I don't want to hear people's opinions of me, but I really want to hear them. I want to be someone who does and doesn't care what other people think of me. I want to be so confident that I'm going the right direction that I don't need anyone to confirm it, but I want to hear confirmation that I'm doing something, anything, right.
My brain is a confusing place to be tonight. It's kind of neat, to just let it go wandering off down paths I normally steer it away from, but at the same time I'm sort of terrified where it might go next. I don't think I fully realized until now how carefully I have to control my thoughts, to keep my emotions and my words in check. Or maybe I have that backwards, maybe I control my words and emotions to keep my thoughts in line? I'm not sure how it all works, I just know I am constantly asking God to help me with it. To keep me from thinking poisonous thoughts and stop me from saying things I'll regret.
The trouble is, I don't always regret the things I should. Or...the things most people would, maybe. I don't know. It's hard to feel properly ashamed of myself when I'm just proud that I said what was really on my mind instead of bottling it up.
I think a lot of people don't know how to respond to things I say, which is totally understandable, because I say a lot of weird things.
These are the times when I miss my dad...he had a lot of problems, but he would have understood this kind of weirdness...because I got it from him.