Christian Divorce and Parents

[KP08]

I met my husband one month before USMC bootcamp. He moved to CA and we dated long distance for 4 years. We got married one month after he got out and moved home. I realized quickly that his rage was an issue. He cracked a door during a fight while trying to get in the room so he could yell at me face to face. Punched and dented both of our cars steering wheels, while one time calling me a cold hearted b**ch. He punched and shattered a windshield while driving because I told him to slow down, and recently made a "joke" about how everyone would be happier if I were to die. He pushed me down for the first time last week. My parents know all of this and blame it on PTSD. It has been 5 years and there are many other stories. Ive given up after years of praying and feel at peace with leaving. My parents however say that God put us together and I made a promise I need to keep. That every relationship has problems and you need to work through them. And that God isnt the author of divorce. Im so unhappy and my husband knows I want a divorce and has been on my side with it. I just dont know what to think or how to talk to my family. If you have any advice or wisdom on this id love to hear it. Thank you

 

[Tommy379]

Your parents are correct. In the bible it says that God hates divorce. Jesus says you can only divorce for adultery. We are to uphold our oaths and obligations. You do need to be safe. Your post indicates your husband is ok with divorce. I dont know what your laws in your state are but I'm sure it requires a period of separation to divorce. Hmmm. Leave him as it seems he would agree as Paul wrote about. Get safe. Limit contact to only fiduciary interest of y'alls estate. And see what happens. If a year goes by and he comes with hat in hand and you really can see he is made a change try really try to reconcile. If he doesn't come back, Paul wrote you aren't bound by the law anymore. PTSD is terrible. I have had it for years without knowing. I just learned to deal with it this year. It gets better. I know you feel like you are done, but God isn't. When you get married its three of y'all. You, him, and God. Get safe,get away, and pray for your husband often. He may think he doesn't need it, but he needs it more than ever.

 

[Ugly]

God's intention in your marriage is not for you to be a punching bag, which is where you're headed. There's a good chance it is PTSD, but also a chance he was that way before and just hid it well. Regardless of the reasons, staying with a man this violent tempered will land you in the hospital or worse. Do you believe, for one second, God is going to hold you to a marriage in the face of violence and death? This isn't just an unhappy couple rushing into divorce because they don't want to work at their marriage.
Some people ignore God's character. Don't let the letter of the law hold you in something God never meant for you to be in. I don't buy into all the 'God wants us happy 24/7' teaching, but i don't believe God wants to force us into staying in abusive marriages either.

 

[prins]

What's PTSD please

 

[Tommy379]

What's PTSD please

Post traumatic stress disorder. Its a problem a lot of Military, police, and firemen have. Doctor told me its caused by chemical changes in the brain from stuff that happens.

 

[futurepreacher]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Marriage is such a huge matter to God, as it is a union He has ordained and is reflective of His relationship with us as His church. God does hate divorce, and the commitment made in a marriage is intended to be for a lifetime. Moreover, the commitment we make in marriage should reflect the fact that we are selflessly aiming to fulfill the needs of the other. On one hand, I'd argue it wouldn't be good to leave your husband in the middle of his struggle with PTSD and whatever other issues he is dealing with. God may use you to turn him around.
However, it is clear that he is not holding up to his end of the deal in your relationship. "No one ever hated his own body, but nurtures it and cares for it" does not seem reflective of his actions. It is not selfish or un-Christlike to distance yourself from a threatening person.
I wouldn't like to mislead you on what the Bible says about divorce, because it can be argued pretty well both ways in your situation. Continue praying for God's hand in your decisions and in the life of your husband. I'll be praying for you as well.

 

[WarriorForChrist]

I met my husband one month before USMC bootcamp. He moved to CA and we dated long distance for 4 years. We got married one month after he got out and moved home. I realized quickly that his rage was an issue. He cracked a door during a fight while trying to get in the room so he could yell at me face to face. Punched and dented both of our cars steering wheels, while one time calling me a cold hearted b**ch. He punched and shattered a windshield while driving because I told him to slow down, and recently made a "joke" about how everyone would be happier if I were to die. He pushed me down for the first time last week. My parents know all of this and blame it on PTSD. It has been 5 years and there are many other stories. Ive given up after years of praying and feel at peace with leaving. My parents however say that God put us together and I made a promise I need to keep. That every relationship has problems and you need to work through them. And that God isnt the author of divorce. Im so unhappy and my husband knows I want a divorce and has been on my side with it. I just dont know what to think or how to talk to my family. If you have any advice or wisdom on this id love to hear it. Thank you

One thing you can do is make him move out until he fixes his issues. Also, I know you probably don't want to hear this but he is breaking the law and you could call Law Enforcement next time he acts out like this. The main thing you both need to do is fix your relationship with God. If this doesn't happen fixing your relationship won't happen.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to get anyone to see they need help. Maybe the rock bottom your husband needs is a night or two in jail for domestic assault?

 

[Ariel82]

Your family want to see things from a happy bubble. Your husband is violent, you need to separate from him physically to ensure your safety.

Rather you get a divorce and start dating might require more prayer. Truthfully I would recommend counseling so you both can heal before trying to get back together or move on to new relationships.

 

[LaurenTM]

I met my husband one month before USMC bootcamp. He moved to CA and we dated long distance for 4 years. We got married one month after he got out and moved home. I realized quickly that his rage was an issue. He cracked a door during a fight while trying to get in the room so he could yell at me face to face. Punched and dented both of our cars steering wheels, while one time calling me a cold hearted b**ch. He punched and shattered a windshield while driving because I told him to slow down, and recently made a "joke" about how everyone would be happier if I were to die. He pushed me down for the first time last week. My parents know all of this and blame it on PTSD. It has been 5 years and there are many other stories. Ive given up after years of praying and feel at peace with leaving. My parents however say that God put us together and I made a promise I need to keep. That every relationship has problems and you need to work through them. And that God isnt the author of divorce. Im so unhappy and my husband knows I want a divorce and has been on my side with it. I just dont know what to think or how to talk to my family. If you have any advice or wisdom on this id love to hear it. Thank you

you are not describing 'problems'

your parents are wrong. no one should stay in an abusive and violent marriage. sure it can be ptsd but that is not a reason to stay and be a punching bag

I had ptsd...not really bad, but I did have it...after I left my violent and abusive 1st husband...I did not go around re-enacting the drama..

come on. I stayed for 9 years and it never got better, but it sure got worse. please do not pin your happiness on the outcome of your husband's change of behavior...he may or may not change. God does not force people. you are free to leave.

ask your parents how they would feel visiting you in the hospital if husband puts you there or perhaps graveside if he kills you

anyone who acts the way he does while in a car driving, has no concern for his own safety, never mind anyone elses'

 

[LaurenTM]

One thing you can do is make him move out until he fixes his issues. Also, I know you probably don't want to hear this but he is breaking the law and you could call Law Enforcement next time he acts out like this. The main thing you both need to do is fix your relationship with God. If this doesn't happen fixing your relationship won't happen.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to get anyone to see they need help. Maybe the rock bottom your husband needs is a night or two in jail for domestic assault?

some good advice here too ^^^^^^^

 

[blue_ladybug]

One thing you can do is make him move out until he fixes his issues. Also, I know you probably don't want to hear this but he is breaking the law and you could call Law Enforcement next time he acts out like this. The main thing you both need to do is fix your relationship with God. If this doesn't happen fixing your relationship won't happen.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to get anyone to see they need help. Maybe the rock bottom your husband needs is a night or two in jail for domestic assault?

Sorry to be blunt, but rock bottom for him would be killing her. :/ He's a powder keg that ignites itself and she is in mortal danger. She needs to get out and to a safe place. HE needs counseling and therapy. To the OP, I've been in this situation. My ex tried strangling me when I told him to leave and not come back. Don't fool yourself into thinking he won't ever harm you that way. The truth is, he WILL sooner or later. Don't become a statistic.

 

[jennymae]

Blue is right. Get out now! He ain't gonna change.

 

[tourist]

You're in a horrible situation and the only remedy is to get out of it. If you don't the abuse will continue and you never will have peace in your life. God will be with you in this ordeal and I have said a prayer for you. Welcome to CC.

 

[blue_ladybug]

God hates divorce, BUT he always uses it to introduce something better into those people's lives. This situation will NOT get better. He will attack you again and again, and each time will be more abusive than the last time. I agree with Ugly that God doesn't want His children stuck in a dangerous marriage. He'd rather see you divorce, rather than get killed. Of that, I am sure.. I'm positive God makes allowance for abuse, as well as adultery in a marriage. My ex got me evicted, and when I told him he had to leave and not come back, and that he wasn't allowed at my new place, he flipped and started strangling me. It's only by God's grace that he let go and left. You say hubby has cracked a door, trying to get to you, and has punched steering wheels. Are you gonna stay and wait until he punches you into unconsciousness or bashes your head in with something? Eventually he will graduate from punching inanimate objects, to punching you. This can't be blamed entirely on his PTSD. Maybe you leaving him is the ONLY way to get him some help. Then he can work on himself without having the stress of having you as a trigger for his rage. Do what you need to do to be safe.

 

[Ugly]

What's PTSD please

It's most common in military that have gone to fight in wars. But is not restricted to military. Kidnapping, violent rapes/assaults, long term domestic abuse, a serious car crash and such things can also cause it.
Basically when a traumatic experience happens the brain is unable to process it away and maintain it as a past memory. Rather the memory gets 'trapped' in the stage before processing, therefore when the memory is surfaced the individual may feel like they are in that traumatic situation again, instead of just remembering a past experience.
Typically people who have this have high levels of frustration and irritability, beyond what most people might face under stress. They can often be prone to violent verbal of physical outbursts. Sometimes not even fully aware of their actions, particularly people from the military.
There is a fairly simple and relatively quick method of treatment that is about 80% effective. But few people ever gain access to it. But, as in all things, if the person suffering PTSD does not acknowledge that's what's going on, then they would refuse the treatment. And the majority of military men refuse to admit they have it, even when diagnosed, or won't admit it until they have ruined their lives due to it. Too much pride to admit they have it.
It's a really sad disorder as there is nothing 'wrong' with the person, mentally. Mentally healthy, happy, loving people can get this simply from being in a traumatic situation, and it turns them into something they never were before.

 

[Ruth]

I met my husband one month before USMC bootcamp. He moved to CA and we dated long distance for 4 years. We got married one month after he got out and moved home. I realized quickly that his rage was an issue. He cracked a door during a fight while trying to get in the room so he could yell at me face to face. Punched and dented both of our cars steering wheels, while one time calling me a cold hearted b**ch. He punched and shattered a windshield while driving because I told him to slow down, and recently made a "joke" about how everyone would be happier if I were to die. He pushed me down for the first time last week. My parents know all of this and blame it on PTSD. It has been 5 years and there are many other stories. Ive given up after years of praying and feel at peace with leaving. My parents however say that God put us together and I made a promise I need to keep. That every relationship has problems and you need to work through them. And that God isnt the author of divorce. Im so unhappy and my husband knows I want a divorce and has been on my side with it. I just dont know what to think or how to talk to my family. If you have any advice or wisdom on this id love to hear it. Thank you

KP: I grew up in a non-Christian home where my father was a rage aholic and did not in the least feel guilty about beating my mother or any of the 3 children (he called it discipline) and he was a police officer. My point is I understand what you are thinking and feeling an NO one should have to live in fear of their lives from their spouse. Men are to love their wives as they love themselves. Your husband, by his actions does not love himself. If he is not willing to go for counseling, then you need to seriously consider separating yourself from him, not divorcing him, but living separate and apart until he finally reaches up and looks for help. You should not have to live in constant terror because I will tell you he is close to losing his anger on your physically and that is NOT acceptable to God nor to anyone else. He has a serious problem and needs to get help for it.

 

[WarriorForChrist]

Sorry to be blunt, but rock bottom for him would be killing her. :/ He's a powder keg that ignites itself and she is in mortal danger. She needs to get out and to a safe place. HE needs counseling and therapy. To the OP, I've been in this situation. My ex tried strangling me when I told him to leave and not come back. Don't fool yourself into thinking he won't ever harm you that way. The truth is, he WILL sooner or later. Don't become a statistic.

That is why reporting him to LE would get him out of the house.

 

[blue_ladybug]

That is why reporting him to LE would get him out of the house.

And then he gets out, goes back, and the abuse starts again.. Been there, done that, didn't work and I even had a RO, which btw are totally useless. And her having him arrested will only pi$$ him off more and give him another reason to abuse her.

 

[Fenner]

I met my husband one month before USMC bootcamp. He moved to CA and we dated long distance for 4 years. We got married one month after he got out and moved home. I realized quickly that his rage was an issue. He cracked a door during a fight while trying to get in the room so he could yell at me face to face. Punched and dented both of our cars steering wheels, while one time calling me a cold hearted b**ch. He punched and shattered a windshield while driving because I told him to slow down, and recently made a "joke" about how everyone would be happier if I were to die. He pushed me down for the first time last week. My parents know all of this and blame it on PTSD. It has been 5 years and there are many other stories. Ive given up after years of praying and feel at peace with leaving. My parents however say that God put us together and I made a promise I need to keep. That every relationship has problems and you need to work through them. And that God isnt the author of divorce. Im so unhappy and my husband knows I want a divorce and has been on my side with it. I just dont know what to think or how to talk to my family. If you have any advice or wisdom on this id love to hear it. Thank you

Just reading your story gave me the chills. I'm honestly surprised your parents want you to work this out. This is really dangerous stuff going on. Please leave and be safe.

 

[LaurenTM]

And then he gets out, goes back, and the abuse starts again.. Been there, done that, didn't work and I even had a RO, which btw are totally useless. And her having him arrested will only pi$$ him off more and give him another reason to abuse her.

it does work with some people

especially bullies