update on having a long talk with hubby

[jenniferand2]

Some of you may be wondering about my long talk with hubby. So here is an update. I did have a talk with him and told him I am very unhappy and that I plan on leaving and moving on with my life. Hubby says that we have been together for over 20 years and things have been hard both financially and physically. I agree with that we are struggling on many avenues in life. He does have a past full of lies, anger and shall i say a big mouth. He asked me to please try to see if we can work it out. Now mind you we have had this conversation thousands of times and it almost always goes the same way.
I was walking through the store the other day and God made me laugh he made me remember the good times I have had with my hubby. I do not know why after all the hardship I have dealt with from him lately. Maybe it was gods way of saying hubby is not perfect and neither am I of course. I do often wonder if God still wants me to remain with my husband for some reason as God has not sent me a message saying get out and run now yet. We do have a 16 year old daughter together and she does need us both right now. I am not in any real danger at this time other then getting my feelings hurt pretty often.
Anyways I have decided that if i can get out and get me a part time job some place to help relieve some of the financial burden we have and to raise my self esteem some maybe that may help make myself a bit more happy. We are both considered disabled due to my back conditions and his heart and breathing issues. So both of us pent up in the house together 24 7 has been a big problem with us getting on each others nerves. So long story short I have decided for right this moment to try to keep together my marriage at least for now. I will work with God and pray that he will continue to show me the way. I do not understand why God is making me feel like i should keep trying, but that is not for me to understand I guess. So as long as I am not in danger I will continue to listen to Gods wisdom and try to see if I can make our 20 plus year relationship work. If i feel the least bit like I am in danger or like things are just not going to get any better then I will leave at that time. I will not be a door mat in my own home. So please friends if you agree with me or do not agree with me I just ask that you pray that I am doing the right thing and that God will watch over me and guide me and protect me.

Any insight you all have for me I would like to hear also.. I am hoping I am not misunderstanding Gods message to me.

 

[tourist]

May God be with you and your husband in this.

 

[jenniferand2]

Thank you very much I hope I am doing the right thing as I have done this try and try thing many times and it has never changed anything. I hope this maybe the time it works or God just sends me the message that I have tried enough and I can walk free knowing I have tried everything I can

 

[PennEd]

I pray the Lord will be with you as you honestly seek His Will. You are greatly loved by Him, and I find it so wonderful that you trust Him.
Be at peace with your decision.

 

[blue_ladybug]

It may not have been God that made you laugh and remember some good times. You've had several years of misery and hurt feelings. There is no way in heck that God would want you to stay stuck in an unhappy situation. And you're right, since you both have health problems, being "pent up" together is only going to aggravate those issues. I think it's a good idea to separate, at least for now. Then possibly, your attempts at working things out might work better since verbal relations can be relieved by one of you being able to leave and diffuse the tension if "strategy talks" get too heated.

 

[jenniferand2]

Thank You Blue you are correct it could have been me just remembering the good ol days for no real reason. That is why I posted update to get a feel for what people may think. I will not try much longer though s my patience are really thin now. I will see if we can make it through the winter working on things and if by spring it is still the same then I will see what to do to get out and move on. I have school to keep me busy through the winter and hopefully will get to work part time to try to save money so if when spring comes I need to exit I can with out a problem..

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank you very much I hope I am doing the right thing as I have done this try and try thing many times and it has never changed anything. I hope this maybe the time it works or God just sends me the message that I have tried enough and I can walk free knowing I have tried everything I can

The sentence in red. You've tried and tried for how many years now? Twenty or so? He's NOT going to change, Jennifer. He's an abuser and they rarely change or want help to change. If he wants help, then good, I hope he gets it. But if he's content to stay this way, then even God won't help him. God won't force him to change. Do YOU believe he's serious about wanting to work things out? Or do you think he's just saying that so you won't leave and take your kids with you? Keep this in mind: abusers want to be in control AT ALL COSTS. Getting you to stay is his way of controlling you.

 

[Willie-T]

A suggestion..... actually, two. Go back to dating. And, also chuck all this "disability" crap. You almost sound like a Democrat. If you decide to be disabled, you can be sure you will be. Even Joni Erikson doesn't do that.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank You Blue you are correct it could have been me just remembering the good ol days for no real reason. That is why I posted update to get a feel for what people may think. I will not try much longer though s my patience are really thin now. I will see if we can make it through the winter working on things and if by spring it is still the same then I will see what to do to get out and move on. I have school to keep me busy through the winter and hopefully will get to work part time to try to save money so if when spring comes I need to exit I can with out a problem..

Good luck.. Can you open a separate savings account of your own, without him knowing about it, so that you can save up money? It's natural to want to remember good times with him, but it doesn't sound like there were very many of those. In the end, you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. It will hurt her more to stay in that environment, and see her father treat you badly, more than it will if you leave and take her with you, and be able to see her dad occasionally.

 

[jenniferand2]

Very true you are correct i have tried many many years. Sometimes I am so tired from trying i just plum want to give up.. I just feel so tired of trying that sometimes I feel that I just have no more strength to even care. God that sounds awful. Oh dear when i actually think about it and read it I know I am kidding myself. I am such a weak person wow.. I know I deserve to be happy some where inside of me.

 

[jenniferand2]

Good luck.. Can you open a separate savings account of your own, without him knowing about it, so that you can save up money? It's natural to want to remember good times with him, but it doesn't sound like there were very many of those. In the end, you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. It will hurt her more to stay in that environment, and see her father treat you badly, more than it will if you leave and take her with you, and be able to see her dad occasionally.

yes I can send money to my sister to hold onto for me.. I will be honest I am just pure scared out of mind I have not be alone in over 20 years.

 

[blue_ladybug]

A suggestion..... actually, two. Go back to dating. And, also chuck all this "disability" crap. You almost sound like a Democrat. If you decide to be disabled, you can be sure you will be. Even Joni Erikson doesn't do that.

IMO, the LAST thing she needs to do right now is "go back to dating". She needs to extricate herself and her daughter from this train-wreck first. Get settled in a new place, figure out where to go from here and give herself some time to heal.

And also, if YOU had a debilitating back condition like she does, with a herniated disk and/ or sciatica, you'd be classified as disabled too. I had that from November 2014 to March/April 2015 and I was LITERALLY stuck in bed 24-7 for all those months, entirely on my own with no one coming in to help me. And now nearly 2 years after that ordeal, I'm STILL suffering the after-effects of it. So don't fault her for being disabled. You don't have to be a quadriplegic like Joni Erikson is, in order to be classified as disabled.

 

[blue_ladybug]

yes I can send money to my sister to hold onto for me.. I will be honest I am just pure scared out of mind I have not be alone in over 20 years.

But you're NOT alone. You have God, and your daughter with you. And you have family to give you support. Now I don't mean to be insulting about your sister, but I've seen this happen: I'm sure she wouldn't spend/keep your money for herself, but to be safe, I'd put it into a savings account instead. You don't know who might steal it from her..

 

[jenniferand2]

But you're NOT alone. You have God, and your daughter with you. And you have family to give you support. Now I don't mean to be insulting about your sister, but I've seen this happen: I'm sure she wouldn't spend/keep your money for herself, but to be safe, I'd put it into a savings account instead. You don't know who might steal it from her..

yes I do not have a huge support system at all and that is a big reason why I am still lingering here I do not talk to anyone in my family but my two sisters and my dad really and all three live very far away from me.. I do trust my sister though she is like a tight wad with money lol she is very successful and trustworthy for sure. I know I have God also but to be with out any real support near by me is what killed it the last time I left long ago. I really had no one to turn to when I needed someone to just talk to or to visit me when I was lonely my own mother did not even care to help me other then by taking my kids away from me which made things way worse for me it made me spiral into a huge depression. So i just went back to him I had no one then not even my kids to make it worth staying away. That probably makes no much sense to many people.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Very true you are correct i have tried many many years. Sometimes I am so tired from trying i just plum want to give up.. I just feel so tired of trying that sometimes I feel that I just have no more strength to even care. God that sounds awful. Oh dear when i actually think about it and read it I know I am kidding myself. I am such a weak person wow.. I know I deserve to be happy some where inside of me.

There comes a point where you just have to realize that you tried as hard as you could, and just give this up to God and walk away. You ARE a strong person, it takes immense strength to walk away from a decades-long marriage. My sister was married for 30 years, and a few years ago she pulled a Reba McIntyre and wondered "is there life out there" that she was missing out on, so she got divorced and moved from here in VT to Virginia.. She was unhappy in her marriage ever since my nephew was little, so she waited until he was all grown up, and he's 25 now.. So don't wait another 20 years.

 

[HoneyDew]

Praying for you and your family. I have no suggestion on what to do about your husband. God's perfect will is best he will guide you. Peace to you and yours

 

[jenniferand2]

I will be back in a while I must lay down and take a nap I have not been sleeping well because of the pain in my back. I will check back in a little while thank you all

 

[blue_ladybug]

yes I do not have a huge support system at all and that is a big reason why I am still lingering here I do not talk to anyone in my family but my two sisters and my dad really and all three live very far away from me.. I do trust my sister though she is like a tight wad with money lol she is very successful and trustworthy for sure. I know I have God also but to be with out any real support near by me is what killed it the last time I left long ago. I really had no one to turn to when I needed someone to just talk to or to visit me when I was lonely my own mother did not even care to help me other then by taking my kids away from me which made things way worse for me it made me spiral into a huge depression. So i just went back to him I had no one then not even my kids to make it worth staying away. That probably makes no much sense to many people.

Hmmm.. Can you look up different organizations to help you out? Such as the coalition for disabled people, abused women's shelters--I know they can help set you up with an apartment and such. Just try to look around for resources like that.

These are some programs you can look up in your state:

The Coalition for Disability Rights
Project Worksafe- 1-888-723-3937
Information & Referral- look online/in telephone book for the number in your state.

 

[JosephsDreams]

The sentence in red. You've tried and tried for how many years now? Twenty or so? He's NOT going to change, Jennifer. He's an abuser and they rarely change or want help to change. If he wants help, then good, I hope he gets it. But if he's content to stay this way, then even God won't help him. God won't force him to change. Do YOU believe he's serious about wanting to work things out? Or do you think he's just saying that so you won't leave and take your kids with you? Keep this in mind: abusers want to be in control AT ALL COSTS. Getting you to stay is his way of controlling you.

With God nothing is impossible.

As Christians we need to keep that in mind. We are not of this world, just in it.

 

[Willie-T]

IMO, the LAST thing she needs to do right now is "go back to dating". She needs to extricate herself and her daughter from this train-wreck first. Get settled in a new place, figure out where to go from here and give herself some time to heal.

And also, if YOU had a debilitating back condition like she does, with a herniated disk and/ or sciatica, you'd be classified as disabled too. I had that from November 2014 to March/April 2015 and I was LITERALLY stuck in bed 24-7 for all those months, entirely on my own with no one coming in to help me. And now nearly 2 years after that ordeal, I'm STILL suffering the after-effects of it. So don't fault her for being disabled. You don't have to be a quadriplegic like Joni Erikson is, in order to be classified as disabled.

I've already told you about my disk problems. And, I told you that I did, and am still doing, something about it. Too many of us have given in to a victim mentality.

I would really advise you to rent The Jackie Chan Story. Now, THERE was a man who had every right to claim he had to live disabled, because he really WAS. But he didn't.