Porn, Personals, and Lying. What should I do in this Trial Separation?

[LaurenTM]

You know, lately as I've read posts like this, where the man is condemned for his weakness and sin, and I think OK, this happens a lot. I'm not minimalising this type of sin. But what about the women? Are they sinless? Women have their weaknesses too. Like self-righteous arrogance, gossip, maligning, slander, sins of the tongue, bad attitudes etc. Just a warning to the ladies, check your own soul. Are you out of line as well? Are you the wife your husband really wants to come home to? The one time in my life when I believe I saw the sin unto death administered by God, it was to a christian woman who maligned and passed on gossip about men who were great pastors. She went through hell, and finally died an early death.

pass the salt

what kind of woman should she be to keep her husband from looking at porn? or the other things he is doing

for some reason, you appear to see this as a possible man bashing thread

from the responses from other men, I would say you are wrong

 

[NotmebutHim]

You know, lately as I've read posts like this, where the man is condemned for his weakness and sin, and I think OK, this happens a lot. I'm not minimalising this type of sin. But what about the women? Are they sinless? Women have their weaknesses too. Like self-righteous arrogance, gossip, maligning, slander, sins of the tongue, bad attitudes etc. Just a warning to the ladies, check your own soul. Are you out of line as well? Are you the wife your husband really wants to come home to? The one time in my life when I believe I saw the sin unto death administered by God, it was to a christian woman who maligned and passed on gossip about men who were great pastors. She went through hell, and finally died an early death.

You know, I was thinking the same thing, but I didn't want to see this thread turn into a "man vs. woman" free-for-all. Not saying that you're trying to do that; I just know that sexual sin/infidelity/abuse/divorce threads tend to go in that direction.

Which will lead us to needing that "attitude adjustment" that was mentioned in another thread.

 

[Dan58]

What did Jesus say about people who "didn't technically" murder or commit adultery?

I'm not saying that he's not sinning, nor do I condone a married man lusting for other women. It just seems like the consensus (dump him) is a little extreme. If every woman divorced because they caught their husband looking at other women, the divorce rate would sky-rocket. I still think "looking" at pictures is different from actually committing adultery. Your kind of insinuating that if Eve just looked at the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil, but didn't partake of the fruit, she would still be as guilty as when she did? If King David just saw a beautiful woman bathing (Bathsheba), but didn't send for her, I doubt God would have been as angry... jmo

Sorry bro, if the dude is masturbating to porn then he's cheating.

I don't recall reading anything about masturbation? But if we're of a mindset to condemn every human being who's done so, who's not guilty?

Its also not unusual for some couples who can't get excited about the same ole same ole, to use magazines and such as a marital aid to enhance their sex life.

The recommendations that this woman should divorce because what her husbands doing 'might' lead to something worse, just seems a tad premature to me. Most men appreciate a beautiful woman, getting married doesn't kill that natural instinct, it just means that we're expected to control it. And of course, its natural for a spouse to get jealous when their mates attention is diverted elsewhere.. jmo

 

[JosephsDreams]

If he's browsing personal ads, it's a given that he intends to hook up with somebody and have sex. Otherwise he'd have absolutely no reason to even look at them. He has a HUGE addiction to porn and sex, that's rather obvious. Stop enabling him by putting up with it time after time. This has been going on for several years? And he lies constantly about it? Put your foot down and tell him that you can't keep going through this malarkey. Otherwise you'll be stuck in an endless cycle for the rest of your life. God ALWAYS uses divorce to bring something better into a person's life, so if you've had enough of being used, lied to and (possibly) cheated on, then that's your way out. Hubby will only change if he WANTS to change. God won't do it for him. And neither can you. I think he needs major counseling for his addiction, and you need to stop letting yourself be made a fool of, over and over again.

You almost always tell people to divorce when you reply to like. similar situations. I usually know your reply before I even read it.

 

[PennEd]

I really need some christian advice for my marriage. I really would like some male perspectives with some honesty too. Do most men, even christian men, watch porn? Is this supposed to be ok to the wife even if the man is doing it to the point that he is dabbling in things he shouldn't be, like browsing personals just to "read" the ads. Where is the line? I know it may seem silly to some, but the more I read about it, the more I realize just how addicted men are to this stuff, even christian men. Is this like a thing we women just need to except or expect?

My husband is heavy into it and lies about it all of the time for many years to me until I find it. I always forgive him until recently I found he was looking at personals. He admitted finally he has a problem but swears he never intended to cheat and just likes reading the ads I guess. He also lies easily to me and that scares me. He struggles with giving in easily to temptation and has before in regards to drinking and recreational drugs. He always resorts to lying unless he gets caught.

Finally I decided to ask for a trial separation and I am so torn on what God wants for me to do. Am I supposed to stay after all of the lies and hurt since he has finally admitted he has a problem and is going to get help? I just feel my trust is damaged and will never be restored. And although he says he loves me and wants to work on himself and his relationship with God, I feel like he should be doing more in regards to winning back my heart. He is just so passive at times I wonder if he can truly love me the way I feel I deserve. I am trying to be a good christian wife, but I feel so cheated and my confidence is going down the drain.

I struggle with the guilt of leaving him when he is finally trying to turn his heart to God (which I have been trying to get him to do for a while now), but is it going to be enough? My parents are still together and my mom has put up with my dads cheating adulterous habits, lying, and drug and alcohol abuse for almost 30 years and she is miserable and they are not in love. But I think my mom tells herself that God does not want her to get divorced and to constantly try and save my dad and their marriage. He even goes to church sometimes too. I fear of heading down that same path as my parents. My husband is not as bad and does not have the exact same issues as my Dad, but it is still way too close to home and I know these things can spiral with time, obviously as my husband has spiraled in many ways already.

I feel so cheated by the men in my life. I know I have God and always will, but I am wondering what I am supposed to do about this. One minute I feel God is telling me to wait and work towards restoring the marriage, while the other I wonder if he is trying to tell me to not walk the same path as my mom and that he has something better for me if I break free. Or do practically all christian men watch porn and stuff and I would just be leaving one for the next. I am very sensitive right now, so please only those who have experience in this or genuinely want to help. Thank you.

As I'm reading your post a couple of things hit me. First, I'm so terribly sorry you are going through this. Secondly, I could swear you are a person or persons that I know. This ALMOST exact same story I have heard over and over again.

Facts. Then my opinion.
Fact- It is NOT ok for ANY man/husband to dabble or watch porn. IT IS SIMPLY SINFUL, HURTFUL AND WRONG.
Fact- It is an addiction. THIS DOES NOT EXCUSE IT.
Fact- He will not be able to stop on his own. I know some will fight me in this, but I've never seen it. He needs God and to walk in the Spirit not in the flesh. Bbl for opinion. May God bless you.

 

[Angela53510]

My husband has never looked at porn in his life! Once, about 10 years ago he was looking for car parts, and a porn window opened up. He immediately came and got me, and showed it to me. I asked him what he was going to do about it, and he said, delete the website and never go back to it, and I know he has not! (Although he continues to haunt other car part sites!)

In Seminary we did a whole unit in Pastoral Ministries on porn and porn addiction. Because it is such a huge issue. I was super sensitive - my husband and I just don't live that way. But, in class we learned not only about how many pastors, men and women are addicted to porn, but also how many denominations, especially in the US have set up programs to help pastors get out of porn for good, and for new people in the ministry to avoid the temptations found on the internet.

Accountability has to be the biggest answer. Besides ad block, his computer needs to always be in an open area. That way, anyone, including the kids can see what he is doing. He needs an accountability partner, who will walk through this with him. Someone he can phone when he is tempted, and will mentor him.

Last fall, we had no senior pastor, so two men in our church set up a men's accountability that meets weekly to work through this issue together. Again, my husband didn't go, but I told him that if they ever get a group for car part site addictions, he would have to go! (We both laughed!)

So, you need to get him to agree to some very strict terms if he wants to save his marriage. He has a habit of lying, so many this might be the beginning of bringing this very deep darkness into the light. Especially if he is interested in obeying and walking with Jesus Christ.

But if he is just stringing you along to keep you from leaving, then you are the one who needs the counselling. And part of that would be to accept leaving. Jesus does not want anyone to stay in a sham of a marriage, and I am sorry your mom has put up with this for so long.

I pray you will be able to work this out. Only Jesus is going to be the one to lead! But you can still find many godly people who can also follow Jesus and can help your husband to become a man of God and one who honours you and the marriage vows.

PS. It sure sounds like there is someone rationalizing porn on this thread. Porn is a deal breaker in a marriage, besides being sin against God.

 

[NewWine]

I won't offer advice, but I did pray for you and your husband. I will keep this in prayer as well.

Peace!

 

[Willie-T]

I'm not saying that he's not sinning, nor do I condone a married man lusting for other women. It just seems like the consensus (dump him) is a little extreme. If every woman divorced because they caught their husband looking at other women, the divorce rate would sky-rocket. I still think "looking" at pictures is different from actually committing adultery. Your kind of insinuating that if Eve just looked at the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil, but didn't partake of the fruit, she would still be as guilty as when she did? If King David just saw a beautiful woman bathing (Bathsheba), but didn't send for her, I doubt God would have been as angry... jmo



I don't recall reading anything about masturbation? But if we're of a mindset to condemn every human being who's done so, who's not guilty?

Its also not unusual for some couples who can't get excited about the same ole same ole, to use magazines and such as a marital aid to enhance their sex life.

The recommendations that this woman should divorce because what her husbands doing 'might' lead to something worse, just seems a tad premature to me. Most men appreciate a beautiful woman, getting married doesn't kill that natural instinct, it just means that we're expected to control it. And of course, its natural for a spouse to get jealous when their mates attention is diverted elsewhere.. jmo

I don't believe I have ever said that.

 

[JosephsDreams]

Porn destroys marriages, and souls. The woman and men who partake in it, and produce, are seriously in need of soul repair. They are used, lied to, many, if not mot,, take drug, they get diseases, and have many destructive emotional issue.
It is degrading for a man to watch that stuff, degrading for the men and woman who are being filmed, and is from the pit of hell.

 

[Ultimatum77]

PS. It sure sounds like there is someone rationalizing porn on this thread. Porn is a deal breaker in a marriage, besides being sin against God.

I agree, porn has no place in any marriage relationship. Any form of pornography should not be excused, If people need porn to get aroused there is seriously something wrong with their marriage and possibly even their spiritual life. There is verse after verse in the Bible about controlling your eyes for a reason. When you entertain yourself by "indulging" your eyes you are giving roots to the weeds of lust in your soul and pretty soon you will be completely wrapped in lust like poison ivy on a pillar to the point it chokes out your spiritual light from the Holy Spirit. Whether men decide to control their eyes or not is between them and God. But God commands us to use self-control and control our eyes. If you give satan an inch he will take you for miles and miles until you are completely lost and away from God.

 

[Dan58]

I don't believe I have ever said that.

I didn't mean to imply that you personally were recommending divorce. I was just speaking in generalities and noticed a few others (consensus) were suggesting it. Back in the 70's, I remember my sisters husband use to buy Playboys, but divorce never entered her mind, in fact she never left, got mad, and didn't really care much about it. A couple years later, her husband grew out of it, never cheated, and they're still happily married today. I guess that's why I think divorce is radical advise.

 

[HS]

From my experience it is degrading for all. It is false sex. It has lowered my view on the other sex all I think about when i go out with men is are you any good down there. It's terrible and irreversible. porn is never any good whether in marriage or out of it. it may not cause cheating but remember if you look at another lustfully you have committed adultery you can't look at porn without lust.

 

[GraceDefined]

Dear Fighter123,

I want to start by saying that God is able and does have a plan. There's a song somewhere that says "when you can't see God's hand, trust His heart". Wherever God is leading you, He is already there.

It is VERY possible that your husband does look at the personals just for further excitement. Sure, it could lead to him taking the next step, but from what I'm gleaning from your post, that has not happened yet. If you stay, then an ultimatum needs to be given that he gets counseling that includes an accountability program. Someone that he has to check in with from time to time. It has to be a Christian program because we as Christians do not need to take counsel from the world. Lastly, you must be involved with it for your own healing.

If you feel you have to walk away, do so knowing that you have done all you can do.


This is a weakness for so many of us men and we don't talk about it among ourselves as we should. Christian brothers need to come together and defeat this monster with God's help. Consider this; an alcoholic can avoid going into bars, etc. to help with the addiction. But, the person that deals with pornography has it pushed in their face every waking hour. I think it is one of the enemies greatest snares.

God bless you and give you strength. He is there. Trust in Him and He will lead and comfort you.

GraceDefined