Should my husband be upset about this?

[DiscipleDave]

Greetings,

Did you make a vow to God to Love and Cherish your husband, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do you part?
Did you make the same vow to your employer?

Are you, according to the Word of God, ONE with your husband? Are you ONE with your job?

So then let us understand, your relationship with your husband is more important than your relationship with your job.

It seems your husband is going through some issues, jealousy, control, insecurity, trust issues, and the such. It is not very likely that you (being too close to the situation) is going to be able to help him in these areas. Both of you need to go to a Christian marriage counselor, and try to resolve these issues. You going against your husbands wishes, will only increase the issues that he already has. So do you please your husband or please your boss? Your husband is more important. Proper counseling will maybe allow you to one day go on business trips without his issues popping up.

Bottom line is, you and your husband will have a much happier life, if you address the issues that are present today. He has these issues, and there are reasons that he has those issues, those reasons will pop up in therapy, knowing the root of the problems you can then work on them, so that maybe one day they will no longer be an issue.

Jesus commanded all Christians to "LOVE ONE ANOTHER". Do you LOVE your husband? You testified that your husband was upset and uneasy about you going on that trip. If you do so, will that change? Do we hurt those that we LOVE?

i understand, there is a money issue that plays a factor in all this, but your husband is more important than your job. Didn't you just say that you recently got this job? So it is not like you have had this job for 20 years. Can you get jobs easily? Is your career field such that you can get work easily? If you told your Boss that you could not do the Trip, are you going to be Fired? Can your husband go to the city where you will be working and stay with you in the hotel?

I need some advice. I am new here but I have felt your advice is terrific to others.

I recently started a new job and my husband does not like the fact that I have been so busy with it. He feels I'm picking work over him.

indication he is insecure, which is an issue.

I was told when I started there wouldn't be much travel. But I have been asked to go on a 2 day trip with my female boss.

You say here, that you were ASKED. So you were not told that you MUST do this correct? Being ASKED to do it, and being TOLD to do it are two entirely different things. It seems to me you want to go on this trip, and would like to have confirmation from others that it is OK to go on this trip, so now there is guilt issues popping up.

He is very upset and uneasy about it. He said I thought we both agreed to not travel for work unless we bring each other. He works for himself so it's much easier for him to do that. M

Did you agree not to travel unless he was with you? If so, then when you were asked to do that trip, did you say that you would do it, if you could bring your husband with you? Or did you not mention him at all, because deep down you do not wish him to go with you? Did you agree not to travel unless he was with you?

I'm feeling very nervous because I don't know how to say no to this trip...

i understand, you have already told her yes? correct? It would have been much easier to tell her no, if you would have said no the moment you were asked if you could. So you agreed to go on the Trip, told your husband, he got all upset and hurt and angry, and now you are nervous because you have to find a way to tell your boss you can't go, after you already agreed to go, is all that correct?

Should I say no? My husband is going to use this against me. He often threatens to go out with the guys and party when I say I have work obligations.

You say OFTEN threatens this. apparently it works. Has he threatened this in the past, and then you cancelled your work obligations? If you did, and his threatening worked, why would he not continue to use the same tactic that had worked before? Sure it is immature, childish, and he should not do it, but men are like kids, they will only do whatever they think they can get away with. If he had threatened it in the past, and it did not effect you at all, then he probably would not threaten that again, because it does not work, but if he threatened it, and you did cancel your work obligation, then why would he not use the same tactic to try to get you to cancel other work obligations?

Also is there trust issues that you have as well? Would it bother you if your husband went out with the guys and party? Do you think he would end up cheating on you? Why does it bother you if he went out with his guy friends and partied?

But he also says we need my income, so I can't just quit.

Who said anything about quitting? Why would you quit a job just because you say no to going on a 2 day trip? Are you wanting to quit? Also something that strikes me kind of odd, is you say "HE also says we need my income" What, YOU don't know that you need your income. Surely you know that you need your income, and need not him tell you that your income in needed. Of coarse that would not be odd if he is the one that pays all the bills and you give him your paycheck every week, if that is the case, then i could see making that statement "He said we need my income"

Seriously though, spend the money get some counseling. Please don't think i am attacking you, if i were talking to your husband, i would be getting on him about his immature behavior, his insecurity issues, and to be a Husband. But since this is to you, i give advice to you.

This should be everyone priority
1) God
2) Family
3) Work

If you mix those up one way or another, you are bound to FAIL. Keep the priorities right, and everything will just seem to fall into place.

^i^

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Greetings,

Did you make a vow to God to Love and Cherish your husband, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do you part?
Did you make the same vow to your employer?

Are you, according to the Word of God, ONE with your husband? Are you ONE with your job?

So then let us understand, your relationship with your husband is more important than your relationship with your job.

It seems your husband is going through some issues, jealousy, control, insecurity, trust issues, and the such. It is not very likely that you (being too close to the situation) is going to be able to help him in these areas. Both of you need to go to a Christian marriage counselor, and try to resolve these issues. You going against your husbands wishes, will only increase the issues that he already has. So do you please your husband or please your boss? Your husband is more important. Proper counseling will maybe allow you to one day go on business trips without his issues popping up.

Bottom line is, you and your husband will have a much happier life, if you address the issues that are present today. He has these issues, and there are reasons that he has those issues, those reasons will pop up in therapy, knowing the root of the problems you can then work on them, so that maybe one day they will no longer be an issue.

Jesus commanded all Christians to "LOVE ONE ANOTHER". Do you LOVE your husband? You testified that your husband was upset and uneasy about you going on that trip. If you do so, will that change? Do we hurt those that we LOVE?

i understand, there is a money issue that plays a factor in all this, but your husband is more important than your job. Didn't you just say that you recently got this job? So it is not like you have had this job for 20 years. Can you get jobs easily? Is your career field such that you can get work easily? If you told your Boss that you could not do the Trip, are you going to be Fired? Can your husband go to the city where you will be working and stay with you in the hotel?



indication he is insecure, which is an issue.



You say here, that you were ASKED. So you were not told that you MUST do this correct? Being ASKED to do it, and being TOLD to do it are two entirely different things. It seems to me you want to go on this trip, and would like to have confirmation from others that it is OK to go on this trip, so now there is guilt issues popping up.



Did you agree not to travel unless he was with you? If so, then when you were asked to do that trip, did you say that you would do it, if you could bring your husband with you? Or did you not mention him at all, because deep down you do not wish him to go with you? Did you agree not to travel unless he was with you?



i understand, you have already told her yes? correct? It would have been much easier to tell her no, if you would have said no the moment you were asked if you could. So you agreed to go on the Trip, told your husband, he got all upset and hurt and angry, and now you are nervous because you have to find a way to tell your boss you can't go, after you already agreed to go, is all that correct?



You say OFTEN threatens this. apparently it works. Has he threatened this in the past, and then you cancelled your work obligations? If you did, and his threatening worked, why would he not continue to use the same tactic that had worked before? Sure it is immature, childish, and he should not do it, but men are like kids, they will only do whatever they think they can get away with. If he had threatened it in the past, and it did not effect you at all, then he probably would not threaten that again, because it does not work, but if he threatened it, and you did cancel your work obligation, then why would he not use the same tactic to try to get you to cancel other work obligations?

Also is there trust issues that you have as well? Would it bother you if your husband went out with the guys and party? Do you think he would end up cheating on you? Why does it bother you if he went out with his guy friends and partied?



Who said anything about quitting? Why would you quit a job just because you say no to going on a 2 day trip? Are you wanting to quit? Also something that strikes me kind of odd, is you say "HE also says we need my income" What, YOU don't know that you need your income. Surely you know that you need your income, and need not him tell you that your income in needed. Of coarse that would not be odd if he is the one that pays all the bills and you give him your paycheck every week, if that is the case, then i could see making that statement "He said we need my income"

Seriously though, spend the money get some counseling. Please don't think i am attacking you, if i were talking to your husband, i would be getting on him about his immature behavior, his insecurity issues, and to be a Husband. But since this is to you, i give advice to you.

This should be everyone priority
1) God
2) Family
3) Work

If you mix those up one way or another, you are bound to FAIL. Keep the priorities right, and everything will just seem to fall into place.

^i^

You're a very wise man on these relationship issues Sir DiscipleDave. This is good food for thought.

 

[Alfreda]

Yes it's true that I am required go hand him my paycheck. He dictates how the money is spent.

And he also asked me to take this job.

 

[DiscipleDave]

This is true. He is not a born again. I am. He's Catholic

i do not understand, being born again is to believe in Jesus, being Saved. Catholics believe in Jesus and get Saved as well.

He has been upset about my work but he will not allow me to quit.

So you obey him not to quit, but have trouble obeying him not to go on this trip?

I offered. He said no. I make good money and have a more stable job than he does.

Why would you offer to quit? Do you want to quit your job? If you like your job and don't want to quit your job, then by offering to quit your job, would seem to me to be threatening, just as he does with going out with friends and partying. Do you threaten to quit your job?

His contract is up in the spring and it appears he may not be renewed.

cross that bridge when it happens, we know not what God has in store for us.

Yes he has major trust issues. He accuses me of having meetings with men when I'm at my office. He went through my phone and saw that I offered to take a male colleague for a drink and see my new office.

How is he wrong in accusing you of meeting men in your office, if you are asking men for a drink and come to your office? Why would you text a male colleague for a drink? What kind of drink? Alcohol? Would it bother you if your husband texted a female colleague to have a drink with him and come and look at his new desktop computer, and he told you she is a lesbian. Would you be concerned about that?

He accused me of cheating.

He should not have accused you falsely. It is not cheating to merely have a drink and show your new office.

I told him the man is gay. He tried to call him and interrogate him. The man is gay and he is a link to my professional success!

So then your professional success is what is important to you, why then are you offering to quit your job? So you think this gay man can further your career up the ladder of success, so you text him, offer to have drinks with him, and ask for him to see your new office. i am not saying or implying that being successful is wrong or evil, but at what cost? your marriage?

I never went on that drink or met Ghe guy but he uses things like this to accuse me. I didn't go even before he went through my phone.

Him going through your phone is an issue that he needs to address. If there is no trust in a relationship, the relationship is bound to FAIL.

I have never cheated. And I neve travel for more than a 2 hour trip (same day). This is the first time I've been asked to go out of state with my female boss.

Is your female boss, gay? Sad, we live in a time that is a relevant question.

^i^

 

[DiscipleDave]

No. I have been in therapy be age he is very rigid and controlling. He will not go.

He probably does not want to go, because he knows he has issues, and it is harder to deal with your issues than it is to ignore them. i would do whatever it takes to get him to go to counseling with you, even if it means leaving him for a season until he agrees to it. Your marriage is bound to FAIL, if the issues that both of you have are not addressed. If he is unwilling to address the issues, then the marriage will fail anyways. Please notice i said leave him, i did not say divorce him, that is not an option.

^i^

 

[PopClick]

The way I see it, submitting to your husband involves either working at this job, or not. If he wanted you to quit, then I think you should quit. But he doesn't want you to quit, in fact he ASKED you to take the job, and now he's not letting you do the work for which you are being paid? It just isn't his place to try to interrogate your colleague and forbid you from going on a work-related trip.

He doesn't get to dictate exactly what work you do and how... that's what your boss is for. The people who are paying you are the ones who get to tell you how to do the job, and your husband has placed you under their authority by asking you to take this job. I think your husband needs to either have you quit the job, or let you do your work. But he is definitely not being reasonable about this, so he will probably keep trying to interfere. I am sorry you're going through this. I'm sure it's embarrassing.

 

[DiscipleDave]

Yes it's true that I am required go hand him my paycheck. He dictates how the money is spent.

And he also asked me to take this job.

Sister Alfreda, if he is treating you like a slave this is not right in the eyes of God, i detect resentment from you, did you and your husband agree that he would take care of the bills, you used words like "Required" and "Dictates", like you resent him because you HAVE to do these things. i am still trying to understand your situation. You say he requires you to give him your paycheck every week, you say that he dictates how all the money is spent, you say he won't let you quit your job. He sounds very controlling, which is not Good at all. But then you say he only got upset and felt uneasy about you going on this trip, What i don't understand, is why he, being as controlling as he seems to be, did not tell you "NO, You can't go"?

But you are asking advice as to what to do, if you should go or not go. Therefore your husband did not tell you "NO, you can't go" as a controlling person would indeed say. Because your husband tells you to give him your paycheck, which you do, he tells you that you can't quit your job, which you don't, he tells you how the money is going to be spent. So then it only seems logical if he were to have told you "No, you can't go" then that would have been the end of it, right?

So i am getting the feeling, which i could be wrong, that you are feeling guilty because you love your job more than your husband, you love work. you love going to work, and dread coming home, you want to go on this trip, and came to these boards looking for reasons to not feel guilty about going on this trip, again i could be totally wrong about all this, correct me if i am.

Sister Alfreda, there is nothing wrong with loving your job, and wanting to move up in your job, and i am sorry your relationship is where it is at right now, that work is what you live for, and not for your controlling husband, which who can blame you, it is hard to love someone who is as controlling as you say he is, and you have not answered the question "Do you Love him?"

^i^

 

[sassylady]

If the income is needed you should go on the trip. A lot of husbands want/need their wives to work too and then are upset when the wife has to do what the boss says, and then she comes home tired from working all day. Threatening to go out with the guys is totally different from working and he needs to grow up.

 

[Luckysmyle]

Ask your husband how he wants you to deal with this. If he wants you to stay home at the possibility of losing your job then that's on him. But if he wants you to keep your job at all costs then he has to let you do your job. He can't have it both ways so let him make the decision of what he wants.

I do agree that counseling would be a good idea, even if he won't go it would help you sort out these types of problems. A few people have commented that it sounds like your husband has control issues, a professional can help you figure out how to deal with this or if you need to leave for your safety.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

What i don't understand, is why he, being as controlling as he seems to be, did not tell you "NO, You can't go"?


^i^

I don't think she's told him yet. I was thinking from her words she thinks this is how he will react when she tells him. My apologies if my impression is wrong Lady Alfreda.

For counseling and all that, that shall come later. Or what else is this, but a counsel? This trip thing seems the immediate issue at hand that must be dealt with. If your husband is a wrathful man I cannot tell you to do as some here have said which may result in him attacking you or divorcing you. In fact I am kinda curious what he'd think reading this topic even. I would show him exactly what you've written here and what others have written, for that is just. This is the problem with your marriage. Your husband ought be the first one after God that you go to when you got issues; not others, not CC, and not me even.

I do not find taking a paycheck or not wanting a woman to work or wanting her to work, or not wanting her to go to bars, etc. is controlling. Maybe my virgin naiveté, but I thought when you're married it's not about "this is mine" but rather "this is ours". Of course in fairness that comes with an expectation the man himself taketh council of his wife like a queen and what's his is hers too and they got their lil kingdom together. I still think if you have not told him yet to tell him sooner rather than later. I would frame it when you present it to him in a ways that he does not have to make a snap decision. I would frame it in a way to give him time to make a decision. This empowers your husband, if he really is controlling then it gives him some control back seeing as he will not be feeling in control for you agreeing to this without his knowledge. Giving him time to make a decision gives him some of that back, and if he be an angry man, then it gives him time to cool off. If he is not really as controlling as some allege, but is just a regular guy maybe is a little woody because of hard times and trying desperately trying like a good old blue collar American to keep his marriage and house afloat in these desperate times, then he'll still feel empowered because you're relying on him, and it is endearing for a man to have a woman need him.

If I try to put myself in your shoes I would humble myself before him, not that I judge you prideful, but you seem me a fine woman in a hard spot. Tell him that either you go on the trip or you may not have this job anymore, but that you don't care if you'll be fired or not, you want to do what he thinks will make your marriage work. Give him his due authority, but try to abate his rashness and beg him to take some time to think it over and consider it before making a final judgment call. Peradventure Jesus may soften his heart and grant him some peace of mind.

And that's all the words that can be drawn out of me on this topic and I am spent. I will hope the best for both you and him in Jesus and hope some sort of understanding between you and your husband can be found, and if not may Jesus still love you both.

 

[Alfreda]

Thank you for all this feedback.

My issue is part of a cycle. I'm scared that he might leave me over this type of thing OR I will feel I need to leave him...so I cling to my employment. So if I don't go on this trip, I could endanger my future and if he leaves me...I'm shooting myself in the foot. And not going on the trip isn't the only issue. Even if I pass on this... There will be a fight next week where he threatens the relationship. It happens all the time. Tonight, his fight was because of "my face". He said I don't look happy to him and he is concerned about the future... I'm just tired. That's all!

So if my face causes problems... Imagine what will happen with work. Trip or no trip.

I don't think she's told him yet. I was thinking from her words she thinks this is how he will react when she tells him. My apologies if my impression is wrong Lady Alfreda.

For counseling and all that, that shall come later. Or what else is this, but a counsel? This trip thing seems the immediate issue at hand that must be dealt with. If your husband is a wrathful man I cannot tell you to do as some here have said which may result in him attacking you or divorcing you. In fact I am kinda curious what he'd think reading this topic even. I would show him exactly what you've written here and what others have written, for that is just. This is the problem with your marriage. Your husband ought be the first one after God that you go to when you got issues; not others, not CC, and not me even.

I do not find taking a paycheck or not wanting a woman to work or wanting her to work, or not wanting her to go to bars, etc. is controlling. Maybe my virgin naiveté, but I thought when you're married it's not about "this is mine" but rather "this is ours". Of course in fairness that comes with an expectation the man himself taketh council of his wife like a queen and what's his is hers too and they got their lil kingdom together. I still think if you have not told him yet to tell him sooner rather than later. I would frame it when you present it to him in a ways that he does not have to make a snap decision. I would frame it in a way to give him time to make a decision. This empowers your husband, if he really is controlling then it gives him some control back seeing as he will not be feeling in control for you agreeing to this without his knowledge. Giving him time to make a decision gives him some of that back, and if he be an angry man, then it gives him time to cool off. If he is not really as controlling as some allege, but is just a regular guy maybe is a little woody because of hard times and trying desperately trying like a good old blue collar American to keep his marriage and house afloat in these desperate times, then he'll still feel empowered because you're relying on him, and it is endearing for a man to have a woman need him.

If I try to put myself in your shoes I would humble myself before him, not that I judge you prideful, but you seem me a fine woman in a hard spot. Tell him that either you go on the trip or you may not have this job anymore, but that you don't care if you'll be fired or not, you want to do what he thinks will make your marriage work. Give him his due authority, but try to abate his rashness and beg him to take some time to think it over and consider it before making a final judgment call. Peradventure Jesus may soften his heart and grant him some peace of mind.

And that's all the words that can be drawn out of me on this topic and I am spent. I will hope the best for both you and him in Jesus and hope some sort of understanding between you and your husband can be found, and if not may Jesus still love you both.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Thank you for all this feedback.

My issue is part of a cycle. I'm scared that he might leave me over this type of thing OR I will feel I need to leave him...so I cling to my employment. So if I don't go on this trip, I could endanger my future and if he leaves me...I'm shooting myself in the foot. And not going on the trip isn't the only issue. Even if I pass on this... There will be a fight next week where he threatens the relationship. It happens all the time. Tonight, his fight was because of "my face". He said I don't look happy to him and he is concerned about the future... I'm just tired. That's all!

So if my face causes problems... Imagine what will happen with work. Trip or no trip.

Yes, I kinda thought this was it. Who cares what will happen with work? Your marriage should be more important. I'll still hope the best for you both though in Jesus.

 

[Dan58]

I'm scared that he might leave me over this type of thing OR I will feel I need to leave him...so I cling to my employment.

That's smart, keep your job... He obviously has unfounded trust issues, so I wouldn't alter anything because of his insecurities. Guilt is something he's using to make you feel bad, i.e; Your job is more important than me. Don't buy into that 'poor baby' baloney. He doesn't want you to quit your job, but yet he threatens you for doing your job. He can't have his cake and ice cream too. Get him a baby sitter and do your job. If he keeps acting stupid and calling your co-workers, he's going to get you fired. If he can't handle you being away for 2 days, then he needs to grow-up and learn to trust his wife. Trust by control doesn't work and won't likely last... jmo

 

[notuptome]

1 Peter 3:1-2 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

What then of Abigail in 1 Sam 25? Her actions preserved her husband. Her husband was churlish but Abigail was a woman of good understanding.

Do you define submission as blind obedience to the husband? Does submission to the Lord come before submission to the husband?

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[spunkycat08]

The impression I get from the OP is that she is willing to go to counseling, but her husband is not.

So if this is the case, exactly what does the OP do?

 

[notuptome]

The impression I get from the OP is that she is willing to go to counseling, but her husband is not.

So if this is the case, exactly what does the OP do?

She should go without her husband and get help in dealing with these issues from a biblical perspective. A good Christian counselor will be able to give guidance from the bible along with prayer to help.

Through longsuffering and patience she may win her husband to Christ.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Roh_Chris]

First of all, welcome to CC.

I have three colleagues at my office whose husbands do not allow them to travel for work. However, it is their husbands who insist that they must work in order to supplement the family's income. Unfortunately, the nature of their work requires them to travel once every month or two. Their husbands had to choose between their wives being unemployed or being employed. I guess the men eventually piped down, because my colleagues are now travelling.

You'll have to explain to your husband that he has to either be okay with you being unemployed or he has to man up and be okay with you travelling. Furthermore, you are travelling with your boss who is a female. As long as you will be safe and your company arranges your accommodation and mode of travel, he has absolutely no reason to worry.

 

[ladylynn]

Welcome to CC Alfreda,
Please take this in the manner it is meant., get good Christian marriage counseling right away. Don't quit your job and don't allow yourself to be manipulated by your husband. Manipulation is never right., it is always wrong. When a man treats his wife like a door mat she can't give him the key to the front door. You don't feel security from him because he has not allowed you to get or feel security from him. That is not your fault. It is his.

This subject is close to me because my husband was much like yours. Guilt and manipulation is a horrible thing to do to someone in any relationship but especially in a marriage where trust is crucial. Don't give him your paycheck and don't allow him to go through your purse or your phone. That is disrespectful and something that he SHOULD have full access to but his manipulation and self protection has cancelled it out.

The reason you feel more security from your job is there is no emotional blackmail going on at your job like it is at your home It's pretty straight forward going to work., you work so many hours and you get paid. Life is easier at work. And that should not be -but- it is in your case. Get good Christian counseling even if your husband won't go. You need it., all married people need good counsel.

Your husband doesn't sound like a man who can be reasoned with in these matters right now and he needs accountability just as you do. You are also in a vulnerable position because you can't feel secure in your husband's love and care because of his mistrust of you and his leaning on you for income. What a double standard.

And beware because you could be open to all kinds of temptations in the guise of 'friendships' at work. Sad to say a man like your husband can cause you, his wife to do exactly what he fears most. Both of you need each other but are in danger of divorce should this not get taken care of. An excellent speaker on marriage is a Pastor named Jimmy Evans and his wife Karen.
He is also on youtube so you can listen to some topics and get some practical help right away. "husbands want and need to feel loved by being respected and wives need to feel loved and safe with security". Just think of what your husband is trying to get from you and what you are trying to get from him. And both are going in other directions to get what you both need. Ultimately A marriage should be an open book with one another. No secrets and both of you should have access to shared money and phones etc.... Being able to work those things out together and not one be dictated upon by the other. Christian women usually don't have a problem submitting to a husband who loves them and she feels safe with. He doesn't even have to be perfect., just showing he is really trying and loving her.

Divorce is not something good and should be avoided at all costs. A marriage done God's way is the closest thing to heaven on earth and is worth trying for. Blessings to you in your marriage Alfreda and to your husband too.

 

[Sirk]

I need some advice. I am new here but I have felt your advice is terrific to others.

I recently started a new job and my husband does not like the fact that I have been so busy with it. He feels I'm picking work over him.

I was told when I started there wouldn't be much travel. But I have been asked to go on a 2 day trip with my female boss.

He is very upset and uneasy about it. He said I thought we both agreed to not travel for work unless we bring each other. He works for himself so it's much easier for him to do that. M

I'm feeling very nervous because I don't know how to say no to this trip...

Should I say no? My husband is going to use this against me. He often threatens to go out with the guys and party when I say I have work obligations.

But he also says we need my income, so I can't just quit.

I think you need to help your husband "chase" his pain. There is something behind this that brings to the surface a painful feeling for him. Unprocessed pain leads to anger anxiety and depression.

 

[ladylynn]