J
I have no words to express myself and exactly how I feel deep within me. All I know is that, my life is messed up. I have been isolating myself for almost 12 months now. Earlier, I do come here but as time goes by, I hardly come on here because I could not face God myself. It is not that I do not trust Him, I believe in Him but the pain in my life is eating me up that I've been doing a lot of things to continue punishing myself and a huge wall formed around me. I cannot face God anymore especially that I know who He truly is.
Things are really tough on my end. End of Dec 2015, an ex-colleague of mine knew things were not going well with me. He contacted his church member, a counselor and psychotherapist (let's call him Dr E), to help me. I did not call him. I continued to suffer in pain and punishing myself with all sorts of things. This morning, as I'm doing my assignment (it's public holidays here in Malaysia - Muslims celebrating Raya), I'm not sure what got into me that I decided to call Dr E. I told Dr E that I am on a very tight budget and could not afford to pay. He says it's free of charge. There'll be many sessions up to an hour and a half for a session. He scheduled me in tomorrow at 2.30pm.
I no longer know what is right and what is wrong. I no longer know how I should deal with myself. Many times, I wondered why am I alive when I was so closed to death so many times. I should not have lived. I feel like I'm taking up unnecessary space on earth.
Things are really tough on my end. End of Dec 2015, an ex-colleague of mine knew things were not going well with me. He contacted his church member, a counselor and psychotherapist (let's call him Dr E), to help me. I did not call him. I continued to suffer in pain and punishing myself with all sorts of things. This morning, as I'm doing my assignment (it's public holidays here in Malaysia - Muslims celebrating Raya), I'm not sure what got into me that I decided to call Dr E. I told Dr E that I am on a very tight budget and could not afford to pay. He says it's free of charge. There'll be many sessions up to an hour and a half for a session. He scheduled me in tomorrow at 2.30pm.
I no longer know what is right and what is wrong. I no longer know how I should deal with myself. Many times, I wondered why am I alive when I was so closed to death so many times. I should not have lived. I feel like I'm taking up unnecessary space on earth.