I can identify to a certain degree.
As a kid I was very shy, so much so that I hardly spoke.
My background was different to everyone else, being mixed race
brought up in a white area and brought up in foster care.
I just hated talking to people as inevitable questions about family
came up, why is your mum white, why do you live with you aunt etc.
But anyway I started off as a kid going to a small church with my aunt
who fostered me. I hated the other kids at first they all seemed to have
perfect lives with an actual mum and dad, plus the shyness got in the way.
Eventually I got to know everyone and found myself enjoying church life
and became a Christian about age 11. I was still very shy around people I
didn't know too well.
As I got older that shyness which looking back was down to being over
self conscious, began to wear off.
Later in life things went pear shaped at my original church and after taking a
couple of years out from church, I decided to go to another.
Problem was that the best evangelical bible believing church in the area,
was massive with a congregation of 500 plus at that time. (Now it's over 1000).
I went anyway but the same old fears returned, I squirmed through the
services for the first few months, then I gradually got to know more
people and started to feel more "at home" in the church.
Then several months later I ended up being on front stage in the worship
team. I squirmed through that for a few months if I am honest and hoped
people would not notice me too much! Not much chance of that if you play
the saxophone
. But ended up loving it so much that I played in the
worship team 10 years. But despite all that I never thought of myself as being
in the middle of everything, not ever wanted to be popular or wanted any
attention. I use to get embarrassed when groupies come up to me (yes
it's possible to have groupies when you are in the worship team unfortunately,
no matter how much you try to discourage it).
Then due to my aunt's ill health and age I had to pull out of the worship team and
have spent the last 3-4 years putting her needs first. At one point I hardly went to
church as there was so much going on at home.
Then I started to realise I didn't want to go to church as the old fears, shyness,
being around lots of unknown people, too many questions etc started to
come to the surface again. So I started to force myself to go to church and again
I squirmed felt uncomfortable etc. But then came to a point where it no longer felt
uncomfortable.
I think for myself there is a natural element, I am not naturally a gregarious person.
Then there is background which changes how a person views the world, I think
also there is a spiritual element in that isolated Christians have little support and
its not good. Satan knows this.
The point of sharing this is to show it is possible to overcome, sometimes we have to
face fears. Yes some people are idiots in church, I know I've had lots of idiotic
comments you wouldn't believe! Like people who I don't know coming up to me and
asking which part of Africa, Egypt, Singapore, China, Italy, Spain I come from. When I
say none of the above they start arguing with me saying I must be!
Or that I look nice even if I don't wear lipstick (how they think wearing lip stick
is compatible with playing the sax - I have no idea). I won't even go there about the
sexist remarks because I play the saxophone - from Christians!
But there has been far more fellowship, real long lasting friendships, real genuine people
that I have got to know within church , more than outside in the secular world.
Maybe you need to face your fears, try a small church or a small house group.
Ask why you are afraid, there is usually an underlying fear of something in there.
Fear of being judged, fear people won't understand, fear of invasion of privacy,
fear of not being good enough etc.
The other thing, we all need people and help at some point in life, at the very minimum
old age proves that.
I also found the following I don't know if it might help.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/social-phobia
Definition
Social phobia, also called Social Anxiety Disorder, is an anxiety disorder characterised by
overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in everyday social situations.
People with social phobia have a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being watched
and judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by their own actions. Their
fear may be so severe that it interferes with work, school, or other activities. While many
people with social phobia recognize that their fear of being around people may be excessive
or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome it. They often worry for days or weeks in advance
of a dreaded situation. In addition, they often experience low self-esteem and depression.
Social phobia can be limited to only one type of situation -- such as a fear of speaking in
formal or informal situations, or eating or drinking in front of others -- or, in its most severe
form, a person experiences symptoms whenever they are around other people. If left untreated,
social phobia can have severe consequences. For example, it may keep people from going to
work or school on some days. Many with this illness are afraid of being with people other than
family members. As a result, they may have a hard time making and keeping friends.
Physical symptoms often accompany the intense anxiety of social phobia and include blushing,
profuse sweating, trembling, and other symptoms of anxiety, including difficulty talking and nausea
or other stomach discomfort. These visible symptoms heighten the fear of disapproval, and the
symptoms themselves can become an additional focus of fear. Fear of symptoms can create a
vicious cycle: as people with social phobia worry about experiencing the symptoms, the greater
their chances of developing the symptoms.
Social phobia often runs in families and may be accompanied by depression or other anxiety
disorders, such as panic disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Some people with social
phobia self medicate themselves with alcohol or other drugs, which can lead to addiction.
Prevalence of Social Phobia
About 3.7% of the U.S. population -- approximately 5.3 million Americans -- is affected by social
phobia. Social phobia occurs in women twice as often as in men, although a higher proportion
of men seek help for this disorder. The disorder typically begins in childhood or early adolescence
and rarely develops after age 25.