Advice on how to approach Husband about feelings

[Dove1971]

My husband and I have been married for four years. In the beginning we talked about our past marriages and issues that we had in them. His ex had cheated on him, he would come home and utilities would be turned off because she didn't pay the bills and etc. My ex would call me names, put me down and just really broke me down to where I felt worthless.

In in our marriage in the beginning we talked a lot and had good communication. I have always had a communication problem because always fearful of not saying the "right" thing. We did good for awhile. I have prayed for God to lead our marriage and to steer us in the right direction. We have not had couple friends because that is not what he wanted because his ex cheated on him with friends of theirs. Recently we moved and bought a new house. I work long hours because of my job. He gets home from his job at a normal time. This is not a new job for me. This is the same job I have had since we met and then got married. He became friends with a married couple next door. Then I find out that he and the neighbor wife text. I found out because they were coming over for supper and she texted him asking what they could bring. I then asked why she was texting him and how she got his number. He said that her husband had given it to her. Something just didn't feel right so I went to the cell phone bill and looked. I was shocked. They were texting all day everyday. This had been going on for weeks. Then I started thinking that his phone had been on silence and that he hadn't been texting me near as much since the texting had started and that he never left his phone sitting around anymore. I started blaming myself. I came home that night, maybe I did go about it the wrong way behind his back, but I asked to see his phone and he wouldn't let me. I asked again and he kept asking why? I should him the bill and said I want to see your phone. He had deleted all the texts between them but said it was because he knew I would react this way. He said there is nothing going on that they are just friends and that most of the time it is the husband doing the texting from here phone but there are texts to his phone also just not as many. I asked for it to stop because I don't this it is Appropriate. I have asked her for it to stop. It is still continuing. She claims I am very happy in her marriage and that they are very Christian and don't text in appropriately. They have not tried to really get to know me but My heart is not into trying. I have been made out to be this horrible person because of this. I can't put my heart into trying when I don't feel that it is right and that they are all disrespecting me in continuing this. I have been accused of saying that she is cheating on her husband. I have not I have just asked for the texting to stop. Daily they text all day and then they are all spending time in the evenings together while I am at work.

I pray ray daily for God to guide me on this. I just don't know anymore how to deal with this.

 

[shotgunner]

I would be just as upset as you in this situation. Neither myself nor my wife have good friend relationships with the opposite sex. I'm not saying that it is always inappropriate but I've seen such relationships lead to adultery too many times to think it is a good idea.


I think it is very possible that something is going on from what you describe. If all were innocent I would think your husband would immidiently end the relationship with the neighbor's wife and wouldn't be trying so hard to cover his tracks.


I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need to sit down with your husband and calmly tell him how upset this situation makes you. Don't allow the conversation to turn into an argument based on accusations but don't allow him to dismiss your concerns as silly either. Make sure he knows how serious this issue is to you.

 

[Galahad]

My husband and I have been married for four years. In the beginning we talked about our past marriages and issues that we had in them. His ex had cheated on him, he would come home and utilities would be turned off because she didn't pay the bills and etc. My ex would call me names, put me down and just really broke me down to where I felt worthless.

In in our marriage in the beginning we talked a lot and had good communication. I have always had a communication problem because always fearful of not saying the "right" thing. We did good for awhile. I have prayed for God to lead our marriage and to steer us in the right direction. We have not had couple friends because that is not what he wanted because his ex cheated on him with friends of theirs. Recently we moved and bought a new house. I work long hours because of my job. He gets home from his job at a normal time. This is not a new job for me. This is the same job I have had since we met and then got married. He became friends with a married couple next door. Then I find out that he and the neighbor wife text. I found out because they were coming over for supper and she texted him asking what they could bring. I then asked why she was texting him and how she got his number. He said that her husband had given it to her. Something just didn't feel right so I went to the cell phone bill and looked. I was shocked. They were texting all day everyday. This had been going on for weeks. Then I started thinking that his phone had been on silence and that he hadn't been texting me near as much since the texting had started and that he never left his phone sitting around anymore. I started blaming myself. I came home that night, maybe I did go about it the wrong way behind his back, but I asked to see his phone and he wouldn't let me. I asked again and he kept asking why? I should him the bill and said I want to see your phone. He had deleted all the texts between them but said it was because he knew I would react this way. He said there is nothing going on that they are just friends and that most of the time it is the husband doing the texting from here phone but there are texts to his phone also just not as many. I asked for it to stop because I don't this it is Appropriate. I have asked her for it to stop. It is still continuing. She claims I am very happy in her marriage and that they are very Christian and don't text in appropriately. They have not tried to really get to know me but My heart is not into trying. I have been made out to be this horrible person because of this. I can't put my heart into trying when I don't feel that it is right and that they are all disrespecting me in continuing this. I have been accused of saying that she is cheating on her husband. I have not I have just asked for the texting to stop. Daily they text all day and then they are all spending time in the evenings together while I am at work.

I pray ray daily for God to guide me on this. I just don't know anymore how to deal with this.

Your husband does NOT respect you. He is selfish. And his "friendship" with the other woman is not innocent. He's bonding with her.

Tell him to stop. Why should he? Because it is another woman.

Don't worry about that you are being made out to be the bad person. So what. You know the truth. Now fix it. If you don't, it will get worse.

And tell the other woman to stop spending time with your husband. And tell her husband about all the texts you found. My question to him would be, why aren't you with your wife in the evening and at night?

Your husband, the other woman and her husband, CHRISTIANS? Uhm, I wouldn't say they are Christians. Christ wouldn't treat His followers the way they are treating you.

You are right. They are all wrong.

 

[kaylagrl]

My husband and I have been married for four years. In the beginning we talked about our past marriages and issues that we had in them. His ex had cheated on him, he would come home and utilities would be turned off because she didn't pay the bills and etc. My ex would call me names, put me down and just really broke me down to where I felt worthless.

In in our marriage in the beginning we talked a lot and had good communication. I have always had a communication problem because always fearful of not saying the "right" thing. We did good for awhile. I have prayed for God to lead our marriage and to steer us in the right direction. We have not had couple friends because that is not what he wanted because his ex cheated on him with friends of theirs. Recently we moved and bought a new house. I work long hours because of my job. He gets home from his job at a normal time. This is not a new job for me. This is the same job I have had since we met and then got married. He became friends with a married couple next door. Then I find out that he and the neighbor wife text. I found out because they were coming over for supper and she texted him asking what they could bring. I then asked why she was texting him and how she got his number. He said that her husband had given it to her. Something just didn't feel right so I went to the cell phone bill and looked. I was shocked. They were texting all day everyday. This had been going on for weeks. Then I started thinking that his phone had been on silence and that he hadn't been texting me near as much since the texting had started and that he never left his phone sitting around anymore. I started blaming myself. I came home that night, maybe I did go about it the wrong way behind his back, but I asked to see his phone and he wouldn't let me. I asked again and he kept asking why? I should him the bill and said I want to see your phone. He had deleted all the texts between them but said it was because he knew I would react this way. He said there is nothing going on that they are just friends and that most of the time it is the husband doing the texting from here phone but there are texts to his phone also just not as many. I asked for it to stop because I don't this it is Appropriate. I have asked her for it to stop. It is still continuing. She claims I am very happy in her marriage and that they are very Christian and don't text in appropriately. They have not tried to really get to know me but My heart is not into trying. I have been made out to be this horrible person because of this. I can't put my heart into trying when I don't feel that it is right and that they are all disrespecting me in continuing this. I have been accused of saying that she is cheating on her husband. I have not I have just asked for the texting to stop. Daily they text all day and then they are all spending time in the evenings together while I am at work.

I pray ray daily for God to guide me on this. I just don't know anymore how to deal with this.

This is a 100% deal breaker.You need to meet with the wife and tell her it is to stop,now!! You dont care what they are texting to each other it is to stop immediately! It is not her husband,it is yours.If she has something to say she can say it to you.You need to let her know you arent taking anymore of this.If she says they arent being inappropriate, say "great then you'll have no problem stopping".If she refuses to stop then you'll know something is going on.Do the same with your husband.If it continues let him know he can either stop or lose you and half he owns.Do not let this game continue.Put your foot down and mean it. Be direct and dont let anyone make you feel like you are wrong.You are not wrong!! Stop it and stop it now.

 

[BarlyGurl]

to the OP... Your husband is having a AFFAIR... it may NOT have led to sex at this point but it is STILL an AFFAIR and he is giving another woman a significant amount of TIME which should be YOURS. I realize you are "afraid" about confronting him... but you need to... and if it were me... I would confront her too. Have a nice... dinner party and between sometime between the salad and steak say..."oh I was looking over the bills and I notice "other woman" and "husband" have spent a considerable amount of time together...Did you know about that "other woman husband"? And go from there... I am not talking about name calling and making war but exposing the issue in front of ALL INVOLVED PERSONS.

 

[FallenHearts]

I would go to your husband and calmly tell him how his relationship with the neighbor's wife is making you feel. He may feel that his relationship with her is innocent because there is not sexual innuendo involved, but there is a thing called an 'emotional affair' that can devastate a marriage. You might also try to talk with the neighbor's wife. Tell her how her friendship with your husband is affecting your marriage. Try not to be too offensive and don't blame things on her.. just tell her how you feel. Heterosexual friendships often times evolve into something more and your marriage is something to protect and fight for. It is good that you are aware of what is going on and I applaud you for being proactive in fixing the situation.

 

[Dove1971]

Thank you for your advice. I have tried on may occasions to talk to him about this and I get made to feel like I am such a bad person and just don't want to have friends. I have friends. I have a best friend that I have been friends with since high school. We don't talk everyday and we don't see each other everyday. We may talk once a week or once a month and may see each other every six months. But she is still my best friend and I know that I can call her at anytime. She and her husband are very dear to me and I don't ever text her husband. It is just not right.

I have tried to talk the neighbor wife on several occasions and still get no where with her. She continues to text my husband. I'm just at my wits end. I have tried to become friends with the neighbors, but at this point I really don't have anything more to say to them, nor do I want to be friends with them.

 

[Lynn68]

I had this happen also-when I confronted my husband he said I had nothing to worry about. Well, they ended up having an affair.

 

[Angela53510]

I think you need Christian marriage counseling. If your husband will not go, tell him you are going by yourself and go.

Do you go to church with your husband? If not, why not?

But assuming you do go to church with him, you need to inform the pastor. If the pastor does not respond, then you need to show him the cell phone bills. Your husband is already in emotionally over his head.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I pray you will get help and your husband will wake up. Tell him it is odd that for a man whose wife committed adultery on him this very way (getting to know other couples) it is strange he would do this to you. And sad!

 

[BarlyGurl]

To the OP... The ugly truth is... your husband does not want to stop because he IS enjoying her instead of you, His priority is not you or the marriage it is HIMSELF and what he finds pleasurable. The OW, does not care and does not respect you or your marriage or her own, only what she finds pleasurable for herself. I am guessing you are not the "pitbull" kinda woman... but if it were me... I would make it REALLY CLEAR she needs to lose my husbands phone number and stay on her own side of the fence unless I am home. I wouldn't care how "unfriendly" I came off... the situation you describe is so ripe for adultery... I am not even confident that it hasn't already happened... the two seem to be "guarding" the relationship. I am very sorry for you and your situation but I URGE you to get on top of this before you are on the losing end of their utter lack of commitment to each respective partner... by the OFFENDING parties.
Heck... I would even ask the OW's husband how the situation is working for him??? Sex life better??? since your husband spends so much time titillating his wife... is he getting any benefit which he doesn't have to work for??? I'd tell my husband he better get busy directing his affection at HOME!

 

[blondieindahouse]

Thank you for your advice. I have tried on may occasions to talk to him about this and I get made to feel like I am such a bad person and just don't want to have friends. I have friends. I have a best friend that I have been friends with since high school. We don't talk everyday and we don't see each other everyday. We may talk once a week or once a month and may see each other every six months. But she is still my best friend and I know that I can call her at anytime. She and her husband are very dear to me and I don't ever text her husband. It is just not right.

I have tried to talk the neighbor wife on several occasions and still get no where with her. She continues to text my husband. I'm just at my wits end. I have tried to become friends with the neighbors, but at this point I really don't have anything more to say to them, nor do I want to be friends with them.

As far as the neighbor wife is concerned: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer honey. Be gentle as a dove but wise as a serpent. You can do this. If you alienate the neighbors ; you will not be able to drop over and borrow some sugar on a break from work. Ha!

The Lord wants us to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves. That is, we adapt the cunning of the serpent, but not to the extent that we trick, deceive, harm, injure, and we adapt the gentleness and innocence of the dove but not to the extent that we cannot teach, rebuke, or stand for the truth. To be wise but not injurious, and to be gentle but not weak. So, the attributes of one are limited by the other’s attributes to some extent, thereby creating a perfect harmony: wisdom with gentleness. It is actually the wisdom and gentleness of Christ lived.*

Ill be praying for you to walk in the strength and wisdom that the Lord provides.

 

[BarlyGurl]

GAAAHHH!!! I just read all the post commenters.... I am sooooo INDIGNANT over this situation FOR YOU! Praying for you to have strength and wisdom... wise as a serpent gentle as a dove!

 

[shotgunner]

Your husband is playing on your gentle spirit. He is using your meekness against you to dominate you so that he can do whatever he wants. In this matter you must stand strong and not be dominated into submission.

 

[49]

Praying for you sister.

 

[carolb]

You are in my prayers. I'm so sorry for the hurt in your heart. God will never leave you. He won't put on you more than what you can bare without showing you the way. God bless you dear sister in Christ. My heart hurts for you.

 

[Dan58]

It seems like everyone has tried and convicted your husband. A text is just a text, I wouldn't get all alarmed or jealous until or unless you learn something more. If they are just friends in a neighborly sense, there's no reason to get all paranoid. Sometimes a persons inability to trust their spouse can be detrimental to a marriage. I understand your concern and am not saying that you shouldn't be suspicious, but if the interactions are innocent, your getting all heated over nothing. Trust but verify.. While the quantity of text is unusual, they could in fact just be friends? I'd try to put a hidden recorder or camera in the house to learn what's going on while your at work, or get a sneak peak at his text when he's in the shower. But without evidence of anything devious going on, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions or start questioning the neighbors. Telling your neighbor to stop isn't the answer, your inability to trust your husband is the problem, so I'd keep the conflict in house.

I had an over protective girlfriend once who got angry every time I interacted with other females, and since I employed a dozen women at the time, it became a real nuisance and inevitably ended our relationship. So I kinda lean on the other side of the argument because I know what's its like to be accused of flirting with other women when nothing was actually happening. So I'd recommend doing some watching and investigating, but try to relax and not presume the worse case scenario... Lots of luck.

 

[kaylagrl]

It seems like everyone has tried and convicted your husband. A text is just a text, I wouldn't get all alarmed or jealous until or unless you learn something more. If they are just friends in a neighborly sense, there's no reason to get all paranoid. Sometimes a persons inability to trust their spouse can be detrimental to a marriage. I understand your concern and am not saying that you shouldn't be suspicious, but if the interactions are innocent, your getting all heated over nothing. Trust but verify.. While the quantity of text is unusual, they could in fact just be friends? I'd try to put a hidden recorder or camera in the house to learn what's going on while your at work, or get a sneak peak at his text when he's in the shower. But without evidence of anything devious going on, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions or start questioning the neighbors. Telling your neighbor to stop isn't the answer, your inability to trust your husband is the problem, so I'd keep the conflict in house.

I had an over protective girlfriend once who got angry every time I interacted with other females, and since I employed a dozen women at the time, it became a real nuisance and inevitably ended our relationship. So I kinda lean on the other side of the argument because I know what's its like to be accused of flirting with other women when nothing was actually happening. So I'd recommend doing some watching and investigating, but try to relax and not presume the worse case scenario... Lots of luck.

No,sorry I totally disagree. There is no reason for a married partner to be texting the opposite sex.She has asked that they stop and they refuse.SHE is his priority and if she is uncomfortable with something he should hear that and stop whether something is happening or not.My husband and I do not email or receive email from the opposite sex.You do not put yourself in the place of temptation.I have a married friend and he offered to take me home from church one Sunday my husband was ill at home.I politely refused to drive home alone with him.He began trying to email me and I straight out told him I did not think it was fair to our spouses for us to be emailing each other.I told my husband both situations.Her husband is in the wrong whether he's cheating or not.If I feel uncomfortable about a female and ask my husband to stay away from her he blinkin well better do it! And I know he would because we are 100% up front and careful not to fall into temptation.

If you had to work with women that is a different situation.If you were not being flirtatious and honest with her thats different.Perhaps she had been cheated on before and so she was suspicious. I dont know.But I do know in this situation her husband is wrong.If its causing her stress he should stop.He is to protect her. He has no reason to contact the other woman.He should stop,now.

 

[Stand_Strong]

It seems like everyone has tried and convicted your husband. A text is just a text, I wouldn't get all alarmed or jealous until or unless you learn something more. If they are just friends in a neighborly sense, there's no reason to get all paranoid. Sometimes a persons inability to trust their spouse can be detrimental to a marriage. I understand your concern and am not saying that you shouldn't be suspicious, but if the interactions are innocent, your getting all heated over nothing. Trust but verify.. While the quantity of text is unusual, they could in fact just be friends? I'd try to put a hidden recorder or camera in the house to learn what's going on while your at work, or get a sneak peak at his text when he's in the shower. But without evidence of anything devious going on, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions or start questioning the neighbors. Telling your neighbor to stop isn't the answer, your inability to trust your husband is the problem, so I'd keep the conflict in house.

I had an over protective girlfriend once who got angry every time I interacted with other females, and since I employed a dozen women at the time, it became a real nuisance and inevitably ended our relationship. So I kinda lean on the other side of the argument because I know what's its like to be accused of flirting with other women when nothing was actually happening. So I'd recommend doing some watching and investigating, but try to relax and not presume the worse case scenario... Lots of luck.

Dan-

This is someone's marriage at stake, not your girlfriend. Big difference brother. There is no "other side of the argument".


This is inappropriate and should stop immediately. As someone who has been in your shoes Dove, this situation calls for tough love. Emotional affairs are very serious and it sounds like one is brewing. You need to inform your husband that you will not tolerate this type of behavior and you need to draw a line in the sand. Make a boundary and stick to it. Only you can decide how much you will tolerate, but be prepared to separate yourself from the marriage for a season, if that's what it takes.

 

[MarcR]

It seems to me that the problem here is disrespect.

My wife and I have mutual friends of both genders some of whom are widowed or unmarried.

Neither of us are regularly texting someone of the opposite gender.

It is the secrecy and the continuity of a texting relationship like this, that is disrespectful to the spouses of both parties.

 

[tourist]

No,sorry I totally disagree. There is no reason for a married partner to be texting the opposite sex.She has asked that they stop and they refuse.SHE is his priority and if she is uncomfortable with something he should hear that and stop whether something is happening or not.My husband and I do not email or receive email from the opposite sex.You do not put yourself in the place of temptation.I have a married friend and he offered to take me home from church one Sunday my husband was ill at home.I politely refused to drive home alone with him.He began trying to email me and I straight out told him I did not think it was fair to our spouses for us to be emailing each other.I told my husband both situations.Her husband is in the wrong whether he's cheating or not.If I feel uncomfortable about a female and ask my husband to stay away from her he blinkin well better do it! And I know he would because we are 100% up front and careful not to fall into temptation.

If you had to work with women that is a different situation.If you were not being flirtatious and honest with her thats different.Perhaps she had been cheated on before and so she was suspicious. I dont know.But I do know in this situation her husband is wrong.If its causing her stress he should stop.He is to protect her. He has no reason to contact the other woman.He should stop,now.

I am in total agreement with you. The husband sounds like a leech. His behavior towards his with is atrocious and unacceptable.