Cheating?

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Ladywind

Guest
#1
#1
Hi all members viewing this post. Right now I am really confused. My husband and I met online. He lives in England, I live in New Zealand. After a 7 month online relationship he came to New Zealand and married me saying he would be back in 7 months to continue our marriage.
He became a christian during those 7 months before we met.
He is an alcoholic, yes God warned me, but I was naive and full of faith God would sort it out.
As it is, now it has been 2 and a half years I have been waiting for him to get it together. Now he has started a friendship with his landlady whom he drinks with. I know nothing about her, except he has spent time with her and ignored me.
Is he cheating?
As it is our marriage is beyond fragile, now this.
What would be your opinion?
 
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purpose

Guest
#2
#2
I would of took the warning from God and ran as fast as I could. Why is he not at home with you. He came over you two got married and you haven't seen him since? That doesn't make sense to me. I don't I would call that a marriage? If two people love one another and are married then they should live together. Cheating on you. ? Hmmmmmmmmm. Prayers to you!
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,939
9,691
113
#3
Ladywind said:
Hi all members viewing this post. Right now I am really confused. My husband and I met online. He lives in England, I live in New Zealand. After a 7 month online relationship he came to New Zealand and married me saying he would be back in 7 months to continue our marriage.
He became a christian during those 7 months before we met.
He is an alcoholic, yes God warned me, but I was naive and full of faith God would sort it out.
As it is, now it has been 2 and a half years I have been waiting for him to get it together. Now he has started a friendship with his landlady whom he drinks with. I know nothing about her, except he has spent time with her and ignored me.
Is he cheating?
As it is our marriage is beyond fragile, now this.
What would be your opinion?
Click to expand...

I highly doubt God "warned" you. If God didn't want you with this man, he would have made it crystal-clear to you. I think maybe it was your gut feeling warning you that something was off. If he is drinking with his landlady, it's a safe bet they're also having sex, because people do stupid things when they drink. I say divorce him, learn a lesson from this, and move on. Online romances rarely last anyway. Sometimes but not always.
 
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pwrnJC

Banned
#4
Dec 1, 2014
1,430
27
0
#4
wow...desperation really crosses all borders of Common sense in this scenario...the rest of your life will be effected by this move..but it doesn't mean that you need to be a victim anymore. I honestly don't know who was more desperate...You or the alcoholic playboy. End it NOW....fill for divorce...no judge in his right mind would want this charade to continue.
 
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LanceA

Guest
#5
#5
I guess I need more information about your living arrangements. Are you two living together or has he never returned to NZ to be with you or you to him? Just because the bible gives us an out with a spouse cheating on the other, I don't think it is meant for us to use it without trying to fix the problem. And the only way to fix the problem is giving it to God and this starts with you. There must be forgiveness and you need to give yourself to the Lord. So lets get some more information about your relationship and then go from there.
 
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Goodness11

Guest
#6
#6
Marriage is very sacred in the eyes of the Lord. Represents a unified life partnership; and if one isn't taking it serious turning from God and yourself...
Since we have zero proof of infidelity; my first thought is his character? Is he deceptive, lies, steals, isn't attentive, with-holds sex!?
Also I would like to stress: men should never be 'friends' with women; and women should never be 'friends' with men. It's just a fact of temptation. I know we are in a new socially acceptable world; but temptation is real. Pretend I get in a fight with my spouse and then find comfort with another male 'friend'. Doesn't that sound off-putting? Instead of running to my husband for comfort, I seek another man's comfort and kind words.

May the Lord be with you!! XooXoo (Pray; but I believe you already have the answer.)
 
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Goodness11

Guest
#7
#7
I was also going to mention LadyWind, why not hang around ChristianChat...write some posts :) This site can help build your confidence, become a stronger warrior for God!! Lots of friendly people :)
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#8
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
339
83
#8
A drunk flew in from another country, married you, then he left and you haven't seen him in 2.5 years? The marriage was a fluke.. Stop waiting. jmo
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#9
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#9
Can you get an annulment? Doesn't sound like it was ever really a marriage to me.
 
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Ladywind

Guest
#10
#10
Thanks for your responses and yes I will hang around :)
He goes to church, helps in church. They are aware he is an alcoholic and support him. Yes he married me and then went back to England, I remain here as I have a now 17 year old daughter I have been raising. He has never saved the money to be able to immigrate here which would cost about 7/10 thousand NZ dollars. He has tried rehab, AA, detox and still drinks every night, not heavily during the week. But heavily in the weekends. I do not know why his church does not confront him with it, they have a compassionate approach to him.
Blah, it all comes down to should I be with an alcoholic who swears he has not cheated ever on me because of his christian morals.
 
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Ladywind

Guest
#11
#11
pwrnJC said:
wow...desperation really crosses all borders of Common sense in this scenario...the rest of your life will be effected by this move..but it doesn't mean that you need to be a victim anymore. I honestly don't know who was more desperate...You or the alcoholic playboy. End it NOW....fill for divorce...no judge in his right mind would want this charade to continue.
Click to expand...
Why desperation? We actually were in love. I was naive, (definitely lacked common sense), but not desperate. Now I have taken vows which I took seriously. If I divorce him the bible is very clear I can not marry again, so I would like to try and work it out if possible.
 
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1blessedmom

Guest
#12
#12
This marriage seems not of God. Im not here to judge you but i think you went about things the wrong way. I Pray God leads you into the right direction.
 
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Ladywind

Guest
#13
#13
LanceA said:
I guess I need more information about your living arrangements. Are you two living together or has he never returned to NZ to be with you or you to him? Just because the bible gives us an out with a spouse cheating on the other, I don't think it is meant for us to use it without trying to fix the problem. And the only way to fix the problem is giving it to God and this starts with you. There must be forgiveness and you need to give yourself to the Lord. So lets get some more information about your relationship and then go from there.
Click to expand...
Hopefully my other post has answered your questions. The relationship has only been an online one (skype, phonecalls, whatsapp etc). He did not work for a year, is in debt, but now is working. Yes we have been apart two and a half years and it is very hard to call it a marriage when we have only ever spent 3 weeks together.
 
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Ladywind

Guest
#14
#14
1blessedmom said:
This marriage seems not of God. Im not here to judge you but i think you went about things the wrong way. I Pray God leads you into the right direction.
Click to expand...
I would need more information for me to understand what you have written. He is a christian, I am a christian, but he has huge issues.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#15
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
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#15
You don't say your age, which is a factor in why you did this impulsive thing. 3 weeks of marriage hardly sounds like a marriage at all. He obviously is not able or has no intentions to return to New Zealand.

I agree you need to look into having the marriage annulled. That is different than divorce, in that it makes it as though the marriage never happened. I think there is a lot more going on here than just his drinking. You need to see a Christian counselor and get some help on why you did this, and some options for ending the marriage.

And being "in love" is just not going to make it as an excuse for me. Sorry if that is harsh!
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#16
Jul 3, 2015
62,104
31,076
113
#16
Ladywind said:
The relationship has only been an online one (skype, phonecalls, whatsapp etc). He did not work for a year, is in debt, but now is working. Yes we have been apart two and a half years and it is very hard to call it a marriage when we have only ever spent 3 weeks together.
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Did you consummate the marriage?
 
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ember

Guest
#17
#17
Ladywind said:
Why desperation? We actually were in love. I was naive, (definitely lacked common sense), but not desperate. Now I have taken vows which I took seriously. If I divorce him the bible is very clear I can not marry again, so I would like to try and work it out if possible.
Click to expand...

I would disagree you can never marry again. That statement, 'I can never marry again' shows a conflict with other things you have stated I think.

First off, he is not faithful to you. He has not kept his word and it seems is not making any effort to do so. Sounds like he has about zero backbone and his church is enabling him...if you can believe what he says about that.

So, consider if spending the rest of your life attached to an apendage that is of no use to anyone, let alone you, is better or worse than not marrying again.

Which brings me to my first sentence. For all intents and purposes, this is no marriage at all.

Vows were broken by your husband a long long time ago and frankly, it does not seem he took them seriously...he is certainly not bound by them in his heart and his actions and lack of action reflect that.

Really sorry things went the way they did, but IMO, you should exit before it drags on any longer.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#18
#18
blue_ladybug said:
I highly doubt God "warned" you. If God didn't want you with this man, he would have made it crystal-clear to you. I think maybe it was your gut feeling warning you that something was off. If he is drinking with his landlady, it's a safe bet they're also having sex, because people do stupid things when they drink. I say divorce him, learn a lesson from this, and move on. Online romances rarely last anyway. Sometimes but not always.
Click to expand...
Im a "sometimes" :) Been together 7yrs but we took the time to know each other and dated 4yrs before we got engaged.Neither of us was in a rush. My family thought Id never marry and tried to push it along.I stood firm though.We were going to marry on our terms. But we're both older so I think that helped too.
 
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Goodness11

Guest
#19
#19
Dearest LadyWind;

you sound like a very compassionate person and the people on here have the best intentions! I awoke this morning with a couple inspirational thoughts that may interest you?

My first thought (that I do feel my Holy Spirit wanted me to respond to you); if God wanted your husband to stay with you in New Zealand, God would've created a permanent path. Either God would still have your husband stay in NZ; or God immediately would have your husband return from England. Neither of these occurred. Makes me suspect God doesn't want him in your life!? We have to rely, God sees his heart and knows his addiction.

My second thought (also that I feel my Holy Spirit spoke through me); how do you expect your future to look like with an alcoholic? Do you think he would help you retire? He can't even save enough to travel back to NZ. He would drain you of your accounts and dwindle your life away until penniless. Already think of it, how much do you spend calling him? Has he already asked for money?

You stated you have a nineteen year old daughter. What are her thoughts? I would really honour her answers because she would be an outside perspective and really loves you!! I would pray your daughter should get priority and attention.

Honestly I believe currently denial might be your greatest enemy right now; and might explain why you're on here debating with people you don't personally know.

We're all praying for you, your family; and pray all things work out for the best!!! XooXoo
 
Utah

Utah

Banned
#20
Dec 1, 2014
9,701
252
0
#20
Ladywind said:
Hi all members viewing this post. Right now I am really confused. My husband and I met online. He lives in England, I live in New Zealand. After a 7 month online relationship he came to New Zealand and married me saying he would be back in 7 months to continue our marriage.
He became a christian during those 7 months before we met.
He is an alcoholic, yes God warned me, but I was naive and full of faith God would sort it out.
As it is, now it has been 2 and a half years I have been waiting for him to get it together. Now he has started a friendship with his landlady whom he drinks with. I know nothing about her, except he has spent time with her and ignored me.
Is he cheating?
As it is our marriage is beyond fragile, now this.
What would be your opinion?
Click to expand...
Respect yourself and live life to the fullest with someone who will be by your side -- literally.
 
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