Premarital sex

[presidente]

I don't mean to give you a hard time, but I don't really get why Christians date people they don't clearly know are Christians. When I was a single man, I wouldn't just go up to a good-looking girl and flirt with her and get her number, especially not when I was living in a Muslim-majority country. I'd have to know a woman was a Christian before I would consider that sort of thing.

Maybe it's different for women if they have men coming up to them and asking for their number. And now days, Gen Y young people just 'hang out', not clearly calling it asking a girl out. So I can see how this stuff would get fuzzy.

I forgot to mention this in the last post. If a woman sleeps with a man, he MIGHT lose interest in her. That isn't always the case. People who slept together get married all the time these days. You sinned, and it made things a lot messier.

If he wants to be come a Christian and he's sincere, not just doing it to satisfy you, but taking some initiative on his own, then you might consider dating him, but in a way where you aren't tempted to sleep with him. If he comes under conviction and realizes and agrees that fornication is a sin, then you might be able to work something out without there being huge temptation. But there are a lot of reasons not to marry a man who doesn't have or at least develop some decent sexual standards.

Some people think fornication is no big deal. Adultery certainly has to be less of a big deal to these people than it does to people who believe in abstaining from fornication. Plenty of people think you stay married as long as you have certain feelings for each other, and that divorce is okay when the feelings are gone. These are the type of people who don't understand commitment or covenant, and are high risk marriage partners.

 

[sharkwhales]

I don't want to do this again. I have failed God. I feel so worthless. I want to learn to save myself and until marriage but now it's too late because I know once a woman gives herself away the man no longer has the desire to chase her or marry her so that leaves me with no choice but to break up with him.

what? I'm sorry but that seems like a ridiculous way to think about relationships. If he loves you or is interested in more than sex, he will still see value in the relationship. If he isn't interested in more than sex then the relationship isn't real anyway. It seems like you're thinking very negatively and making a lot of assumptions about how guys build relationships.

Granted, guys focus on sex, but it isn't what keeps them around... for 6 months or a year or for a lifetime. Part of what sex is, is symbolic of how we value ourselves, and how you value yourself is a big part of what attracts a (mature) man.

The part before the bold, in the quote, seems like a more serious issue. 'I have failed God, I feel worthless.' I don't think God sees you that way and both you and your relationship will benefit if you see yourself the way God sees you -- as more than your mistakes.

Perhaps try talking to the guy and see if he feels the same way - that sexuality at this stage isn't healthy and the relationship isn't ready for it.

If you respect yourself that is part of the attraction. Waiting for marriage can be part of self-respect and respect from a love interest. But if you lose all respect for yourself over one mistake, it's not really solid self-respect; mistakes will happen and you have to handle it with grace towards eachother and with grace toward yourself. Maybe you need to let God work on your identity so you don't react so strongly? Accept more of God's love?

 

[etanks21]

Were you a virgin before you had sex with him? In the Old Testament, if a man had sex with a virgin, he was required to pay the bride price for virgins and to marry her... if her father would have him as a son-in-law. Otherwise, he just paid the bride price.

As far as being doomed to divorce for premarital sex is concerned... there was a study in 1990 in the Journal of Marriage and Family by Teachman. In it, couples where the wife was either a virgin or had only fornicated with the woman she ended up married had much lower rates of 'marital disruption' (e.g. divorce) than couples where the wife slept around. I've read there is some other data indicating the more partners a woman has, the more likely marriage is to end in divorce. I don't think that was peer reviewed like Teachman (1990), just some observations based off a massive survey on a blog.

Statistically, men being virgins didn't have the same affect. The lower divorce rate held for women who'd only fornicated with their husbands prior to marriage.

Anyway, think about that, and the fact that God had men who took a woman's virginity marry her. If you were both Christians and virgins and fell into sexual sin, telling you to break up because premarital sex leads to divorce doesn't make sense to me. First of all, I don't think that's statistically true. Second, look at what the Old Testament says.

And we also have to remember we aren't statistics. We are people. God can redeem people who fell into sexual sin and give them successful marriages, too. Not every woman who sleeps around before marriage gets divorced, even if the rates are higher for them.

The real concern is whether he is a Christian or not. He doesn't attend church. But has he every professed faith in Christ Has he been baptized? A lot of people have become believers but still need to be discipled. If he's interested in the faith, maybe you could find out someone in the city he lives in who could evangelize and disciple him.

I wasn't a virgin before I got with this man. I am not proud saying this which is why I had these feelings of just breaking up and getting it over with since I have broken a very important law.

 

[etanks21]

what? I'm sorry but that seems like a ridiculous way to think about relationships. If he loves you or is interested in more than sex, he will still see value in the relationship. If he isn't interested in more than sex then the relationship isn't real anyway. It seems like you're thinking very negatively and making a lot of assumptions about how guys build relationships.

Granted, guys focus on sex, but it isn't what keeps them around... for 6 months or a year or for a lifetime. Part of what sex is, is symbolic of how we value ourselves, and how you value yourself is a big part of what attracts a (mature) man.

The part before the bold, in the quote, seems like a more serious issue. 'I have failed God, I feel worthless.' I don't think God sees you that way and both you and your relationship will benefit if you see yourself the way God sees you -- as more than your mistakes.

Perhaps try talking to the guy and see if he feels the same way - that sexuality at this stage isn't healthy and the relationship isn't ready for it.

If you respect yourself that is part of the attraction. Waiting for marriage can be part of self-respect and respect from a love interest. But if you lose all respect for yourself over one mistake, it's not really solid self-respect; mistakes will happen and you have to handle it with grace towards eachother and with grace toward yourself. Maybe you need to let God work on your identity so you don't react so strongly? Accept more of God's love?

What about you? Have you had sex with a woman before marriage and still had interest in her. If I may ask?

 

[coby2]

What about you? Have you had sex with a woman before marriage and still had interest in her. If I may ask?

Almost all people who are married had sex before marriage. I know one who didn't. A now pastor who only met his then girlfriend in church with the services. Most people don't do that.

 

[sharkwhales]

What about you? Have you had sex with a woman before marriage and still had interest in her. If I may ask?

yes and yes, although I agree that waiting is the best way.

 

[presidente]

Almost all people who are married had sex before marriage. I know one who didn't. A now pastor who only met his then girlfriend in church with the services. Most people don't do that.

I waited. My wife waited. I'm an American citizen. She's Indonesian. We met over there. In Indonesia, virginity before marriage seemed to be the norm. At least it was treated as such and it was expected of both men and women to be virgins at marriage. I think they have a whole lot more virgins at marriage than the west, where the entertainment industry promotes the idea that people are supposed to have sex before marriage and fornication is seen as the norm.

I sat in an Intro to Sociology class in the 1990s-- about 50 to 70 or 80 students--and the professor said there was a crime he knew we all had committed-- shoplifting. I thought, "I've never done that." He said it again a few weeks later, and I said, "I never did that." One girl (later a runner-up in the state beauty pageant) said, "I haven't either." Everyone else kept quiet.

The Bible says, "Thou shalt not steal."

 

[coby2]

I waited. My wife waited. I'm an American citizen. She's Indonesian. We met over there. In Indonesia, virginity before marriage seemed to be the norm. At least it was treated as such and it was expected of both men and women to be virgins at marriage. I think they have a whole lot more virgins at marriage than the west, where the entertainment industry promotes the idea that people are supposed to have sex before marriage and fornication is seen as the norm.

I sat in an Intro to Sociology class in the 1990s-- about 50 to 70 or 80 students--and the professor said there was a crime he knew we all had committed-- shoplifting. I thought, "I've never done that." He said it again a few weeks later, and I said, "I never did that." One girl (later a runner-up in the state beauty pageant) said, "I haven't either." Everyone else kept quiet.

The Bible says, "Thou shalt not steal."

If you want a man in Holland don't expect him to not keep pushing from day 1 until you give in and they don't keep their hands with 'em. Either fornicate or stay alone. So I stay alone.

 

[MsSuzanna]

If you want a man in Holland don't expect him to not keep pushing from day 1 until you give in and they don't keep their hands with 'em. Either fornicate or stay alone. So I stay alone.

Try wearing different clothes choices and you may attract a godly man

 

[Dan58]

I don't think so. He said he loves that I have a connection with God but after what I did I'm not such a good Christian. He prays with me and for me but doesn't go to church. So I guess he's not a Christian

Who's he praying to? Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. I'd tell him that you made a mistake because you don't believe in premarital sex. If he loses interest, then he was only interested in one thing, but if he wants to continue the relationship, you'll know he has genuine interest. You say you love him, but you seem to want to dump him because you made a mistake. You both put the cart before the horse (sex with no commitment). Rectify the mutual screw-up and repent. Then proceed the right way.. jmo

 

[Noy]

Hi, first of all I was not a christian since I have not baptize yet as they say, but I knew by heart my life now belongs to Jesus Christ, I have accepted Him as my only saviour.

Probably, you and my wife had been on the same dilema when we committed this kind of mistake. My wife is a sincere christian, she grew up in a christian family and has been a very active in church activities too.

We got involved on this premarital thing five months after we met. My wife's heart was broken too that time, she felt like she no longer a worthy person anymore, and no reason to face the Lord. Her conscience was breaking her up everytime we do the thing, as you know we only not done it once but multiple times. She was so depressed to the point she asked God to take her life just to spare us from keeping sin. She prayed hard to God about her situation and how she can avoid me without breaking my heart.

She never confronted me on what we were doing nor discuss it with me, but she planned to leave me despite of her heart's desire she just afraid of my response that time.

But God always deliver His childrean, on our sixth month I have decided to asked her to marry me and with a prepared heart to accept too whoever her God was , to make the story short. We celebrated our vows in a christian wedding, we were blessed with a beautiful daugther.

She told me about all of this when we were on our third year as couple. Now, we worship God together and day by day experience the Lord's blessing.

All you have to do is to pray hard for your man and yourself, always remember our God is a forgiving god and delivers His children in righteousness. You might be the way of calling His another lost son just like me.