Female half of a couple seeking advice

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spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
403
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My husband and I have been spending time with a couple he has known since the 1990's when the 3 of them worked at the same place. This couple has dated off and on since the 1990's. Both of them are on disability. Both of them can only work a maximum of 20 hours a week when they are employed. But the male half of the couple does not want to get married.

The female half of the couple has been telling all 3 of us why she is not happy with her current relationship. According to her, her boyfriend does not meet her emotional needs. She wants to be taken care of. She wants him to show her how much he cares for her. She wants him to be more affectionate. She is tired of paying her own way when we go out to dinner or out to lunch. She has been dropping hints that a male friend of hers is back in the picture. She has told him that her male friend treats her better than he does. She has told us that she feels that God brought her male friend back into the picture for a reason. Possibly for the 2 of them to date each-other.

According to her, she wants to slowly encourage her male friend to want to date her. She wants to spend time alone with her male friend. She also said that she would be happy just being his friend.

She is seeking advice from her family and friends.

What is the best advice she needs to hear?
 
Half-hearted, lukewarm, playing both sides of the fence is really not a good idea.
My advice would be to either break off the friendship or the current relationship. I pray the Lord guides her decisions.
 
I'm with Penn Ed. I don't quite understand the situation though. Are they living together? The couple that is. Does she want to get married?

If she does want to get married and he doesn't, then there really isn't a reason to stay in the relationship.
 
Fenner said:
I'm with Penn Ed. I don't quite understand the situation though. Are they living together? The couple that is. Does she want to get married?

If she does want to get married and he doesn't, then there really isn't a reason to stay in the relationship.
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No, they do not live together.

She does want to get married to someone. He does not.
 
spunkycat08 said:
No, they do not live together.

She does want to get married to someone. He does not.
Click to expand...

Its simple. If he doesnt want to get married then she needs to come to grips with that and move on. She cant have a reality distortion and will it into existence.
 
Apparently this woman feels that her current relationship is stagnant and she desires a change. I feel bad for the man in this relationship as he does not have enough to offer to her. If she was so unhappy why has she been with him for years? Painful as it may be he may be better off without him.
 
Yeah. She's making a pretty bad choice by keeping both guys around. She needs to pick one or the other and stop using people.
 
There was something about the entire situation that I did not like, but I could not put my finger on it.

Neither one wants to responsible for breaking up.

This will not end well.

Someone will get hurt if this continues.
 
Ugly said:
Yeah. She's making a pretty bad choice by keeping both guys around. She needs to pick one or the other and stop using people.
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You hit the nail on the head, brother! She sounds (not saying she is) a bit selfish.
 
Born_Again said:
You hit the nail on the head, brother! She sounds (not saying she is) a bit selfish.
Click to expand...

Yeah...

And appearing to be selfish is not a good thing when it comes to people's feelings.

There are 3 parties in this situation to consider, and everyone's feelings do matter.
 
We can all have selfish tendencies under the right circumstances. Even if we aren't normally selfish.
Usually in situations like this the person is fearful of having no one, so they keep one as a 'back up' in case the other falls through. In her case her own bf is the backup. If things don't go well with the new guy, she still has 'old reliable' to stick with, even if she's not happy with him. She'd rather be with someone and miserable than alone.
I've been down that road. So i get the mindset. But i also knew what it was like to experience giving that 'back up' the boot. It's quite freeing. When you hold on to someone like that, it is a false sense of security and comfort. But in reality it holds you back mentally and emotionally if you meet someone else because you haven't fully severed ties with the other person.
Also there will be a level of guilt involved because, at the core of it, you are cheating. It's easy to deny or excuse at the time, but once you grow beyond that, there's a lot of guilt involved. So you think you are creating safety and security in the moment, but the long term negative effects outweigh the lies you tell yourself.

As Ron Swanson put it best... Never half *ss two things, whole *ss one thing.

raw
 
Ugly said:
We can all have selfish tendencies under the right circumstances. Even if we aren't normally selfish.
Usually in situations like this the person is fearful of having no one, so they keep one as a 'back up' in case the other falls through. In her case her own bf is the backup. If things don't go well with the new guy, she still has 'old reliable' to stick with, even if she's not happy with him. She'd rather be with someone and miserable than alone.
I've been down that road. So i get the mindset. But i also knew what it was like to experience giving that 'back up' the boot. It's quite freeing. When you hold on to someone like that, it is a false sense of security and comfort. But in reality it holds you back mentally and emotionally if you meet someone else because you haven't fully severed ties with the other person.
Also there will be a level of guilt involved because, at the core of it, you are cheating. It's easy to deny or excuse at the time, but once you grow beyond that, there's a lot of guilt involved. So you think you are creating safety and security in the moment, but the long term negative effects outweigh the lies you tell yourself.

As Ron Swanson put it best... Never half *ss two things, whole *ss one thing.

raw
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That is the feeling I get.

I would not want to be anyone's backup if I was still single.
 
Oh dear. This sounds something my sister was in. Only the guy she was talking about was my sisters husband. They had an affair, and my sister is still have a problem forgiving her husband.
 
spunkycat08 said:
My husband and I have been spending time with a couple he has known since the 1990's when the 3 of them worked at the same place. This couple has dated off and on since the 1990's. Both of them are on disability. Both of them can only work a maximum of 20 hours a week when they are employed. But the male half of the couple does not want to get married.

The female half of the couple has been telling all 3 of us why she is not happy with her current relationship. According to her, her boyfriend does not meet her emotional needs. She wants to be taken care of. She wants him to show her how much he cares for her. She wants him to be more affectionate. She is tired of paying her own way when we go out to dinner or out to lunch. She has been dropping hints that a male friend of hers is back in the picture. She has told him that her male friend treats her better than he does. She has told us that she feels that God brought her male friend back into the picture for a reason. Possibly for the 2 of them to date each-other.

According to her, she wants to slowly encourage her male friend to want to date her. She wants to spend time alone with her male friend. She also said that she would be happy just being his friend.

She is seeking advice from her family and friends.

What is the best advice she needs to hear?
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to say but her motives for wanting to get married are all wrong. She is trying to sell herself to the highest bidder (the one that meets her demands) without considering anyone else's feelings, wants or needs. Any relationship that she gets into will only lead to hurt and disillusionment. Until she makes God number one in her life, she will always be seeking and never finding that fulfillment that she so desperately is looking for.
 
She definitely sounds like she's trying to control the situation by manipulating both guys. "Dropping hints" just doesn't work. Trying to encourage someone into doing something she wants them to do, is essentially manipulating them. I wonder if part of her misery with her own relationship is more out of boredom than genuine misery.
 
My husband and I had dinner with her and the guy she was dating but chose to remain friends with. Dinner was at her place last night.

Turns out her male friend is jealous of the guy she is trying to convince to want to date her.

She told all 3 of us that she and that male friend had coffee Sunday morning at a cafe.

She still wants to convince him to want to date her.
 
The eyes of a man/woman are never satisfied. Always looking to be more happy and something better for them. Marriage is work, and if you doing it to make life easier on yourself.....Good luck. I will say fornication is a sin. So maybe this relationship habit is spiritually toxic. God may be leading her out of sin, but that doesn't necessarily mean to go into another sinful relationship. Does he really not want to get married? Are she sexually active with him? Maybe he is getting ask he needs without marriage. Is he a Christian, or claim to be? A man of God will want to marry his bride. He may not be perfect in all her emotional needs, but should try and for sure should want to be joined to her. The 2 timing is absolutely wrong though.
 
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