I had to break up

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Q

Quirkygirl

Guest
#1
So I had to break up with my boyfriend because he lied about a lot of stuff. I have been having a lot of ups and downs. Today has been crazy. The morning was hard because when I woke up I didn't have anyone to talk to but that changed once my other ex found out I was single. He's been texting me and we have been talking which is nice because I don't have anyone else at the moment. I am embarrassed to say this but I have signed up for some christian dating apps because 1) I can and 2) it's better than sitting around being sad and bitter.

Advice? Thoughts?
 
L

Leneah

Guest
#2
I've never been through a breakup.. but i think you still need to remember that no matter how unwanted you feel, God still wants you. and have confidence as a woman love :) you're beautiful and God thinks so. stay strong hun.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
I have advice. Rather than trying to play rebound by meeting another random person while you're still emotionally hurting, why not use this time to reflect on your priorities in life?
Rushing off to meet someone else is just a way of avoiding how you're feeling, rather than facing it and healing from it. So you will still build up bitterness because the root issues are being swept under the rug, where they will only fester and grow and you will bring that baggage with you into every future relationship while trying to convince yourself everything is ok. And when that day comes when you have to acknowledge things Aren't ok, it will be 10x's worse to deal with because not only will those feelings have grown, but all the other times you've done the same thing will stack. So you'll have negative after negative issue building up and growing.
And, while i don't know you, so this may be wrong, but it sounds to me as if you are finding too much comfort and possibly self worth in relationships.

Being sad isn't a bad thing, when it's from an appropriate reason. Sadness is not something we are meant to ignore. It is a sign to us that we are hurting inside and we need to heal. Ignoring that feeling and trying to cover it up with new relationships or whatever isn't healing. It's hiding.
And talking to an ex that is that eager to come knock down your door without giving you any time to recover sends up a red flag about him.

In November the woman i was planning on getting engaged to dumped me. I have spent since then trying to win her back and she has done some pretty hurtful things during that time. But one thing i know is getting into another relationship now would be a horrible idea. Or even just talking to people with a romantic notion in mind. Because i can't be sure if i'm truly attracted to them, or i just like that they are a distraction. And either way i know i am not in any state to try to get into anything with anyone.

So my advice to you. Skip that dating sites, which are mostly full of horny dogs, trust me. My ex has spent since Nov on them and has met one bad choice after another. And i get to hear about many of them, bleh.
Also skip talking to your ex, who is only going to tempt you to make a wrong choice, and who is already showing himself to be a wrong kind of person. Skip dating at all for a while. Focus on God and get healed and get emotionally healthy enough that you don't feel you have to hide from your feelings and rush into a relationship or rush into meeting someone as a cure for boredom or loneliness. Because if you enter into any relationship without the right mindset it will fail. Period. And that will lead to you doing the same thing again. And again. And you will find yourself in a long line of heartache that you could have prevented.
 
Q

Quirkygirl

Guest
#4
I've never been through a breakup.. but i think you still need to remember that no matter how unwanted you feel, God still wants you. and have confidence as a woman love :) you're beautiful and God thinks so. stay strong hun.
....I don't feel unwanted though...lol I appreciate the sentiment and maybe I wasn't clear but I really don't feel all that unwanted. I miss him, I miss our routines (I never lived with him but we had routines) and I miss him just being here. Other than that I'm honestly fine. It hasn't been very devastating for me to be honest...
 
Q

Quirkygirl

Guest
#5
I have advice. Rather than trying to play rebound by meeting another random person while you're still emotionally hurting, why not use this time to reflect on your priorities in life?
Rushing off to meet someone else is just a way of avoiding how you're feeling, rather than facing it and healing from it. So you will still build up bitterness because the root issues are being swept under the rug, where they will only fester and grow and you will bring that baggage with you into every future relationship while trying to convince yourself everything is ok. And when that day comes when you have to acknowledge things Aren't ok, it will be 10x's worse to deal with because not only will those feelings have grown, but all the other times you've done the same thing will stack. So you'll have negative after negative issue building up and growing.
And, while i don't know you, so this may be wrong, but it sounds to me as if you are finding too much comfort and possibly self worth in relationships.

Being sad isn't a bad thing, when it's from an appropriate reason. Sadness is not something we are meant to ignore. It is a sign to us that we are hurting inside and we need to heal. Ignoring that feeling and trying to cover it up with new relationships or whatever isn't healing. It's hiding.
And talking to an ex that is that eager to come knock down your door without giving you any time to recover sends up a red flag about him.

In November the woman i was planning on getting engaged to dumped me. I have spent since then trying to win her back and she has done some pretty hurtful things during that time. But one thing i know is getting into another relationship now would be a horrible idea. Or even just talking to people with a romantic notion in mind. Because i can't be sure if i'm truly attracted to them, or i just like that they are a distraction. And either way i know i am not in any state to try to get into anything with anyone.

So my advice to you. Skip that dating sites, which are mostly full of horny dogs, trust me. My ex has spent since Nov on them and has met one bad choice after another. And i get to hear about many of them, bleh.
Also skip talking to your ex, who is only going to tempt you to make a wrong choice, and who is already showing himself to be a wrong kind of person. Skip dating at all for a while. Focus on God and get healed and get emotionally healthy enough that you don't feel you have to hide from your feelings and rush into a relationship or rush into meeting someone as a cure for boredom or loneliness. Because if you enter into any relationship without the right mindset it will fail. Period. And that will lead to you doing the same thing again. And again. And you will find yourself in a long line of heartache that you could have prevented.
Thanks for the advice but I really don't feel that sad...I will let myself cry when I need to but it passes pretty quick. I feel so bad for not feeling worse about dumping him but still...

I get what you are saying about the dating sites. I guess I'm more just trying to dodge loneliness than get back into another relationship. Does that make sense?
 

Jakob

Senior Member
Jul 15, 2014
298
4
18
#6
Wow ugly. Nice reply, very wise words, I can use it too, cause i've recently become single too.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#7
Thanks for the advice but I really don't feel that sad...I will let myself cry when I need to but it passes pretty quick. I feel so bad for not feeling worse about dumping him but still...

I get what you are saying about the dating sites. I guess I'm more just trying to dodge loneliness than get back into another relationship. Does that make sense?
I do. That's why i said this is a poor way to go about it. When you go dating the majority of people will have one of two mindsets. One of those mindsets is 'i'm looking for a serious relationship and possibly someone to marry, could you be that person?'. The other mindset is 'i wonder how long it will take before i can get in her pants'. There is a small minority that just dates random people just to have something to do, but that's a small minority. So moving forward on a dating site will put out the message that you are either A) looking to enter something serious right away or B) looking to have sex.
Are either of those options appealing? Probably not. So if people find out you are neither one, after you go on a date, it often causes problems with them because they expect you to be one or the other. And given what i have heard from my ex, those responses can be quite nasty. Oh, and these Are the Christian men.

But if your boyfriend was a huge liar that's probably why you don't feel too bad about it. And it suggests, possibly, that you were not That into him to begin with. But i give you credit for taking action and dumping him and not letting him come back. Many people would tolerate it or think they can change the person, so it's great that you knew better. (=
 
Q

Quirkygirl

Guest
#8
I do. That's why i said this is a poor way to go about it. When you go dating the majority of people will have one of two mindsets. One of those mindsets is 'i'm looking for a serious relationship and possibly someone to marry, could you be that person?'. The other mindset is 'i wonder how long it will take before i can get in her pants'. There is a small minority that just dates random people just to have something to do, but that's a small minority. So moving forward on a dating site will put out the message that you are either A) looking to enter something serious right away or B) looking to have sex.
Are either of those options appealing? Probably not. So if people find out you are neither one, after you go on a date, it often causes problems with them because they expect you to be one or the other. And given what i have heard from my ex, those responses can be quite nasty. Oh, and these Are the Christian men.

But if your boyfriend was a huge liar that's probably why you don't feel too bad about it. And it suggests, possibly, that you were not That into him to begin with. But i give you credit for taking action and dumping him and not letting him come back. Many people would tolerate it or think they can change the person, so it's great that you knew better. (=
It took me two years but I did it! :)
 

jsr1221

Senior Member
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#10
So I had to break up with my boyfriend because he lied about a lot of stuff. I have been having a lot of ups and downs. Today has been crazy. The morning was hard because when I woke up I didn't have anyone to talk to but that changed once my other ex found out I was single. He's been texting me and we have been talking which is nice because I don't have anyone else at the moment. I am embarrassed to say this but I have signed up for some christian dating apps because 1) I can and 2) it's better than sitting around being sad and bitter.

Advice? Thoughts?
The problem is you think being in a relationship is what makes you happy. You don't know how to be single. With your ex that is texting, do you happen to know why you two broke up in the first place? He's an ex for a reason. And as for the dating apps, you're setting yourself up for more disappointment. If you can't learn to be happy on your own, how can you be happy with someone else? Their job isn't to make you happy. Find your happinesses and joy in singleness and more importantly, in Jesus. And if it is meant to be, He will direct your path to another guy. But it's not the time right now, clearly.
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#12
Process, heal, and grow from it. Those are my thoughts.

Oh, and don't rebound. Rebounding is bad, mmkay?

Fire away with a PM if you want to talk about it; I know how it feels to let someone go and feel bad about not feeling bad about it.
 
Q

Quirkygirl

Guest
#13
The problem is you think being in a relationship is what makes you happy. You don't know how to be single. With your ex that is texting, do you happen to know why you two broke up in the first place? He's an ex for a reason. And as for the dating apps, you're setting yourself up for more disappointment. If you can't learn to be happy on your own, how can you be happy with someone else? Their job isn't to make you happy. Find your happinesses and joy in singleness and more importantly, in Jesus. And if it is meant to be, He will direct your path to another guy. But it's not the time right now, clearly.
Like I said, it's more to avoid the loneliness. I have had MAJOR issues with it in the past and I think this is my way of doing everything I can to not go back to that dark scary place. It is less about having a boyfriend and more about just having SOMEONE. I don't have many friends who are available to hang out with.
 
Q

Quirkygirl

Guest
#14
Process, heal, and grow from it. Those are my thoughts.

Oh, and don't rebound. Rebounding is bad, mmkay?

Fire away with a PM if you want to talk about it; I know how it feels to let someone go and feel bad about not feeling bad about it.
Thanks. I think I will take you up on that.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,920
9,669
113
#15
So I had to break up with my boyfriend because he lied about a lot of stuff. I have been having a lot of ups and downs. Today has been crazy. The morning was hard because when I woke up I didn't have anyone to talk to but that changed once my other ex found out I was single. He's been texting me and we have been talking which is nice because I don't have anyone else at the moment. I am embarrassed to say this but I have signed up for some christian dating apps because 1) I can and 2) it's better than sitting around being sad and bitter.

Advice? Thoughts?

To be rather direct and honest, if you're already texting with another ex AND installing these dating apps, then you are desperate for a guy. :/ Whether it's just for companionship or whatever, you are desperate to not be alone. I've been through several break ups.. It's NOT a bad thing to be alone for awhile. So stop doing the rebound thing..
 
Q

Quirkygirl

Guest
#16
Ok I look, I have told you guys it's not necessarily a guy thing. It's just I don't want to be alone. I don't know how else to say it...you are free not to believe me I guess but I have been on this site for not even a whole day and you are acting like you know me...

I have had issues with loneliness in the past and to be honest I am sick of boyfriends. I really just don't want to be touched right now. I want some space but I don't want to be ALONE. I just want someone there to talk to. My friends are all too busy so what else is a girl to do?
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#17
I think everyone has been through a time when they don't want to be alone and it doesn't mean you want to necessarily be with a boyfriend or girlfriend. You want companionship a friend. There's nothing unusual or wrong about that.

What I would suggest to you is if you have free time, find a place to volunteer. A museum or something or some place you enjoy that will get you around other's and keep you busy
 

jsr1221

Senior Member
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#18
Ok I look, I have told you guys it's not necessarily a guy thing. It's just I don't want to be alone. I don't know how else to say it...you are free not to believe me I guess but I have been on this site for not even a whole day and you are acting like you know me...

I have had issues with loneliness in the past and to be honest I am sick of boyfriends. I really just don't want to be touched right now. I want some space but I don't want to be ALONE. I just want someone there to talk to. My friends are all too busy so what else is a girl to do?
I can relate, actually. You might not want a relationship but you're afraid of being alone so you still reach out to guys. You're not on a dating site to be talking to the same sex. A site like this, is fellowship in general. It's not designed to seek out a member of the opposite sex, something it comes across like it is you were trying to do with the other apps, albeit not for a relationship. And as far as friends being too busy, is there a local church you feel comfortable in that has some sort of group or ministry for young adults? I felt the same way and to this day still do to some degree.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#19
Ok I look, I have told you guys it's not necessarily a guy thing. It's just I don't want to be alone. I don't know how else to say it...you are free not to believe me I guess but I have been on this site for not even a whole day and you are acting like you know me...

I have had issues with loneliness in the past and to be honest I am sick of boyfriends. I really just don't want to be touched right now. I want some space but I don't want to be ALONE. I just want someone there to talk to. My friends are all too busy so what else is a girl to do?
Well, when you talk about going on "DATING" sites and talking to ex boyfriends, who you admit is trying to get you back. Are people going to think 'oh, she just needs a friend'? You have to acknowledge the information you give and how it is to be perceived, and not just lash out because you aren't hearing what you wanted. Perhaps the failure in communication here is not on us, but in the information you provided and the way you presented it would lead people to think a certain way.
When all the information you provide points to you wanting to date, then you turn around and say you don't want to date, what are people to ascertain from that?

People took the information you provided and tried to help you. It's not the fault of everyone else if you didn't communicate what you were saying clearly. So it doesn't seem right that you get angry at everyone else because your approach gave an idea opposite of your intention.
 
Q

Quirkygirl

Guest
#20
So I tried deleting the dating sites but the dark scary loneliness came back after people said it wouldn't. I don't understand. People told me that Jesus was all I needed but that was not the case. So I re-installed the dating apps and I was better. This scary loneliness is deadly. It can drive a person to suicide and I am not willing to take that risk.