married 6 years, wife cheated a year ago, just told me, have 2 toddlers, helppp plz

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blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#21
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
113
#21
Definitely forgive her, but DO NOT make the mistake of ever trusting her again. She betrayed your trust the first time she hopped into bed with another man. Also don't fall for her claims of "I'm sorry, it'll never happen again". Because rather often, IT DOES happen again..and again and again. Cheaters are only sorry that they got caught, they are NOT sorry they cheated. Obviously she feels tremendous guilt at having betrayed you, so maybe she has learned a lesson from this. If not, and she cheats again, divorce her and get custody of the kids. You and your kids deserve better than a wife and mother who can't keep her clothes on.. :/
 
H

Heartbroken

Guest
#22
#22
need some advice and comfort

hi everyone, sadly my husband decided to move out. It all blew out when he met a girl and befriended her over the holiday period. He said that they were just friends but I spoke to her and she didn't even know he was married or had a child. He met her everyday and they kissed. As far as I'm told! But my husband says that we have had problems for a while and that I'm missing that point. For me yes we did but this just did it for me! Now everytime he comes we don't talk and when we do we end up fighting. I'm heart broken!! But he still continues to say that they just friends even though it makes me unhappy. He says that I finally got want I wanted! And it's not true. I love him still and have already forgiven him. But he thinks that a divorce will make me happy. I think that this what he wants. It's been 2 months now. Should I give him space? We both hard headed. I miss him! But he hurt me. He needed someone else and me all I wanted was him. I didn't need a friend. He was the only one.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#23
Mar 13, 2014
42,732
17,196
113
70
Tennessee
#23
Re: need some advice and comfort

Heartbroken said:
hi everyone, sadly my husband decided to move out. It all blew out when he met a girl and befriended her over the holiday period. He said that they were just friends but I spoke to her and she didn't even know he was married or had a child. He met her everyday and they kissed. As far as I'm told! But my husband says that we have had problems for a while and that I'm missing that point. For me yes we did but this just did it for me! Now everytime he comes we don't talk and when we do we end up fighting. I'm heart broken!! But he still continues to say that they just friends even though it makes me unhappy. He says that I finally got want I wanted! And it's not true. I love him still and have already forgiven him. But he thinks that a divorce will make me happy. I think that this what he wants. It's been 2 months now. Should I give him space? We both hard headed. I miss him! But he hurt me. He needed someone else and me all I wanted was him. I didn't need a friend. He was the only one.
Click to expand...
Your husband is certainly not your friend. If he loved you he would not have even contemplated cheating on you let alone actually do it. He betrayed your trust and that cannot ever be restored, even if you forgave him. If he did it once he will most certainly do it again because your feelings don't matter to him. Yeah, I would give him space. The rest of your life. I'm terribly sorry that this happen to you and I have said a prayer of restoration for you. Welcome to CC
 
H

Heartbroken

Guest
#24
#24
Re: need some advice and comfort

Thanks for the response. I really feel so alone. It's like I don't know him. And he met with this person a day after our 5 year anniversary and our daughter 2nd birthday.
 
R

ramx2016

Guest
#25
#25
Heartbroken.... I'm sorry to hear what happened to you!

PLEASE read through this thread from # 1 down... you'll see that many believe if the roles are reversed there is a different opinion.

Alex
 
PennEd

PennEd

Senior Member
#26
Apr 22, 2013
13,701
9,189
113
#26
buddy said:
Hello,
I have been married going on 7 years, My wife that I have been with for 11 years and mother of my 2 children, ages 3 and 2 has told me she cheated on me a year ago. She just told me this yesterday, I flew off the handle, went outside, she followed as I yelled and told her it's over, she ended this family, and gave my children instant disadvantages in their lives and happiness and becoming balanced, happy adults. We didn't have the perfect marriage but the betrayal. She said it was once she cheated by meeting someone out of town, she said she had an epiphany a couple weeks ago and has been happier thinking we could fix everything but she couldn't do it without coming clean. Since yesterday, I look at my children and start to think I can forgive my wife maybe and I obviously will never forget. But I want my children to have a family, I can't think of my wife getting the children and them not being in my every day. I know raising them in an unhappy household is not healthy as well but can we go on together, can we fix what was broke before and fix what is wrong now. Does anyone have experience, advice to offer? My heart is crushed
Click to expand...

I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. If you are both Christians, then please remember Romans 8:28.
You said you're wife wants to make a new start with you. She could have kept this hidden forever. You must do what God tells you. I don't know what that is. I'm only glad my wife forgave me for the things I have done, and I promise you, our marriage has never been better, and maybe it wouldn't be what it ia today without the pain she, and I, went through.
Because remember, although you are CERTAINLY the offended, and have every right to be angry and upset, she is in pain as well.

Think of the power you have to make an incredible impact on all of your lives by forgiving and starting over. Watch these people, and be blessed by how the Holy Spirit enabled these people to forgive the man who murdered their loved ones ONLY THE DAY BEFORE.

May God's peace that passes all understing fill your heart.[video=youtube;e26Eysq22Yg]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e26Eysq22Yg[/video]
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#27
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
113
#27
Re: need some advice and comfort

Heartbroken said:
hi everyone, sadly my husband decided to move out. It all blew out when he met a girl and befriended her over the holiday period. He said that they were just friends but I spoke to her and she didn't even know he was married or had a child. He met her everyday and they kissed. As far as I'm told! But my husband says that we have had problems for a while and that I'm missing that point. For me yes we did but this just did it for me! Now everytime he comes we don't talk and when we do we end up fighting. I'm heart broken!! But he still continues to say that they just friends even though it makes me unhappy. He says that I finally got want I wanted! And it's not true. I love him still and have already forgiven him. But he thinks that a divorce will make me happy. I think that this what he wants. It's been 2 months now. Should I give him space? We both hard headed. I miss him! But he hurt me. He needed someone else and me all I wanted was him. I didn't need a friend. He was the only one.
Click to expand...
I suggest you make a thread of your own, instead of derailing this OP's thread.. :)
 
iwant2serve

iwant2serve

Senior Member
#28
Apr 12, 2009
513
28
28
#28
buddy said:
Hello,
I have been married going on 7 years, My wife that I have been with for 11 years and mother of my 2 children, ages 3 and 2 has told me she cheated on me a year ago. She just told me this yesterday, I flew off the handle, went outside, she followed as I yelled and told her it's over, she ended this family, and gave my children instant disadvantages in their lives and happiness and becoming balanced, happy adults. We didn't have the perfect marriage but the betrayal. She said it was once she cheated by meeting someone out of town, she said she had an epiphany a couple weeks ago and has been happier thinking we could fix everything but she couldn't do it without coming clean. Since yesterday, I look at my children and start to think I can forgive my wife maybe and I obviously will never forget. But I want my children to have a family, I can't think of my wife getting the children and them not being in my every day. I know raising them in an unhappy household is not healthy as well but can we go on together, can we fix what was broke before and fix what is wrong now. Does anyone have experience, advice to offer? My heart is crushed
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Sir as a man who has been with my wife for over 30 years and married for 27 of those years here is the best thing I can say. I have been on both sides of the infidelity and we are still together and closer than we have ever been.

Do you love your wife? Because love will forgive and move forward.

Are you and your wife Believers? If Jesus forgave all your sins will he forgive your wife.

Did she have to tell you at all? She did confess to you what she did (came clean in hopes to move forward).

It hurts but I know the hurt goes away. If two people love each other and want to make a life together than nothing and I mean nothing can break them apart. The greatest love w can show anyone is forgiveness which is what God shows to us. What if God walked out on us for betraying him?
 
B

buddy

Guest
#29
#29
Hi, original poster here,
So I do love her tons and I did forgive her and we've been going to counseling and it's been very hard. Mostly I always think of looking at the joy and love in my 3year olds eyes and think of crushing her world by saying mommy's leaving and life is changing. I know that would crush her.
My wife has presented all of her devices for monitoring and checks in with me so I feel comfortable. I told her this is the time to be honest, that is all thats important to make this work, not revealing stuff to me and work on this marriage with me. Today I went through her old emails and found another affair 2 years after we were married, she did not tell me this, she said this past year she had cheated.
I am a wreck again, I found this out about an hour ago and she works all night, I let her know I knew and that where I am. How do I accept this, if she would have told me this with the others, would I have accepted it, she kept lying, I still am in the same place with not wanting to hurt my daughters but how much is too much, when do I decide I deserve more.
Still very lost all over again, any fresh ideas, numb here
thanks for all the great responses
 
S

Shpadoinkle

Guest
#30
#30
OP, there is a dedicated website to help folks like you and your wife (if she's willing), to find fellowship and to sort through all the emotions you're going through.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating (sorry mods if it's wrong to give a URL here)

If you go there and decide to join, tell them 6M$Man sent you. They know me there and they'll be nice to you.
 
I

integerlost

Banned
#31
Mar 23, 2016
128
0
0
#31
buddy said:
Hello,
I have been married going on 7 years, My wife that I have been with for 11 years and mother of my 2 children, ages 3 and 2 has told me she cheated on me a year ago. She just told me this yesterday, I flew off the handle, went outside, she followed as I yelled and told her it's over, she ended this family, and gave my children instant disadvantages in their lives and happiness and becoming balanced, happy adults. We didn't have the perfect marriage but the betrayal. She said it was once she cheated by meeting someone out of town, she said she had an epiphany a couple weeks ago and has been happier thinking we could fix everything but she couldn't do it without coming clean. Since yesterday, I look at my children and start to think I can forgive my wife maybe and I obviously will never forget. But I want my children to have a family, I can't think of my wife getting the children and them not being in my every day. I know raising them in an unhappy household is not healthy as well but can we go on together, can we fix what was broke before and fix what is wrong now. Does anyone have experience, advice to offer? My heart is crushed
Click to expand...
I weep for you, thats just awful isn't it. Your head must be going through a million scenarios. Remember, it rains on the just and unjust just the same. Who knows maybe the spirit convicted her so you wouldn't be left in the dark.
It's how you look at things that's the answer.
 
S

Stunnedbygrace

Senior Member
#32
Nov 12, 2015
9,112
823
113
#32
Hi buddy. I'm sorry you're going through this pain.
I don't know if this second discovery you've made is where your main focus should be. It's understandable why she didn't bring it all out at once. She was scared you wouldn't be able to forgive her and wanted just to confess. Not to confess every detail, but just to confess, see if your marriage could be saved and you could forgive her. The first time would have most likely come out at some point in counseling.

I think your focus should be on the WHY. You need to understand what was going on in her mind and heart to make her do this awful thing. To understand why does not mean it's a good excuse, but it's the only thing that's going to help YOU, so that you can then help your family by making the best decision you can for them. If we can understand someone elses motivation (pain, fear, anguish) for doing something awful, we can move to forgiveness.

Don't focus so much on what she did. She did it and that's done. Focus on WHY. That's what will help you move to forgiveness. And you need to find that way to forgiveness even if you decide you DON'T want to stay married.
 
S

Stand_Strong

Guest
#33
#33
My thoughts are more in line with those of tourist and blue ladybug.

Speaking from experience, the marriage is over. She is a cheater and she will do it again. Love, forgiveness and happy thoughts won't fix her problem. There is no "we fix". She will need to fix her problems and volunteer to be accountable to you in every way. Sadly, I have never actually seen this happen when there is infidelity on the part of the female. Marriage counseling is pointless because it will not change her deranged mindset and deceptive behavior. Also, think long and hard about why it took her a year to reveal this. Believe me, it didn't happen just this once. There are more details that you will never find out.

Children are a primary consideration but they will likely suffer either way - the questions are, how long should you allow them to be influenced by her, and to what extent?

Forgive her, but move on. She cannot be trusted. I know you are hurting my friend, but you need to be dealt with straightforwardly. Get counseling for yourself. Should you marry again, choose wisely.
 
E

EllaBloom

Guest
#34
#34
Hi, I have just come across your post and I want to encourage you to fight for your marriage. This is not an impossible situation even though it feels like it. Start taking the right steps immediately and pray for a willing heart for you and your wife. On her part she needs to be fully sorry for betraying you and not try to shift the blame on you. Seeing that she regrets what she had done will help you to forgive her. On your part, you should look into your heart and face the things that were not right in your relationship to let her know you want positive changes and that you care about her. Forgiveness is not about forgetting or saying it was ok but about not letting the betrayal ruin the rest of your life together, not letting yourself to become bitter.
Unfortunately we went through the same situation only worse as my husband cheated for 15 months and I faced a mountain of lies as well as betrayal. You can read about it on my blog mybloomsday.wordpress.com
There are some links and songs that helped me go through it.
It will be a process but saving a family, especially when there are children is absolutely worth it. Your marriage will be even stronger at the end of it. Don't be afraid to look for professional help but make sure your therapist is pro marriage.
 
PennEd

PennEd

Senior Member
#35
Apr 22, 2013
13,701
9,189
113
#35
buddy said:
Hi, original poster here,
So I do love her tons and I did forgive her and we've been going to counseling and it's been very hard. Mostly I always think of looking at the joy and love in my 3year olds eyes and think of crushing her world by saying mommy's leaving and life is changing. I know that would crush her.
My wife has presented all of her devices for monitoring and checks in with me so I feel comfortable. I told her this is the time to be honest, that is all thats important to make this work, not revealing stuff to me and work on this marriage with me. Today I went through her old emails and found another affair 2 years after we were married, she did not tell me this, she said this past year she had cheated.
I am a wreck again, I found this out about an hour ago and she works all night, I let her know I knew and that where I am. How do I accept this, if she would have told me this with the others, would I have accepted it, she kept lying, I still am in the same place with not wanting to hurt my daughters but how much is too much, when do I decide I deserve more.
Still very lost all over again, any fresh ideas, numb here
thanks for all the great responses
Click to expand...
Since she willingly gave you all her devices she must have known you would discover the 1st infidelity. I agree with Stunnedby Grace, she was afraid. But YOU said now is the time to be completely honest. This was her way of doing it. With God's Grace you can get past this. I truly am sorry you are going through this pain, but what has changed since the 1st discovery? You love her, she has confessed, and appears to have truly repented. Please read the book of Hosea.

Dear heavenly Father, please intervene with Your Mighty Hand in this relationship. Use all this pain and heartache for their good and Your Glory. In Jesus precious Name I pray.
 
B

beachin

Member
#36
Mar 26, 2016
31
0
6
#36
buddy said:
Hi, original poster here,
So I do love her tons and I did forgive her and we've been going to counseling and it's been very hard. Mostly I always think of looking at the joy and love in my 3year olds eyes and think of crushing her world by saying mommy's leaving and life is changing. I know that would crush her.
My wife has presented all of her devices for monitoring and checks in with me so I feel comfortable. I told her this is the time to be honest, that is all thats important to make this work, not revealing stuff to me and work on this marriage with me. Today I went through her old emails and found another affair 2 years after we were married, she did not tell me this, she said this past year she had cheated.
I am a wreck again, I found this out about an hour ago and she works all night, I let her know I knew and that where I am. How do I accept this, if she would have told me this with the others, would I have accepted it, she kept lying, I still am in the same place with not wanting to hurt my daughters but how much is too much, when do I decide I deserve more.
Still very lost all over again, any fresh ideas, numb here
thanks for all the great responses
Click to expand...
I am fairly new to this site and forum idea, but I just read your post and felt led to reply. I am on the other side of a similar situation. First, I just want to encourage you that you will get through this. It will be hard, but God can do an amazing work if you let Him - and that may be with or without your wife.

I whole-heartedly believe God's design is for families to stay together so I definitely agree with the others that are saying fight for your marriage. The marriage splitting will be very difficult on your child. Having said all of that, you also cannot force your wife to be truly repentant and to want to change. Counseling is a great resource, if she truly wants the help. (I'm speaking from experience where my spouse and I went to counseling for months where he never put any effort in - he just went and sat in a chair as if he expected our counselor to wave a magic wand and make everything better.) Counseling can even be a great resource for you to deal with the emotions. I continued going long after my spouse stopped just because it helped me undo some of the emotional damage that had been done.

Regardless of what happens, like I said before, you will get through this. You may need to let her go for your own emotional and spiritual health. I drove myself crazy with the worry and distrust and jealousy, etc. Once I finally accepted it and let him go, it was a huge weight off of me and God has given me more peace and strength and drew me closer to Himself in the past few years than I ever knew was possible. Sorry for being so long-winded. Just keep trusting and relying on God to get your through and He will (and I understand completely that is easier said than done in this situation). I'll be praying for you.
 
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buddy

Guest
#37
#37
OP here with updates,
thanks for all your words, advice, and compassion.
We are working on our marriage, it has been one month and it's been harder then anything I could have ever imagined. From thinking about how could she do this, to how could she do this with multiple partners(craigslist), to my poor daughters and how I would do anything to not have to tell them their perfect world is over.

It's a daily struggle and we are still doing marriage counseling. She doesn't mind talking about it in a designated time per day but this is all I have on my shoulders and I really hope anyone can lend some insight and help. I can have trouble communicating because she doesn't want to talk about marriage stuff all day, I have trouble communicating because I don't want to upset her, her slightest disappointment in me can have me crazy because I am so worried about her escaping mentally again and cheating, I am so anxious because I don't trust her.

My heart is crushed and I don't want to be the one trying so hard to make her comfortable when I'm the one damaged, has anyone successfully navigated through and of these times or can anyone help
 
D

dalconn

Guest
#38
#38
buddy, don't risk your families future to the poor advice you'll find on this site. If you're a plugged in Christian then you have a mens bible study/ fellowship and a pastor to seek counsel from, and did I mention Jesus?

I will pray for your guidance and Gods protection...I pray it all works out
 
D

dalconn

Guest
#39
#39
Stand_Strong said:
My thoughts are more in line with those of tourist and blue ladybug.

Speaking from experience, the marriage is over. She is a cheater and she will do it again. Love, forgiveness and happy thoughts won't fix her problem. There is no "we fix". She will need to fix her problems and volunteer to be accountable to you in every way. Sadly, I have never actually seen this happen when there is infidelity on the part of the female. Marriage counseling is pointless because it will not change her deranged mindset and deceptive behavior. Also, think long and hard about why it took her a year to reveal this. Believe me, it didn't happen just this once. There are more details that you will never find out.

Children are a primary consideration but they will likely suffer either way - the questions are, how long should you allow them to be influenced by her, and to what extent?

Forgive her, but move on. She cannot be trusted. I know you are hurting my friend, but you need to be dealt with straightforwardly. Get counseling for yourself. Should you marry again, choose wisely.
Click to expand...

You must have been one of Jobs counselors too
 
C

coby

Guest
#40
#40
buddy said:
OP here with updates,
thanks for all your words, advice, and compassion.
We are working on our marriage, it has been one month and it's been harder then anything I could have ever imagined. From thinking about how could she do this, to how could she do this with multiple partners(craigslist), to my poor daughters and how I would do anything to not have to tell them their perfect world is over.

It's a daily struggle and we are still doing marriage counseling. She doesn't mind talking about it in a designated time per day but this is all I have on my shoulders and I really hope anyone can lend some insight and help. I can have trouble communicating because she doesn't want to talk about marriage stuff all day, I have trouble communicating because I don't want to upset her, her slightest disappointment in me can have me crazy because I am so worried about her escaping mentally again and cheating, I am so anxious because I don't trust her.

My heart is crushed and I don't want to be the one trying so hard to make her comfortable when I'm the one damaged, has anyone successfully navigated through and of these times or can anyone help
Click to expand...
If she's really sorry and really repents she'll go for any help she can get. I saw those marriages get healed up with T.B. Joshua, but they did come to be set free from that demon and would kneel down to their husbands, asking him to forgive her. Africa is a bit different than the West. Go for a healing week in Toronto. You need to heal up from this too. A couple in our church went there. He cheated with men and women and really repented there. She didn't want to go on, but there was restoration and he's now married to someone else and faithful.
If she doesn't want deliverance or help I'd just give up, because if she doesn't really repent she'll keep doing it. And it's your choice, but watch out. I heard they give the kids to the mother in America.
 
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