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I found this little one in my basement this morning. He let me get super close to him, put stuff next to him, and touch him. He even followed my hand around outside lol. He had I guess a hair wrapped around him, which unfortunately I was unable to get off, but he could still hop around so it was fine. I named him Pecan lol.
boss: are you glad it's tuesday?
me: i want it to be saturday!!
boss: but... it's tuesday.
me: but i always want it to be saturday... or sunday.
boss: but you would miss the work week.
me: oh but i would still get paid.
boss: ohhhh well that's even better isn't it? i thought we had to work to get paid.
me: i should get paid just for being me!
me: i want it to be saturday!!
boss: but... it's tuesday.
me: but i always want it to be saturday... or sunday.
boss: but you would miss the work week.
me: oh but i would still get paid.
boss: ohhhh well that's even better isn't it? i thought we had to work to get paid.
me: i should get paid just for being me!
C
I found this little one in my basement this morning. He let me get super close to him, put stuff next to him, and touch him. He even followed my hand around outside lol. He had I guess a hair wrapped around him, which unfortunately I was unable to get off, but he could still hop around so it was fine. I named him Pecan lol.
Because if it is, I may have to report you to the environmentalists for being a hazard to a totes adorbs basement frog.
U
It's really tough being a person whose mental and emotional status isn't consistent. Sure, everyone can be like that to some degree. But there are some that have it much more than others. Many times people who have a stronger case of this remains in a frustrated state. You want to be balanced. You want to be consistent. And when things are on an upswing you feel determined to stay that way. But in the back of your mind that knowledge is still there that it won't last. That some part of your mind you can't control is going to suck you back down. Or cause you to do a 180.
Not only do you have the internal frustration of never feeling like you are on a certain level, but this swinging causes effects to those around you. Often frustrating them too. Sometimes to the point they see you in such a negative light they walk away. Or even if they stay the biggest consistency in your friendship is tension. I mean, you are already an inconsistent person. Then you become frustrated by that. Then as that inability to have much control over your feelings and emotions hits and frustrates someone you're close to, it makes you feel even More frustrated with yourself. Of course you would never share this with the other person. And does it usually matter if you do?
Next, if you have issues with confidence, that can change too. You might wake up one day and feel like you can take over the world. But for how long? Will it just fade out soon? Will you have time to take steps to make things better? And if you do have time for that, chances are once the confidence wears off you end up screwing up the good start you had, making you more frustrated. Or sometimes you can't help but worry so much about how you Know you won't stay like that, that before you can take one positive step you talk yourself out of even feeling that way. I mean, why bother if you're going to not be stable enough to follow through later? More frustration. Your life seems unable to advance because you can't feel consistent.
And adding to all this is the sense that you aren't even in control of yourself. That you feel as though you are a car being driven by things you can't see... feelings. Emotions. Fears. Anxiety. Never knowing how you're going to feel. The only thing you do know is if you take an upswing and feel good, you'll feel worse afterwards. And when you know that you aren't bipolar or any such thing, that it just seems your makeup is to be so inconsistent and out of control, it makes it feel that much worse. There is no enemy. No source. No place to point a finger but at yourself.
Then there comes the temptation to blame God. I work hard at not blaming God for things. When i was hospitalized at 28 for hypertension because i could die at any minute, i didn't blame God. It was my fault. I knew my blood pressure was going up. But i have a fear of needles. So i wouldn't go to a doctor. When my kidney's went bad and i spent years on dialysis, then getting a new kidney, i did have some urges to blame God. But since the kidney's probably went out because of the hypertension from years earlier, again, i didn't blame God. Just some examples, not bragging.
But i do struggle with blaming God for one thing. Making me the way i am. Yes, i made those choices. I brought those consequences on myself. But then i think that if God had made me a better person i could've avoided it all. If God had made me a more stable person, maybe i would not be 40 years old who defines his life by one word, 'regret'. More frustration.
Now here's the tricky part. I don't want to blame God. I want to be close with God. But like everything else in my life, spiritually i am often plagued by apathy. Apathy. I can't even begin to imagine how you overcome not caring. Or only caring when things become so bad that you go into a panic and Have to act. But that panicked feeling makes you freeze up and want to do nothing.
I love God. I think that's the first time i have been able to say that since i got saved at 14. I spent all this time wondering if it was even true. If i loved God. For some reason, and i can't blame my parents or my upbringing, my brain has a problem relating love to anything not romantic in nature. I mean, i know my dad loves me. It makes sense he does. But it feels so weird for me to say, or even think, that i love him. I don't know why. It's a normal thing.
Even more ironic is that my last girlfriend used the word love so easily towards family and friends. Her and her mother do not get along, but they will say they love each other more in a week than i've said it to my dad in a decade. And i get along with my dad.
But, i digress. I became sidetracked.
I don't know why i am writing this. Really, i don't. Perhaps i've just been so lonely lately. But i really have nothing to say to anyone, either. The question of 'how are you doing?', even as a generic greeting, is such a difficult question. Everything is bad and when people ask this generic question it's a reminder of how bad things are. Not that i need a reminder. I can't go 30 minutes without thinking about it. Some things might get better, but that won't make things good. Just less bad. But who knows what new bad thing might happen then?
Sometimes i hate thinking. I think too much, yet i come up with so little. I'm an introvert. I'm introspective. I hate it sometimes. Absolutely hate it. It's tiring. It's tiring being so aware of everything you say and do. It gets old not being able to respond genuinely to people and things, because your mind immediately catches that you have to react, then you ask yourself 'ok, how do i react to this?'.
If a friend says they got a newer, better job my brain kicks in and says 'ok, this is good news for them. So you have to act happy and supportive and encouraging'. Then i basically think through what to say and how to sound, much like an actor. I don't even know if i feel that way, i just know that's how i'm supposed to come across. I'd like to think that, deep down, i do genuinely feel happy for them. But my brain makes me so aware of how i'm supposed to feel, that i don't actually get a chance to just feel and respond. So i'm usually unaware of if i care or not. I just don't feel a lot of things. But when i do feel things i feel them strongly.
That adds to things too. One minute i'm indifferent and the next i can be brought to tears by a thought. I often feel as though i do things so backwards and wrong. And i've had times where i feel as though it's been proven, and that no matter how hard i try it doesn't change how i come across.
Sometimes i feel as though my friends are short changed by me. I don't do it on purpose, but i am the person i am. I feel like a big phony a lot. Not that i'm trying to be deceitful, but just that i'm still trying to figure out things that seem common for others to already know. I can't feel excited for them often times. I'm just aware that i should, so i pretend to be. I hate that about myself. I feel like a fraud.
I could sit here and go on and on about myself. Most everything i've just typed out are things i have never told even my closest friends. Things no one on this earth has ever heard from me. I try to come across as this person that's open, and in some ways i am, but i hide so much. But if the version of me i put out there is this lonely, how much worse would it be if i didn't put on the show?
One reason i've been so closed off in the forums (or so i have been told by numerous sources) is that, in the back of my mind, i would think 'well i don't want to say X thing in case i meet a woman on here, i don't want her to see that'.
Hypocrite is a good word for me. I spend all this time sitting on here giving advice. And i am genuinely trying to help, even though some people think i'm just a jerk for the way i come across. But here's the thing. I give all this advice, and honestly genuinely good advice often, but my own life is a mess. I'm a mess. I don't live out many of the things i tell others. I Want to. God knows i am not even close to being the kind of man i want to be. But i can't be. I never will be.
I'm a porn addict. Have been since i was 13. I've been involved with a number of married women. Not that i think it's right. Nor was it anything i looked for. It just presented itself and i was stupid enough to go along with it. That is a guilt i will never recover from and have taken steps to ensure it won't even happen again.
Coward is another good word for me. I am not, and will never be, the hero type. When bad things happen i'm the person standing in the back doing nothing, too afraid to take chances. Not really feeling like i am smart or competent enough to do any good anyways.
And people have described me from these forums as 'scary' and 'intimidating', at least in the past. But really i am a coward here too, often. I post things and think 'i just won't go back to see the response and if anyone says anything i'll just say i forgot about it'. Truth is i don't have the balls to go back and be confronted with the possibility the other person has something better to say back. But i have to open my mouth at first. Hence the reputation i seem to have unwittingly earned. But i often can't handle the reaction i get. It's the whole 'i can make myself feel as though i've accomplished something, long as i don't go back'.
See, i hate myself. I do not believe in myself. I never have. Even as a kid i believed other kids around me were stronger, smarter... better. People have made many suggestions about getting various kinds of jobs. Sometimes i just hate the kind of work. But often times i think to myself 'i'm not capable of doing that'. Over the past few years i have tried to combat these thoughts by asking myself why is it all these other people can do this job, then why can't i? Are these people that much smarter/stronger/better/etc than me? It's an ineffective question, though, because i think how they went for the job. They believed in themselves enough to try. Some people i've looked at and thought 'surely i am smarter/stronger/etc than them, and They did it'. Doesn't make me feel better. Just makes me feel as though i am lower than i thought.
At the end of the day i'm not a good person. No, i'm not a killer or a thief or any such thing. There are a lot of people worse than i am, i understand that. But that doesn't make me a good or decent person. I like to think i am, but if i'm honest with myself, i'm not. Even the things i didn't share in this post come to mind. And it's not a case of 'well in God's eyes....' and all such generic psuedo-spiritual platitudes.
So when you next see me being a jerk, or what you think is a jerk, on here, well, i guess it's because i am. I wish i wasn't. I don't try to be. But it's what i am. I am a jerk. I am a lonely, deeply hurting, sad, grief stricken person that feels their life has been a waste and sees zero hope that the future holds anything better, probably worse. And i can't find it in myself to do any better. Regret and guilt and fear build up day after day, year after year. And as my body continues failings along with it that only adds to those feelings.
I'm getting light headed... anxiety. Suppose that's my sign to finish this up. I have no intentions for writing this. No expectations on anyone. I didn't even plan on saying 90% of this. I was going to talk about the struggles of being someone who feels stuck being guided by emotions and feelings and the frustration it holds for my spiritual life and relationship with God. I guess i've been thinking so much, but not talking to anyone that i just decided to talk. Not to anyone or expecting anything in return. Just wanted to talk. So there it is.
I'm sure at least some of what i've written i'll feel differently about later, which is what i started out talking about. Just knowing it is going to happen is frustrating me already.
Not only do you have the internal frustration of never feeling like you are on a certain level, but this swinging causes effects to those around you. Often frustrating them too. Sometimes to the point they see you in such a negative light they walk away. Or even if they stay the biggest consistency in your friendship is tension. I mean, you are already an inconsistent person. Then you become frustrated by that. Then as that inability to have much control over your feelings and emotions hits and frustrates someone you're close to, it makes you feel even More frustrated with yourself. Of course you would never share this with the other person. And does it usually matter if you do?
Next, if you have issues with confidence, that can change too. You might wake up one day and feel like you can take over the world. But for how long? Will it just fade out soon? Will you have time to take steps to make things better? And if you do have time for that, chances are once the confidence wears off you end up screwing up the good start you had, making you more frustrated. Or sometimes you can't help but worry so much about how you Know you won't stay like that, that before you can take one positive step you talk yourself out of even feeling that way. I mean, why bother if you're going to not be stable enough to follow through later? More frustration. Your life seems unable to advance because you can't feel consistent.
And adding to all this is the sense that you aren't even in control of yourself. That you feel as though you are a car being driven by things you can't see... feelings. Emotions. Fears. Anxiety. Never knowing how you're going to feel. The only thing you do know is if you take an upswing and feel good, you'll feel worse afterwards. And when you know that you aren't bipolar or any such thing, that it just seems your makeup is to be so inconsistent and out of control, it makes it feel that much worse. There is no enemy. No source. No place to point a finger but at yourself.
Then there comes the temptation to blame God. I work hard at not blaming God for things. When i was hospitalized at 28 for hypertension because i could die at any minute, i didn't blame God. It was my fault. I knew my blood pressure was going up. But i have a fear of needles. So i wouldn't go to a doctor. When my kidney's went bad and i spent years on dialysis, then getting a new kidney, i did have some urges to blame God. But since the kidney's probably went out because of the hypertension from years earlier, again, i didn't blame God. Just some examples, not bragging.
But i do struggle with blaming God for one thing. Making me the way i am. Yes, i made those choices. I brought those consequences on myself. But then i think that if God had made me a better person i could've avoided it all. If God had made me a more stable person, maybe i would not be 40 years old who defines his life by one word, 'regret'. More frustration.
Now here's the tricky part. I don't want to blame God. I want to be close with God. But like everything else in my life, spiritually i am often plagued by apathy. Apathy. I can't even begin to imagine how you overcome not caring. Or only caring when things become so bad that you go into a panic and Have to act. But that panicked feeling makes you freeze up and want to do nothing.
I love God. I think that's the first time i have been able to say that since i got saved at 14. I spent all this time wondering if it was even true. If i loved God. For some reason, and i can't blame my parents or my upbringing, my brain has a problem relating love to anything not romantic in nature. I mean, i know my dad loves me. It makes sense he does. But it feels so weird for me to say, or even think, that i love him. I don't know why. It's a normal thing.
Even more ironic is that my last girlfriend used the word love so easily towards family and friends. Her and her mother do not get along, but they will say they love each other more in a week than i've said it to my dad in a decade. And i get along with my dad.
But, i digress. I became sidetracked.
I don't know why i am writing this. Really, i don't. Perhaps i've just been so lonely lately. But i really have nothing to say to anyone, either. The question of 'how are you doing?', even as a generic greeting, is such a difficult question. Everything is bad and when people ask this generic question it's a reminder of how bad things are. Not that i need a reminder. I can't go 30 minutes without thinking about it. Some things might get better, but that won't make things good. Just less bad. But who knows what new bad thing might happen then?
Sometimes i hate thinking. I think too much, yet i come up with so little. I'm an introvert. I'm introspective. I hate it sometimes. Absolutely hate it. It's tiring. It's tiring being so aware of everything you say and do. It gets old not being able to respond genuinely to people and things, because your mind immediately catches that you have to react, then you ask yourself 'ok, how do i react to this?'.
If a friend says they got a newer, better job my brain kicks in and says 'ok, this is good news for them. So you have to act happy and supportive and encouraging'. Then i basically think through what to say and how to sound, much like an actor. I don't even know if i feel that way, i just know that's how i'm supposed to come across. I'd like to think that, deep down, i do genuinely feel happy for them. But my brain makes me so aware of how i'm supposed to feel, that i don't actually get a chance to just feel and respond. So i'm usually unaware of if i care or not. I just don't feel a lot of things. But when i do feel things i feel them strongly.
That adds to things too. One minute i'm indifferent and the next i can be brought to tears by a thought. I often feel as though i do things so backwards and wrong. And i've had times where i feel as though it's been proven, and that no matter how hard i try it doesn't change how i come across.
Sometimes i feel as though my friends are short changed by me. I don't do it on purpose, but i am the person i am. I feel like a big phony a lot. Not that i'm trying to be deceitful, but just that i'm still trying to figure out things that seem common for others to already know. I can't feel excited for them often times. I'm just aware that i should, so i pretend to be. I hate that about myself. I feel like a fraud.
I could sit here and go on and on about myself. Most everything i've just typed out are things i have never told even my closest friends. Things no one on this earth has ever heard from me. I try to come across as this person that's open, and in some ways i am, but i hide so much. But if the version of me i put out there is this lonely, how much worse would it be if i didn't put on the show?
One reason i've been so closed off in the forums (or so i have been told by numerous sources) is that, in the back of my mind, i would think 'well i don't want to say X thing in case i meet a woman on here, i don't want her to see that'.
Hypocrite is a good word for me. I spend all this time sitting on here giving advice. And i am genuinely trying to help, even though some people think i'm just a jerk for the way i come across. But here's the thing. I give all this advice, and honestly genuinely good advice often, but my own life is a mess. I'm a mess. I don't live out many of the things i tell others. I Want to. God knows i am not even close to being the kind of man i want to be. But i can't be. I never will be.
I'm a porn addict. Have been since i was 13. I've been involved with a number of married women. Not that i think it's right. Nor was it anything i looked for. It just presented itself and i was stupid enough to go along with it. That is a guilt i will never recover from and have taken steps to ensure it won't even happen again.
Coward is another good word for me. I am not, and will never be, the hero type. When bad things happen i'm the person standing in the back doing nothing, too afraid to take chances. Not really feeling like i am smart or competent enough to do any good anyways.
And people have described me from these forums as 'scary' and 'intimidating', at least in the past. But really i am a coward here too, often. I post things and think 'i just won't go back to see the response and if anyone says anything i'll just say i forgot about it'. Truth is i don't have the balls to go back and be confronted with the possibility the other person has something better to say back. But i have to open my mouth at first. Hence the reputation i seem to have unwittingly earned. But i often can't handle the reaction i get. It's the whole 'i can make myself feel as though i've accomplished something, long as i don't go back'.
See, i hate myself. I do not believe in myself. I never have. Even as a kid i believed other kids around me were stronger, smarter... better. People have made many suggestions about getting various kinds of jobs. Sometimes i just hate the kind of work. But often times i think to myself 'i'm not capable of doing that'. Over the past few years i have tried to combat these thoughts by asking myself why is it all these other people can do this job, then why can't i? Are these people that much smarter/stronger/better/etc than me? It's an ineffective question, though, because i think how they went for the job. They believed in themselves enough to try. Some people i've looked at and thought 'surely i am smarter/stronger/etc than them, and They did it'. Doesn't make me feel better. Just makes me feel as though i am lower than i thought.
At the end of the day i'm not a good person. No, i'm not a killer or a thief or any such thing. There are a lot of people worse than i am, i understand that. But that doesn't make me a good or decent person. I like to think i am, but if i'm honest with myself, i'm not. Even the things i didn't share in this post come to mind. And it's not a case of 'well in God's eyes....' and all such generic psuedo-spiritual platitudes.
So when you next see me being a jerk, or what you think is a jerk, on here, well, i guess it's because i am. I wish i wasn't. I don't try to be. But it's what i am. I am a jerk. I am a lonely, deeply hurting, sad, grief stricken person that feels their life has been a waste and sees zero hope that the future holds anything better, probably worse. And i can't find it in myself to do any better. Regret and guilt and fear build up day after day, year after year. And as my body continues failings along with it that only adds to those feelings.
I'm getting light headed... anxiety. Suppose that's my sign to finish this up. I have no intentions for writing this. No expectations on anyone. I didn't even plan on saying 90% of this. I was going to talk about the struggles of being someone who feels stuck being guided by emotions and feelings and the frustration it holds for my spiritual life and relationship with God. I guess i've been thinking so much, but not talking to anyone that i just decided to talk. Not to anyone or expecting anything in return. Just wanted to talk. So there it is.
I'm sure at least some of what i've written i'll feel differently about later, which is what i started out talking about. Just knowing it is going to happen is frustrating me already.
M
Ugly,
I'm not responding in an effort to change your mind about who and what you believe you are- for one thing, I don't know quite how to argue that, and for another, I'm fairly sure my attempts would make you roll your eyes. I'm not entirely sure that I should even say anything, but your post was so open, so honest, and so full of pain that I just couldn't pass it by.
I know you. Maybe not all that well, but we've been friends in the past and I know...enough. Enough to be able to say that many of your statements are true. Yeah, you've made some bad choices. Yeah, you struggle with a lot of things. Yeah, you carry some pretty big burdens on your shoulders. And yes, you occasionally come across as a jerk.
And God loves you anyway. People here care about you anyway. I know you know the first part, and that you probably don't believe the second part. That's ok, I'm not here to change your mind...though I might try if I thought it would help.
I'll try to get to the point here...you are too hard on yourself, and you don't accept that God loves you. Knowing it's true isn't the same as Accepting that love. Maybe it has to do with a lack of faith, maybe it has to do with having been let down by people so often that you subconsciously are just waiting for God to drop the ball as well (which you said already He kind of did by making you the way you are). You've called yourself a hypocrite for not following the advice you give to others- and that's true. If you did/believed for yourself even half the things you say to the people you try to help, you'd be in a better place now. But you refuse the idea that you are loved or lovable, and that makes it next to impossible for you to have healthy relationships, even with God.
You've been through a lot. Things that most people never have to deal with, things that are your fault and things that aren't. You're alone with your own thoughts a lot as well, dwelling and wallowing and regretting and rehashing things in your mind until it literally makes you ill. In a way, you've built yourself into this mental prison with your own hands by rejecting any possibility for any kind of change. I understand that your health limits your possibilities- but it doesn't keep you bedridden. I understand, to an extent, the crazy cycle of anxiety and being an introvert- even mild social situations make me a bit panicked, and I know it's worse for you...but it can't get any better or easier to cope with by shutting out the world.
Now I've forgotten the point I was trying to make and I'm positive none of this is helpful but please know I'm not trying to be harsh or critical- I care about you and pray for you and it's heartbreaking to know how deeply you are mired in this pain and suffering. I don't know how to change that, I don't have words to make you feel better or make you believe anything different about yourself. I can tell you that God can overcome anything, Anything...and it won't make any difference until You truly accept that for yourself.
Im going to end this here because I'll just start repeating myself if I don't. I'm praying for you Ugly, and I'm sure others are too. I wholeheartedly hope that things get better for you.
I'm not responding in an effort to change your mind about who and what you believe you are- for one thing, I don't know quite how to argue that, and for another, I'm fairly sure my attempts would make you roll your eyes. I'm not entirely sure that I should even say anything, but your post was so open, so honest, and so full of pain that I just couldn't pass it by.
I know you. Maybe not all that well, but we've been friends in the past and I know...enough. Enough to be able to say that many of your statements are true. Yeah, you've made some bad choices. Yeah, you struggle with a lot of things. Yeah, you carry some pretty big burdens on your shoulders. And yes, you occasionally come across as a jerk.
And God loves you anyway. People here care about you anyway. I know you know the first part, and that you probably don't believe the second part. That's ok, I'm not here to change your mind...though I might try if I thought it would help.
I'll try to get to the point here...you are too hard on yourself, and you don't accept that God loves you. Knowing it's true isn't the same as Accepting that love. Maybe it has to do with a lack of faith, maybe it has to do with having been let down by people so often that you subconsciously are just waiting for God to drop the ball as well (which you said already He kind of did by making you the way you are). You've called yourself a hypocrite for not following the advice you give to others- and that's true. If you did/believed for yourself even half the things you say to the people you try to help, you'd be in a better place now. But you refuse the idea that you are loved or lovable, and that makes it next to impossible for you to have healthy relationships, even with God.
You've been through a lot. Things that most people never have to deal with, things that are your fault and things that aren't. You're alone with your own thoughts a lot as well, dwelling and wallowing and regretting and rehashing things in your mind until it literally makes you ill. In a way, you've built yourself into this mental prison with your own hands by rejecting any possibility for any kind of change. I understand that your health limits your possibilities- but it doesn't keep you bedridden. I understand, to an extent, the crazy cycle of anxiety and being an introvert- even mild social situations make me a bit panicked, and I know it's worse for you...but it can't get any better or easier to cope with by shutting out the world.
Now I've forgotten the point I was trying to make and I'm positive none of this is helpful but please know I'm not trying to be harsh or critical- I care about you and pray for you and it's heartbreaking to know how deeply you are mired in this pain and suffering. I don't know how to change that, I don't have words to make you feel better or make you believe anything different about yourself. I can tell you that God can overcome anything, Anything...and it won't make any difference until You truly accept that for yourself.
Im going to end this here because I'll just start repeating myself if I don't. I'm praying for you Ugly, and I'm sure others are too. I wholeheartedly hope that things get better for you.