Marriage crisis

[notagain847]

I'm new here. This is really hard to talk about. Saturday I was at a holiday party with my husband's family talking to his sister and SIL when his sister says "areyou ready for something funny, you want to hear something funny about what happened at your wedding? When we were having that shower for you (I specifically said I didn't want a shower they had one anyways the night before) when the guys took him out to dinner they had strippers BWAHAHAHAH!" Now I should tell you, I don't even care if you like strippers for your man or if you are a guy who likes strippers and doesn't care what women think of it. Not everyone is good with them. I think it isn't right being in the same room as a naked person (if you are in a relationship). And having a lapdance (if you don't know what a lap dance is I will explain) is just crossing a line. I'm totally against it in my relationships. What you do in yours is your business. He PROMISED me this wouldn't happen. Anyways at the party I got upset in front of everyone and left. I wasn't swearing or out of control but I started to cry and I know some people noticed. When he got home I confronted him and he just said he did nothing wrong he didn't have sex with her and some other things brushing me off. NO apologies or explination other than it meant a lot to him. I don't care if it meant a lot to him he knew how I felt and promised me. Don't get married to me if you can't do it without a stripper. We had a huge fight or at least I had the fight he said some things calmly then ignored me while I was crying and terribly upset. Somewhere in there he laughed and told me to divorce him so he can marry the stripper. I've been trying to talk with him for the last few days which still amounts to me trying to talk, then he says he is done talking about it then he ignores me. The last few nights I stayed out after work until I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open because I don't want to go to my own house. And I have been sleeping on the sofa ever since because I can't stand the thought of lying next to him. So this is what I'm dealing with
1. He got a lapdance (or dances because the story keeps changing)
2. His family distracted me like a toddler so he could go out and have this, I feel tricked
3. There were plans behind my back
4. other people knew about it I just found out a few days ago
5. I found out about it because he sister blurted it out at their Christmas party
6. These brothers who got him the strippers never said anything but I sure was good enough to babysit and take their mom to her series of same day surgeries early in the morning before work. Which isn't happening again.
I don't believe people should get divorced unless its really necessary but this is making me want to leave especially since I can't get any where with talking to him. He just doesn't care how I feel.

 

[damombomb]

This may sound awful, but what about an annulment? Was he this way before?

 

[notagain847]

He's never been Mr. Sensetive. I don't know if you can get an annulment for a lapdance. And the ignoring thing drives me crazy. When he doesn't want to deal with me he just ignores me. You feel like a toddler having a tantrum. Just ignore them and they shut up. I thought we had a strong marriage.

 

[santuzza]

How long have you been married? You don't mention how long ago this happen.

 

[notagain847]

4 years. we are 28-32

 

[Angela53510]

Is he a Christian? Are you are Christian? If so, do you attend church regularly together? Do you pray together? Do you read you Bibles together? Because those are the essential components of a truly Christian and good marriage.

I am very sorry you were hurt and deceived by both him and his family. But you have lived with him for 4 years, and if the drunk SIL's hadn't revealed the incident, you would be living happily ever after.

If he is not a Christian, then I am not sure why you thought he would obey God's rules, including treating his fianceé with godly respect?

If he is a Christian, then he needs to repent on his knees for what he did, including the part which includes lying to you for 4 years. Instead he sounds like he is just ignoring your fears.

So what are your fears? That you didn't control him right from before the wedding? Because it sounds like you are partly angry because you made him promise no strippers, and he didn't care enough to keep his vow to you. On the other hand, you were not yet married. Would you have put off the wedding if you had found out on the night it happened?

Right now, you are destroying your marriage. Yes, he is responsible, and yes, you are the injured party (I won't use the term victim, it is highly overused!) But you sound like you do want to play victim.

Tell me, has he given you any reason to mistrust him since you were married? Or do you think his actions with the stripper means he has been hiding other indiscretions? Because if not you need to let go and give it a rest. If he has been totally faithful and loving since your wedding night, I would just go with that.

I would give the SIL the cold shoulder for a while though. That's not Christian, but maybe she needs some kind of consequence for her part in this.

I would tell your husband he has given no reason for you to mistrust him since you were married, and you are going to let it go. But if he has given you some evidence he might be philandering, then you need a whole different thread to deal with it.

 

[santuzza]

Well, gee, since it's been so long ago...

Up until now, has your marriage been good? Has your husband been honest and forthright in all other dealings? Do you have kids?

I'm not trying to diminish the hurt and anger that you feel -- those feelings are real and legitimate. But, honestly, if your marriage has been going well, I think you need to take a deep breath, calm down and start to work through this logically. You will need a great deal of prayer -- rely on God to calm your heart, give you wisdom. You also don't mention whether you both are committed Christians. If not, that really needs to be addressed first, and you need to get right with God.

After you've calmed down, you and your hubby need to have a good discussion. You need to tell him, again, very calmly, that the stunt on the night before your wedding has hurt you very deeply. He needs to acknowledge that and apologize. If you can't get to that point, then you both need to go to solid Christian counseling.

 

[santuzza]

Yeah, and what Angela said -- great advice there.

 

[notagain847]

We are both Christian, although I'm a more regular church goer. I would like to pray together more often to feel more of a sense of partnership. He says there is nothing in the Bible about strippers and he didn't have sex. My SIL is Christian In fact one of her children intends to become a minister. I wouldn't use the word control. It's more about trust. And how could he go before God and take a vow after he was just slimy with other women hours before. I've been wondering about if I would have put off or canceled the wedding if I knew. I honestly don't have an answer on that. Does anyone know of anyone who canceled a wedding due to strippers?I don't like the term victim either. But I'm not sure what you mean I'm playing the role of the victim. Because what ever role I am now I hate it and want to turn it into being productive. I'm deeply woulnded he just doesn't care about my feelings and is belittling me. I mean honestly, saying I should divorce him so he can marry the stripper? Telling me "we" don't have problems "I" have problems? I haven't had reasons to mistrust him, but if he gets away with these things so easily maybe he is keeping things from me. This really destroyed my trust in him. As for SIL, I don't know if she was drunk. I have had problems with her being rude to me before. I do my best to avoid her/ignore her but she gets under my skin. There will be no consequences, she doesn't care if I give her the cold shoulder. My husband doesn't want to deal with it or says what do you want me to do about it. I asked him many times to say something to her about the way she talks to me. He talked to his mom about it once and she just said "she is just asking how you are" or some crap like that. I've been praying for strength almost non stop. What's stopping him from doing this again since he has no consequences? Suddenly I just don't see this guy as someone I want to have kids with and I want kids so badly.

 

[santuzza]

Wow, I think I'm going to let Angela address this one as she's the professional here, but it sounds to me that you're holding on to a LOT of anger and you have some serious trust issues. And it sounds to me like you are out for some type of retribution/revenge (not exactly a Christian attribute).

People mess up. It happens. And if he's done NOTHING since taking marriage vows, I'd say you are over-reacting quite a bit. It's time to get over it. You're just festering in your own juices and not doing anything to help your marriage. Yes, this incident was a bit of a betrayal, but in a marriage, mistakes are made -- none of us are perfect. Forgive the poor guy and move on.

My best advice is for you to seek godly, Christian counseling.

 

[PennEd]

We are both Christian, although I'm a more regular church goer. I would like to pray together more often to feel more of a sense of partnership. He says there is nothing in the Bible about strippers and he didn't have sex. My SIL is Christian In fact one of her children intends to become a minister. I wouldn't use the word control. It's more about trust. And how could he go before God and take a vow after he was just slimy with other women hours before. I've been wondering about if I would have put off or canceled the wedding if I knew. I honestly don't have an answer on that. Does anyone know of anyone who canceled a wedding due to strippers?I don't like the term victim either. But I'm not sure what you mean I'm playing the role of the victim. Because what ever role I am now I hate it and want to turn it into being productive. I'm deeply woulnded he just doesn't care about my feelings and is belittling me. I mean honestly, saying I should divorce him so he can marry the stripper? Telling me "we" don't have problems "I" have problems? I haven't had reasons to mistrust him, but if he gets away with these things so easily maybe he is keeping things from me. This really destroyed my trust in him. As for SIL, I don't know if she was drunk. I have had problems with her being rude to me before. I do my best to avoid her/ignore her but she gets under my skin. There will be no consequences, she doesn't care if I give her the cold shoulder. My husband doesn't want to deal with it or says what do you want me to do about it. I asked him many times to say something to her about the way she talks to me. He talked to his mom about it once and she just said "she is just asking how you are" or some crap like that. I've been praying for strength almost non stop. What's stopping him from doing this again since he has no consequences? Suddenly I just don't see this guy as someone I want to have kids with and I want kids so badly.

I am terribly sorry for your hurt and that you are going through this. My wife has forgiven me for very bad behavior even after our wedding. It was hard for her,and took a long time for her to regain her trust in me, but our marriage is incredibly strong now thanks entirely to the Lord. Our love grows every day, and I thank God for putting her in my life. While it is true I asked her and God for forgiveness, and I understand your husband has yet to do that, there was a time I would fight the accusations tooth and nail, and pooh-pooh any truths. The Lord set me straight about that.

You should pray on it and ask God what to do. You cannot control the thoughts and actions of your husband. If you can find the strength and Grace to forgive him, EVEN IF HE STILL SAYS HE DID NOTHING WRONG, and treat him in a loving manner, I am sure the Lord will work on him.

Dear sweet heavenly father, we lift up this woman to You, and humbly ask You to heal her heart and her marriage, and to give her husband no rest til he rests in You with a repentant heart. In Jesus name. Amen

 

[notagain847]

Thanks so much PennEd. Thanks for understanding that it will take a while to trust again. And I am praying for guidence. What if this happens again? I'm praying for wisdom in having kids with him.

 

[notagain847]

Wow, I think I'm going to let Angela address this one as she's the professional here, but it sounds to me that you're holding on to a LOT of anger and you have some serious trust issues. And it sounds to me like you are out for some type of retribution/revenge (not exactly a Christian attribute).

People mess up. It happens. And if he's done NOTHING since taking marriage vows, I'd say you are over-reacting quite a bit. It's time to get over it. You're just festering in your own juices and not doing anything to help your marriage. Yes, this incident was a bit of a betrayal, but in a marriage, mistakes are made -- none of us are perfect. Forgive the poor guy and move on.

My best advice is for you to seek godly, Christian counseling.

Revenge ultimately hurts yourself and I'm not interested in that. I'm sick of the negativity I feel right now and want to turn this into something productive but I don't know where to start. And I really don't know what to do about the fact that I suddenly don't see him as the father of my kids. I can't help feeling this way, it's just htere. Maybe you are right about counseling.

 

[PennEd]

Thanks so much PennEd. Thanks for understanding that it will take a while to trust again. And I am praying for guidence. What if this happens again? I'm praying for wisdom in having kids with him.

There is wisdom in taking one day at a time. Matthew 6:34New King James Version (NKJV)

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

It might take baby steps at first to regain trust, but no matter what happens, it's important for YOU to forgive him FOR YOU to move forward. I was blown away and incredibly blessed by seeing the people going to the prison THE NEXT DAY, to tell the young man who had just slain their loved ones in the Church in South Carolina, that they forgave him!! This could not be done by any other means but the Holy Spirit. I pray the Lord will give you this power that will enable YOU to forgive so that YOU will feel better. And remember, that young man didn't say thanks, or I'm sorry, but they did it anyway.

Peace ,Grace, and Love to you, in Jesus name.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thanks so much PennEd. Thanks for understanding that it will take a while to trust again. And I am praying for guidence. What if this happens again? I'm praying for wisdom in having kids with him.


That would be a COLOSSAL mistake. :/ Especially if he is, or ever does, cheat on you physically.. I do think you're making a bigger deal out of the stripper, than it really is. Most men have strippers at their stag parties before they get married. He may NOT have even known there would be a stripper there. They didn't have sex, but he did get a few lap dances. Thats not a sin, inappropriate maybe, but it's NOT a sin.

Hubby sounds like he feels entitled to do whatever he wants, and face no consequences. He sounds like a spoiled rotten mama's boy. He has no concept of right or wrong, especially if he received lap dances from a naked woman. I think he needs to be held accountable, and one day soon, he will be. Without trust and communication in a marriage, there is NO marriage. This marriage needs God, but hubby doesn't seem real interested in that, sorry to say.

 

[Dan58]

I tend to agree with santuzza, I think you've blown it all out of proportion and are over-reacting. While I agree that Christians shouldn't be patrons of strip clubs or partake in lap dances, especially if they're married, I don't think its nearly as big of a deal to him as it is to you. Contemplating divorce over one little incident seems extreme. Try to let it go... jmo

 

[notagain847]

Thanks so much PennEd. Thanks for understanding that it will take a while to trust again. And I am praying for guidence. What if this happens again? I'm praying for wisdom in having kids with him.


That would be a COLOSSAL mistake. :/ Especially if he is, or ever does, cheat on you physically.. I do think you're making a bigger deal out of the stripper, than it really is. Most men have strippers at their stag parties before they get married. He may NOT have even known there would be a stripper there. They didn't have sex, but he did get a few lap dances. Thats not a sin, inappropriate maybe, but it's NOT a sin.

Hubby sounds like he feels entitled to do whatever he wants, and face no consequences. He sounds like a spoiled rotten mama's boy. He has no concept of right or wrong, especially if he received lap dances from a naked woman. I think he needs to be held accountable, and one day soon, he will be. Without trust and communication in a marriage, there is NO marriage. This marriage needs God, but hubby doesn't seem real interested in that, sorry to say.

I don't know where my first response to you went. There is no point in debating if strippers or lapdances are right or wrong. Some people are ok with it some are not. I'm not, and he knew how I felt. If he couldn't get to the alter without one he shouldn't have married me. Plus he promised me it wouldn't happen. This was no minor thing to me. He told me he knew of the strippers from the beginning.

 

[notagain847]

Thanks so much PennEd. Thanks for understanding that it will take a while to trust again. And I am praying for guidence. What if this happens again? I'm praying for wisdom in having kids with him.


That would be a COLOSSAL mistake. :/ Especially if he is, or ever does, cheat on you physically.. I do think you're making a bigger deal out of the stripper, than it really is. Most men have strippers at their stag parties before they get married. He may NOT have even known there would be a stripper there. They didn't have sex, but he did get a few lap dances. Thats not a sin, inappropriate maybe, but it's NOT a sin.

Hubby sounds like he feels entitled to do whatever he wants, and face no consequences. He sounds like a spoiled rotten mama's boy. He has no concept of right or wrong, especially if he received lap dances from a naked woman. I think he needs to be held accountable, and one day soon, he will be. Without trust and communication in a marriage, there is NO marriage. This marriage needs God, but hubby doesn't seem real interested in that, sorry to say.

I don't know where my first response to you went. There is no point in debating if strippers or lapdances are right or wrong. Some people are ok with it some are not. I'm not, and he knew how I felt. If he couldn't get to the alter without one he shouldn't have married me. Plus he promised me it wouldn't happen. This was no minor thing to me. He told me he knew of the strippers from the beginning. Even you are telling me kids with him would be a colossal mistake.

 

[tourist]

I don't know where my first response to you went. There is no point in debating if strippers or lapdances are right or wrong. Some people are ok with it some are not. I'm not, and he knew how I felt. If he couldn't get to the alter without one he shouldn't have married me. Plus he promised me it wouldn't happen. This was no minor thing to me. He told me he knew of the strippers from the beginning. Even you are telling me kids with him would be a colossal mistake.

Sounds pretty sleazy to me but I don't feel that your husband meant you any harm or was cheating on you. What is most important is how he is treating you now that you're married. I believe that it would be best to put this behind you now. I have said a prayer for your marriage. Welcome to CC.

 

[notagain847]

I don't think its nearly as big of a deal to him as it is to you.

I agree with you on this. But it wasn't little to me and he knew it. Plus there are other issues that were hugely disrespectful.