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A
What was she doing while you were out in the yard? If hubby is off doing his thing, that tells me I can go off to do my thing. He doesn't need me then. That could well be what she got out of your response.
I was thinking more along the lines of since she wanted to stay in, then make some popcorn and play her favorite movie to watch together. Let her know you'll make dinner that night. It's her day off. What does she hate to do for chores? Do it for her. What does she like to eat? Make it for her. What's her favorite hobby? (Okay, so maybe shopping, but besides that?) Set up a spot for her to do her hobby. Get interested in it with her. Show her you love her through simple acts.
If need be, call your MIL to tell her next weekend is your time with her. When you went out into the yard she was alone again too. You are two ships passing through the night, but you're trying extraordinary means when she has to first trust small measures in you.
She doesn't want counseling? Okay, but you sure could use some. A counselor can help you with the small things way better than strangers online. And that person is on your side, so you know you're being heard.
(Personally, I think you did a great job communicating your need the first time too. I was vague by what I said, but I was vague because I hoped you would think creatively specifically for her. I don't know her, so I can't do it like you can.)
I was thinking more along the lines of since she wanted to stay in, then make some popcorn and play her favorite movie to watch together. Let her know you'll make dinner that night. It's her day off. What does she hate to do for chores? Do it for her. What does she like to eat? Make it for her. What's her favorite hobby? (Okay, so maybe shopping, but besides that?) Set up a spot for her to do her hobby. Get interested in it with her. Show her you love her through simple acts.
If need be, call your MIL to tell her next weekend is your time with her. When you went out into the yard she was alone again too. You are two ships passing through the night, but you're trying extraordinary means when she has to first trust small measures in you.
She doesn't want counseling? Okay, but you sure could use some. A counselor can help you with the small things way better than strangers online. And that person is on your side, so you know you're being heard.
(Personally, I think you did a great job communicating your need the first time too. I was vague by what I said, but I was vague because I hoped you would think creatively specifically for her. I don't know her, so I can't do it like you can.)
J
A person can be depressed and lonely despite being loved and surrounded by people. Depression sets no limits as to how great one's life is and where they are in life. If a person feels empty and doesn't find life worth living for what ever the case, it should raise concern.
So, OP, don't suppress your issues since they are relevant. I would advise for you to seek help even if it's just you getting it.
So, OP, don't suppress your issues since they are relevant. I would advise for you to seek help even if it's just you getting it.
D
Yes I understand how my going out to do yard work could be misunderstood. I guess I was thinking that if she wanted to be with me that she would have suggested me to hang with her inside. I don't know I'm all confused. I hate living in limbo not knowing where this marriage is going. The way I feel right this second is if we are gonna end it then let's end it and stop trying to stop a runaway train but if we want it to work then we both have to try because I feel like a fool
P
The old hum drum blues seems to have caught up with you and wifey huh? Had a spell of that myself.
Kids are doing there thing, house is in order, bills are being ment and me and the misses are board.
I get so lonely and depressed I would leave to go fishing, huh let her curl up on the sofa and watch her programs.
Then one day I asked her along and she said yeah why not. Big mistake I had to show her how to cast, bait the book everything but sit down for her...what a pain. Then it happened big old bass and her got into it. With a smile on her face and a big scream
She landed her first fish. Wasn't long before the second and third was on shore.
We started talking and laughing again just like newlyweds. We even agreed to change our eating habits because being in the 40ish mark left us a little more thicker and a little less quicker.
We found out that age and lifestyle had a little to do with our feelings of boredom and depression. Not saying that seeking the Lord won't help but age and lifestyle could use a bit of change to. 40ish is not old but the body starts to change its metabolism
Plays with the mind a bit. Got thirty two years with my one and only ...best fishin partner ever...a bit slower now that she's 60.
Even baits her own hook.
Kids are doing there thing, house is in order, bills are being ment and me and the misses are board.
I get so lonely and depressed I would leave to go fishing, huh let her curl up on the sofa and watch her programs.
Then one day I asked her along and she said yeah why not. Big mistake I had to show her how to cast, bait the book everything but sit down for her...what a pain. Then it happened big old bass and her got into it. With a smile on her face and a big scream
She landed her first fish. Wasn't long before the second and third was on shore.
We started talking and laughing again just like newlyweds. We even agreed to change our eating habits because being in the 40ish mark left us a little more thicker and a little less quicker.
We found out that age and lifestyle had a little to do with our feelings of boredom and depression. Not saying that seeking the Lord won't help but age and lifestyle could use a bit of change to. 40ish is not old but the body starts to change its metabolism
Plays with the mind a bit. Got thirty two years with my one and only ...best fishin partner ever...a bit slower now that she's 60.
Even baits her own hook.
Sir, The best thing you can do for yourself is to seek therapy. The depression you are experiencing is great and it will affect your daughter as much as any other loss. From there, seek services, either an ARMHS or CPS worker to visit occasionally and perhaps even a support group...all of these are available through your county human services. Seek a Christian therapist. It should be a better fit. If none of those feel comfortable, at least seek other men - either bowling or a bible study or both through your church. Speak to your minister. They are counselors as well. I know these things because I have a mental illness and have been divorced. I work in this capacity and follow these guidelines for myself which is how I am able to help others. Praying for you and your family. Be blessed!
[SUP]7 [/SUP]For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
[SUP]7 [/SUP]For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
So life has come down to this for you? Who or what has robbed the joy of your salvation? What church or CHRISTIAN group are you a part of? Where is your BIBLE, a definite source of spiritual strength. So, based purely on your emotions and feelings, you base your entire life on this? WOW....yes..you may get 1,000's of prayers promised to you here, online...but what you really need is a walk with JESUS, hand in hand...HIS spirit inside of YOU..to push that dark spirit that you are wrapped up in away. We see NO spiritual growth shown here...when that side of you suffers, ALL of you suffers. Also..there is OLD BAGGAGE that you have been carrying around too long that needs to be dumped in the garbage. Only the Holy spirit and your desire for CHRIST can improve your mental attitude here. That is a choice YOU have to make yourself..and stick with it.
A
Let's reverse this. Say she left you three years ago for a while. Worse yet, she didn't even leave the house. Instead she self-medicated and disappeared into that. How would you feel about her then? What would you do with yourself while she is there, but not there? I would imagine it feels pretty much like what you're feeling now.
But you're a good man, so when she asked if she could come back, you said Yes. BUT would you trust her to stay? Wouldn't a part of you hold back, forever wondering, "will she take off again?" Wouldn't you wait for the other shoe to drop because you sorely remember when she left the last time? What happens to you if you do trust her and then she backs away again? Wouldn't that just crush you?
Turn this around again. That's exactly what you did to her and what she fears now. Yes! She is a good woman. If she wasn't:
a. You wouldn't have married her.
b. She wouldn't have been willing to take you back when you cleaned up.
She is a good woman, but she's waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you're meeting the woman who was on her own the entire time you self-medicated. She developed new habits, and those habits helped her cope with the husband who left her, but never went away.
You're lonely. I really get that. I'm choking back tears because I truly truly know that feeling from my screw ups. (And yes, related to doing drugs too, so I really get you're not a bad guy.You made bad choices and it lasted a while.) I get that. You're a good man. You really are. I can tell, because you long for her.
So, you're waiting for her to come to you and she's waiting for a sign for you to come to her. BUT you're both waiting for the other shoes to fall. It might well fall. It's quite likely to fall. Just stop assuming it's desertion. If it was that, it would have already happened.
Stop playing women's games. (Women's games -- he should know what I'm thinking and do it without me ever telling him that. Hey, I don't get it either, but it is a game usually done by women. lol) NO! Honestly. Marriage doesn't mean telepathy, and take that from someone who has been married for 35 years. I keep thinking I should know what he's thinking by now, but I'm wrong so often, I have absolutely no idea why I keep thinking that. lol
Stop guessing what she wants. Stop making her guess what you want. You left her for a while. She doesn't want grand illustrations that you're back for good. She doesn't want flowers, jewelry, big cruises, furs, and fancy cars. he wants you back. She wants to know you are there for her. For her! Not the handyman! (Although, honestly nice when we get guys who are also handymen.) Are you here for her? And "there" doesn't mean for sex. It sounds like she doesn't trust enough yet to be intimate. And it's called intimate for a reason -- it's very intimate exposing all ourselves to the other -- inside and out.
Start little. She wanted to stay in. Okay, give her something she liked while she stayed in. (Thus her favorite movie.) That was safe for both of you. You sit back, in the same room for 1.5-3 hours. (I just noticed something. Most chick flicks are short. Why is that? I wouldn't be surprised to learn it's because men can't hack them if they were longer, and women are always thinking of what to do next, so any longer and we'd feel guilty. Just guessing, but I'm also reminding you of dumb stuff that didn't seem all that important before all this happened, and yet it really was stuff you and her might talk about without getting all wrapped up in something deep. Probably memories of fun conversations you and she had before the first shoe dropped. Remember those times, and use them to reconnect.) The only conversation had during that time might be laughing at a line, looking for the box of tissues, or smirking at something you both think is dumb. It's a step towards reconnecting. And it's safe.
You're leaping for the reconnection, but it's baby steps. Will he be there for me, when I'm sick? Will he be there for me when I don't feel like making dinner? Will he be there for me when the battery dies or a tire goes flat? Will he be there for me if I sluff? Will he be there for me?
Number one question spouses want to know. Both spouses, not just the wife. Going outside to futz in the yard? I'm guessing you like yard work, so that was for you. You have forgotten what it is to do "for her" in small ways. You're terrified this is it forever. SO IS SHE! She took the first step -- staying with you. That was incredibly brave. Read the posts on this board. Notice how many people are advising others to bail on their marriage at the first sign of trouble. That she did that is going against social norm anymore, so that really was brave. Keep proving to her it was a good first step. Prove it to her because you love her. She took that step because she loves you. But both of you are terrified at what next.
And once again, this is what I see as an outside. This is the stuff a counselor will help you in a more personal way.
But you're a good man, so when she asked if she could come back, you said Yes. BUT would you trust her to stay? Wouldn't a part of you hold back, forever wondering, "will she take off again?" Wouldn't you wait for the other shoe to drop because you sorely remember when she left the last time? What happens to you if you do trust her and then she backs away again? Wouldn't that just crush you?
Turn this around again. That's exactly what you did to her and what she fears now. Yes! She is a good woman. If she wasn't:
a. You wouldn't have married her.
b. She wouldn't have been willing to take you back when you cleaned up.
She is a good woman, but she's waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you're meeting the woman who was on her own the entire time you self-medicated. She developed new habits, and those habits helped her cope with the husband who left her, but never went away.
You're lonely. I really get that. I'm choking back tears because I truly truly know that feeling from my screw ups. (And yes, related to doing drugs too, so I really get you're not a bad guy.You made bad choices and it lasted a while.) I get that. You're a good man. You really are. I can tell, because you long for her.
So, you're waiting for her to come to you and she's waiting for a sign for you to come to her. BUT you're both waiting for the other shoes to fall. It might well fall. It's quite likely to fall. Just stop assuming it's desertion. If it was that, it would have already happened.
Stop playing women's games. (Women's games -- he should know what I'm thinking and do it without me ever telling him that. Hey, I don't get it either, but it is a game usually done by women. lol) NO! Honestly. Marriage doesn't mean telepathy, and take that from someone who has been married for 35 years. I keep thinking I should know what he's thinking by now, but I'm wrong so often, I have absolutely no idea why I keep thinking that. lol
Stop guessing what she wants. Stop making her guess what you want. You left her for a while. She doesn't want grand illustrations that you're back for good. She doesn't want flowers, jewelry, big cruises, furs, and fancy cars. he wants you back. She wants to know you are there for her. For her! Not the handyman! (Although, honestly nice when we get guys who are also handymen.) Are you here for her? And "there" doesn't mean for sex. It sounds like she doesn't trust enough yet to be intimate. And it's called intimate for a reason -- it's very intimate exposing all ourselves to the other -- inside and out.
Start little. She wanted to stay in. Okay, give her something she liked while she stayed in. (Thus her favorite movie.) That was safe for both of you. You sit back, in the same room for 1.5-3 hours. (I just noticed something. Most chick flicks are short. Why is that? I wouldn't be surprised to learn it's because men can't hack them if they were longer, and women are always thinking of what to do next, so any longer and we'd feel guilty. Just guessing, but I'm also reminding you of dumb stuff that didn't seem all that important before all this happened, and yet it really was stuff you and her might talk about without getting all wrapped up in something deep. Probably memories of fun conversations you and she had before the first shoe dropped. Remember those times, and use them to reconnect.) The only conversation had during that time might be laughing at a line, looking for the box of tissues, or smirking at something you both think is dumb. It's a step towards reconnecting. And it's safe.
You're leaping for the reconnection, but it's baby steps. Will he be there for me, when I'm sick? Will he be there for me when I don't feel like making dinner? Will he be there for me when the battery dies or a tire goes flat? Will he be there for me if I sluff? Will he be there for me?
Number one question spouses want to know. Both spouses, not just the wife. Going outside to futz in the yard? I'm guessing you like yard work, so that was for you. You have forgotten what it is to do "for her" in small ways. You're terrified this is it forever. SO IS SHE! She took the first step -- staying with you. That was incredibly brave. Read the posts on this board. Notice how many people are advising others to bail on their marriage at the first sign of trouble. That she did that is going against social norm anymore, so that really was brave. Keep proving to her it was a good first step. Prove it to her because you love her. She took that step because she loves you. But both of you are terrified at what next.
And once again, this is what I see as an outside. This is the stuff a counselor will help you in a more personal way.
D
i understand.....i'm willing to try anything.....i do want to back up and clarify one thing.....she is the one that left me the first time. it was because of the drug use....and like i said i'm off those and she is back and don't get me wrong i'm glad she's here but the whole situation is the same. we don't act like a married couple.....we act like friends who share a house and are raising a child. and she seems happy with it....i try to talk to her and she says in her eyes there is nothing wrong. we are married, we both have jobs, so we are just living life. i don't seem important to her. i have suggested trips over long weekends....we live in SC so i suggested the beach. she says no she doesn't want to go there unless the in-laws can go with us. i cannot even remember the last time we went out to eat dinner....just the 2 of us. no matter what i suggest there is ALWAYS a reason we can't do it.
Look i know i need therapy....i need help for the depression.....i get it. and for those of you asking, i do have a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and we go to a bible believing, holy ghost filled, pentecostal church. I am the soundman there. so i know my life and my marriage need work. i will seek help and counseling.....i just don't know what good it will do. she refuses to go to counseling so i will be doing it alone. and the end result will be the same.....i thank you all for listening and the advice.....lady blue i will check into the links you sent.....i will end with this.....and despite the fact that i'm a christian this quote is from one of my favorite movies and i have always believed it......
"LIFE IS PAIN.....YOU JUST GET USED TO IT"
Look i know i need therapy....i need help for the depression.....i get it. and for those of you asking, i do have a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and we go to a bible believing, holy ghost filled, pentecostal church. I am the soundman there. so i know my life and my marriage need work. i will seek help and counseling.....i just don't know what good it will do. she refuses to go to counseling so i will be doing it alone. and the end result will be the same.....i thank you all for listening and the advice.....lady blue i will check into the links you sent.....i will end with this.....and despite the fact that i'm a christian this quote is from one of my favorite movies and i have always believed it......
"LIFE IS PAIN.....YOU JUST GET USED TO IT"
B
still praying for you dirtfan. I read your last post and am saddened by the last sentence... I think here is part of your problem. Life is NOT pain.... there is pain in life YES... but life is not pain. Jesus came to give us life abundant life....not abundant pain. We are overcomers thru Christ... please get plugged in with some mature Christian brothers to help you press on in being tha overcomer you are ordained in him to be.
Ditch the old quote and find a more empowering and scriptural one... from the word of GOD!
Ditch the old quote and find a more empowering and scriptural one... from the word of GOD!
P
my ? would be y would she not go to the beach unless the in laws went to? perhaps make a family dinner and set the table and the whole works? worth a try! Perhaps she is still feeling a little insecure and needs a little more assurance. Depending on how long ago. Just cuddle her in bed. Thanking her for understanding and being there for you and wanting to make things work. postive words postive actions. will be praying for you!