married 6 years, wife cheated a year ago, just told me, have 2 toddlers, helppp plz

Depleted · Apr 3, 2016

Buddy, you have come to this thread twice. Both times you came was the day you found out your wife isn't being honest, and worse yet, cheated on you more than once. That's a shocker. That's a moment in time when your whole world tilts on its axis. There is no equilibrium in it.

BUT you did something important between the first time you came and the second time you came. You prayed it out, came to a conclusion, acted on it, and regained your footing. So, now you know. With time, God does tell you what to do. Let him do that again, instead of asking strangers what to do.

At least you now know it's doable even if it hurts like hell.

popeye · Apr 3, 2016

All victory will be expressed in your personal victory.

Remember,he is "THE IN SPITE OF GOD".

YOU do not have victory because things went well. Things can be even worse than they are now,and you could be walking in 100% victory.

You say,how is that?

You have victory because God said so. Not because circumstances went your way.

You found out humanoids fail. You found out they are fickle. Put all your affection,your wealth and trust in GOD. Then the human relationships will fall into place. Not that they will take THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE,but that when they fail you,it does not "take you out". Now,under this walk of victory,when folks do fail you,you got a new ingredient to meet that situation.

Learn from this horrific ordeal.

You never really know that person you married.

I spent 2 decades in misery with my wife,untill l discovered the "in spite of God"

She no longer is a power in my life. She is welcome to " take her proper place",but no matter what she does,I have absolute victory and freedom,and joy,and power in my walk.

Now I just enjoy the ride,and my God,and laugh at the humanoids that once had so much "power",LOL,in my life.

Get into worship,and intimacy,and enjoy your God.

The humanoid thing WILL fall into place.....BEHIND YOUR WALK. Your main deal. JESUS.

You never know. She may 100% straighten up. Who knows?
But you press in to Jesus,you spend time with him,and divorce this world.

Breath the free air my friend!!
Preach to yourself,but all your ministry fill flow from one place. YOUR ON FIRE RED HOT WALK WITH THE IN SPITE OF GOD.

NOW,nothing can touch you tiger.

CatHerder · Apr 3, 2016

blue_ladybug said:

Firstly, I will be praying that this marriage can be restored.

Secondly, if it comes to what you described above, what makes you think that he can just "get custody of the kids?" It would be nice if he could, as I wouldn't want children growing up in the environment the mom would provide, based on her character as described in the OP. But the matter of custody would be up to the court system to decide.

beachin · Apr 3, 2016

buddy said:

I don't know that I could say I have "successfully" navigated through, but I can relate. First, I would say that is great that you are both in counseling. Use the counseling to help deal with your emotions too, not necessarily just the marriage issues. For example, you being worried and anxious, etc. - I think that is totally reasonable for what you are going through, BUT you will drive yourself crazy living like that. My counselor called that the "noise in my soul." He taught me to recognize that some of that noise I caused myself, some of it was Satan, and some of it was noise others (my spouse at the time mostly) had contributed. But the counseling really helped me work through that and let most of it go. He also helped me to stop living in my fantasy world (my picture of what my life SHOULD look like) and instead, be in my reality (what my life is). There was so much more - my point is, allow your counselor to help you work through your worry and anxiety - it will make a HUGE difference in your life. You can't let thoughts of where she is, what she is doing, etc. consume you - it will drive you crazy (that doesn't mean you just trust her either though).

You are right to not trust her. That is great that she is doing the counseling, but she has a pattern of being deceitful and therefore is not trustworthy. She will need to earn the trust back over time. Don't feel guilty for not trusting her. Don't worry about if you are making her comfortable or not...you'll then just be suppressing everything and it will come up sometime down the road. If she is truly repentant, she will be patient with you as you try to process everything.

I know what it is like for your heart to be crushed (my spouse at the time was a deacon at our church and training to be an elder - he had us all fooled). It takes time to process. But use this time to really cling to God. I hate using all of those cliches, but even though I hate that I had to go through that trial, I can be thankful that God revealed himself to me in ways that I never could have imagined. Allow God to teach you to trust Him on level you never knew was possible, allow Him to comfort you and strengthen you like never before. I know at the time, anything that anybody says is just words and brings little comfort. But since I am coming from being on the other side of this (although my marriage did not survive as ultimately he decided he wanted the carefree life of other women), you will get through this - it will be okay (it won't be easy, but in the end, you will be okay).

P.S. Don't worry about custody at this point, that will just add to your anxiety. It depends on where you are, but I tend to suspect that those that have commented about it, haven't had recent experiences with it. First, it doesn't matter that she cheated - the courts won't consider that as harmful to the kids so that won't allow you to just get custody (unless your wife doesn't fight for it). And those that say it will go to the mother, that is not the way it works these days...especially depending on where you live. I was a stay at home mom for my daughter's whole life while her dad worked 60+ hours a week. It still didn't matter in the court's eyes - I am in a 50/50 state so all of my concerns about the level of care they got with their dad were dismissed so that they could award him more custody time. Regardless of where you live, at this point you don't need to worry about the custody unless it gets to that point. You aren't there yet so don't worry about it.

KimPetras · Apr 4, 2016

I've read a few responses where people are mentioning forgiveness. We are commanded to forgive one another if we want to be forgiven.

HOWEVER, forgiving your wife does not mean you have to stay married to her. You can forgive and divorce. Whatever you decide, make sure God is the one leading you... not your family, not your wife, not even your own emotions/feelings... just God.

blue_ladybug · Apr 4, 2016

CatHerder said:

It WOULD be up to the courts to determine which one can better take care of the kids. But he can either go for full custody, with supervised visits for her, or go for joint custody and share the kid care..

Stand_Strong · Apr 5, 2016

"It's a daily struggle and we are still doing marriage counseling. She doesn't mind talking about it in a designated time per day but this is all I have on my shoulders and I really hope anyone can lend some insight and help. I can have trouble communicating because she doesn't want to talk about marriage stuff all day, I have trouble communicating because I don't want to upset her, her slightest disappointment in me can have me crazy because I am so worried about her escaping mentally again and cheating, I am so anxious because I don't trust her."

Dude, you don't get it. She's not sorry. And you don't need to be worried about upsetting her. You have this backwards. If you act that way, your wife will lose what little respect and attraction she has for you, and you will push her away. And by the way, in my original post, I told you it happened more than once. Her current attitude is indicative of a serial cheater, who has no intent to reform their behavior.

Dalconn is a naysayer, and is trying to shut me down, but he's likely not had much experience dealing with women, and has probably not been cheated on in the past.

My advice is the opposite from what most people will tell you. I realize that. I apologize for my urgent tone, but you have to wake up before it's too late.

EllaBloom · Apr 5, 2016

buddy said:

This is a very difficult time for you and I am truly sorry for you. I know how big the grief can be. Unfortunately in situations like this you might seem needy and weak and it's a huge turn off for your wife. Commit everything to the Lord (I assume you are a believer) and let Him be the source of your strength and peace. If you let Him, He will lead you to the 'green pastures' again in time to come but for the time being immerse yourself in His word and prayer. Ask for wisdom in what to say and do. Ask for revelation in what led to it. Pray for your wife to fully repent and see the sin in her heart. Only her true repentance can restore your marriage and in time your trust. Some people here say 'once a cheater always a cheater' but it's not necessarily so. It depends on many factors. It's great you're doing the counselling.
On a practical note, take a look at Esther Perel's TED talk about infidelity. I think it's very good.
Ella from mybloomsday.wordpress.com

damombomb · Apr 5, 2016

Today i was praying for you. The Lord is about restoration. You could dot the enemy right in the eye. Forgive, let it go stay in church and raise your children together. Then maybe help others who have been through the same thing. I truly believe your wife
is sincere and realized she made a mistake. Will keep praying for your joy to return and your peace. Also ask the Lord to take this burden, remove it off your heart and mind.

Jesus4ever · Apr 6, 2016

Praying for you and your family, brother!

God bless!

GraceRevelation · Apr 11, 2016

If I were her I wouldn't have ever brought it up because this is what it does. It's not that you want to be dishonest but it's about not causing that other person to feel betrayed by you. It's hard for people to overlook this kind of thing or trust you fully again even if you yourself know you wouldn't do it again. I'm sorry you have to deal with those feelings because it would be very difficult. However, she is coming clean and wanting to start fresh with no secrets between you I'm assuming. The devil loves doing these kinds of things to our relationships and then affecting our children. I wouldn't divorce over what you've told me i would try and move on for the sake of my kids mainly. If it were just you and her that would be different. She should understand that it will take time for you to deal with this new information she's presented you. I'm going to assume that you both are Christians and can go to God together and start healing your relationship, Jesus should be at the center of any relationship anyway.

SMcDaniel001 · Apr 13, 2016

buddy said:

And what I'm about to say comes from someone who's done this.......... but if she's out meeting up with guys on craigslist........ she has some serious sexual addiction issues. If she's a female on CL, she's going to get a TON of responses because most of what's on there are bots. A real flesh and blood woman.......... my oh my. She's going to be popular. And if she's going on CL, she's not choosey either. You'd better get yourself checked out for STDs.

organicbeast · Apr 20, 2016

buddy said:

Really sorry to hear about your situation brother.

I've never been married but I do go on Marriage/LTR and Divorce forums on Craigslist on a regular basis. The whole intention is that I want to get a real feel on what goes on in marriages and divorce, the whole plethora of issues couples face etc.

Anyways, I personally think that you need to man up here bro or stop acting too much like a beta male. From what I read above, your WIFE has NO respect for you. She made you a CUCK, or she CUCKOLDed you. That is the ultimate disrespect in a marriage. And the Bible is clear with regards to adultery where you can divorce your spouse and God would not impute that action of yours as sin? [Matthew 19:9 - And I say to you, Whoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her which is put away does commit adultery.]

Did you know when a man has sex with a woman or a woman has sex with a man, their souls are JOINED? It is called as a SOUL-TIE. Your wife has TWO ungodly soul-ties that she needs to deal with. Counselling won't break those soul-ties, but the Lord Jesus can. Not only should you get a STD test on your wife, but you need to find out if she had unprotected sexual intercourse with those 2 men? Because if she did, most probably she will be carrying their DNA in her blood for the rest of her entire life. [ Read this in order to understand what I am saying: http://www.collective-evolution.com...ice-about-who-you-are-getting-into-bed-with/]

Also, based on what I read above and your original post I see no genuine repentance from your wife. Are you guys Christians? You see if I was in your situation, I would want to see a genuine, sincere and serious amount of repentance from my spouse if she committed adultery, otherwise the marriage is not a marriage. Why? Because her soul is joined and tied to 3 men, with 2 of them who are not her husbands. If she did repent with genuine honesty, fear and disgust of what she did to you, then it is possible the marriage can go through healing, especially your wife being able to break off those ungodly soul ties with those 2 men.

It seems your love for your kids is maybe more now than your wife., but the ball is in your court. If you can live with what your wife did, and forgive her and simply move on irrelevant of whether she repents or deeply regrets her actions, it is upto you.

But finally, I would tell you the truth that if your wife does not break those soul-ties with those men, then it is a not a marriage anymore. You need God in your life now. Send an SOS signal to God ASAP! Pray! Good luck bro.

tooldtocare · Apr 20, 2016

I made one big mistake during my marriage that resulted in divorce.

My mother taught me that physical relations with a man and woman are for the procreation of children and for no other reason. During my marriage I kissed my wife, hugged her and all that but we only had intercourse twice. On each occasion she came to me and told me that this was the night and so it was. Each time she gave me a son.

Still she eventually divorced me but I did not know why. Now when it is too late I understand what she was so upset about. I did not give her the loving she deserved and for this she left me.

Don't let this happen to you too

Bottom line, love your spouse and I do not mean just a hug from time to time if you know what I mean.

organicbeast · Apr 20, 2016

SMcDaniel001 said:

Yes. Where I live there are like a 1000 men for 1 woman on CL, as more men lurk there wanting to get l@id. From what I read cheating ratio is 50-50 among the sexes. And OP's situation is not uncommon in the USA, but rather the predominant spirit of the air [adultery & fornication]

Lady_Red · Apr 28, 2016

I don't think counseling is an awful thing. Counseling wasn't being suggested because he did something wrong but counseling can definitely help him work through this. Right now he is spiraling. Doesn't know what to do and having someone to counsel him, be able to listen and help him work through his feelings and just talk is so much better than withdrawal and isolation. If he chooses to go to counseling with his wife to work this out, great. He needs to be able to express to his wife, in a safe place, what this has done to him. He even said their marriage wasn't great before he learned of the infidelity.

Anyways. I have no advice I will not say all cheaters continue to cheat because some change. God is totally capable of restoring a marriage. Only if both people are really willing to put in the work and allow God to change them. Unfortunately, I am in a marriage where my husband has cheated multiple times. I do not regret trying to salvage my marriage and I am very thankful I forgave him the 1st time, the 2nd time, etc. Why??? Because I know I really tried. This divorce will be because of him and not because I chose to not forgive him.

tooldtocare · Jul 16, 2016

organicbeast said:

Whatever you do I hope and pray that you find whatever you need that makes you happy with a great big smile all day long.,.,.,.,, & beyond

-

Faith-n-Christ · Jul 20, 2016

I find it very disturbing so many giving advice who has never endured this. OP. only you and God can decided what it best. None of us know you or your wife. I however do know your pain. mine is also rather fresh. but not as wide open as yours. 3 yrs come Thanksgiving day. I ex did not confess. I found out. Op you will get through this either way. My ex would not change. I tried to stay, I believed in my vows. and for our 2 children. Sadly my children are teens and know very well what all their father has done. Each one of us will go through it different, and each will have to heal at their own pace. I truly felt god left me, and was angry at god for not protecting me. He can handle it, he is a big God. But he did get us through it. I am closer to my Lord than I have ever been. I have learned a lot in my journey. So have my children. Let go of the bitterness, but do not hide from the emotions, they are normal, and ugly. What you went through is horrific. I know. and I know no matter what folks say, it never seems to help. I held onto a verse. Psalms 147:3. that got me through. If you turn to the Lord, even in your anger as Job did, you will find him. He knows your pain. You and your family are in my prayers. I know that offers little comfort. You will get through this. It may take some time.

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married 6 years, wife cheated a year ago, just told me, have 2 toddlers, helppp plz

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