Need Help

[Jazzlynn]

Hey,

I need some kind of guidance with my in-laws. There's a ton to it, if you want/need to know it or a specific event I'll talk. I just need someone who has had issues also to help me.

Thank you

 

[popeye]

Where exactly are you being micro managed?

 

[Jazzlynn]

Time between them, our life and my family and money. Plus they try to "buy our love" and want us to do what they want after that.

 

[notmyown]

Time between them, our life and my family and money. Plus they try to "buy our love" and want us to do what they want after that.

i'm sorry.

so not so much buy your love as buy your, um, submission to their will?

 

[Jazzlynn]

i'm sorry.

so not so much buy your love as buy your, um, submission to their will?

Yep, but they see it as being gracious and giving

 

[notmyown]

Yep, but they see it as being gracious and giving

i've lived years of this kinda thing, so i guess my next question is

what does your husband say about it?

 

[Messy]

Yep, but they see it as being gracious and giving

I think it is, plus some extra free control lol. Better don't accept money if you don't want control.

 

[Jazzlynn]

i've lived years of this kinda thing, so i guess my next question is

what does your husband say about it?

He hates it, he's stood up a lot of they would cut us off if we said or did to much and he loves them. Plus a lot of the stuff is things that he grew up with and I didn't.

 

[Jazzlynn]

I think it is, plus some extra free control lol. Better don't accept money if you don't want control.

There hasn't been money till just recently.

 

[notmyown]

He hates it, he's stood up a lot of they would cut us off if we said or did to much and he loves them. Plus a lot of the stuff is things that he grew up with and I didn't.

(i'm not trying to pry, but to understand...)

are you a bit financially dependent on them?

i completely understand the love, and the 'he's used to it' phenomenon.
may i ask how old you are (just an age range) and about how long you've been married?

 

[Messy]

I once saw a movie from Peter Horrobin. Don't let your inlaws become outlaws. There were a lot of couples who even moved to another state to get rid of the control.

 

[Jazzlynn]

(i'm not trying to pry, but to understand...)

are you a bit financially dependent on them?

i completely understand the love, and the 'he's used to it' phenomenon.
may i ask how old you are (just an age range) and about how long you've been married?

Noooo.... We are just fine on our own, two cars, a house, all bills paid. His grandpa died and his mom decided she wanted to give part of the inheritance to her kids. We're both 21 and we've been married for a year.

The things he is used to is stuff like his demanding dad and his mom's attitude and such.

 

[notmyown]

Noooo.... We are just fine on our own, two cars, a house, all bills paid. His grandpa died and his mom decided she wanted to give part of the inheritance to her kids. We're both 21 and we've been married for a year.

The things he is used to is stuff like his demanding dad and his mom's attitude and such.

oic, thanks!

i can only say this is gonna be something the two of you have to work out between yourselves before any major change will happen with your in-laws. you'll both have to be on the same page, agreeing about how things really are, and what needs to change.

(i know... old people! lol) but you're young. a year isn't a terribly long time. i get the impression you'd like for him to put you first, and in some ways this will be difficult for him. changing lifelong habits is hard, and this habit of 'do what mom and dad want' was his whole life, i expect. for whatever reasons (and there are always the reasons) these are his thought patterns.
also, if you're less demanding and easier to get along with, guess what? the squeaky wheel and so on.

i think you're right to be concerned about it. if you plan to have children, that may further complicate things, so it would be good to have it settled.

do you have a church home? a pastor to whom you can turn?

 

[Jazzlynn]

oic, thanks!

i can only say this is gonna be something the two of you have to work out between yourselves before any major change will happen with your in-laws. you'll both have to be on the same page, agreeing about how things really are, and what needs to change.

(i know... old people! lol) but you're young. a year isn't a terribly long time. i get the impression you'd like for him to put you first, and in some ways this will be difficult for him. changing lifelong habits is hard, and this habit of 'do what mom and dad want' was his whole life, i expect. for whatever reasons (and there are always the reasons) these are his thought patterns.
also, if you're less demanding and easier to get along with, guess what? the squeaky wheel and so on.

i think you're right to be concerned about it. if you plan to have children, that may further complicate things, so it would be good to have it settled.

do you have a church home? a pastor to whom you can turn?

Thank you I can't wait to have kids but when I think of adding them in the mix I'm like nope we can wait.

Yes and yes. Just my FIL has a really nice side and all our pastors are good friends with that side of him. I was thinking today to that we may need to look into talking to someone.

 

[Dino246]

Noooo.... We are just fine on our own, two cars, a house, all bills paid. His grandpa died and his mom decided she wanted to give part of the inheritance to her kids. We're both 21 and we've been married for a year.

Hello Jazzlynn, and welcome to CC!
My parents went through this with my Mom's parents. My folks moved half-way around the world. That ended the control.

I'm not recommending that; rather, if your in-laws are Christians (it sounds like they are), tell them directly (having discussed it privately with your husband) how you feel, and how their actions come across. Ask them to consider carefully whether their input has strings attached. If so, ask them what they hope to accomplish, and how that will benefit you as a couple in the long run.

Ultimately, this is a boundary issue, and if you don't deal with it well, it will keep dogging you. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend... with your husband. Pray with him about this also; you won't be able to deal with it effectively if you two aren't united.

May the Lord give you wisdom and grace for this!

 

[Jazzlynn]

Hello Jazzlynn, and welcome to CC!
My parents went through this with my Mom's parents. My folks moved half-way around the world. That ended the control.

I'm not recommending that; rather, if your in-laws are Christians (it sounds like they are), tell them directly (having discussed it privately with your husband) how you feel, and how their actions come across. Ask them to consider carefully whether their input has strings attached. If so, ask them what they hope to accomplish, and how that will benefit you as a couple in the long run.

Ultimately, this is a boundary issue, and if you don't deal with it well, it will keep dogging you. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend... with your husband. Pray with him about this also; you won't be able to deal with it effectively if you two aren't united.

May the Lord give you wisdom and grace for this!

Thank you. I'll look into the book.

My mom side of the family is more of werer here if you need us, we will gove our opinion every now and then but that's it and my dad was orphaned at 11 years old so we never had anything like this growing up.

 

[Depleted]

He hates it, he's stood up a lot of they would cut us off if we said or did to much and he loves them. Plus a lot of the stuff is things that he grew up with and I didn't.

Heads up -- anyone going through that much effort to buy love, isn't really going to cut off the person they want the love from. They might make the move, as in cut off for a day or week, but they'll be back. In reality, they're the needy ones.