Messed up life

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J

JustViv

Guest
#1
#1
I have no words to express myself and exactly how I feel deep within me. All I know is that, my life is messed up. I have been isolating myself for almost 12 months now. Earlier, I do come here but as time goes by, I hardly come on here because I could not face God myself. It is not that I do not trust Him, I believe in Him but the pain in my life is eating me up that I've been doing a lot of things to continue punishing myself and a huge wall formed around me. I cannot face God anymore especially that I know who He truly is.

Things are really tough on my end. End of Dec 2015, an ex-colleague of mine knew things were not going well with me. He contacted his church member, a counselor and psychotherapist (let's call him Dr E), to help me. I did not call him. I continued to suffer in pain and punishing myself with all sorts of things. This morning, as I'm doing my assignment (it's public holidays here in Malaysia - Muslims celebrating Raya), I'm not sure what got into me that I decided to call Dr E. I told Dr E that I am on a very tight budget and could not afford to pay. He says it's free of charge. There'll be many sessions up to an hour and a half for a session. He scheduled me in tomorrow at 2.30pm.

I no longer know what is right and what is wrong. I no longer know how I should deal with myself. Many times, I wondered why am I alive when I was so closed to death so many times. I should not have lived. I feel like I'm taking up unnecessary space on earth.
 
notmyown

notmyown

Senior Member
#2
May 26, 2016
4,927
1,267
113
#2
:( Viv.... i will pray for you.

i will pray "Dr. E." offers you Biblical counsel.
i will pray the Lord comforts you.

i love you. in Christ, i do love you.
 
H

HisHolly

Guest
#3
#3
What do you mean you can't face God bc you know who He truly is?
He loves and forgives, heals, is there when no one else is...
 
AbigailZeke

AbigailZeke

Beloved
#4
Mar 11, 2016
3,055
242
63
Singapore
abigail.pro
#4
Viv! I have no idea what you're going through right now, but from your post, it sounds like you're blaming yourself for whatever is going on, or whatever has happened before? I have gone through something similar, and it starts with being disappointed with yourself, leading to isolation, depression, deep guilt, self-condemnation to the point that you hate yourself so much and you keep dragging yourself every day, trying to figure out how to get through the day, maybe because you don't feel like you deserve living, or living has no point or meaning anymore. You may have tried to numb the pain or the indifference that you're feeling and always ending up with the same old same old, and it only worsens the problem. If this continues, it can lead to serious problems, not just to yourself, but to the people who love and value you.

I don't know exactly how to help, other than pray and throw this out there. Please remember that, whatever it was, no matter how deep the wound, how heavy the pain and the burden, how unworthy you think of yourself, please, please remember, that you are never, NEVER, ever, beyond God's love and grace.

Please remember that, you don't have to make yourself worthy for God to accept you. He is NOT mad, or disappointed in you. No, He is NOT blaming you for whatever. There's no such thing as, unable to face God! Whatever you feel or do, or may have done, all of it, is NOTHING compared to God's grace and mercy for you, RIGHT NOW. Please remember how He has saved you and how He is more than willing to deliver you from this. He's not disappointed in you. Just come back to God and let Him heal you.

Lord, please heal Viv's life and remind her who she is in You, Your precious daughter, beloved and to die for. Please shine Your light in her life and set her free from guilt, condemnation, please heal her broken heart and wounded soul. In Jesus' Name, amen.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#5
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#5
I pray that the Holy Spirit will fill the emptiness in your heart and give you hope and purpose to continue with this thing called life. Life is still beautiful despite the mess you are in these days. In Christ, the future is great because He holds it in His hands. God bless you.
 
M

missy2014

Guest
#6
#6
Hey its OK your life is messy its OK to cry your sisters are here to help he wants you to know you're very beautiful to him you ran run away with him to that secret place in your heart where you and him can share deep memories conversations its ok to dream with God!and the love you have between you and the beautiful lord Jesus is intimate he wants to hear your deepest inner desires your deepest thoughts he wants to hear you " daddy i love you hello lord thankyou for giving me yourself thankyou for giving me everything " just talk to God like a child talks to their father just not mushy but natural real let God bring you close its like a parent or Father God pulling the blankets up and just snuggling up with their child ITS THAT CLOSE. I could be wrong but I feel like you're talked alot with God some how anyway but God is responding with a lot of words and he's like thru me and the sisters ' Hey viv I do care I see you and its OK come close you know? that sort of thing. Whenever I seen your post it seems like at the moment you really want to know your beautiful to him but the truth is he already sees you and come close and he'll come close.
 
T

TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#7
#7
JustViv said:
I have no words to express myself and exactly how I feel deep within me. All I know is that, my life is messed up. I have been isolating myself for almost 12 months now. Earlier, I do come here but as time goes by, I hardly come on here because I could not face God myself. It is not that I do not trust Him, I believe in Him but the pain in my life is eating me up that I've been doing a lot of things to continue punishing myself and a huge wall formed around me. I cannot face God anymore especially that I know who He truly is.

Things are really tough on my end. End of Dec 2015, an ex-colleague of mine knew things were not going well with me. He contacted his church member, a counselor and psychotherapist (let's call him Dr E), to help me. I did not call him. I continued to suffer in pain and punishing myself with all sorts of things. This morning, as I'm doing my assignment (it's public holidays here in Malaysia - Muslims celebrating Raya), I'm not sure what got into me that I decided to call Dr E. I told Dr E that I am on a very tight budget and could not afford to pay. He says it's free of charge. There'll be many sessions up to an hour and a half for a session. He scheduled me in tomorrow at 2.30pm.

I no longer know what is right and what is wrong. I no longer know how I should deal with myself. Many times, I wondered why am I alive when I was so closed to death so many times. I should not have lived. I feel like I'm taking up unnecessary space on earth.
Click to expand...
I am so so so sorry. I do not know what is going on in your life, and I can not say I understand because I probably don't. I had a friend who had a very rough life, and hated herself for something she did. She constantly punished herself because she thought she deserves it.
I hated reading that you also punished yourself. No one deserves that sweetie!!!!!! No matter who they are! You are a beloved child of God, and I mean that. The one who created the Heavens and earth planned for you to come and made you in the image of Him. No child of something that blessed and wonderful should ever feel the way you do, but the truth is we live in a messed up, broken, dark world and there are going to be things that bring us down to our knees and things that we think we can't take anymore.
You can make it through more then you think you can.
I have seen so many people make it through unthinkable trials, and do you think they were confident that they could take anymore life had for them? No. They thought they were done that they couldn't and wouldnt take anymore. But they did. And they made it.
We have the capability to go through incredible things and still lift ourselves up and keep going.

My life didn't actually start till I hit rock bottom, because from there I had no where to look but up. I had no where to look but to God to save me from the hole I dug myself in. And He did, and I learned that I can rest in His arms through all these awful challenges in life and receive serinity and strength.
Without the darkness in life there is no way to recognize that the light is light and how blessed we are to have it. You need to have bad to see the good.
I pray that you find rest and comfort in the arms of the LORD and you run to Him for the strength you need to make it through this awfuly hard time you are in, and that Dr. E can help you as much as he's able.
I am praying for you sweetie, please hold on; things aren't dark forever.
 
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melita916

melita916

Senior Member
#8
Aug 12, 2011
10,456
2,682
113
#8
viv, you are loved by a Heavenly Father who is enthralled by your beauty! nothing will make Him stop loving you. His love for you is always. it never changes. it never fades away. i pray Holy Spirit ministers to your heart and mind today and always.
 
M

missy2014

Guest
#9
#9
Relax too you're frustrated and stressed initiate the closeness you draw first get use to that embrace you his little girl in his arms you can draw near its OK to want that he wants you .
Once you're past this I think as you allow God and you to be close and closer he'll show you your beauty I believe you'll see yourself as that rose to him and just as a rose blossoms so too your beauty will come out. Draw close he's got plans for you, to unravel your beauty he's proud of you your beauty he loves think of yourself standing before your Groom your Prince of Peace and asks you to stand in front of him so he can look at you your beautiful self beautiful you. Its kinda like the Lord saying to you stand in front of me I want to you because so he can admire your beauty like" do it again haha!" you can twirl your dress infront of your maker he loves you and youre special to him I personally want ro twirl and dance haha.That's how I picture it anyway. Remember this ain't baby talk it actually takes place heaven is marriage to a royal king the King of all kings. Please hear me/ us viv you're one of us and we know you're our sister draw close .
 
M

missy2014

Guest
#10
#10
Temporary circumstances thanks for the rep/ whoever I'd really appreciate prayers I m real weak in my faith need prayer thanks whoever! Haha.
 
T

TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#11
#11
missy2014 said:
Relax too you're frustrated and stressed initiate the closeness you draw first get use to that embrace you his little girl in his arms you can draw near its OK to want that he wants you .
Once you're past this I think as you allow God and you to be close and closer he'll show you your beauty I believe you'll see yourself as that rose to him and just as a rose blossoms so too your beauty will come out. Draw close he's got plans for you, to unravel your beauty he's proud of you your beauty he loves think of yourself standing before your Groom your Prince of Peace and asks you to stand in front of him so he can look at you your beautiful self beautiful you. Its kinda like the Lord saying to you stand in front of me I want to you because so he can admire your beauty like" do it again haha!" you can twirl your dress infront of your maker he loves you and youre special to him I personally want ro twirl and dance haha.That's how I picture it anyway. Remember this ain't baby talk it actually takes place heaven is marriage to a royal king the King of all kings. Please hear me/ us viv you're one of us and we know you're our sister draw close .
Click to expand...
missy2014 said:
Relax too you're frustrated and stressed initiate the closeness you draw first get use to that embrace you his little girl in his arms you can draw near its OK to want that he wants you .
Once you're past this I think as you allow God and you to be close and closer he'll show you your beauty I believe you'll see yourself as that rose to him and just as a rose blossoms so too your beauty will come out. Draw close he's got plans for you, to unravel your beauty he's proud of you your beauty he loves think of yourself standing before your Groom your Prince of Peace and asks you to stand in front of him so he can look at you your beautiful self beautiful you. Its kinda like the Lord saying to you stand in front of me I want to you because so he can admire your beauty like" do it again haha!" you can twirl your dress infront of your maker he loves you and youre special to him I personally want ro twirl and dance haha.That's how I picture it anyway. Remember this ain't baby talk it actually takes place heaven is marriage to a royal king the King of all kings. Please hear me/ us viv you're one of us and we know you're our sister draw close .
Click to expand...
Exactly couldn't have said it better myself!
We are all children of the LORD and sisters and brothers in the love of the LORD.
You are loved Viv and will never be forsaken!
 
T

TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#12
#12
missy2014 said:
Temporary circumstances thanks for the rep/ whoever I'd really appreciate prayers I m real weak in my faith need prayer thanks whoever! Haha.
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No thanks needed sweetie, keep doing what your doing. I will pray!
 
T

TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#13
#13
missy2014 said:
Temporary circumstances thanks for the rep/ whoever I'd really appreciate prayers I m real weak in my faith need prayer thanks whoever! Haha.
Click to expand...
No thanks needed sweetie, keep doing what your doing. I will pray!
 
PennEd

PennEd

Senior Member
#14
Apr 22, 2013
13,435
8,961
113
#14
Dear Heavenly Father. Our sister is in pain and distress. We are all a part of Your Body so we are all in pain and distress. Please let her feel Your Presence this day, and reveal to her just how loved she is, and let her remember to NEVER fight the enemy and ill thoughts and attacks by herself. In Jesus mighty Name I pray.
 
notmyown

notmyown

Senior Member
#15
May 26, 2016
4,927
1,267
113
#15
Viv, my dear, were you able to see 'Dr. E.' ?
did you feel comfortable with him, and safe?

not to pry... but if you ever feel like you want to update, i know we all would love that.
and we'll continue to pray for you. ♥
 
J

JustViv

Guest
#16
#16
Hi all,

Thank you for your care and concern. I did see Dr E this afternoon.

He gathered as much information as he could. He found a lot of underlying issues that I have and asked where I would like to start. I told him I have no idea but I need to do something about it. He decided to look into conflicts I have with people and how I ended up getting raped and also bad relationship.


Apparently, I am a very clingy person. I am very aggressive and trying to get things out of people in my life. The first 5 years of a person's life is very important and that shaped a person's character. He knew I come from an abusive family. He noticed that I do not have the most important thing that every mankind needs - a bond of a mother. It is absent from my life. I told him that there's a memory when I was 2 that is very vivid in my mind.


I was raised by my paternal grandmother's friend from China. Every evening, she will put me in a pram and take me out for a walk. One day, I was 2, no one took me out for a walk. She has left. I took the pram and walked out of the house alone. Dr Edmund finds that, it's my mother's duty to do that. I experienced abandonment since young. Grown up, each time I meet anyone, I tend to have these people to meet my needs. Fill the emptiness. Either people got tired and walk away or they start to take advantage of me.


So, I've been encouraged to draw close to God and return to Him. I've also decided to come out of my isolation. Not immediately. I will do it one step at a time. I met up with my classmate for tea after the session.
 
T

TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#17
#17
JustViv said:
Hi all,

Thank you for your care and concern. I did see Dr E this afternoon.

He gathered as much information as he could. He found a lot of underlying issues that I have and asked where I would like to start. I told him I have no idea but I need to do something about it. He decided to look into conflicts I have with people and how I ended up getting raped and also bad relationship.


Apparently, I am a very clingy person. I am very aggressive and trying to get things out of people in my life. The first 5 years of a person's life is very important and that shaped a person's character. He knew I come from an abusive family. He noticed that I do not have the most important thing that every mankind needs - a bond of a mother. It is absent from my life. I told him that there's a memory when I was 2 that is very vivid in my mind.


I was raised by my paternal grandmother's friend from China. Every evening, she will put me in a pram and take me out for a walk. One day, I was 2, no one took me out for a walk. She has left. I took the pram and walked out of the house alone. Dr Edmund finds that, it's my mother's duty to do that. I experienced abandonment since young. Grown up, each time I meet anyone, I tend to have these people to meet my needs. Fill the emptiness. Either people got tired and walk away or they start to take advantage of me.


So, I've been encouraged to draw close to God and return to Him. I've also decided to come out of my isolation. Not immediately. I will do it one step at a time. I met up with my classmate for tea after the session.
Click to expand...
I am very glad you met Dr.E! It seems like he was able to get a lot of information! I hope he can help, and you continue to get close with God!
 
M

mar09

Senior Member
#18
Sep 17, 2014
4,927
1,259
113
#18
Hi viv,
Is it not hard when u cant put down things into words? I remember wantign to reply to this, but taking a while. Even writing down on paper some thots at this u have shared when i could not sit long enough on the computer... but it is good to hear u have talked w/ the doctor. It is a process going back or moving on and takes time, but may u be on ur way as the Lord Himself heals. Youve been thru so much, but we miss ur sharing abt how faithful God has been to u. This is not to force u to tell ur current struggles and victories, and more impt is that u are dealing with these, and in time untangling what have hurt and bothered u as u find true answers and solutions.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#19
Aug 2, 2009
24,640
4,298
113
#19
JustViv said:
I have no words to express myself and exactly how I feel deep within me. All I know is that, my life is messed up. I have been isolating myself for almost 12 months now. Earlier, I do come here but as time goes by, I hardly come on here because I could not face God myself. It is not that I do not trust Him, I believe in Him but the pain in my life is eating me up that I've been doing a lot of things to continue punishing myself and a huge wall formed around me. I cannot face God anymore especially that I know who He truly is.

Things are really tough on my end. End of Dec 2015, an ex-colleague of mine knew things were not going well with me. He contacted his church member, a counselor and psychotherapist (let's call him Dr E), to help me. I did not call him. I continued to suffer in pain and punishing myself with all sorts of things. This morning, as I'm doing my assignment (it's public holidays here in Malaysia - Muslims celebrating Raya), I'm not sure what got into me that I decided to call Dr E. I told Dr E that I am on a very tight budget and could not afford to pay. He says it's free of charge. There'll be many sessions up to an hour and a half for a session. He scheduled me in tomorrow at 2.30pm.

I no longer know what is right and what is wrong. I no longer know how I should deal with myself. Many times, I wondered why am I alive when I was so closed to death so many times. I should not have lived. I feel like I'm taking up unnecessary space on earth.
Click to expand...
I feel like this too.
 
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