4th time cheated on in 6 years

[Lady_Red]

I have been married for a long time. My husband has always had a porn addiction but I never really knew how deep it was. It has now become actual people he is meeting online. The last one a guy. When I confronted him, he agreed to move out and has been gone for a couple of weeks now. I have spoken to him a few times about bills and stuff. Never once has he tried to apologize for what has happened or said anything except about money.

Some friends feel I should take him back if he apologizes and really gets help. Others feel I am ok to divorce since it has been 4 times in 6 years and no remorse or real attempts to work on our marriage. I don't want advice. Right now I am seriously grieving. As though someone has died. Some days I feel good and others I am just falling apart, in front of my kids.

Why am I here? Because I just need to not be alone in this and talk. I understand this is his addiction and he needs to really let God take control and really work on overcoming this but he doesn't want to. I still love him dearly. I am praying for him every night to get help but right now, I cannot remain his wife when he is putting me in danger. I now have to go get tested for STDs and I am blown away I have to do this.

Anyways, I am in total prayer about this and I do feel God moving in my life and I know He will walk through this with me.

 

[JosephsDreams]

A lot of people here will be praying. I pray and hope he seeks out Jesus. And that your marriage will be healed.

 

[Dan58]

Its always a heart break when trust is breached, its sad that a person would throw away his family in favor of a perversion. And imo, it is a perversion, not an addiction. But I believe your doing the right thing, its the only thing you can do. He obviously has out-of-control lust that he's not willing to get under control. Marriage is when 2 people are joined together to become one, so its natural to feel betrayed when the other steps out. It kills a marriage, the other half is gone, so it will feel as though someone has died. But you also mentioned that his last 'meeting' was with a guy, so your husband obviously has deeper issues going on. Hang tough and stay strong, change is never easy, but I believe its necessary.

 

[santuzza]

I'm so sorry about this -- I can't imagine the pain you must be going through.

I do believe you have your head on straight about this, as difficult as it is. And I know you said you didn't want advice, but I just want to encourage you to stick to your guns and do not take him back unless and until there is REAL, measurable change in the man. Don't take him back on a promise that he'll change. He probably won't until he really hits rock bottom, and that may never come, sad to say.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[blue_ladybug]

If he doesn't want to stop, he won't. He has to WANT to stop doing this and it doesn't seem he wants help from Jesus or anyone for that matter. You're doing the right thing by having him move out, and I hope your STD tests come back negative. He's committed adultery, so you have a valid reason for divorce, if you should choose to go that route.

 

[dalconn]

May God bless you Lady_Red! just staying in the Fathers presence about this and especially stay in Christian fellowship. Your husband is in bondage and most miserable, let us not relent in prayer for you and for him regardless of the outcome.

 

[Lady_Red]

Thank you all very much for your kind words and support. I am not rushing to take him back or rushing to get divorced. I really am in no position to make any decisions right now other than making sure our kids still have a home, food, etc.

I know God can truly restore a marriage and truly restore a person. I have seen a person restored from addictions. I am one who has been restored. I know there is no one so far gone that they cannot be healed completely. I also know that it takes really giving up and letting God take over. He has never been willing. Praying for his rock bottom. Regardless what happens to our marriage, I pray he is able to overcome this. I know he is super miserable because he has been so cruel to our kids and to me. Angry and difficult to be around. Mostly isolated himself and snapped about everything.

 

[Dino246]

Hello again, Lady_Red,
Along with praying, may I make two suggestions:

- Look on YouTube for a series of videos from TheDove.TV with Patrick Doyle. He is a Christian counselor with a lot of experience and wisdom. Several of his videos discuss subjects relevant to your situation.
- Seek local Christian help. It sounds like you are seeking God in this; that is really good. Also seek help from your church. At least tell the pastor or a wise older female what you're going through. You need real, face-to-face support at this time, if for no other reason than to be a sounding board (and there are lots of other good reasons).

It is respectable that you are praying for your husband's 'rock bottom'... because there he may turn to Jesus. For now though, you might want to put your marriage entirely in God's hands. Don't hold to a particular outcome, because it will hinder your ability to walk through the stuff which you will face. You might also consider separating yourself financially for your own protection, but the situation may not warrant it.

 

[Lady_Red]

I am going to a very good church, have been talking to my friends who are huge prayer warriors and also give Godly advice. I just don't have anyone to talk to face to face who is going through this or who has gone through this. I looked online for local support groups but they are all ending for summer. That is why I logged on here... To just have somewhere I can go and talk.

Like I mentioned earlier... I am in no position to make decisions right now. I can't decide whether or not to divorce. I am seriously mourning my marriage. I love my husband and when he cheated on me in the past, I honestly forgave him. It wasn't easy and took mega prayers to God to help me give him grace, but I was able to forgive him and love him. This time, I am just so broken. Why is this time different? I don't know. Maybe because it has progressively gotten worse... His 30 to 45 minute bathroom breaks. His email to the guy he was seeing, planning meet ups after work, the picture exchanges, the planning to sneak around whIle I was in the hospital three weeks ago. Yes, I recently had surgery and we were in the hospital for 5 days. Now I know why he was always making up reasons to leave my room. Now I know why he was angry with me when the dr told me I wasn't ready to go home and had to stay longer. Now I know why he left me in the hospital when the next day the dr said I still wasn't able to go home. I can't think of a lower thing to do to someone: cheat on them when they are having surgery and need you. I know he needs help and I pray God breaks him down to the point he finally loses his pride and admits he needs Him. I want our marriage restored. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't hoping for that. I love him. He was my best friend. I literally feel like half of me is dead.

My emotions are spiraling. I need a miracle

 

[Lady_Red]

Hello again, Lady_Red,
Along with praying, may I make two suggestions:

- Look on YouTube for a series of videos from TheDove.TV with Patrick Doyle. He is a Christian counselor with a lot of experience and wisdom. Several of his videos discuss subjects relevant to your situation.
- Seek local Christian help. It sounds like you are seeking God in this; that is really good. Also seek help from your church. At least tell the pastor or a wise older female what you're going through. You need real, face-to-face support at this time, if for no other reason than to be a sounding board (and there are lots of other good reasons).

It is respectable that you are praying for your husband's 'rock bottom'... because there he may turn to Jesus. For now though, you might want to put your marriage entirely in God's hands. Don't hold to a particular outcome, because it will hinder your ability to walk through the stuff which you will face. You might also consider separating yourself financially for your own protection, but the situation may not warrant it.

I will definitely look on YouTube for those videos. Our pastor and his wife have really helped our family with all of this. In regards to financial stuff... I am still not able to work because of my surgery. So, I have been selling furniture, clothes, etc to pay bills. I have no idea if my husband is planning to help or not. I probably won't be able to work for another 3 weeks. I had massive hernias in my stomach from previous surgeries so this has really been difficult. Thank God for my teenage son who has been so good to me. Helping me whenever I needed it.

 

[Depleted]

I have been married for a long time. My husband has always had a porn addiction but I never really knew how deep it was. It has now become actual people he is meeting online. The last one a guy. When I confronted him, he agreed to move out and has been gone for a couple of weeks now. I have spoken to him a few times about bills and stuff. Never once has he tried to apologize for what has happened or said anything except about money.

Some friends feel I should take him back if he apologizes and really gets help. Others feel I am ok to divorce since it has been 4 times in 6 years and no remorse or real attempts to work on our marriage. I don't want advice. Right now I am seriously grieving. As though someone has died. Some days I feel good and others I am just falling apart, in front of my kids.

Why am I here? Because I just need to not be alone in this and talk. I understand this is his addiction and he needs to really let God take control and really work on overcoming this but he doesn't want to. I still love him dearly. I am praying for him every night to get help but right now, I cannot remain his wife when he is putting me in danger. I now have to go get tested for STDs and I am blown away I have to do this.

Anyways, I am in total prayer about this and I do feel God moving in my life and I know He will walk through this with me.

No. It's not an addiction. No, it's not porn. He cheated on you four times. At this point in time I'd tell any friend who told me I need to take him back that they are free to live with him. There is absolutely no trust left and no way to gain that much trust back.

Usually I go with check out the Bible for God's answer. And, yes, you can go with that here too, but this time I know God's answer. Be over with him. You offered him ever cheek you had and he slapped you four times. It's over! There is nothing God's going to say other than Matt. 19:8. This is as clear an example of heart hardening as it gets.

Sure divorce hurts, but after what you've been through? Not THAT much!

 

[Lady_Red]

I disagree that there is no way to gain trust back because I have. Every time, I have learned to trust him. The only, only reason I found out this last time was because I sent him a tect and asked him to pray for a friend of ours and he made a comment about how loving I was and I got a super sick feeling in my gut. He was feeling guilty for something to randomly say that about me. He has made comments in the past similar to that comment and I later found out he was feeling guilty for cheating on me. Well, later that night I was going to check my email and noticed he was still logged in and i had that sick feeling again so I looked. Found everything.

So, back to my point... Jesus was about grace and forgiveness and I never thought I could forgive but I did and have. Several times. How many times am I supposed to forgive this man for completely wrecking Mt heart??? I don't know. I can't even think right now. I shouldn't think right now.

I am only listening to God and until I hear Him direct me, I will wait.

 

[Lady_Red]

I disagree that there is no way to gain trust back because I have. Every time, I have learned to trust him. The only, only reason I found out this last time was because I sent him a tect and asked him to pray for a friend of ours and he made a comment about how loving I was and I got a super sick feeling in my gut. He was feeling guilty for something to randomly say that about me. He has made comments in the past similar to that comment and I later found out he was feeling guilty for cheating on me. Well, later that night I was going to check my email and noticed he was still logged in and i had that sick feeling again so I looked. Found everything.

So, back to my point... Jesus was about grace and forgiveness and I never thought I could forgive but I did and have. Several times. How many times am I supposed to forgive this man for completely wrecking Mt heart??? I don't know. I can't even think right now. I shouldn't think right now.

I am only listening to God and until I hear Him direct me, I will wait.

 

[Depleted]

I disagree that there is no way to gain trust back because I have. Every time, I have learned to trust him. The only, only reason I found out this last time was because I sent him a tect and asked him to pray for a friend of ours and he made a comment about how loving I was and I got a super sick feeling in my gut. He was feeling guilty for something to randomly say that about me. He has made comments in the past similar to that comment and I later found out he was feeling guilty for cheating on me. Well, later that night I was going to check my email and noticed he was still logged in and i had that sick feeling again so I looked. Found everything.

So, back to my point... Jesus was about grace and forgiveness and I never thought I could forgive but I did and have. Several times. How many times am I supposed to forgive this man for completely wrecking Mt heart??? I don't know. I can't even think right now. I shouldn't think right now.

I am only listening to God and until I hear Him direct me, I will wait.

Trust is earned by being trustworthy. If you keep taking him back that's not trust, unless you trust he'll keep doing it to you again and again.

This is a very good time to think. I never said not to forgive him. I said he broke trust and there is no going back after continuing to do that.

What you're doing isn't much different than a rape target going back to the rapist, forgiving, and inviting him to live with you. That serious a violation of who you are.

Notice something. Jesus never forgave Judas, but he forgave Peter.

 

[blue_ladybug]

The man has cheated on you FOUR TIMES. Stop playing the fool, and stop taking him back time after time. You are enabling him and he knows he can get away with it because you "trust" him. HE IS NOT GOING TO STOP CHEATING!! So stop deluding yourself, and put an end to all this needless agony that you inevitably go through EVERY TIME he cheats AGAIN.. He is playing you for a sucker, and you're letting him do it. Wise up and end this farce of a marriage, and move on. Your marriage ended the first time he had a romp in bed with someone else.. :/ God does NOT want you in a marriage like this. This is NOT a marriage that God intended for you. Cheaters rarely stop cheating, and they are only sorry that their spouse found out about it, they ain't sorry because they cheated. He feels guilty? Obviously he doesn't feel THAT guilty if he's done this FOUR times in SIX years. Stop letting him put your health in danger. Stop letting him manipulate you. Each time you take him back that tells him that you're content being the "other woman" in this sham marriage. It tells him he can still cheat on you because you won't leave him. You're letting him have his cake AND eat it too. Put your foot down and tell him this isn't gonna happen anymore..

You and your kids deserve better. Stop putting your kids through this time after time. It's not fair to them for you to keep blindly trusting this guy, only to have it happen time and again. It's not fair of you to keep hurting them like this..

 

[Lady_Red]

And why are you so angry about this? Way to be loving to someone going through an awful time. Can you just please leave me alone? I don't need angry and rude people talking to me.

 

[MsSuzanna]

And why are you so angry about this? Way to be loving to someone going through an awful time. Can you just please leave me alone? I don't need angry and rude people talking to me.

I think Blue is just giving you the hard facts. Sometimes the writing on the wall can be seen by those who are not going through the crisis. Did you want us to tickle your ears? Your husband is a habitual cheater and with men none less! He is addicted to porn. You need to put the KIDS FIRST. He will cheat for the 5th time soon enough. You have biblical legal grounds to leave and never go back. Why are you believing in a fairy tale? Are you afraid to do it all on your own? God will see you through. Have you ever heard the story of the guy on the roof in a hurricane? It seems the answer has been there and you want to think past behavior doesnt pretty much dictate future behavior. You can raise those kids by yourself. They feel what you feel. They are stressed when you are stressed. They may not tell you but that is a fact! Stay away from a man who has run your heart through the meat grinder. You deserve better and your kids deserve better. Blessings to you and yours miss. Btw, Im not angry and I am not yelling. My tone is calm. I am simply seeing what you refuse to see

 

[blue_ladybug]

I'm not angry at all. I've been through it firsthand with THREE separate relationships, from start to end. I finally smartened up and stopped letting myself get lied to and used time and again. So I DO know what I'm talking about. It's no fun being cheated on, and it's even worse to have your trust trampled on several times over. They were only sorry that I caught them red-handed. They were NOT sorry for cheating on me. If you think you can get him to stop, you're wrong. He doesn't WANT to stop. You say you're waiting for him to hit rock-bottom before he will stop? His rock bottom would be YOU wising up and taking the kids and leaving him. Even then that's no guarantee that he'll stop cheating.

I'm not being rude. I'm a very direct, straight forward person and I don't sugar coat things. I call things as I see them, and I don't beat around the bush. This situation will not resolve itself. :/ I think you know the truth, you just refuse to admit it to yourself. What happens if you test positive for STD's? What if he gave you HIV, AIDS, or herpes? Those are deadly diseases, there is no cure. Are you going to gamble with your life like this? Are you gonna gamble with your kid's lives? Please wise up before it's too late..

 

[blue_ladybug]

I think Blue is just giving you the hard facts. Sometimes the writing on the wall can be seen by those who are not going through the crisis. Did you want us to tickle your ears? Your husband is a habitual cheater and with men none less! He is addicted to porn. You need to put the KIDS FIRST. He will cheat for the 5th time soon enough. You have biblical legal grounds to leave and never go back. Why are you believing in a fairy tale? Are you afraid to do it all on your own? God will see you through. Have you ever heard the story of the guy on the roof in a hurricane? It seems the answer has been there and you want to think past behavior doesnt pretty much dictate future behavior. You can raise those kids by yourself. They feel what you feel. They are stressed when you are stressed. They may not tell you but that is a fact! Stay away from a man who has run your heart through the meat grinder. You deserve better and your kids deserve better. Blessings to you and yours miss. Btw, Im not angry and I am not yelling. My tone is calm. I am simply seeing what you refuse to see

Since he's moved out, he's past the 5th time of cheating. Wayyy past it. My exes were sex addicts who bedded probably 5 girls a DAY. 5 girls a day for 2 years each, that's ALOT of women. :/ I'm extremely lucky I didn't get any diseases from them. I finally smartened up and realized what a mess I was in, so I left and let them continue to cheat on the other girls they were with. Some of them wised up, some didn't. But nearly all of them have 1 or more STD's now.

 

[MsSuzanna]

I'm not angry at all. I've been through it firsthand with THREE separate relationships, from start to end. I finally smartened up and stopped letting myself get lied to and used time and again. So I DO know what I'm talking about. It's no fun being cheated on, and it's even worse to have your trust trampled on several times over. They were only sorry that I caught them red-handed. They were NOT sorry for cheating on me. If you think you can get him to stop, you're wrong. He doesn't WANT to stop. You say you're waiting for him to hit rock-bottom before he will stop? His rock bottom would be YOU wising up and taking the kids and leaving him. Even then that's no guarantee that he'll stop cheating.

I'm not being rude. I'm a very direct, straight forward person and I don't sugar coat things. I call things as I see them, and I don't beat around the bush. This situation will not resolve itself. :/ I think you know the truth, you just refuse to admit it to yourself. What happens if you test positive for STD's? What if he gave you HIV, AIDS, or herpes? Those are deadly diseases, there is no cure. Are you going to gamble with your life like this? Are you gonna gamble with your kid's lives? Please wise up before it's too late..

My advice for her would be totally different if he had cheated only once. Four times? Children in the picture? Hmmmm...
fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me