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The "always looking for the better deal" is really part of a larger scarcity mindset that's in our culture.
If you convince people that there isn't enough and that they better "get theirs" before it all runs out, then people will buy into all kinds of "upgrading." I've known married couples who would never make solid plans because they were always afraid they'd miss that last-minute opportunity of a lifetime. Or the people who have perfectly good phones who MUST upgrade every six months because they're told that the magical unicorn feature is on the newest version.
Another part of the problem with dating sites is that people are treated as product. There's not much difference between surfing Amazon for various books, movies, etc., and surfing a dating site. You get the little pictures. There's the clever sales pitch. You get the cost of the item (or the demands of the person). You read it all and decide if you want to buy...er...date.
Unfortunately, there are lots of Christiany ideas out there that feed the philosophies of scarcity and consumerism. Christian singles are told to look for their SOULMATE (not a biblical idea). They're told God has ONE PERSON planned for them (also not biblical). They're told to make lists of demands that SHOULD BE MET before they enter in to a relationship (again, not biblical). So we've got scarcity in the form of finding that ONE amongst BILLIONS on the planet. Seriously...ONE...What if the one is 12 and lives in China? What if your one is already married? What if your one is the NEXT profile you'd look at? And we've got consumerism in the form of "it's all about you" and "the customer is always right."
These kinds of mindsets exist outside of dating sites. They're just particularly honed at these locations. It takes a very strong and self-aware person to not dehumanize others AND to believe that what you have is enough.
If you convince people that there isn't enough and that they better "get theirs" before it all runs out, then people will buy into all kinds of "upgrading." I've known married couples who would never make solid plans because they were always afraid they'd miss that last-minute opportunity of a lifetime. Or the people who have perfectly good phones who MUST upgrade every six months because they're told that the magical unicorn feature is on the newest version.
Another part of the problem with dating sites is that people are treated as product. There's not much difference between surfing Amazon for various books, movies, etc., and surfing a dating site. You get the little pictures. There's the clever sales pitch. You get the cost of the item (or the demands of the person). You read it all and decide if you want to buy...er...date.
Unfortunately, there are lots of Christiany ideas out there that feed the philosophies of scarcity and consumerism. Christian singles are told to look for their SOULMATE (not a biblical idea). They're told God has ONE PERSON planned for them (also not biblical). They're told to make lists of demands that SHOULD BE MET before they enter in to a relationship (again, not biblical). So we've got scarcity in the form of finding that ONE amongst BILLIONS on the planet. Seriously...ONE...What if the one is 12 and lives in China? What if your one is already married? What if your one is the NEXT profile you'd look at? And we've got consumerism in the form of "it's all about you" and "the customer is always right."
These kinds of mindsets exist outside of dating sites. They're just particularly honed at these locations. It takes a very strong and self-aware person to not dehumanize others AND to believe that what you have is enough.
i love what you shared here, and reflects a lot of my own views on this.
i have often been asked why i never have tried online dating, and for me it's a fairly easy answer. i cannot view the process of meeting someone, cultivating a relationship and falling in love as something that i order from a website--or at least, i never felt like it was what i was required to do. could i present a fairly attractive and persuasively-slick dating ad? you bet. having worked marketing for years, i can even tell you how to choose things that are more likely to be perceived attractive or compelling to a man (or woman).
but i'm a little too romantic for that kind of thing. i don't want to overtly shape anyone's perception of me--which is a requirement of dating ads. dating ads teach us that we need to present something that competes with someone else which is a mindset that makes me a little crazy. i will always believe that i have no competition, because i am not a commodity. but spending some time on those sites might encourage anyone to feel that way.
one of the backlashes of a culture that is interested in making people feel unique and special (such as the mbti preference type indicator) and teaching them to recognize "special-ness", facebook quizzes that are constantly providing bragging opportunities and recognition is that it fails to teach and reinforce the "special-ness" of others. and we've empowered people to stand up for themselves, encouraged folks to not put up with what they feel isn't good, pleasant or right for them.
in a sense, we seem to be good at telling people to see their positive qualities and to value their opinions. which isn't a bad thing, except that it certainly caters to our sin nature. and i think so many of these things have taken as much as they have given us. hollywood has taught us that love is always accompanied with fireworks, and that our "one true love" will mesh with us in every way.
i've even seen posters here say that if a relationship isn't "easy", they don't want it.
there is no perfect person, and there are no perfect choices. and ultimately, it comes down to your priorities. no man or woman will fulfill every possible quality that is heralded by our culture and your "wish list" too. i've found plenty of guys who are successful by worldly standards but fail miserably on christian standards, and guys who fit the some of each. at the end of the day, only you can decide what is most important to you.
but ultimately, it's also understanding that all relationships (and largely, marriage) were designed (in part) to cultivate Christ-like qualities in us. that can't happen without sacrifice, and a willingness to let go of, and die to self as well. we cannot grow where there is no sacrifice and even struggle.
i have often been asked why i never have tried online dating, and for me it's a fairly easy answer. i cannot view the process of meeting someone, cultivating a relationship and falling in love as something that i order from a website--or at least, i never felt like it was what i was required to do. could i present a fairly attractive and persuasively-slick dating ad? you bet. having worked marketing for years, i can even tell you how to choose things that are more likely to be perceived attractive or compelling to a man (or woman).
but i'm a little too romantic for that kind of thing. i don't want to overtly shape anyone's perception of me--which is a requirement of dating ads. dating ads teach us that we need to present something that competes with someone else which is a mindset that makes me a little crazy. i will always believe that i have no competition, because i am not a commodity. but spending some time on those sites might encourage anyone to feel that way.
one of the backlashes of a culture that is interested in making people feel unique and special (such as the mbti preference type indicator) and teaching them to recognize "special-ness", facebook quizzes that are constantly providing bragging opportunities and recognition is that it fails to teach and reinforce the "special-ness" of others. and we've empowered people to stand up for themselves, encouraged folks to not put up with what they feel isn't good, pleasant or right for them.
in a sense, we seem to be good at telling people to see their positive qualities and to value their opinions. which isn't a bad thing, except that it certainly caters to our sin nature. and i think so many of these things have taken as much as they have given us. hollywood has taught us that love is always accompanied with fireworks, and that our "one true love" will mesh with us in every way.
i've even seen posters here say that if a relationship isn't "easy", they don't want it.
there is no perfect person, and there are no perfect choices. and ultimately, it comes down to your priorities. no man or woman will fulfill every possible quality that is heralded by our culture and your "wish list" too. i've found plenty of guys who are successful by worldly standards but fail miserably on christian standards, and guys who fit the some of each. at the end of the day, only you can decide what is most important to you.
but ultimately, it's also understanding that all relationships (and largely, marriage) were designed (in part) to cultivate Christ-like qualities in us. that can't happen without sacrifice, and a willingness to let go of, and die to self as well. we cannot grow where there is no sacrifice and even struggle.
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