, it could just be the first stages of the Cycle of Abuse. The "honeymoon" period.

Please read this link, and do NOT go back to the abusive husband, because this time he could be successful in killing you. And please leave this new boyfriend!

Cycle of Abuse

So you're telling us that being with an atheist who treats her right is going to be harder for the OP than being with a "Christian" who beats her? So essentially, the loving, non-abusive man who doesn't profess belief in God, is worse than the lying, violent scumbag who professes to be saved from his sins?

That's screwed up.

 

[atwhatcost]

Thank you for your comments. I'm not living with the boyfriend and am not going to be with the husband. I cannot believe however Gods Grace will not be with me if I continue to pray. I really believe some are too legalistic. And that in my mind totally invalidates the reason God died for our sins. Yeah he don't like divorse but I cannot believe it is a unpardonable sin.

So you'll just pray and trust God to give you everything you need to know from that? What's the Bible about then?

(I'm also surprised you're thinking everyone is being "legalistic" when the vast majority told you to divorce. The rest? We didn't say one way or the other. So much for hearing what you want to hear, instead of learning from God.)

 

[atwhatcost]

Under no circumstances should you go back to an alcoholic abuser. If he did not change in 25 years, he is not about to change now.

You need to get a divorce, and free yourself from this man. God does NOT want you to be hurt or abused.

BUT, and this is a BIG but - you need to get out of this boyfriend relationship. It sounds like you have rebounded. Jumped out of the frying pan, into the fire. If this man is an atheist, your life is going to be more difficult than the one you had with your abusive husband. You will be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.

If you are living with him, you need to stop. And do not live with him, even after the divorce goes through. Please find an abuse center and get abuse counseling, preferably both group and individual counseling. Then you will be able to see the dynamics of Battered Wife Syndrome, which it sounds like you have the potential to have happen again.

If the new boyfriend is really "nice" to you, it could just be the first stages of the Cycle of Abuse. The "honeymoon" period.

Please read this link, and do NOT go back to the abusive husband, because this time he could be successful in killing you. And please leave this new boyfriend!

Cycle of Abuse

Actually, he can't abuse her anymore, so this is why it would have been good for her to learn what the Bible says, instead of telling her a personal message from God through us. Have you seen how many personal messages from God she's received on this thread? How is she supposed to pick out "the right message?"

(Answer to that question, Debra, is to quit counting on advice on here and seek God through his word, instead of just sitting back and praying. Praying's good, but since God doesn't do audibles often anymore, immersed in his word is his specific answer for you. I know I can't give you an answer, because I'm not him and your situation is unique.)

 

[atwhatcost]

So you're telling us that being with an atheist who treats her right is going to be harder for the OP than being with a "Christian" who beats her? So essentially, the loving, non-abusive man who doesn't profess belief in God, is worse than the lying, violent scumbag who professes to be saved from his sins?

That's screwed up.

Again, spoken by someone who doesn't know the subject, but still opining.

 

[Omni]

Again, spoken by someone who doesn't know the subject, but still opining.

You're wrong.

Romans 13:1-2 is an instruction to obey the civil authorities' laws (domestic violence is illegal, divorce is not. She could have her husband prosecuted)
1 Corinthians 13 - The definition of love -- patent, kind, not self serving, forgiving, not hot tempered, unbegrudging, not envious, not boasting, not rude; certainly not violent then.
Ephesians 5:25 - The instruction for a husband to love his wife.
Collossians 3:19 - Another instruction for husbands not to be harsh towards their wives.

Is the OP's marriage full of kindness, patience, forgiveness? No. It's full of anger, resentment, and violence. There's clearly no love in it. Perhaps, to you, there's no right choice in the situation (if she divorces there are sins, if she stays married there are sins), but in my eyes there's a clearly right choice -- not being with a wife-beater.

To add to that; her husband has put her through 25 years of alcoholism and domestic abuse. He's no more "Christian" than her boyfriend is. The only difference between her boyfriend and her husband is that her boyfriend freely admits he's not religious; at least he's honest and treats her right.

 

[DebraH]

Thank you!

 

[atwhatcost]

You're wrong.

Romans 13:1-2 is an instruction to obey the civil authorities' laws (domestic violence is illegal, divorce is not. She could have her husband prosecuted)
1 Corinthians 13 - The definition of love -- patent, kind, not self serving, forgiving, not hot tempered, unbegrudging, not envious, not boasting, not rude; certainly not violent then.
Ephesians 5:25 - The instruction for a husband to love his wife.
Collossians 3:19 - Another instruction for husbands not to be harsh towards their wives.

Is the OP's marriage full of kindness, patience, forgiveness? No. It's full of anger, resentment, and violence. There's clearly no love in it. Perhaps, to you, there's no right choice in the situation (if she divorces there are sins, if she stays married there are sins), but in my eyes there's a clearly right choice -- not being with a wife-beater.

To add to that; her husband has put her through 25 years of alcoholism and domestic abuse. He's no more "Christian" than her boyfriend is. The only difference between her boyfriend and her husband is that her boyfriend freely admits he's not religious; at least he's honest and treats her right.

Again, spoken by someone who doesn't know the subject matter in two ways:
1. Doesn't know God.
2. Hasn't read what Debra wrote.

You are just so full of yourself. I've got no problems with this marriage is over. Then again:
1. I'm NOT God.
2. Debra, out of the goodness of her heart, is actually taken care of that same husband now that he is unable to take care of himself.

She's really a very kind, compassionate woman. I don't think I could stomach it. (Then, once again, this goes back to "I'm not God," like too many keep assuming they are, including you. I don't really have to worry if I could stomach it, because God never put me in that situation to find out. No doubt, she's an amazing woman to do this.)

I don't know what a person does when she stays with someone she used to love, long long ago, before he abused her for decades. Does she divorce him and stay with him to care for him? Does she stay married to him? What does she do with the BF? I know she is still married, so she's not supposed to be dating. (And I didn't go assuming she was having sex with the BF. Was never my place to ask or assume. Not my business, although none of this is, other than she asked for advice.)

She is a very, very kind woman. But the same question remains with an answer only she can learn from studying God's word. What to do about all this?

I can give the law. I can give what God's grace is, but I cannot/WILL NOT take on the role of God and tell her what she should do. I trust God enough for HIM to do that, if she but check out his word and listen to him.

That's the only truth I know. AND that truth? THAT truth will give her the peace of mind to know what decisions she makes in all this mess. And God will give her his grace and ability to do as she reads he wants her to do. (Personally, I can't think it could be harder than what she's doing now, so she would enjoy having that grace as well as that boulder of doubt she's been carrying on this time.)

So, yup. Still above your head on understanding God and Debra's problems.