married 6 years, wife cheated a year ago, just told me, have 2 toddlers, helppp plz

buddy · Mar 2, 2016

Hello,
I have been married going on 7 years, My wife that I have been with for 11 years and mother of my 2 children, ages 3 and 2 has told me she cheated on me a year ago. She just told me this yesterday, I flew off the handle, went outside, she followed as I yelled and told her it's over, she ended this family, and gave my children instant disadvantages in their lives and happiness and becoming balanced, happy adults. We didn't have the perfect marriage but the betrayal. She said it was once she cheated by meeting someone out of town, she said she had an epiphany a couple weeks ago and has been happier thinking we could fix everything but she couldn't do it without coming clean. Since yesterday, I look at my children and start to think I can forgive my wife maybe and I obviously will never forget. But I want my children to have a family, I can't think of my wife getting the children and them not being in my every day. I know raising them in an unhappy household is not healthy as well but can we go on together, can we fix what was broke before and fix what is wrong now. Does anyone have experience, advice to offer? My heart is crushed

Morpius · Mar 2, 2016

hey ,
Im going to pray for you brother ...don't let hate and crazy thoughts ruin the life you still have left to love , same thing happened to me and I spent years in hate and resentment and lost my self through that ...take care of those kids and I cannot express enough to seek help for yourself because hate will creep on you and drive you to even deeper lows then you are feeling now ...be praying for you man ! and yes you can fix it but it will take serious commitment on BOTH parties .. god speed

Ugly · Mar 2, 2016

I've never been married, so i have no personal experience with this particular subject. But i have had experience with forgiveness, or unforgiveness.
Forgiveness is a choice. It's up to you to decide. And it's a process, not a snap of the fingers and all is forgiven.
Clearly i don't know your wife, but from the things you said it sounds as if she is truly repentant and has an honest desire to heal her marriage. She had the option of not telling you at all. But it seems her telling you is a way of her wanting to make things right. It's always difficult to know whether or not to forgive and trust again within a marriage when unfaithfulness is the problem.
But from my limited perspective, i would suggest it would be worth it to repair the marriage. Seek counseling for yourself. Seek marriage counseling.
Your wife will have to work to regain your trust, and it will take a while. And there will be moments when things will get difficult in the process. But if you love her, and your kids, then i would suggest putting in the work. Not only to forgive, but to provide a happy household. Better for you, and them... and even your wife, to repair what's damaged, than tear things apart. Divorcing someone who seems to have a genuine regret for a one time mistake is a lifetime off hurt for everyone involved that may never heal. Staying and giving her another chance and working on doing it right on your end, at least gives a chance for healing.

That's my take on things, at least. I have heard of marriages that have healed from such betrayal. And the more you can learn to not attack or criticize or throw it in her face, the better the healing, the stronger you will be later. The better you handle this the more likely she will be to stay faithful in the future.
I heard a woman talking about her marriage, and how early on in the marriage she cheated. They stayed together, and for 20+ years their marriage was good. And she said that the entire rest of their marriage her husband never once, during any argument, even brought up her affair. Never threw it in her face or used it against her. She also never treated again because it showed her what a good man she truly had, who would forgive her and not seek to put her down or manipulate her with her past. She was very much in love and devoted to that man.

So when you read that, keep in mind, you are also setting an example for your children. And how you treat their mother will affect them, and influence their behavior, even in situations like this.

buddy · Mar 2, 2016

Thanks for that

Ariel82 · Mar 3, 2016

Does your church has good Christian counseling? Marriage classes or a retreat?

AuntieAnt · Mar 3, 2016

Ariel82 said:

I totally agree. Counseling is your best recourse. Marriage counseling AND one-on-one counseling to deal with your own personal issues. I wish you well and pray you allow the Lord to strengthen your heart.

Ariel82 · Mar 3, 2016

I am listening to a sermon series on the Song,of solomon and it talks about marriage and the little foxes that eat the grapes.

The little things we say and do that make,our spouse feel unloved,

For example, your wife spends hours making dinner and you come home and take one but. When she asks how you like it, you say it's okay. Then she is upset because you appreciate her efforts.

Or you do something special and she doesn't notice.....

Often relationships fail because people aren't able to communicate their love and needs to each other.

An example from my own life. I was 4 months pregnant and we lived in an apartment with no laundry, so I had to carry all the laundry to the car,...which sometimes took multiple trips. Then to the laundry mat and spend hours washing and folding..so my husband came home and complained about how I folded his underwear....I didn't do his laundry for two weeks afterwards.

When he asked me when I planned on doing laundry again, I told him I would hate to fold his underwear wrong so I was going to let him take care of it.

We made up and he apologized and I did his laundry. He doesn't complain about how I fold his underwear and I try and do things the way he likes them because I do want him to be happy.

It could have been a Fox that are away our happiness. Is he had gotten mad and lectured me on my wifely duties, I wouldn't have taken it so well. I try not to be passive aggressive anymore but when we were first married, God was still working on my communication skills.

It sounds like God is working on your wife's heart....but from your post I can tell you have anger issues that you might want to work out with another brother in Christ.

It's not a sin to be angry...only to let the sun set on your anger. Which means you should forgive your wife, not because she deserves it but because God forgave you of worst sins and God tells you to love her as Jesus loved the church. God loves His wife even when she ran away and worshipped idols.

popeye · Mar 3, 2016

Your intimate partner betrayed you. Ripped your heart out.

The hurt is unimaginable.

Now what?

Take it to Jesus,and understand people are fickle.
The realm you are in is the realm of emotion.
Literally step outside that realm. Discipline yourself and ask Jesus "How do I process this without it turning to torment"?

The thing is,torment wants to stalk you. Destroy you.
Walk through this mess with Jesus. That is tracking with God. See what he says. Do what he says. The salve will come.
Healing will come.

Don't let the torment stalker win. Know Jesus is more powerful than adultery.

DO NOT TRY AND PLAY VIDEOS IN YOUR HEAD OF HER WITH THAT GUY.

And don't let her talk to you about it.

popeye · Mar 3, 2016

Go forward a couple years.
It is 2018,and you look back.

"wow satan tried real hard to take out our family. I thought at first it was over. Then Jesus came. I remember turning to him. He lead me out of a wilderness of hurt and despair,and like ps 23,he restored my soul"

Learn. Lay aside "reaction" . put on Love,put on obedience,put on the Lord Jesus.

Keep the family,and let them kids see mom and dad happy.

NewWine · Mar 3, 2016

Buddy, my heart goes out to you. I don't have any advice, but I will hold your family in prayer. Is this a reason for divorce? Absolutely! Is this also a chance for God to fulfill His will in your lives? Absolutely! Whether you choose to stay and try to rebuild you marriage or not, is completely between you, your wife and God....and no one else, but no matter how you choose, choose with Christ at the head of that choice.
Okay so I did have a little advice.

May the Lord bless you and keep you and fill you with His Peace.
Prayers!!

ggs7 · Mar 3, 2016

Sorry to hear of your situation, I cant give any advice but I can give some scripture . I hope it helps :/
1Cor 7:10 And to the married I command (not I, but the Lord), a woman not to be separated from her husband.
1Cor 7:11 But if she is indeed separated, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to leave his wife.
Malachi 2:16 For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth divorce: for one covereth violence with his garment
Luke 16:18 Everyone putting away his wife and marrying another commits adultery; and everyone marrying her who is put away from her husband commits adultery.
Mat 6:14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you;
Mat 6:15 but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Luke 17:3 Take heed to yourselves. If your brother trespasses against you, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him.
Luke 17:4 And if he trespasses against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turns again to you, saying, I repent, you shall forgive him.

ramx2016 · Mar 3, 2016

When you return, please reply to this post....

Thanks,

A

Elizabeth619 · Mar 3, 2016

If she came clean on her own or shows she does want to fix things. Cheating is horrible. I know. Been there done that and it can leave a scar for a long long time, but you have to decide what to do. Counseling is a good idea. Don't go through this alone. Seek guidance

PoetMary · Mar 3, 2016

buddy said:

The VAST MAJORITY of couples that face infidelity STAY TOGETHER. Of course, you have two choices: 1. stick it out for the kids, stay together out of habit, but don't really face the underlying issues. 2. Let your "first" marriage to your wife go...meaning START SOMETHING NEW with your wife.

#2 is the best formula for creating a SUCCESSFUL marriage after infidelity. You and your wife need to let go of your "first" marriage, grieve it, then build something new. This will likely demand that you get some counseling. If you're involved in a church, both of you go to your pastor and seek out some spiritual guidance. Perhaps your pastor can counsel you, or you can find a good counselor outside of your church to help you both work out the issues you have.

In the meantime, we will be praying for you.

txnightowl · Mar 3, 2016

>If we ask God for patience, will He just wave a magic wand and grant us patience? Or is He more likely to place us into situations to >exhibit our new gift of patience?

NewWine, this is precious! Thanks!

tourist · Mar 3, 2016

Yeah, my first wife cheated on me. I wasn't really surprised or even particularly upset because even before that happen it was obvious that she didn't love me. A couple of years later she asked for a divorce. Now that hurt a little because I wanted to stay together for the sake of my daughter. A year later I realized that the divorce was a blessing by God.

You can eventually forgive your wife but you will never be able to trust her again. She destroyed that. Having cheated on you once the second time she is tempted it will be easier for her. I understand about staying together for the children's sake but I feel that she destroyed any chance of happiness that the two of you could share.

I would act accordingly.

Welcome to CC.

Txroads · Mar 3, 2016

Buddy.... 11 years is a long time.. Folks being together that long is about as rare as it gets nowadays.. Obviously, something was going on a year ago that made this happen.. That ain't none of our business just something for you to think about.. Obviously you've been together for 11 years with two kids one of which is only 2, for a reason. She didn't have to tell you, but she did.. You have to ask yourself why have you been with her for 11 years, why did you have two kids together.. Whatever brought the two of you together in the very beginning is still there, you have to find it.. Ask God to help you find it.. Both of you need to ask God to help you find it.. Some things are worth fighting for.. It's not easy, betrayal can eat you up.. You have to find that emotion that is stronger than that.. You have to sit down.... Together.... That's probably the hardest part.... But when you do pray first.... When you look at each other, don't see what happened... Look at how y'all began, look at what y'all had planned, look at the things you shared and had been wanting to share... Your goals your dreams together your kids..... Then take all of that and look at what happened and God will show you something.... My heart goes out to the both of you and the kids..... Put God in the middle of it not yourselves...... God bless y'all...

Dan58 · Mar 5, 2016

buddy said:

I'd personally leave her, but only you can decide for yourself how to react. How will you feel the next time she goes to meet someone out of town? Its too bad she didn't have this 'epiphany' prior to cheating on you. She kept this secret for over a year, so I couldn't trust her again. I suspect if you had no children, you'd leave her? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'd have a tough time respecting a woman who left a 1 and 2 year old at home and was out banging another man. What a sweetheart.. Ask her the reason, why she did it? Not there's a credible excuse, but if your relationship was on a rocky road or falling apart at the time, she may have been thinking of leaving you a year ago?

I have no idea why other posters always tell someone like yourself that you need counseling. Your wife broke all trust and cheated on you, so they encourage you to get counseling? Or that its going to take a serious commitment by you to make it work? That advise always seemed like a slap in the face to the victim. Its like telling someone who was robbed that they need to step up and work a second job in order to earn their money back.

notuptome · Mar 5, 2016

Why would she wait a year to tell you? I wonder if she wanted you to know for a reason.

Could someone be pretending to be Christian?

For the cause of Christ
Roger

blue_ladybug · Mar 5, 2016

Txroads said:

Buddy.... 11 years is a long time.. Folks being together that long is about as rare as it gets nowadays.. Obviously, something was going on a year ago that made this happen.. That ain't none of our business just something for you to think about.. Obviously you've been together for 11 years with two kids one of which is only 2, for a reason. She didn't have to tell you, but she did.. You have to ask yourself why have you been with her for 11 years, why did you have two kids together.. Whatever brought the two of you together in the very beginning is still there, you have to find it.. Ask God to help you find it.. Both of you need to ask God to help you find it.. Some things are worth fighting for.. It's not easy, betrayal can eat you up.. You have to find that emotion that is stronger than that.. You have to sit down.... Together.... That's probably the hardest part.... But when you do pray first.... When you look at each other, don't see what happened... Look at how y'all began, look at what y'all had planned, look at the things you shared and had been wanting to share... Your goals your dreams together your kids..... Then take all of that and look at what happened and God will show you something.... My heart goes out to the both of you and the kids..... Put God in the middle of it not yourselves...... God bless

11 years isn't rare. MY parents have been married for SIXTY years.

married 6 years, wife cheated a year ago, just told me, have 2 toddlers, helppp plz

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