Asking for honest feedback

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Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#1
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#1
I work at being aware of what I say to others, and to how it might land. I try to listen to what the person I am responding to is saying and thinking like it were my own words.

So it was a surprise to me when a member accused me of bullying other people on this forum, and has said that other people agree with the assessment of me being a bully. I went to this person in a PM, but they will not tell me where I have bullied others so that I can make amends to those I've hurt, or see evidence of the behavior so I can change it.

I don't want to behave in a bullying fashion, so if I have done this to you, or treated you unkindly and you've been afraid to approach me about it, I welcome your correction. I mess stuff up all the time, and I would love for my errors to be kindly brought to my attention. Now, I am not looking for a pat on the back, I really do want you to tell me if I have gotten it wrong where you are concerned. If you don't feel comfy posting here, please do pm me. Links and/or quotes would be helpful.

(Please be kind, can you imagine opening yourself up to the board like this? This is scary, but if I am wrong, I'd rather be corrected than stupidly act cruelly to others.)

Otherwise, I will chalk this up to this person trolling me.

Thanks!
Ole
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#2
Mar 13, 2014
42,595
17,062
113
69
Tennessee
#2
You certainly are not a bully but rather kind and considerate.
 
M

MissCris

Guest
#3
#3
Honest opinion here: NO. The person that said that is the bully. And the people supporting that person are choosing to look the other way about the bullying behavior, or they're also bullies.

Truly, read through this person's posts and responses to people- and then compare them to your posts. You are often almost overly careful to make sure people understand your tone, and that you are not wanting to assume anything. This person...stirs people up for fun and then acts like a victim when people even so much as simply disagree.

You are not a bully. And I'd be of the same opinion even if I didn't already think you're wonderful.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#4
Jun 30, 2015
25,487
13,792
113
#4
Olerica said:
... So it was a surprise to me when a member accused me of bullying other people on this forum, and has said that other people agree with the assessment of me being a bully.
Click to expand...
Your posts which I have read come across as respectful and kind. I can see how some of your more direct comments may be interpreted as unpleasant, but not bullying, IMHO. You are careful to frame them with grace. It is also worthy of respect that you open yourself to criticism publicly in order to right an apparent wrong.

BTW, claiming that others agree with one's position, as quoted above, is a logical fallacy called an appeal to common belief. Ignore it. Rather, hold your head up and trust the Lord to bring conviction, if perchance any is needed. :)
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#5
Aug 13, 2014
27,382
9,388
113
#5
Olerica: I have not seen anywhere on the forum where you were a bully.

I could say a lot more than that but I will refrain.
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#6
#6
MissCris said:
Honest opinion here: NO. The person that said that is the bully. And the people supporting that person are choosing to look the other way about the bullying behavior, or they're also bullies.

Truly, read through this person's posts and responses to people- and then compare them to your posts. You are often almost overly careful to make sure people understand your tone, and that you are not wanting to assume anything. This person...stirs people up for fun and then acts like a victim when people even so much as simply disagree.

You are not a bully. And I'd be of the same opinion even if I didn't already think you're wonderful.
Click to expand...
I have to agree. I've never read anything. You're fine. However, I do want to take exception with the above poster. I feel as though her answer was overly zealous. She could have just said what I said - "no, everiything's good" but in her long diatribe she created an antagonist, a protagonist, then concluded with comments concerning your wonderfulness. Way outside the bounds, I felt. It sounded a little like ...say... a congressman for instance who might be ....... receiving some kind of benefit for their support of an issue. They might have some kind of diffident strategy in their defense. A payoff, one could say.

So I began to retrace some past events concerning any secondary relationship between the above poster and the defendant and a single word emerged that tore away this ... facade, this curtain of flamboyant support. The word was.......... cheesecake.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#7
Aug 13, 2014
27,382
9,388
113
#7
*Lynx crams a paw in his mouth and walks away quickly, muffled snickers trailing behind him.
 
F

Faithful_Fay

Guest
#8
#8
I haven't been the most prolific poster on CC, I come here more to read, but I can try to give you an honest assessment. I've observed you to be one of the kinder folk to be found here. Your gentleness comes across very well, as does your patience. You seem to try earnestly to avoid coming across as unkind and work very hard to understand people. That's not something that I can say for many, myself included.

I read the thread that I think that I think you're referring to and frankly the whole thing was odd. I chalk it up to there being some personalities that you just won't ever understand, and definitely not worth losing your peace. Keep doing what you're doing.
 
B

BarlyGurl

Guest
#9
#9
NOWHERE have I noticed you ever communicating in any way that could REMOTELY be construed as "bullying".
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#10
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#10
Olerica said:
I work at being aware of what I say to others, and to how it might land. I try to listen to what the person I am responding to is saying and thinking like it were my own words.

So it was a surprise to me when a member accused me of bullying other people on this forum, and has said that other people agree with the assessment of me being a bully. I went to this person in a PM, but they will not tell me where I have bullied others so that I can make amends to those I've hurt, or see evidence of the behavior so I can change it.

I don't want to behave in a bullying fashion, so if I have done this to you, or treated you unkindly and you've been afraid to approach me about it, I welcome your correction. I mess stuff up all the time, and I would love for my errors to be kindly brought to my attention. Now, I am not looking for a pat on the back, I really do want you to tell me if I have gotten it wrong where you are concerned. If you don't feel comfy posting here, please do pm me. Links and/or quotes would be helpful.

(Please be kind, can you imagine opening yourself up to the board like this? This is scary, but if I am wrong, I'd rather be corrected than stupidly act cruelly to others.)

Otherwise, I will chalk this up to this person trolling me.

Thanks!
Ole
Click to expand...
Don't feel lonely. Robin accused me of bullying the whole forum.
 
M

MollyConnor

Guest
#11
#11
I think you're a sweet lady! Some people on here just troll or attack others for their own enjoyment. It's sick really.
 
M

missfairy

Guest
#12
#12
MissCris said:
Honest opinion here: NO. The person that said that is the bully. And the people supporting that person are choosing to look the other way about the bullying behavior, or they're also bullies.

Truly, read through this person's posts and responses to people- and then compare them to your posts. You are often almost overly careful to make sure people understand your tone, and that you are not wanting to assume anything. This person...stirs people up for fun and then acts like a victim when people even so much as simply disagree.

You are not a bully. And I'd be of the same opinion even if I didn't already think you're wonderful.
Click to expand...
I agree with MissCriss on this, Olerica you have been very kind and considerate whenever seeing you in chat or in forums. I know I am new but I still can tell you are not a bully. I have been bullied myself by someone on here recently, so I understand. At first I thought they were just confused about my manner of trying to post verses in the room or edify others because they said I was acting "holier than thou", but even after trying to let them know that I am a kind-hearted person just simply trying to praise and edify through posting verses they said other things that were blatantly hurtful and unkind. I have since tried to converse with them about it and they have still continued to make fun of me in chat and be mean... so I've decided to stay away from this person, as I believe they are are trolling me and I am going to turn the other cheek :)
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#13
#13
No, you're certainly not a bully. Many of us have all been called bullies at some point of our life at CC. Sometimes it was warranted and we needed to learn to show more love along with God's truth. But most of the time it wasn't warranted and people were just trolling us. You wouldn't believe the kind of crap some people get up to here. It would boggle your mind. Sister, you're innocent in this regard. Myth busted!
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#14
Aug 13, 2014
27,382
9,388
113
#14
*Lynx scrolls up...

Okay Olerica, that should do it. I think we have enough responses to declare the results are in. Worries ended. :cool:
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#15
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#15
Thank you so much for your kind replies. Wow, I'm glad that the way I see people and the way I intend to come across to people is visible.

THAT SAID

Should anyone have an issue with me please let me know. I am messy and selfish and I'm going to get it wrong sometimes. If I do, I hope you will call me on it. I don't mind some healthy confrontation.

It's wise for us as Christians to be teachable. I don't know any Christian who is perfected yet here on earth (am I opening a can of worms?) as Paul states we are still under construction till the day of Jesus Christ, and I pray we can all continue in grace with each other.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#16
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#16
Well, since you brought it up......... No, never mind. ;)
 
PoetMary

PoetMary

Banned
#17
Nov 25, 2014
942
44
0
#17
First, if you WERE a bully, you'd not be concerned about being perceived as a bully. You'd presume that you were in the right and that other people are too stupid, weak, or spiritually lacking to realize it.

Secondly, the use of the word "bully" was (ironically) a bullying tactic. It was the application of a deliberately loaded word in an attempt to shut you (and others) up because you presented a dissenting opinion. Because you are a soft-hearted person, the additional application of "and others have seen it too" (completely manipulative, illogical baloney) was the cherry on top.

You are not remotely a bully. You consistently convey tolerance and kindness. You consistently attempt to put yourself in someone else's position and truly understand their point of view. You're sensitive, empathetic, and funny....but you're not a bully.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#18
Aug 13, 2014
27,382
9,388
113
#18
Oh good, I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed the baloney. I also noticed the "it's not just me," "I'm not the only one who thinks so" and "others are saying it too" stuff. As a former chat mod I saw it a lot. Someone has an argument with someone else, first thing they do is try to get someone else to agree with them so they can feel they are right. And boy do they ever make it known when someone does agree with them.

To wit: common "I'm gonna prove I'm right and you're wrong" tactic. Glad someone else caught it. ;)
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#19
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#19
Thanks Mary, Lynx (et al).

The problem is.... well, I see myself as impatient and having grown up in a very legalistic environment, I fight those voices from my childhood. And I am so very, very aware of how blessed I am that God has chosen to treat me with grace and mercy. God is so GOOD. So much better than us. (duh, God.)

Anyway, I can be immovable. I can be stubborn and rigid. So, that word triggers in me a fear that I am behaving (at worst) or coming across as a bully.
 
kodiak

kodiak

Senior Member
#20
Mar 8, 2015
4,995
290
83
#20
I never saw you bully anyone.....you certainly have been nothing but nice to me.
 
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