To divorce or not?

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R

roguemouser

Guest
#1
#1
Hello.

My wife is mentally ill, bipolar disorder. In August she went into a manic phase and started cheating on me and acting unlike herself in every way Now she wants a divorce. I do not, but if she doesn't want to work things out, things will never work out.

I have prayed day and night, for God's grace and mercy, for forgiveness for my part in our troubles, for her heart and mind to be nealed, for my heart to be healed, for strength and courage. Most days I feel stong and hopeful. Some days, however, I feel hopelessness and deep despair. And in those times, it's very, very difficult to pray. My brain goes away and I can't think. This prayer has been my rock in this time.

I keep going back and forth on the divorce thing. I know with absolute certainty that I do not want this, that we can be happy again like we were for nearly ten years. But last I heard, she wants divorce. We got into a really loud shouting match, I said some really cruel things, she threw me out. Our kids now live with their grandmother (the kids are mine from a previous marriage to an abusive adulterer who abandoned us and moved cross country, years before my recent return to Christ). I live with my mother for now.

In our state, divorce requires a year of separation except in cases of marital infidelity. She cheated on me with several different men.I can get a divorce tomorrow. She has to wait a year. I can't talk to her, she got an order of no contact, though there was never any violence or threats of violence.

According to the Bible, infidelity is th eonly reason for divorce. But I don't want a divorce. At the same time, I don't want to hold on to hope only to find that after a year she still wants to go ahead with the divorce. I'm so very conflicted

Should I give her the divorce, or should I hold out, wait it out and hope for the best? Either way, I will continue to pray for her to be happy, healthy, safe, and that she continue her return to the Church. She's Catholic, hadn't been to church in many years but returned when her mania started in August. And I know that some people don't consider Catholic to be Christian, but if the person's heart is on Christ and God, I don't think the denomination matters all that much.

Please, what should I do? Divorce as she wishes, or hold to hope and continue to ask God to intervene?
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#2
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
113
#2
She cheated on you multiple times. Get the divorce. And get her a good therapist, because she is mentally unbalanced and needs help. Your marriage ended the first time she slept with another man. Oh, and get yourself checked for any STD's she may have given you. If she's been with many men, there's a good chance she has at least 1 STD. :/ She has given you a good reason to divorce her. Do it and free yourself of this mess.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
#3
Has your wife ever been on medication for her bipolar? If so how did she do on it?
I once had a friend who was married at 16. She had bipolar as well. She went on to get into heavy drugs and stripping. She tried to kill her husband so she could run off with her drug dealer. She was also heavily into cutting herself.
She went through every medication available and not one worked. Then a few months later a new med came out. They tried her on it and it worked. Her bipolar went up and down over the years as she tried other treatments. But through it all she stayed stable enough for keep her marriage together. Their marriage lasted for years until he snapped and beat her twice. Then she divorced him and remarried a few years later and was happy with her new husband.
So hope is possible, but there is no guarantee. Each story is different.
 
willfollowsGod

willfollowsGod

Senior Member
#4
Apr 14, 2011
1,515
66
48
33
#4
That is the question. I could not resist saying that. That is a serious matter what you described. But also God can bring people back together even if sadly marital infidelity occurs. Pray about the situation and ask other believers (as you are doing about it now) what to do. God bless.
 
T

tryingmybestihonestlyam

Guest
#5
#5
I've noticed that your good at blaming the women , your blaming this wife your blaming your last wife your calling them names saying their this n their that , there's always two sides to a story n to go on your side a the story alone n persecute the women n blame them would be wrong then we'd be like you saying everythings their fault n your the perfect male without any fault at all. So in my opinion if your so perfect n their not why are they leaving you to be with another man . or is that something you'll blame on them too cause none of its your fault. Your last wife chose to be with another , your second wife she done the same . if things were OK at home with you they wouldnt sought the companionship of someone else cause they'd be happy being with you but obviously not , so don't blame everything on them ,two sides to story mate
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#6
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
113
#6
tryingmybestihonestlyam said:
I've noticed that your good at blaming the women , your blaming this wife your blaming your last wife your calling them names saying their this n their that , there's always two sides to a story n to go on your side a the story alone n persecute the women n blame them would be wrong then we'd be like you saying everythings their fault n your the perfect male without any fault at all. So in my opinion if your so perfect n their not why are they leaving you to be with another man . or is that something you'll blame on them too cause none of its your fault. Your last wife chose to be with another , your second wife she done the same . if things were OK at home with you they wouldnt sought the companionship of someone else cause they'd be happy being with you but obviously not , so don't blame everything on them ,two sides to story mate
Click to expand...

Um, what are you talking about? This OP joined just today, and I haven't seen him mention, or blame, any women or previous wife.. :confused:
 
T

tryingmybestihonestlyam

Guest
#7
#7
Like he admitted they had a shouting match that got really loud n he said some really cruel things . it makes me wonder how many times has he actually said cruel things . n to a person that has mental illness n he's shouting cruel things at her and then says she went all manic n sought the companionship of another man just as his first wife did . he needs to look in the mirror blue lady bug . who shouts n yells cruel things and says cruel things to someone with bi polar n then says she took off on me but i don't know why though . well that's what he's saying to us
 
Jesus4ever

Jesus4ever

Senior Member
#8
May 18, 2015
783
19
18
#8
Dear brother, all I can say to you is to keep praying about this matter, asking for enlightenment. The Lord will tell you what you should do.

I´ll pray for you both.

May the Lord bless you and your wife!
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#9
#9
tryingmybestihonestlyam said:
I've noticed that your good at blaming the women , your blaming this wife your blaming your last wife your calling them names saying their this n their that , there's always two sides to a story n to go on your side a the story alone n persecute the women n blame them would be wrong then we'd be like you saying everythings their fault n your the perfect male without any fault at all. So in my opinion if your so perfect n their not why are they leaving you to be with another man . or is that something you'll blame on them too cause none of its your fault. Your last wife chose to be with another , your second wife she done the same . if things were OK at home with you they wouldnt sought the companionship of someone else cause they'd be happy being with you but obviously not , so don't blame everything on them ,two sides to story mate
Click to expand...
Problem I have with your point is you are accusing, not asking.
And you are quick to blame him, when you actually have Zero idea if you're wrong. You're saying such things as if you are speaking as an authority and scolding him.
Before getting all high and mighty and saying how wrong he is you mighty want to get some facts first. Because the critical and demeaning way you spoke to him isn't making your point clear. It's just making you look like a judgmental know it all, that in reality knows nothing.
 
NotmebutHim

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
#10
May 17, 2015
2,948
1,627
113
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#10
Ugly said:
Problem I have with your point is you are accusing, not asking.
And you are quick to blame him, when you actually have Zero idea if you're wrong. You're saying such things as if you are speaking as an authority and scolding him.
Before getting all high and mighty and saying how wrong he is you mighty want to get some facts first. Because the critical and demeaning way you spoke to him isn't making your point clear. It's just making you look like a judgmental know it all, that in reality knows nothing.
Click to expand...
I had the same thought. It's kinda like:

If a man cheats or fails in some other way in a marriage, it's his fault
If a woman cheats or fails in some other way in a marriage, it's still his fault.

Yes he admitted to saying some cruel things to his wife, but there is no good reason for any of us to throw him under the bus. He came asking for help, not for an imperfect scolding.
 
N

NewWine

Guest
#11
#11
No one can tell you what to do in your situation, because it's YOUR situation, not ours. We can tell you what you probably already know, what the Bible says about such things. However, God can lead you to where you need to be for things to really change for you all. Focus on God and let God focus on changing your situation. Focusing on God will make you a better man; a better father, a better husband, a better employee, student, friend....just a better man, all while He is changing your situation for you. Keep praying, keep seeking, keep PRAISING and keep learning as much as you can about the nature of God, building your relationship with the One who will never let you down, and watch things change in your life....even if the only change is your perspective. God is Love, so to show others God living within you, you need to show others Love (patience, kindness, long suffering, being slow to anger.....)
Peace!!
 
L

LoveGodWithAllMyHeart

Guest
#12
#12
I'm new to the forums but recognize some of the described struggles, as my husband is bipolar. We have chosen to not give up, but it isn't easy at all, in fact, it can be draining beyond description. If your life is anything like mine, your probably still battling with what to do about your situation. Bipolar mood shifts in full bloom can wreak havoc in a relationship, especially healthy boundaries are not in place..... Verbal and physical violence can easily set in at times as the individuals struggle with their emotions and mood swings. Has anyone made it through their marriage with one person being bipolar?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#13
#13
LoveGodWithAllMyHeart said:
I'm new to the forums but recognize some of the described struggles, as my husband is bipolar. We have chosen to not give up, but it isn't easy at all, in fact, it can be draining beyond description. If your life is anything like mine, your probably still battling with what to do about your situation. Bipolar mood shifts in full bloom can wreak havoc in a relationship, especially healthy boundaries are not in place..... Verbal and physical violence can easily set in at times as the individuals struggle with their emotions and mood swings. Has anyone made it through their marriage with one person being bipolar?
Click to expand...
This thread is from November. The person who started it has not been back to the site since November.
The upper left of each post shows the date the post was made. It's usually a good idea to take notice of that date before responding in a thread.
 
H

hannalou

Guest
#14
#14
I know this might be an old thread but I'll tell you my story. My husband left me for no reason. We weren't having any problems in our relationship things were smooth (he had PTSD before and would have some rough patches). He was working and going to school, then this past January he sends me a text and tells me he was going to leave, he was tired of being married. A week later he did leave me and went back to live with his parents. I was devastated, confused, hurt, angry. I still loved him and I had no idea why this was happening. He wouldn't talk to me would see me. He filed for a divorce and I got it on Valentines. But unlike your situation there is no waiting period, there is nothing I could do to stop it from happening. If I protested it, the judge would overrule. I was married at 18 and divorced a week before my 20th birthday. I'm not really sure what will be happening in the future but through all that I can say I had such a comfort and peace from God. Yes, I cried, was bitter, upset, but I put it in God's hands and said if this is what you want let me forgive and not be consumed with the why for all this. I'm still working on it but slowly the healing comes and you learn to accept and move on.
I'll be praying that God show you direction.
 
R

RBA238

Guest
#15
#15
Sounds to me, the only way she will ever change, is to stop following Satan and his many tricks, and surrender herself unto The Lord. My Pastor told his flock this: If you are devoted to The Lord, and your spouse is not; you are going to have trouble with your "Father-in-Law" The Devil. Try to get her into Church and make it a weekly, daily routine. She needs to pray, and Ask God to release her from Satan's Grip. Only Being Repented, and Washed in The Blood of Jesus in Water Baptism can give her peace inside her heart.
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#16
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#16
roguemouser said:
Hello.

My wife is mentally ill, bipolar disorder. In August she went into a manic phase and started cheating on me and acting unlike herself in every way Now she wants a divorce. I do not, but if she doesn't want to work things out, things will never work out.

I have prayed day and night, for God's grace and mercy, for forgiveness for my part in our troubles, for her heart and mind to be nealed, for my heart to be healed, for strength and courage. Most days I feel stong and hopeful. Some days, however, I feel hopelessness and deep despair. And in those times, it's very, very difficult to pray. My brain goes away and I can't think. This prayer has been my rock in this time.

I keep going back and forth on the divorce thing. I know with absolute certainty that I do not want this, that we can be happy again like we were for nearly ten years. But last I heard, she wants divorce. We got into a really loud shouting match, I said some really cruel things, she threw me out. Our kids now live with their grandmother (the kids are mine from a previous marriage to an abusive adulterer who abandoned us and moved cross country, years before my recent return to Christ). I live with my mother for now.

In our state, divorce requires a year of separation except in cases of marital infidelity. She cheated on me with several different men.I can get a divorce tomorrow. She has to wait a year. I can't talk to her, she got an order of no contact, though there was never any violence or threats of violence.

According to the Bible, infidelity is th eonly reason for divorce. But I don't want a divorce. At the same time, I don't want to hold on to hope only to find that after a year she still wants to go ahead with the divorce. I'm so very conflicted

Should I give her the divorce, or should I hold out, wait it out and hope for the best? Either way, I will continue to pray for her to be happy, healthy, safe, and that she continue her return to the Church. She's Catholic, hadn't been to church in many years but returned when her mania started in August. And I know that some people don't consider Catholic to be Christian, but if the person's heart is on Christ and God, I don't think the denomination matters all that much.

Please, what should I do? Divorce as she wishes, or hold to hope and continue to ask God to intervene?
Click to expand...
Only you can make that choice. I feel that your salvation is safe no matter your choice. I pray that GOD will give you the answers you seek. I am on a path seeking answers myself with my husband who can be very verbally abusive and has cheated numerous times also. So i feel your pain in the choice you have to make. I think that if she really wants the divorce and is set on it I would give it to her you should not have to live your life out with someone who will not love you and treat you right.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#17
#17
OP hasn't logged in to the site since the day he put this post up, last November, as stated above. So responding to the OP is fruitless. And resurfacing it is only causing others to respond to someone who isn't here any longer.

But referring to someone with a mental illness as 'following Satan' is simply damaging to people and offers no real help at all, and often only makes things worse. So horrible advice there, which makes it, perhaps good, that he is not here to see it.
 
M

migs

Guest
#18
#18
I am going through decision. My husband is 5 years younger than Me he ignors me doesn't kiss me. He won't hold me. I feel unwanted and unloved. Why am I not good enough. Am I that ugly
 
W

Wilm

Banned
#19
Dec 23, 2015
5
0
0
#19
No, your not ugly your beautiful
 
W

WeightedWords

Guest
#20
#20
Guess it is a good thing God didn't take the same stance the first time you and I sinned as believers.
 
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