Bad Housekeeper,Grounds for Divorce?

[Depleted]

Spouse the priority? If you get kids you both have to have them as your priority and then the relationship is good and if it's not perfectly clean doesn't matter. All good marriages I see around me, they both love to spend time with their kids, take their responsibility, man just cleans and cooks too, she works a few days too, he has daddy days with the kids and noone complains that the other is lazy. Or they have each other as a priority and the marriage is also good but the kids are on drugs or something.

The spouse is still the priority. One must assume the couple already figured out having kids would add to the priority. The team/couple talked over how to raise the kids and agreed... and then when the reality of kids happened, they then had to reestablish the decisions made or come up with better ones because that's not working. But without it being a team effort, there is no shot of the marriage working. That should have been part of the spouse priority.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Sorry, didn't read your post until I wrote to Sirk.

But, no, cleanliness is not next to godliness. That's an idiom, not scripture.

And it's not laziness. It's priorities.

Yes its not scripture but its not bad. It did not say it's really Godly. Just next to Godliness. But laziness is bad according to scripture. So yeah its not laziness its priorities or sometimes its efficiency. Lol!

 

[Depleted]

Yes because you and your spouse are one. First priority spouse second children. If you neglect your spouse, marriage crumbles, what happens to the kids? They become drug addicts.

Or not. Not all kids from broken marriages become addicts.

 

[Depleted]

Will you please just leave me alone? I've asked you once. I don't want your input. It's inflammatory and I don't appreciate it.

So are most of your posts and yet you too have all rights to keep going. So, no. Like you, I get to chose which posts I go to and who I'm posting to.

Your the one into personal responsibility, so up to you to deal with people you don't want to deal with.

 

[Depleted]

Yes also true, but it can't be such a high priority that you neglect the kids. Seen that around me. My ex was on drugs because his parents (step dad) cared more about each other and kicked him out when he was 15. He wanted to do that too. Dump the kids with your ex and whine if they come a day extra.

Your ex was on drugs to avoid reality. Unless his parents forced him to take drugs, don't blame the parents. (And not all kids forced to leave home early or with crappy parents become drug addicts.)

 

[Sirk]

So are most of your posts and yet you too have all rights to keep going. So, no. Like you, I get to chose which posts I go to and who I'm posting to.

Your the one into personal responsibility, so up to you to deal with people you don't want to deal with.

Well my personal take is that you live under a pile of rubble and this thread struck an emotional cord with you.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201409/the-psychology-behind-hoarding

 

[Depleted]

I prefer to have a conversation with someone. With you it feels like a lopsided you have all the answers scenario. If you can't respect that then I will just ignore you.

And again. Funny. Because that's how you've come off for the last year. More so in the last few months.

 

[Sirk]

And again. Funny. Because that's how you've come off for the last year. More so in the last few months.

Well then we should steer clear of each other because obviously we don't mesh. I tell you what....there are people I like to interact with on here....so I'll stick to them and you stick to the ones you get along with. Seems like the wise thing to do.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Or not. Not all kids from broken marriages become addicts.

Yes I know. I did not become an addict. But I have problems that dysfunctional and broken families have like trust issues etc.

 

[Depleted]

Well my personal take is that you live under a pile of rubble and this thread struck an emotional cord with you.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201409/the-psychology-behind-hoarding

Didn't we already get enough of your pop psychology?

Being bad at something and not even trying are two different things. In the case of my ex it was a continual quest to obtain more things not to take care of. All there was was aquisition. If you're buried under stuff you probably have more than you need or more than you are able to maintain.

The way to conquer your stuff is to have a routine. The rewarding things you like to do come after you finish your routine. If the things you have bury you it's because you are living in fear/escape mode.

Anything entertaining that you is separate from the responsibilities in life. Whether it's being on the computer or whatever. If those things come before your life's responsibilities then you are escaping from said responsibilities.

It's called stewardship. We are commanded to be good stewards. Work before play. God worked 6 days and rested on the 7th.

I vacuum a couple of times a week and clean my floors once a week. When I do my laundry I fold it and put it away. I do my dishes as I go. I like order and coming home to a non chaotic environment.

Nothing irritates me more than coming home from work and I couldn't do my laundry because both washers and dryers were still filled with clothes from days before. The sink was full with garbage all over the floor, the garbage can full, piles of crap everyone, the kids running like lord of the flies and the wife sleeping. I'll never live like that again.

I'm not a neat nick but I do expect my son to pick up after himself and help me around the house when I ask. He does it without hesitation because he likes to be with me. We have fun. The step kids I had acted like you were removing their liver if you asked them to run the garbage out. In the fact the older one would often just tell me to eff off and would use the real word. They'd complain about ruined childhoods if they were asked to clean their rooms. Mom just turned a blind eye. No follow thru....no accountability. She is raising good little takers.

None taken. I'm not trying to change anyone. I just communicate what works best for me. I've found that a routine helps to clear out my head of all the things that need to be done. If I have unfinished things they cloud my brain and my emotional health suffers. If my stuff is done I can actually enjoy my free time because then, it is really free.

Accomplishing things will get a person out of a funk no matter who they are. Sometimes you gotta plow thru being tired or feeling unambitious.

Ya...probably. Connection is about shared experiences. Pretty tough to do that when you're sleeping. She never got out of the funk that resulted from her first failed marriage. One thing that I noticed about her family tho was that they were all like that. There was no real joy....it was just buy people crap to show them that you love them and send them on their way. My sense of humor and adventure was judged with a critical eye.

 

[coby2]

The spouse is still the priority. One must assume the couple already figured out having kids would add to the priority. The team/couple talked over how to raise the kids and agreed... and then when the reality of kids happened, they then had to reestablish the decisions made or come up with better ones because that's not working. But without it being a team effort, there is no shot of the marriage working. That should have been part of the spouse priority.

Yes, but if one doesn't care about the kids it's hard. You see it all the time. Man feels rejected and goes to the secretary, woman feels rejected because he dumps it all on her and goes to the kids.

 

[coby2]

Your ex was on drugs to avoid reality. Unless his parents forced him to take drugs, don't blame the parents. (And not all kids forced to leave home early or with crappy parents become drug addicts.)

You can never blame someone else, but
they opened the door. His stepdad drank. He thought what's the difference between alcohol and pot.

 

[kaylagrl]

Cleanliness is next to Godliness. But being obssesed with cleanliness is not good. Being a bad house keeper should not be a ground for divorce. I think there are solutions to address the issue of laziness. You could just eat outside or order food if you are too tired to cook. You can go to the laundry shop for your laundry. Minimize or dont make a mess if you dont like cleaning. The bottomline is your spouse should be the priority, not the kids, not the house to be immaculate etc. Make your spouse happy so he or she wont be lazy. Laziness is a sign of disrespect.

I dont think the woman in the article was talking about being lazy. She was saying that her house could be messy and disordered because of having children. It seemed her husband couldn't handle that when he came home from work. Again there is a difference between disorder and filth IMO

I had a friend whose house was,to me,filthy. She had no children but it looked like a bomb went off in her house.Her husband didn't seem to mind,never complained. When he died she asked my mother and I to help her clean. She said she hadn't taken down her curtains to clean them in 4 yrs. So mom and I got our supplies and began to clean.It took me four hours to clean along one side of her living room.When I finally got to the bottom layer I found spoiled food and dirty utensils stuck to the carpet.Now that to me is filth,no need of that whatsoever. Yet both of them seemed content so I guess there was no issue.

On the flip side of that I was visiting friends,a pastor and his wife,out of town for several days.She had a job along with being a pastors wife.She had 4 boys under the age of 5. Her house was, needless to say,messy. One morning when she went off to work myself and my mother and sister went to work and cleaned her two story house top to bottom.Every room,not a corner missed. When she got home she sat down and pretty much cried,so was so thankful. So my first friend was clearly lazy,there was no need of the filth in her home. My second friend was overwhelmed and needed extra help. Her husband had no problem pitching in to help her with the boys. But there is a clear contrast about what I am talking about.

 

[coby2]

Well it is grounds for a lot of irritation and it's wisest to just find someone who is just as slobby or neat or in between as you if you want to have a great time and marriage without problems, but if you want great kids do it anyway lol.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Domestic problems are just manifestations of the major issue which is the lack of love and respect between the husband and wife. The major issue should be addressed first and they will be able to find a solution to the domestic problems. But the question is how to restore the lost love and respect? Both parties are engaged in the endless waiting on who should start doing their job of loving (husband's job) and respecting (wife's job) first. The bottomline is pride. Pride should have no space in marriage.

 

[Sirk]

It's best to take the time to get to know someone so you both can make an honest assessment of compatibility. Knowing what I know now there are some definite deal breakers for me.

 

[coby2]

Domestic problems are just manifestations of the major issue which is the lack of love and respect between the husband and wife. The major issue should be addressed first and they will be able to find a solution to the domestic problems. But the question is how to restore the lost love and respect? Both parties are engaged in the endless waiting on who should start doing their job of loving (husband's job) and respecting (wife's job) first. The bottomline is pride. Pride should have no space in marriage.

Yes my first marriage could have been saved if one of us had changed, but the second, still dunno if it was adultery to remarry and ehm plucking a total stranger from a mental hospital and ask him to marry you within 2 days is a recipy for disaster. If he had converted maybe it could have worked. He had stopped drugs before we married and said the sinner's prayer. But everybody warned us, just everybody. It was my own fault. Impossible to make something from that.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

It's best to take the time to get to know someone so you both can make an honest assessment of compatibility. Knowing what I know now there are some definite deal breakers for me.

Getting to know someone could take a lifetime and who has that luxury? Its inside the marriage that you can really discover who you are and who really the person you married is.

 

[Sirk]

Getting to know someone could take a lifetime and who has that luxury? Its inside the marriage that you can really discover who you are and who really the person you married is.

The big one for me is emotional intelligence and good communication skills. Knowing what I know now I can spot both of them or the lack thereof from miles away.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

The big one for me is emotional intelligence and good communication skills. Knowing what I know now I can spot both of them or the lack thereof from miles away.

You will not go wrong with those two but include mutual attraction to complete the picture.