Letting go of the hope

[Hethr]

[I was early in Church this morning and jotted my thoughts down. These are things I wrote to myself/God but maybe someone is going through it and/or has something helpful to say. I am really struggling with the fact that I am pushing 40 and cannot seem to attract the interest of Christian men, or any men for that matter, but it's not any man that I want. I also struggle w/ my self image, if a man does not find me desirable in any way then I must not be. I am not pretty. Also keep in mind when you read this that I am usually a friendly fun-loving funny person.. on the outside.]

I could be so much happier If I let go-but how can I be happy knowing how unlovable I am? How can that possibly make me happy? Acceptance. That's a hard one too. I'd like to think I've accepted my fate but if I haven't let go then I haven't really accepted it have I? I can accept my fate without being happy about it but that really isn't letting go either. Not enough. Who wants to spend their life unhappy? How can I be happy? How do I get out of the vicious circle?

I'm resigned to my fate but not released from it. Which means at any time I can sink back into my hole of self depreciation. Why can't I let go of the fact that I will always be single? Why do I spend so much time being depressed about it, I could just let go and spend my time making myself happy. And normally I do, I'm used to being alone I always have been it's all that I know. But there my low self esteem is, being born of this circumstance, telling me/asking me why is it that nobody finds me worth dating, why does nobody ask me out, want to be with me. Am I so devoid of personality? Am I really that undesirable? I'm like a yo-yo I realize this is my fate and I go out and live my life myself and then I go back to those dark thoughts. How do people feel so at peace when they let go? How can I possibly be so ok with a fate that reinforces those bad feelings that I wasn't good enough-cute enough-whatever fill in the blank that I did not measure up to some guys expectation.
"They" say when you let go it will come. Well, it hasn't. Granted honestly I haven't totally let go I don't spend every waking moment in terminally single misery, more like put it away, living my life. But it's always there to come back to. To really let go means to not come back.

An interesting side note: After I wrote this, and church started, the first bible verse they flashed on the screen was this
Romans 12:2 ESV Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

 

[greatkraw]

if you love something - let it go

less is more

i am gonna get judged for not quoting scripture

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Hethr,

Believe me, I can relate to absolutely everything you are saying and I have felt all the things you're feeling, to the point of a failed suicide attempt. I'm also the same age, so I know exactly what you mean about "pushing 40" with no sign of a relationship in sight.

I'm not sure about your dating past, but I have also had the experience of marrying someone I truly thought was "THE ONE" and then having him walk out (literally... I came home from work and the house was half-empty) for another woman. I often wonder if it would have been better to have just been alone all the time rather than go through the trauma.

Relationships are not always worth the trouble!!

Something I've noticed is that you are basing your worth solely on issue of whether men find you attractive or not--believe me, I can understand your feelings, but as Christians, we also must remember that if we are placing another's opinion of us above God's opinion, who tells us we are loved and accepted, we are making the mistake of putting another before God.

I am not in any way trying to belittle your feelings--as someone who has been through a lot of issues regarding what other people think, I find myself falling into this trap all the time and it's a hard fight, especially in this culture.

What are your hobbies, interests, and ministry gifts? One thing that has helped me is asking God what my strong points are and how to develop them. For instance, I'm part of a church that believes in the five-fold ministry and am told I have a strong prophetic gift (basically, someone who is especially strong in receiving insight from God.) I have been through many classes and participated in several groups in order to develop my strong points, as well as to teach me what my weaknesses are and what I do and do not like in areas of ministry.

At work these past few weeks, we had a machine that would not receive information from the main computer system--I can't explain it, but I just felt it must be a wiring problem and so I prayed very hard about it because I hoped to spare our organization the cost of having a technician come out. Not even three days later, my boss asked me to resend some data to the scale because he'd found a wire that wasn't hooked up properly. I was very thankful that God has pushed me continually to grow into the person He made me to be.

How would this help in a relationship? Let's say I got married and my husband was having problems at work... or in his leadership at the church, in his family, etc., and was trying to make a major decision--I know, through experience, that I can pray my heart out and while I might not receive or understand the right answer, I'm sure I could at least fulfill God's role for me as a helpmate within our marriage. Without these experiences, I wouldn't have that kind of confidence (not self-reliance, but reliance on God) and would look to my husband to constantly fulfill my need for reassurance--something he could never do alone, and it would eventually wear him down.

I also like to try new things, such as having cheeseburger with a fried egg on it for the first time this weekend! I'd heard of the combination before but had never tried it (and it was quite good, I must say.) Sure, it wasn't exactly as adventurous as bungee-jumping, but that could be next, who knows!!

I also enjoyed buying a bouquet of red roses on Valentine's Day and passing them out to the other single people at work--many seemed to really appreciate that.

I am NOT trying to make light of your feelings at all here, but, using myself as an example... if, and let's get a little crazy here, , a nice Christian guy WOULD happen to ask me out and I say, "Hi, I just want you to know I'm totally unlovable and undesirable... want to get married?" It probably won't go over so well...

So, maybe we can pray that God will help us continue to learn who we are and build up our confidence in His promise to help us through?

Blessings to you... we're all in this together!!!

*Hugs*

Kim

 

[Not_The_Righteous]

I could be so much happier If I let go-but how can I be happy knowing how unlovable I am? How can that possibly make me happy? Acceptance. That's a hard one too. I'd like to think I've accepted my fate but if I haven't let go then I haven't really accepted it have I? I can accept my fate without being happy about it but that really isn't letting go either. Not enough. Who wants to spend their life unhappy? How can I be happy? How do I get out of the vicious circle?

It's bee my experience that women that struggle with feeling "unlovable" and thinking they are "not pretty" when they are single do not stop struggling with it if/when they get married. You just drag another person into your struggle.

Your significance is not determined by what any mere man thinks of you - pre-marriage or post. Having someone fill that "need" that you feel for significance (if I have understood what you've said) is a desire for fulfillment that only Christ can and should give. Don't place that mantle on another man - it will chase him away or make him miserable.

 

[glenwood74]

I am a 35 year old, never married man, and I know your struggle Hethr. I used to think that I could only escape my loneliness if I could just find a woman to love me. I can only say that this is simple idolatry. I was feeling less than whole because I didn't look like all of my friends and I believed a lie that only a relationship with a woman could fulfill me. We have this huge hole inside our souls, and we can fill it with whatever we want. God is waiting to fill us with His abundance; so much so that we will overflow with His amazing love, but we guard our holes from that abundant blessing because we believe the lies of this society that only earthly pleasures can make us whole and happy. God calls singleness a blessing, but we never see that when we hold onto our love and lusts for this world. I can only state that when I let God fill me up completely by surrendering my wills and wants to Him did I find peace and joy that surpasses all understanding. Do not let your station in life determine who you are. You are a beautiful child of God and He wants to bless your life with a joy that you will never find in this world.

God bless you and make you whole!

 

[aspen]

Hang in there Hethr,

My wife told me something recently that made me sad - we have been married for 15 years next month and she never told me this before - she said that she was very thankful for me because she has never felt attractive and really believed no one would be interested in her.

Well, no one told me she was unattractive!! I think she is beautiful and am thrilled that she said yes when I asked her to marry me!

We all get down on ourselves from time to time, but then God surprises us. We are our harshest critics - good thing other people are not as mean to us as we are to ourselves.

You seem like a loving person - loving others is God's Will for our lives so don't give up on people. God will make sure you are loved loved - married or single.

 

[MaryR]

Hey Hethr,
First of all, I want to say that I am by no means telling you that you shouldn't be worried about something like this. If it's a problem to you, it's valid.
Also, I'm of little use when it comes to the subject at large. My views on the matter seem to be quite different. But I do want to tell you my opinion on your choice of wording. You titled this post Letting Go of The Hope. I don't think you should ever give up on hope. Letting go of your worries and your fears of being alone and being "undesirable" (a topic that I think was well-covered by everyone else) does not mean you are letting go of all hope of being with another person. It doesn't mean you're letting go of the hope for happiness. No matter how difficult the situation or how impossible it seems, where there is God, where there is faith, and where there is the love of yourself, your family, and the people around you, there is always hope.
I'll be praying for you, Hethr. =)

 

[zeroturbulence]

I have pushed through 40 already and have gone through the exact same things you mentioned and I am still going through it. Some days its easy to let go and be happy being single, other times its the hardest thing in the world to realize you're alone.

I've heard stories from christians who have been through it and have eventually found a loving mate even though they felt they never would find anyone who would love them for who they are. God knows its not good for us to be alone (genesis 2:18) and he promises to give us the desires of our hearts if we "take delight in Him" (psalm 37:4) so don't give up...and know that there are times when you will feel like giving up. When those times come, lean on the Lord and he will not leave you comfortless, He will come to you (John 14:18).

Right now it seems to me that all hope is lost according to my circumstances. I am neither successful nor attractive and I have no social life or abundant finances, but I try to keep hope alive in my heart because I know that God said "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding" (proverbs 3:5) and "it is not possible with men, but with God, all things are possible" (Mark 10:27)

Even though my circumstances are against me now, I am taking steps to change them in positive ways. I am learning a new trade, getting myself in shape and trying not to be so shy around people, although that to me is the hardest part of all. Don't give up. Trust in the Lord and keep hope alive in your heart.

 

[CatWoman]

I am a 44 year old woman. Even tho I have 2 childern I never been married and I'm glad. I look back at the marrage perposals I had and not one was a good provider. I also have a history of being attracted to "Bad Boys". So I have been working to improve myself for a long time now because I once heard Marianne Williamson say"Do you really want a man who wants a woman like you?" I thought about it and the answer was no. So I worked on myself. I read books on relationships, improved my self image, had my hair done and put on makeup to feel pretty.Now I feel like I am ready for a relationship. I realize I have to get out of the house to make myself available to men. So I have been going to church regularly and I go to all the christian partys I can. Ive been doing this for 10 months now. I have not had one date since then but I am hopfull because I am doing all I can. I am taking action and I beleive you reep what you sow. I feel good about myself and I am having a good time.I don't mean to be mean but get off the pitty pot and take some action!!! You'll feel better about yourself and thats a promise. Cat

 

[Liz01]

I am 35 years old, never married. I have felt many times in the same way, that nobody will want to be with me and I have thougth that it is something wrong in me.

But then, in those moments i have to stop, think in all the love that God have for me, that he saved me and he has a purpose for me.
I use to remember all the times in the bible when people felt bad they cried out to God and were heard, so then i have started to cry out to Him too.

 

[loveschild]

Think about something else. Maybe next time you can start your list with how many lil children are suffering great torment with cancer eating their bodies. How many babies are being raped right now Lord. Lord how many lil children are dropping dead right this minute Lord while I'm making my list.
I love you all but the lonely hearts club has taken over your lives.
Why would anyone want someone who lives in self pitty.
Build yourselves up.
You can't stay in the negative and drowned.
Dear God in heaven help us.

 

[seoulsearch]

Think about something else. Maybe next time you can start your list with how many lil children are suffering great torment with cancer eating their bodies. How many babies are being raped right now Lord. Lord how many lil children are dropping dead right this minute Lord while I'm making my list.
I love you all but the lonely hearts club has taken over your lives.
Why would anyone want someone who lives in self pitty.
Build yourselves up.
You can't stay in the negative and drowned.
Dear God in heaven help us.

I certainly understand your point, Loveschild, and I certainly agree that we can't all drown ourselves in self-pity.

But this is something I find interesting in our Christian faith--why are we always told, "Think of someone who has it worse," and if we think about people who supposedly have it better, suddenly we are guilty of envy and covetousness?

I find it interesting that I've alway been told, "Look at Job and all he went through and how God restored him."

To my knowledge, and feel free to correct me, but God never told Job, "Think about all the people who are suffering worse than you, you poor, miserable creature!"

And I could be wrong again, but when people came to Jesus with the problems and ailment, He didn't tell them, "How selfish of you--think of all the little children who are being raped!! You have it so easy compared to them!"

NOT that these heart-wrenching issues don't exist or that we should ignore them... and NOT that we don't have issues of faith and allowing God to work in our hearts...

But why, as a Christian, are we always told to find comfort in someone else's misery?

Just never seemed very right or loving to me, but that's just an opinion.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I'd like to add something...

I have thought about this and if my time comes and I have not met a woman who would be my wife and/or if I never know the joys of having a child to love and to watch grow I will be willing to forgive God, knowing that He knows what is best for me and knowing that I already have much to be thankful for, much much more than I could ever repay Him for. Also, our life here is only temporary and the sorrows we suffer here will be nothing compared to the happiness we will have in the presence of the Lord.

So even though we should not give up hope, we must also want the will of the Father above our own and be grateful for the blessings that He has already bestowed upon us.

 

[zeroturbulence]

...I find it interesting that I've alway been told, "Look at Job and all he went through and how God restored him."

To my knowledge, and feel free to correct me, but God never told Job, "Think about all the people who are suffering worse than you, you poor, miserable creature!"

And I could be wrong again, but when people came to Jesus with the problems and ailment, He didn't tell them, "How selfish of you--think of all the little children who are being raped!! You have it so easy compared to them!"

NOT that these heart-wrenching issues don't exist or that we should ignore them... and NOT that we don't have issues of faith and allowing God to work in our hearts...

But why, as a Christian, are we always told to find comfort in someone else's misery?

Just never seemed very right or loving to me, but that's just an opinion.

I agree with you. The answer is not to look upon someone worse off, it is to do what Job and what Jesus did on the way to Calvary....trust the Lord your God...ALWAYS...through every trial, through every pain, through every fear. Job and Jesus knew that our Father in heaven would not forsake them.

 

[Hethr]

Thanks for the great posts y'all