Eharmony can be really depressing...
*oldtime excited announcer voice*
Hey you!! Yes you! Why wallow in the despair of past failed relationships?! Get over your pity party, and come to Eharmony!!
We've got thousands of women (or men) that are just itching to meet (or ignore) you!! You'll see countless people who based on similar race, religion, life experiences, or interests will get matched up with you!!
...and let me tell you, brother! Here's how it works... Simply find someone moderately attractive or with an impressive bio, and she's guaranteed not to give you the time of day, even exist, or immediately delete her account!!
...but that's not all! We'll find an equal amount of countless people who you have no romantic interest in who are PLENTY interested in you!!
So, son, whaddya think? Why be stuck in the past when we can get you stuck in the present...and for only $(X^2-.6)*12 a month!!! Can we sign you up?!